learn from the animals

To say that life has been stressful lately is an understatement. We're in a war against Iran. We're lead by an insane, murdering nazi, prices for everything have gone beyond sky high. Now we're in the stratosphere. From food to gas, most people are struggling. Women and LGBT people are actively being targeted, assassinated and having their rights taken.  

I feel angry, fearful, panicked and heart sick. 

But I can't feel that way all the time. Like the bombed Lebanese smoking a hookah amongst the ruins of what used to be their home. Or the teacher playing music inside the remains of a destroyed school. Art, music, laughter and love will always drown out the hatred of evil.

So I have been...

Making art. Making time for friends. Taking care of my body. Keeping up with my medical appointments. Loving on my puppies and trying to help people I love not feel overwhelmed.

My son is constantly stressed to the max. I think COVID really broke him. Now he shuts everything down with a "no." He struggled emotionally before all of this happened, but it has really become worse. His anxiety and depression don't seem to be at all touched by his medication anymore. 

After a recent breakup (where she broke his heart.) I took him to a town close to us for a break. I found this beautiful park with a massive pond and we just sat there and watched.

 
As I soaked in the beauty of the spot I could feel my shoulders soften from up around my ears. The tightness in my chest relax like a rope being untied. My breathing become deeper and more fulfilling. Changes that I wasn't even aware I needed.

Nature is a tonic for these times. And I need to remember that. Hug a tree. Swim in a lake. Look at birds. Go slow with my dogs. Nature is the best teacher of all. She can be vicious. But there is also a lot of love. She is slow moving. Slow growing. She takes her time when she's healing. 

The animals teach us as well. They too go slow. Enjoy the little things (like eating the same food for breakfast AND dinner.) Make time for play. Show each other new things. The old teaching the young.

Spending time in my garden has also been helpful. I think of it as an "earth detox." Where I just pour out all my stress and worries into the soil where it is composted like dead leaves. 

I realize I'm very privileged. I can afford the things I need. I don't live in a country that's being constantly bombed. The people I love are still alive and well. I'm not rotting in an ICE detention center. I'm in a healthy, loving relationship. I have a lot of resources and options. I'm a rare minority in the world.

I can hold both things. Both can be true. I can be sensitive and aware of the horrors of our time. While also healing myself in art, nature and love. I can take care of myself with food and movement and also be aware of my tremendous privilege. I can morn the lost rights of women, the disabled and people of color, while also laughing with my friends. 

It's not easy and it comes with practice. I think my background as a therapist is hugely helpful. But every day I try. Luckily I have my two beautiful puppies to lead the way. 

 

Things in the way (AKA: LIFE!)

Life will always throw distractions in the way. Unfortunately I'm part bird, so I'm easily distracted by the shiny and new. I'd much rather play on my Instagram gardening page apparently then focus on the really important.

My hobby - rescuing plants from our local dumpster. 
It's so rewarding!

In fact I've been feeling SO incredibly distracted lately that I had to sit myself down and make a list. Here it is. It's called "What Matters to Me."

• ·     Money back from old gym
• ·     Re-Join new gym
• ·     Lose weight
• ·     Do Yoga again
• ·     Sell the eBay stuff to make trip money
• ·     Re-activate my MFT license (take needed CEU’s)
• ·     Help Papa get into VA home
• ·     Stay on budget

That last one is rough. I'm not known for keeping a close eye on my budget. Especially with the cost of everything rising 20% recently. But I want my husband to be able to retire as soon as possible, so this needs to become important to me. 

I will always make time for art.
My latest ceramic piece. A little garden Goddess.

Getting rid of things I'm not using and letting them go to people who will love and use them is why I'm selling some belongings on eBay. It makes me feel good that something I'm just holding onto will instead be important to someone else. I'm happy there's a way I can do that and also make a little money. That matters to me.

I miss my old gym terribly. Luckily so does my mother. It's going to be hard for me to get my money out of them. Sadly I can't afford both the new membership and for the old gym to keep my money (see "stay on budget.") Good thing I'm not terrible at getting what I want. I hope I don't have to escalate things with them though. That takes time and energy I'd rather spend at the gym.

Margo and Max will also always get my time and attention.

In fact, they get the most of it.

My two toddlers.

In the meantime there's nothing stopping me from doing Yoga (other than myself.) I managed to do "Chair Yoga" once this week. I'm going to do it again today. I did it along with a video I found on YouTube for people with Cancer. It was excellent. Just what I needed to get me back into Yoga without injury or too much pain.

Next Sunday my mother and I are going back to Oregon to get my grandfather and move him back to California. He's no longer able to live independently and his rent is going up again to a place where he can't afford it anymore. He does not want to go, so we have a battle on our hands. It won't be a "jolly time had by all at the beach." But family matters to me a lot, so there we have it. It will also take as many people as possible to help my Papa through this very hard time in his life. Transitioning to a home.

So there we have it. What matters to me and where I need to be focusing my time. Not that I still won't spend some time on the "shiny" and "new." But these can still be my anchors of attention.

Changes

 One year ago...

• I only had one dog
• I loved all plants and gardening constantly
• I wasn't that great at ceramics
• I used a wheelchair
• I had no energy
• I slept a ton every single day

But in 2024

• I'm for sure over gardening outside
• I paired down my houseplant collection
• I often go a whole day without a nap
• I can do many many things in one day
• I walk my TWO DOGS on my own two feet frequently
• I'm getting better at ceramics
• I'm enjoying my hobbies now that I have more energy

I still enjoy a garden. Just not really the "doing" part. This year I went with flowers vs food. I enjoy watching the nature. Our bees and butterflies are very happy.

All In One Year

 

My mother and I went spring garden shopping at our favorite nursery yesterday. It wasn't till my cart was full to bursting that I realized "Hey! This is my first time walking here!" Later on that day she sent me pictures of the last five years we were there. 

The picture above is 2023 and just below that yesterday, 2024. What an incredible difference a year makes.

I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to "Just hold on. Help is coming. You'll be here walking next year." What a miracle this still is.

I have a lot of pain and get tired. I need to remember to eat BEFORE I do something strenuous or exercise, not only after. Alcohol doesn't really agree with me anymore. When I was a wheelchair user I had far fewer after effects of drinking. Isn't that odd? Now my body's like "Heyyyy, we have enough going on without also metabolizing this poison you just drank." Fair enough body. I hear you.

Eight months ago that chair was still my only way to interact in the world. I call 2PM to 6PM "Magic hour" because that was the time I would miss out on every day. Every thought was about my disability and how I could best live my life. What tools I would need to get me through. How to explain my needs to people and anticipate them myself. Being disabled is exhausting.

Today was so wonderful planting all of my beautiful flowers. I'm not growing food this year in my raised bed. Just flowers and some herbs. I brought my back brace outside but didn't need to use it. Which is a testament to how much stronger my back and torso are becoming.

My weight is up, but I'm trying not to focus so hard on that. I'll be back at the gym tomorrow morning. Driving past my beautiful garden. 

Medical Catchup

It has been a while since I updated what's been going on medically. So here's the skinny...

My leg is feeling much better. It feels like it was maybe inflammation that pinched a nerve or something and just took a long time to heal. My MRI came back fine and neither the sports doctor nor the rheumatologist could find a cause for my extreme sudden pain. BUT...

The rheumatologist wanted to rule out some autoimmune disease possibly going on. He ran some labs. The results were interesting. So far it didn't flag for anything specific. But it did show up positive for many different things. I have a message in to him to see if we're doing more testing, or if that's the end of it.

Is this English?

Gotta love lab results.

I've actually been feeling better energy wise and have been trying to push myself daily physically. I'm sore all the time, but I feel good about stretching my body in what I can do.

I went through two treatments of dry needling. It did help my neck and shoulders. Only during the last few days have I been having pain there again. It's almost like intense acupuncture. It lasts a lot longer than that for me and I get goldfish crackers after. I'm not sure it's worth the discomfort of the process though. 

I'm still getting my Botox for migraines every three months. However I changed my monthly injections from Amivog to Ajovy. Ajovy is supposed to be just as effective without the constipation side effects. I've only had one dose so far. But I'd have to say it works just as well as Amivog, maybe even a little bit better.

Thank goodness all the rain is done. That change in barometric pressure all the time was incredibly hard on my head. I can actually feel sharp pain where my head plates are when the weather shifts. It's not a fun experience.

The pool is back open and my mom and I had our first swim last Saturday. I love the water so much. I feel like I can do anything in it. It's so supportive. Getting out is a monster though. I feel triple my weight. I just try and go really fast. That helps.

After recently topping 293.7lbs I pumped the breaks on my eating. My all time heaviest is 297 and I got concerned being so close to it. I can feel the difference in my body a lot if I get over 280. An adult male gorilla weighs 300lbs. That's pretty big for a Vegan. And a little too close to my size for comfort. 

Yum Easter candy!

What's life without treats now and then?

Fortunately my garden is doing well and the summer produce is ready for planting. That will help me eat more vegetables. Here's my latest haul of broccolini, purple broccoli, sugar snap peas and chives.

I also have my beautiful back patio to spend time in. It has been fantastic to eat out there while the weather is springtime cool and breezy. This Friday we're doing a family dinner and breaking in the Hibachi for the first time. I'm very much looking forward to it.

Symptom wise I'm feeling the best I have felt in a very long time. My sinus infection cleared up. My leg pain is down from an 8 to a 2. My energy is the best it has been since I can remember. And it's springtime. I'm taking each day as it comes and living my best life.

Max does his part to help.

Beautiful Garden

I did it! I did it! I finally asked for help! 

Well, I've asked for help before, but never for a big project. I'm a massive "do it myself" person. I always have been. Group projects in school? I detested them. Hated them at 10 and hated them at 42. I'm not a "let's work together" girl. AT ALL.

So this is a huge, momentous occasion worth celebration. I saw something that needed to be done. I assessed my ability to do the task on my own. Saw it wasn't possible. AND I asked my family for help. They were so sweet and jumped right in. The results are fantastic. We all brought our skills to the "clean up the back patio" project.

Farmer ME!

(I love my back brace.)

My mother knows a lot about plants, their needs and pruning. So she tackled my neglected pots. She also put together the beautiful Lodge grill that she bought three years ago. Finally we'll get to have some family cook out's back there. That's her jam.

My son brought the muscle. He cleared out a lot of weeds, spread mulch, took out trash, filled our compost bin and just in general did everything I asked him to do without complaint. He's great at doing what you ask him to do, as long as you're specific.

We crushed my to-do list in two days and I'm thrilled with the results. I should have taken some "before" pictures, but here's the flow now...

Max enjoying his bed in the sunshine

Next to my new potting trunk

YAY! All my pots and soil are out of the weather.

Some of my beauties. 

Our new hibachi area. 

The pail is full to the brim with charcoal.

My mom suggested spray painting this table hot pink.

I'm down for it!

My beautiful freesias are in bloom.

Mom re-potted our big palm.

She's a gardening BEAST!

Newly fixed up plant corner.

My gardening table to the right.
The left is a long table and chairs for feasting and chatting.

Tomorrow my husband is going to help me with the lights and to hang some canopies on the pergola for shade. I can't wait to finish up and have it be our dining room. (Since we gave up the indoor one for his office.)

I'm very glad I asked for help and I will do it again in the future. Working with my family was much more fun than doing it alone.

Face It

My skin has been a hot mess lately. Huge pores, blackheads, pimples, you name it. I don't know if it's stress, a gift for "welcome to 50!" or hormones, but it has got to go. I have been feeling like I'm fighting a losing battle with my face.

I was looking online last night at some "good" store bought remedies. Not only did they cost a fortune, but they were full of chemicals. Even the "natural" ones. So after researching some of the ingredients that were helpful for acne I decided to make my own. "Hell! I own French lavender, aloe vera and rosemary bushes!" 

Here's the recipe I'm trying out. I invented it all on my own.

Compound (I put all this in a pot)

1 big bowl fresh French lavender heads (about 4 cups)

2 small springs rosemary

1 very large aloe leaf, split and de-goo'ed

2 tbsp coconut oil

2 tbsp olive oil

2 tbsp apricot seed oil

2 tbsp castor oil

2 cups distilled water

Steps

Bring mixture to a boil

Boil for 5 min

Lid and bring down to a simmer

Prepare small jars (1 cup), one for each treatment. Write on the lids what each one is, or label...

Soap

1 tbsp Pure Castille Soap

4 drops tea tree oil (natural disinfectant, good for acne)

Mixture

Lotion

1/2 tsp rubbing alcohol (as a preservative)

Mixture

Mask

4 tbsp European Clay

1/2 tsp rubbing alcohol (as a preservative)

Mixture

Simmer for a full hour

Strain (Press down to get all the oils and aloe from the pulp)

Add mixture to each jar evenly

Yields 3 cups

Bonus: Drink your water and listen to music while you wait.

Super Extra Bonus: While waiting put full fat whole organic yogurt on face. (share leftovers with your dog/cat.) Let stay till firm. Wash off and pat dry. Smear pure coconut oil on your hair and scalp. Cover with a kerchief or shower cap and let sit till you're done with your project. Wash off with shampoo and massage your scalp with warm water. Follow up with an apple cider vinegar/water rinse for the ultra treatment!

Why was my main ingredient lavender? Because it's a natural anti-inflammatory that's good for treating acne. It is also a natural calmer and can speed up the healing process.

Olive Oil: Has a similar lipid makeup to our natural skin. Helps with cellular regeneration.

Castor Oil: Anti-inflammatory, anti-microbal, immune system support. Great for acne.

Coconut Oil: Calms red skin, moisturizes and is easily absorbed by the skin.

Apricot Oil: Helps immune system like lavender. It's high in vitamin C and E so it works to fight acne and smooth my skin.

All oils help the skin retain moisture, my skin runs on the dry side so I need it.

European Clay: Is a favorite of mine. It naturally draws out impurities from the skin and gives the appearance of smaller pores. It works a lot like activated charcoal without the mess.

Aloe: Non-irritating and great for all skin. Healing properties. Moisturizing and anti-inflammation elements. 

My Time

Most people think that being disabled means I sit around, sleep and watch TV all day. They're confused about what I do. When I'm not scheduling, attending or following up on medical appointments and procedures (which really is a full time job in itself), here's where you'll find me. 

At my mom's pool. We work out together HARD three days a week for an hour. We swim and then have extensive routines that we do with our water weights. No way could I have done this last summer. It feels amazing to have so much energy to be able to push myself and build muscle strength in this way.

On days where I don't swim I try to walk as much as I can. I'm up to walking a quarter mile on my own with just my cane now. That's an enormous accomplishment and something I haven't been able to do since before I became ill.

When I'm not pushing myself to walk you'll see me out in my community in my wheelchair. I go to the Farmer's Market, alone to the store and for haircuts when I can, to museums, gardens and plays. My mother took this picture of me when we attended an outdoor play recently. We had a great time. 

I love to spend time in nature and take our dog out for "adventures." Here I am in my favorite oak grove with my favorite tree. The path is compact dirt, so my chair can maneuver quite well. We've been enjoying the weather before the super hot days come.

I also spend a lot of time and energy in my garden. We are currently growing tomatoes, peppers, basil and squash. However we also have trees, flowers and plants that need caring for. And don't forget the passion fruit vine! We were very excited about our first flower ever.

I have an incredibly full and satisfying life that has nothing to do with my disability. I feel very fortunate indeed to have so many outlets and such a big life. 

What do I want from 2022

I love January. It feels fresh and new. Like pajamas smelling sweet and clean from the dryer. The year is ripe with potential and anything feels possible. 

I was reflecting and asking myself this morning, "What do I want out of 2022?" Sometimes I think I know what my goals are, but are they really MY goals? Or just goals that society inflicts upon me?

This year marks the third year that I've been unable to work. That feels like a long time. A big deal. Then I remind myself that working on myself IS VERY HARD WORK! It takes all of my time every day just to live. What my doctor calls "tasks of daily living." They are a challenge for me.

So here's WHAT I WANT out of 2022:

• Continue asking questions and pushing my medical team for the best care there is.
  
  
• Keep on keepin on with the weight loss and healthy eating. 
  
  
• Be there as much as I can be mentally for my family and friends.
  
  
• Carve out time for social connectedness in real life (as much as is safe to do and as much as I can do.)
  
  
• Help Max meet his great puppy potential for a full and happy life (free of anxiety).
  
  
• Develop the remains of our front yard garden and completely finish that project.

What's New Pussycat? (Oh whoa whooooa whoa...)

There are many new things going on with me creatively, medically and in my home. One of the bigger things is I finally have my BiPap machine. 

At first I was given a CPAP which has continuous air flow. It didn't work for me at all. It was like drinking from a fire hose. It took me about 6 months to get a BiPap instead and I hope it was worth all the work. (A BiPap has less pressure going out and more going in.)

I'm able to tolerate it all night, but learning to keep my mouth shut is still a huge challenge for me. Yup. I'm a big time mouth breather. I have noticed that my lungs feel much better in the morning when I use my machine then when I don't. I can breathe much easier and don't feel as asthmatic. I did read that a BiPap is supposed to be helpful for asthma. 

A non-medical thing I'm doing that's new is watercolor painting.

I've always loved oil painting. But it's very hard to do in your home. It also requires a lot of chemicals, so I stopped doing it when I didn't have a student studio anymore. Acrylic painting is fun, but not the same as oils. But with watercolors there's far less setup and cleanup. It's much easier on my muscles too. It's challenging and new, so I've been having fun with it. 

My garden is really going all out now. We have this beautiful orange-ish sunflower out front that's just perfect.

I love spending time out there when I can.

We're doing a major remodel of our front area right now too. We're excited to have it all finished so we can enjoy it. We're getting new fencing, a new driveway and a new bigger front patio with a water fountain! It's actually more like a small waterfall. I'm so excited to see it done. 

I've been finding the contractors and coordinating as much of it (including the design) as I can. Then my husband jumps in and takes care of the financing end. We're a great team and so far things are moving along. It's a challenge to deal with contractors, let alone 4 of them, but I can do it.

So that has been taking a ton of my time.

And then there's my weight. I hit an all time high about a month ago and am working on reigning in my eating. But it's very hard.

I honestly feel like I don't eat a ton, but then I have to remember that I also don't get very much exercise. The pool is about it. And although it's good for me, it doesn't help me lose much weight. In fact it makes me hungry!!!

So that's an ongoing struggle and something that's on my mind a lot.

I'm also always researching migraines and trying to find something that will help me more than the tools I already have. 

Although I already have pink tinted glasses, I thought maybe they aren't tinted enough? I got the darkest pink that I could at the time. I love that you can just try out a theory by finding a new pair online. I ordered these last night with a darker red lens to try out. Many of these companies take returns too, so if I hate it I can get them re-done in a dark pink similar to what I have now. 

And of course you might have also noticed that I colored my hair red. Actually my mother helped me to color my hair red. As in I told her how to do it and she paid for the supplies and did it for me. What a mom. 

To go from blue/black to flaming copper red is no easy task, even for a fully trained hair dresser. But 30+ years of coloring my own hair taught me a lot! And the few times I did go to the salon for a color I paid close attention. 

It took her a full day, but she managed to get as close to what I wanted as was possible. I've been having fun being a redhead for a change. 

I'm trying to make time for friends in all of this, but my health has been really awful lately. I've needed a lot more rest and down time than usual (which was already a lot). Just making time for family and the house project is about all I'm good for right now. I'm counting the days till my next Botox shots for migraine (still a month away). I'm putting myself and my needs first, which is still hard for me to do.