Me & My ADHD

I don't think I've ever discussed having ADHD here, which is odd. I guess my body took importance over my brain.

I was diagnosed about 20 years ago. My husband and I were participating in a research study about relationships. One of the tests was staring into each others eyes and not speaking while our vitals were monitored for a full minute. I couldn't do it. All of my vitals were high and my mind was racing a mile a minute. That was the "aha" moment for me that something was off. (My husband had zero problems doing the test. He doesn't have ADD.)

I went to the doctor and she asked me a few questions then said "Yup. Would you like to try some medication."

When I first tried ADD medication my mind was blown. It's like when you get glasses and go "Oh! So this is what other people see?" I felt like "Oh! No wonder people can go to school and have jobs and function. Is this what a typical brain is like?" I doubt it was, but for me it was a vast improvement.

Here are my ADHD symptoms that I have always struggled with:

• Racing thoughts that jump around and make it very hard to...
• Focus. I'm either hyper focused or struggling to focus.
• Exhaustion (my whole life.)
• Sensory issues, especially auditory.
• Being hyper organized or feeling panicked if I'm not.
• Losing track of time and dates.
• Can't remember people's names (that got much worse after brain surgery.)
• Lose interest in things easily (that has improved with age though)
• Rush through tasks.
• Making friends easily but struggling to maintain friendships.
• Cutting people off easily.
• Self harm (as a child)
• "Daydreaming" (it's just my noisy head)
• Losing items (improved with age)

As a kid my teachers always said I "March to the beat of her own drummer" or comment that I "Daydream in class excessively." I think part of that was being super smart and bored. The other part I know was ADD. I've always been "fidgety" but not physically hyper.

When I was older I cut school a lot and "engaged in risky behaviors" for sure. I hated school and couldn't wait to move on. When I did move on I would go from one job to the next almost monthly. I tired easily of jobs and was bored by most of them. I craved frequent stimulation both mental and physical.

Now days my ADD mostly shows up as horribly racing thoughts and my inability to focus. I jump from one task to another usually without completing the one I started. It's not a good feeling and it makes it hard to finish things.

It's also very hard for me to read. Just to keep my eyes on the page or on the line is a big challenge for me. It's easier on my phone, but still not as easy as it should be. 

Starting and finishing a task is very hard. I have to force myself.

Relationships are still a challenge for me. Not my marriage, but with others. I get offended or hurt very easily. I have to actively work on my reactions and emotions. Luckily with time this has become a bit easier, but it's still an issue.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow to talk to her about starting back up on some ADHD medication. I haven't taken anything in about 10 years. I found it very helpful for a long time, but I didn't want to be dependent on it forever. It was a good tool to show me new ways of doing things though. I feel like my ADHD has been worse of late and I don't know why. But I'm ready to ask for help and get a little relief.

Camping? Not in a tent!

Tent camping was on my "mobility bucket list" since I regained my mobility. I had never been and I was excited to try it. I had visions of star filled skies, s'mores and peaceful sleep in the fresh air. What I hadn't factored in was the frigid c-o-l-d we would endure.

I have a dear friend who knew I was excited to try this. She and her partner camp in their "too adorable for words" van. Where I might add they remain snug and toasty as two bugs under a rug. They secured us an "impossible to get" camping place on a coveted beach. I was thrilled. Being part mermaid I adore the ocean and go any time I get the chance. I agreed we would join them. 

My husband, two dogs and myself in a two person tent borrowed from my in-laws would join them... On the beach... In April... See where I'm headed?

I think whoever came up with the term "The good, the bad and the ugly" was talking about tent camping. 

It had THE GOOD:

The location was stunning.

The beach stretched on for miles.

The S'mores lived up to my expectation.

All the food that day was delicious.

The company could not have been better.

It was fun bundling up during the day and dusk.

The dogs loved it.

We got a lot of exercise.

The air was indeed crisp and fresh.

The stars were the prettiest I'd seen in years and years.

Our campsite was perfect.

The other campers were pretty quiet and respectful.

The tent went up quick and easy.

We didn't forget anything. (Ok... now I'm grasping for good things.)

THE BAD:

Public bathroom. Need I say more?

That was a TON of packing and unpacking.

Where am I supposed to change?

THE UGLY:

Asthma attack from the cold and fire.

We froze all night (the dogs were cozy and fine.)

Prison shower. No thanks.

The cold triggered my muscles to cramp and spasm all night.

It took me days to recover.

Margo hates other dogs and goes NUTS when she sees them. Do you know how many dogs are at a beach and go camping? She could be heard for miles. (Max was a dream.)

A dog walked by our car.

HOW DARE THEY!

All that fuss left a mark in the sand.

Technically I think I still haven't "tent camped" because I slept in the car. It was the only position I could be in where I could breathe. 

I think next time we'll say "goodnight" and book it to a hotel to sleep in. But it was great to have a brand new experience.

From six wheels to two

Eight months ago I was using six wheels. My beautiful Permobil pink wheelchair and I owned the streets. She got me from A to B in style and speed. Topping out at 7mph she was ahead of her class. Now she is parked in my garage, lovingly draped in my favorite shower curtain (occasionally holding laundry for me to pay attention to.)

I love this picture my mom took of me last year.

I now have two wheels. My stunning new Lectric bike tops out at 20mph. I've only taken her 15 because I'm a big scaredy cat. Even though I always wear a helmet.

Shopping online, but I bought her in person at a REAL brick and mortar store.

My first day out.

I wanted an electric bike since I became mobile again. I originally thought I would get a three wheel trike. It turns out when I went to test ride them I hated it. I felt much less unstable on three wheels then I did on two. Maybe it's because I used to be a recreational bike rider, so it is what I was used to? It's amazing how muscle memory really works. 

Test rides were important for me.
My first time on her!

I feel so fortunate to be able to ride a bike again. My bike not only helps you pedal as much as you need, but you can also ride it like a moped with just the throttle engaged. So if I ride it somewhere and get too tired I can just sit there and cruise.

I feel like I'm 10 again when I get on it. So free. My next purchase will be a rainbow pinwheel for my handlebars. Don't be surprised if you hear me zoom past you house yelling "Wheeeeeee!!!"

All the ways I help myself

It took me a long time to learn how to listen to my body and to give myself what I need. I think it was graduate school that knocked that message into my thick skull. That I HAD to take care of myself before I could take care of anyone else.

Since becoming disabled that lesson has only grown. I had to become a strong advocate for myself and learn how to listen to what's going on with my body. It's the only way I could get help from my doctors. 

Here are a few things I'm into at the moment that make taking care of myself fun and easy.

My monster mug

My 40oz mug from Target. I drink about 3 of these a day. It's lighter than it looks and has saved me more than once when I thought I'd have a quick medical appointment. I only keep water in it and I hand wash. Totally worth it. It's lighter than many of my smaller travel cups. Water water water.

Fidgets

I struggle with dermatillomania. I've had it my whole life. My mom says I use more band aids than anyone she knows. This is more often than not the cause of that. I've been making a real effort lately to tame that beast. This comes in the form of fidgets. I have spinner rings and bought this new zipper bracelet as well. I love it. 

Still disabled!

I'm not a Wonder Woman ALL the time. Some days I'm in more pain than others or I've tweaked a muscle. Then I use my disabled parking plaque. This is an easy way to help myself. Save my spoons and make life a little easier to prioritize my energy.

Joint compression

Another thing I do is make sure I have the right equipment to combat muscle pain and fatigue when I need to. Like the right shoes, braces and medication. These Crocs are amazing. A gift from my mom. But when I'm really out walking my high-top boots are best to secure my newly weak right ankle. I pay attention to my body signals and do my best to help myself. I'm very fortunate to be able to have access to the right tools and tricks. 

 (I was not reimbursed for any of these products. It's my personal opinion only.)

Meal Planning Follow-Up

There were some good things and some not so good things that went down the week I did meal planning. 

I enjoyed the oatmeal that I made. The protein powder gave it a fake sweetener taste that I did not enjoy however. I don't know why they flavor them with fake stuff like that. Next time I'll just stick to walnut and almond butter as the protein source. 

The lunches were good, but I did tire of them. I confess to not eating one EVERY DAY like I had planned.

I did feel more regulated when it came time to dinner. I wasn't wolfing it down like I usually do.

I still ate high calorie foods on the weekend. Drat. 

It took a ton of time out of my weekend.

I didn't have time to do it this past weekend. We were camping (my first time ever) and I had to recuperate.

I would do it again, but I would change a few things. I would make two different dishes for lunch and alternate. Or the same dish, but a little bit different. Like one vegetarian version and one regular. 

It was helpful to just grab and eat. To not have to think about what I wanted, get overwhelmed and not eat, or eat unhealthily.

My husband said it was very helpful for him to have ready lunches as well.

Am I Ready?

I keep having dreams where I'm in an elevator and it's not going where I want it to go. I take it to mean that I don't feel in control of my life right now. 

I thrive on change. That's one of the things that drew me to therapy. As my mentor and supervisor once told me "Even the worst session only lasts an hour." Each hour a new person would come in with new issues and it was a huge change, and a challenge. A fresh chance every hour to help someone change their lives.

I don't miss that level of intense work, but I do miss that feeling of helping people in that way. I feel ready to start pursuing my CEU's to turn my license back to "active." 

I feel able to take on maybe a weekly support group. Especially this summer when the weather is ok. Storms trigger my migraine pain like crazy.

But also...
I'm loving ceramics. Spending time doing art is intensely therapeutic for me. So I will absolutely keep time for art. I have no intention on working full time at a 9-5 job ever again. I just can't do it. My body is much too unpredictable.

I also get a lot of pleasure out of being available to my dogs, husband, son and mom. If anyone needs me for anything I can help.

 

The Dark Underbelly of Meal Planning

I want to try something new with my eating. I want to give meal prep a go. That's the one where you make all your meals and snacks ahead of time, then just eat what is in the pre-portioned out of a cute, little container. I thought it might help me not only lose some weight, but regulate my protein and meals better for my energy and muscles. It's easy for me to forget to eat until I get too hungry, then make bad choices. One of the blessings of having ADD.

I decided I was going to pack ahead for breakfast and lunch, but not dinner. For dinner I would just have a set menu like I usually do.

Breakfast was pretty easy to put together. I put everything into a big bowl, then scooped that into small baby food jars (that I use for my dog's food). That made five breakfasts.

Inside is:

• whole oats (gluten free oatmeal)
• walnut butter & almond butter
• frozen berries
• vanilla protein powder
• ground flax
• honey
  
  
  
  
  

Next up were my snack packs. I'm not a snacker by nature, but I'm working on that. Inside is:

• super baby carrots (the smallest I could find)
• sliced celery hearts
• black bean dip
  (1 can black beans drained and rinsed, oat milk, dried onion flakes, smoked paprika, pepper, salt, pepper flakes, red pepper spice, hot sauce of choice.)

High in protein and super tasty! This is the best way for me to find a short chain fatty acid dip. To make it myself in the food processor.

Now came the hard part. Lunch. My husband and I decided on chicken burrito bowls.

But wait... that's not chicken! Well, turns out I was short on chicken, so two bowls are Vegan with pinto beans instead.

It looks so delicious. What could possibly go wrong?

To start let me say this took about three hours. That's just the lunch. Not the breakfast and snack. And that's with my husband helping by slicing the onion, jalapeños, tomatoes and lettuce. I did the chicken and rice.

I baked the chicken breast in salsa, salt, pepper and a little Tapatio. Then I intended to finish it off in a hot skillet with a bit of walnut oil. Except I was too eager and didn't get the skillet hot enough. Darn. It was still tasty though.

But check this out...

What they don't show you on Pinterest

I had SO MANY DISHES from just the lunch! It was a bit nuts actually. My kitchen was a mess. I did it though and managed to make us each four lunches. I typically have lunch once a week at my mom's, so I didn't need five.

Here's what it is:

• diced onion
• diced cherry tomatoes
• fresh mixed greens
• chicken breast (pinto beans in 2)
• sliced jalapeños
• brown organic rice (cooked in a can of diced tomatoes with green chilies, 1tbsp walnut oil and organic spicy veggie broth.)

That's it! No cheese. 

Both the breakfast and the lunch were delicious. I didn't have my snack today because I got a late start. I had breakfast at 10 and lunch at 2. At 6pm we'll be starting dinner. 

I learned a lot from my first time doing meal prep and planning.

1. It will take a lot of food. Buy double what you think you'll need. I almost didn't have enough and ran out of chicken.
2. Buy the right containers. I was lucky to find great ones my first try, but that's important. Especially for fitting everything into the fridge when done.
3. Clean out your fridge before you make the meals. Make sure you have lots of free space.
4. Have a backup plan in case you run out of an ingredient.
5. Measure to get your portion size correct. For example I used a 1/2 cup for the rice in the burrito bowls.
6. Have someone to help you, or buy things already cut or cooked to save energy and time.
7. Get your skillet super hot to finish off any meat.
8. Have an empty dishwasher. Ha ha.