Don't Just Get Clean

I was watching an episode of Queer Eye the other night and a topic came up that resonated with me. One of the people on the show said something to the effect of: When you're showering, don't just have the intention of "getting clean." Rather see it as a time just for you. Honor yourself. Make it an experience and take time to connect with your body.

Since I view my body as a betrayer, this is very hard for me. Medical trauma is very real. I thought about what I had heard. The person on the receiving end of this advice was also a big giver to other people. I reflected back on what I think of my body and how I have treated it since becoming ill and I saw something interesting.

In the past I would shave my head because it was easier to just not think about or fuss with my hair. (Or because I was too weak to shampoo my hair.) I don't wear makeup often because I don't like the feel of it. I didn't wash my face (outside of a shower) because my complexion was clear. I just stopped spending time on my looks. This all coincided with my illness.

Yes, I would go back and forth on coloring my hair. I wanted to go natural, but then I would feel like I looked old and sick and I would switch it up again.

But something recently changed.

I can't pinpoint it exactly.

Firstly it could have been my wonderful birthday party. Being around such magnificent women and being restored with feminine energy. It really was a magical evening.

Secondly it could have been me learning about animal testing and the cruelty in the beauty industry. Everything from our shampoo, deodorant to my face products were from evil companies. I vowed to do better this year.

Slowly I made a shift. 

I started by learning more about what "mature" skin needs and the changes that happen with age. I'm growing my hair out again (though I'm done with color... for now.) I tried out a brand that I'd used a few of their products in the past and liked them. They are local, woman owned, Vegan and cruelty free. I'm super happy with what I've bought so far.

Next I made a new skincare routine for myself. I do it every morning and every night. It is some special time just for me to relax and meditate. I'm trying to take extra good care of my eyes to prevent future styes.

I have a very simple makeup routine that doesn't feel gross on my skin. Again, using natural cruelty free brands.

I'm trying to "feel into my skin." Not just dissociate and "get clean." 

Grief

I shared with my husband this weekend that I don't feel like I've ever properly processed what happened to me. Even though it was about seven years ago now. At the beginning of this blog. 

When I look back it feels like one second I'm at the height of my career. Helping people and making good money at the same time. Putting to good practice everything I learned, studied so hard for and sacrificed to make happen. Then the next second I feel like a vegetable whose body completely betrayed her. Betrayed me.

It wasn't so fast as it feels. But the impact of it all was nothing short of a wrecking ball crashing through my life. Medical bills, new equipment, tons and tons of tests, endless amounts of pills and drugs to try and doctor's appointments. 

Each day was a new hell of "what can I not do now?" I spent many nights crying and seriously thinking death would be better because of the pain. That was before my expert team figured out what medications I need to function. 

I still feel like I'm moving in slow motion. That everything takes enormous amounts of effort. And it's all invisible to everyone. Even those closest to me. I feel overwhelmed and exhausted by the smallest task. I minimize my pain and how hard everything is for me. I'm not really sure why?

 
Maybe I want to still be seen as "strong?" Maybe it feels like I've lost some control or agency if I don't push myself? I'm an expert at "keeping calm and carrying on." But that doesn't leave much space for the reality of things or to process loss. 

My husband had a good suggestion that I pick a week next month and only do what I want to do. Have my own "staycation." He said maybe doing more art will help me process things more. I thought that was a great idea.

I do get a lot out of my art and being around family. I think it's more being out in the world that's the problem. Expectations that I put on myself. I push myself a lot. I'm trying to notice more when I need to stop and rest.

Making an Effort

I'm realizing there's a very good reason why most disabled and chronically ill people complain of loneliness. It's because friends don't like to be the one to make plans. I'm not sure how that works if EVERYONE is like that. Actually I am sure. It doesn't. Friends fall by the wayside until they vanish completely.

My husband is my best friend.

Of course there are the rare exceptions, but those tend to be family members. It's the very rare friend who will be the one to make the effort to keep in touch and suggest plans.

My mom is my best friend

I have also come to terms with being that person with my friends. If I want to see them EVER than I have to be the one to text, call, suggest SPECIFIC plans... (that's the key, they have to be specific.) And there are a lot of people in my life whose company I enjoy enough to make that effort. And those who I don't.

The person I call my best friend is one of those people who would make an effort even if I was ill and couldn't do it myself. That's one of the reasons I say she's my "best friend." She's reliable, funny, fun to be with, smart, a feminist, doesn't hound or smother me, makes plans and asks me to join her. All qualities I admire. 

My best friend and my mom helped throw me the best birthday party ever.

She's also anxious as hell. Complicated. A contradiction. Traumatized and stubborn. Not all bad qualities. I think of it like a dessert. If it was too sweet I couldn't have much of it. People need balance. 

I also admire how important her heritage is to her. She's half Samoan and half Italian. Funnily enough her Samoan half seems more important to her. But I get it. I value my Italian heritage even if it is much less than my English or Irish genes.

I find now that I have my sisters in my life and their very large families it leaves less time to spend with my friends. But I will always make time for those who enrich my life.

What IS Best For Me!?!?

Today is week 3 of the Vegan diet. I can already tell it isn't working for my body. I feel hungry, weak and tired. Yes, it could just be me. It could be that's as good as it gets? My stomach is feeling much less bloated, but it's also less full. I stay full for a shorter period of time then before.

"Are you eating meat again yet mom?"

My mom had surgery this morning and my cravings were out of control last night. I seriously wanted to go get a hamburger after taking her home. But I didn't. What I did do was go get an organic gourmet turkey breast sandwich at our local deli counter. I thought it was a good compromise. I felt better right after eating it. Satisfied and full in a good way. 

I want to try eating a small amount of animal protein again.
Turkey and chicken breast
Goat and sheep cheese
Eggs

This hummus toast was delicious.

I think the "short chain fatty acid" way of eating is where I had the most success. That's what I changed to when I stopped needing my chair every time I left the house. I can also combine it with foods best for my mitochondria. Seeds/nuts, berries & leafy greens.

I'm really burnt on Asian dinners. But the lotus root in my stir fry was yum.

I did some more research today and learned that a strict Vegan diet doesn't always support the metabolic stability that I need. I also learned that the two food groups that make up short chain fatty acids (SCFA) are "soluble fiber" and "resistant starch."

Resistant Starch: Is a type of carbohydrate that resists digestion in the small intestine. Because it isn't broken down early, it travels to the colon where your gut bacteria ferment it into short-chain fatty acids, especially butyrate - the SCFA most linked to mitochondrial health, gut repair and metabolic stability. All good things I want.

Soluble Fiber:  Fiber that dissolves in water (so your small intestine) and forms a gel-like texture. Your microbiome ferments it into acetate and propionate, which support metabolic regulation, blood sugar balance and gut health. It feeds the beneficial gut bacteria, reduces inflammation and enhances SCFA production. 

Types of resistant starches to eat:

• whole grains
• seeds
• beans
• green bananas (or powdered green bananas)
• raw potato starch
• sweet potatoes
• sorghum
• millet
• quinoa
• starchy foods like rice, potatoes, oatmeal that are cooked AND COOLED! Who knew? They need to be cooked, then cooled, then either eaten cool or slowly reheated. 

Best sources of soluble fiber: 

• apples
• citrus
• mushrooms
• onions
• garlic
• carrots
• oats
• psyllium husk
• berries
• brussels sprouts
• sweet potatoes

When these foods are combines in meals I get a broad spectrum of SCFA, which is IDEAL for my gut health and my mitochondrial health. Especially if I add on some fermented foods.

Animal proteins only matter as much as my own reaction to them (I think I'm sensitive) and their fat content. They support my metabolism and energy levels, but they have nothing to do with SCFA production. Facinating. I wish all of this was taught to everyone. 

All or Nothing

My mom and I were talking yesterday and I mentioned how if I'm going to change a habit I am "all or nothing" about it. Doing things a little bit at a time never worked for me. Case in point. My wonderful husband and I have been together 33 years. I was pregnant within 3 months of dating (the second time around.) SURPRISE! And we moved in together two weeks after I found out. We were married less than a year later. All or nothing. And that worked out just fine for me.

So I don't just start eating one Vegan meal a week. I go full Vegan. It's going great.

I don't just "watch my spending." I stop spending completely. Well, now that Target's off limits (for supporting ICE) there goes a giant will to spend. I'm also in the "purging" phase of the year. Cleaning things out. Giving away. Not the acquiring phase, so that helps. 

A beautiful orchid I brought back from the dead.

A friend gives me her dead orchids and I bring them back to life.

Honestly I really want for nothing. I have a closet literally bursting with beautiful clothes. I have shoes that keep my feet comfy and ankles stable. I have a travel wheelchair, big wheelchair and walking sticks. I have a stunning new car. A warm house to keep me safe. Plenty of good food to eat. Books to read, TV to watch, a soft bed to rest in. More than enough blankets to wrap up in. Hot water for bathing. You get the idea. In many parts of the world I would be considered RICH.

Most of all I have many people who love and care about me. That feels amazing. So no... I don't need to go to Home Goods and get that Valentines placement. I want to go to the pottery studio and create something that didn't exist before I made it.

I don't want to go to Costco and buy new pillows. I want to get berries to feed my mitochondria. I want to walk my dogs, hug a tree, watch the birds, build a birdhouse, tend my garden, hug people I love. All free pleasures in life. I'm all in.

Feelin Groovy

My eyes are finally better. It took the eyedrops, ointment and an antibiotic to finally help. Jeeeeze. Something is definitely up with my immune system. But more on that later. 

What I really want to talk about is how great my Vegan diet is going. Here's the thing. I was Vegan for two years solid a very long time ago. My first year in grad school actually. I went Vegan for emotional reasons. Because I love animals and care about their welfare. I also love the planet and I know how harmful factory farm meat production is. 

Oatmeal with pumpkin seeds, flax and pumpkin pie spice.

I also had blueberries, but I took this picture before I added them. 

It was very delicious and filling.

As I said, I was Vegan for two years. Then it just stopped working for me. I was craving meat all the time. I caved and had a burger and then just slid back into a regular American diet.

This time I'm going Vegan for me. Yes, for the animals and planet too. But number one for me. That's my theme this year. Me first.

I don't think my body does well processing animal proteins. I've suspected as much since first going on the "short chain fatty acid" diet where I cut out a ton of animal protein. 

I used AI to help me come up with a meal plan tailored to meet the demands of my mitochondria. Foods that are top tier helpful. Shocker... they're all Vegan. Leafy greens, nuts & seeds and berries.

This was one of my favorite things I've had so far.

Cubed and roasted sweet potatoes on the bottom. Black beans, mixed baby greens, tomatoes, avocado, pumpkin seeds and a simple lemon oil dressing. Delicious!

I wanted to know if I cut out ALL animal protein if my body would do even better?

I'm on week two now. Last week I was down for the count because of my eye. Now I'm on major antibiotics, so it's hard to tell. My energy is about the same, but my muscles do seem better. What has made a huge difference is my stomach feels much better and my bowels are starting to become regular. Again, that could be from the antibiotics too, so I can't say for sure yet. 

I've been drinking a ton of lemon water. 

I replaced my morning coffee with Matcha, honey and oatmilk.

Here I'm having a simple smoothie with pea protein, oat milk, blueberries, a banana and spinach.

Ethically I feel much better. My heart feels lighter. There's so much ugliness in the world right now that I feel strongly about spreading love, peace and compassion anywhere I can. And not contributing to the suffering of animals through thoughtful consumption of not just food, but anything that uses and abuses animals is important to me. Very important.

My treat. Anything above 70% dark cocoa.
This was very delicious. 

I'll report back how or if the Vegan diet is helping my mitochondrial disease symptoms regularly. 

Killer Conjunctivitis Strikes Again!

C'mon man.
The year has just begun and already we have my mom in a medical crisis, my best friend has lock jaw and me with another eye infection. Really? Is this how we're gonna play 2026?

Yup. I noticed I was getting a stye on Saturday. By Sunday it was full blown puffy. I did a Teledoc visit so I could get eye drops first thing Monday. Tuesday my ophthalmologist sent in some ointment too. Today is Wednesday and I think it's finally turned a corner. 

Right eye this time. Three sweet months since my last infection. Here's what it looked like yesterday morning.

I can feel it in my ear too!

Sick with no Taco Bell. AAAAAAAAAAA!

You can see that yesterday it started spreading to my left eye. Despite me changing my pillow case and blanket daily and using the tea tree wipes on it that my ophthalmologist's recommended. My immune system just suuuuuuuucks.

I think this would be no big deal in anyone else. But in me my whole body shuts down. And it's very hard to get it under control. I didn't ask for oral antibiotics this time because I feel confident that I CAN fight it off myself. It will just take a little bit.

Meanwhile I'm doing Ofloxacin Ophthalmic Solution 0.3%, two drops four times a day in both eyes and Erythromycin Ointment 0.5% in the morning and at night. I guess that is an antibiotic ointment. Hot compress, cold washrag and rest. Afrin nose spray for my ear.

I will say though, this is bullshit.

My ophthalmologist (who I JUST SAW) is now referring me to a different one. I'll see him at the end of March. Progress at a snail's pace. 

I wonder if swimming in a chlorinated pool regularly would help? Hmmm. Something to consider. 

But if it means not sleeping with my dogs forget it. I'd rather be on antibiotics the rest of their lives.