Plans for 2019

I tend to keep a journal off and on. It's not a traditional "Dear Diary' type. More of doodles, lists, feelings, thoughts and plans. I like to go back and re-read them at times to see how much I've grown. This entry from 2017 really stood out to me and I found it share worthy.

I was still in graduate school at the time. This is a good snapshot of what chronic illness feels like. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Here are the "goals" that I have been setting for myself through the years. I notice I didn't do it last year. I think that's because I had just graduated and felt I had enough to focus on with my job hunt.

More here about "Beginners Mind" if you're curious. 

"UPR" is a psychological term that means Unconditional Positive Regard.

On January 2018 I deleted my Facebook account. 

It took about an hour and a lot of Googling to figure out how to do it. Facebook is like that crazy ex who doesn't want you to go, peering through your window, hoping you'll change your mind. I can say with all honesty it was the best thing I could have done for my mental health. I was very much addicted to it (though less than most people I know.) I encourage everyone to engage in as little social networking as possible and spend that time deeply engaging with people in the real world.

Sick on top of Sick

We've had some hot sick-on-sick action going down at our house. First my husband came down with the flu. "I hurt all over" my husband bemoaned to me while I shot him incredulous looks. "Welcome to my world" is my go to retort at times like this. Of course I don't want my husband to be sick, but the two days that only HE was sick gave me some false hope that maybe I could dodge it this time? Maybe only he'd be sick? Nope.

"But tell us! What's it like being sick when you already have a chronic illness?" I'm sure that's what you're wondering? On the edge of your seat to hear? Well, let me share a little. I suddenly gain the super power to be able to sleep ALL day and ALL night! Isn't that amazing? I do nothing, but am also hungry all the time. But I'm not just hungry, I'm starving AND nothing sounds good to eat. Are we having fun yet? "Tell us more!" You may be demanding. Very well. My skin is so sensitive and every cell in pain that anything I put on hurts. It doesn't matter if it's the softest pajama or fuzzy blanket, it hurts. I want a nice warm shower, but also don't want the water pressure on my skin. In short, I transform from a mature adult woman to a cranky, fussy infant who can not be soothed. What fun!

My body already hurts all the time. Every second of every day I have pain. It's just how severe that pain is and to what degree it distracts/consumes me that changes. When I'm sick, it consumes me. I hate it. In short (to quote my favorite meme because it's so true) "Everything hurts and I'm dying!"