52 and THRIVING!

These days I'm not just "surviving," I'm THRIVING!

I spent the last many years surviving. Going from one physical crisis to the next. I'm thrilled to report that I've been "crisis free" for about five weeks now. I'm also getting stronger every day. Here's what I'm doing that's working for me.

• I work out in some way daily. Dog walks, my trampoline (affectionately dubbed "Fatty Bounce Bounce" by my husband), my new gym, swimming with my mom, long walks every Saturday with my husband.
  
  
• Wearing my FitBit every day to track my sleep, heart rate, HRV and overall progress.
  
  
• Using Hungry Root for dinners during the week. We get about three meals a week with ingredients and the menu delivered right to our door every Monday morning.
  
  
• Eating strictly vegetarian and limiting my animal protein. A little cheese, yogurt and eggs.
  
  
• Watching my weight. So far I just watch it go up a little and down a little, but it's a work in progress.
  
  
• Resting when I feel tired.

That natural glow is from sunshine and exercise.

Since adopting these practices I'm feeling much more myself. My migraines remain an issue. A side effect from my craniotomy, I'm sure. But my mitochondrial disease feels to be in full remission right now.

With that comes a huge adjustment and also some fear. Fear that it could turn back on me just as suddenly as it went away. I'm on my guard, but also just loving life.

My husband and I walked just under three miles with our little dogs yesterday. I was exhausted, but felt so proud. It was the farthest I'd walked since I can remember. Just a month ago I struggled to walk a mile. I also carried one of our dogs or the other for at least half a mile. That's an extra 12lbs.

I told my husband I'd never poo poo another 12lb weight loss again.

This little guy is solid!

I still have severe dizziness, and "ice pick" migraines daily. I have been taking Qulipta 60 mg every night and it was working very well. Then it felt like I acclimated to it and it stopped being so effective. That seems to happen with me and medications.

My migraine neurologist is going to try me out on Lamictal 25mg instead to see if that helps. I feel like I might have tried it before, but I don't remember. It's an anti-seizure medication that should help with my type of migraines. 

In the meantime, I will try to keep up the good work and continue to re-build my body from being so ill for so long.

Self Love

What would you do if you knew today was your last day here alive on earth? Who would you talk to? How would you spend your time?

As someone who has always been unafraid of death, these are questions that go through my head often. "Is this the last time I'll ever see this person again? The last chance to hug them?" 

Everyone in my life whom I love knows just how much I love them. I'm very vocal about it. I hug tightly and let them know in as many ways as I can just how important they are to me.

Am I that important to myself?
I'm working on it.

Self-love is an evolving work in progress for me. As I kid I remember hitting myself, choking myself, biting myself. As a Psychologist I now know these are all common trauma reactions, especially in girls who have experienced SA. So is self hatred. Especially hatred of their bodies.

It has taken me a very long time to turn all of that around. To nurture that young girl and ease her trauma. Now I find self love talk to come easily. I am gentle with myself. However doing what's in my best self interest is still a struggle. 

• How I spend my time.
• Staying on a budget or planning financially for the future.
• Making the healthiest choice for my body.
• Putting my needs first (even before my dogs.)

All of these are a work in progress for me. I've come a long way (baby) but I still have a bit of self love that I want to grow into.

My new Fitbit. An act of self love to invest in my goals.

Re-Imagining Me

I've been trying to have a big mental shift. It isn't easy. At my age my thinking is pretty set. However if I shifted it to become a full time student at the age of 40, then I can do this. I accomplished a hell of a lot for my career. I have shown myself what I can do when I put my mind, time and energy to something.

In the past this was how my brain worked:

90% Illness

10% Everyone else, including me

My illness was in the drivers seat. I did anything I could to self-comfort. Social media, fast food, limiting how physical I was, ignoring it and just surviving. Not much of a focus on thriving.

But the power of the mind is mighty. Here's what I'm working towards:

75% ME

my food, being in nature, art, creativity, spirituality, relationships

25% Illness (appointments, crash days, pacing, pain, insomnia)

Rather than numbing myself out of my illness I'm leaning in and making friends with it. I'm not "managing" or "surviving." I am nurturing and feeding my body what she needs to do her best. By leaning in and listening. Rest, art, movement, beauty, nature, good nutrition... These are things I need. 

Who do you want to be?

One of the things I love most about life (and there are many) is the chance to constantly re-invent yourself. It is literally never too late. You choose, for the most part, who you are. Who you want to be. Do you want to be a good parent? Do you want to be a scholar? A partner to someone? Adopt animals or children? Start a non-profit? Put out fires? What kind of person are you? You choose.

My newborn son's footprints. 1/23/94

This extends somewhat to the appearance you show the world. Do you chose to be a flaming redhead, or maybe a blonde. Do you only wear black with spikes on your shoes and metal chains? Do you wear no makeup at all and let your natural beauty shine through.

My Masters graduation. 2017

Of course by now we all know that there are many conditions that make it very difficult to manage weight. Hypothyroidism is one of them. I have it, so does my mother and son. My grandfather also had it. On top of that I'm over 50 and disabled, which makes the challenges all the larger. But it's not impossible.

The choices I make literally make me. 
I chose to be a stay at home mom. I have a huge "caring for others" streak that is essential to my person. I chose to go back to school and then to become a therapist. I chose to get married (one of the best decisions I ever made.) 

"
2013. Me not knowing how beautiful I was. I am.

Every moment of every day I make some kind of choice. I chose to sit down and write this blog.

Food is a difficult choice for me. I tend to be obsessive when I make a big change. Buying tools I feel like I'll need to succeed. Re-arranging my environment to best support my whopping new goal. It's the ADD in me and also a way I try to control things that are difficult to control.

I'm trying to make better food choices and to battle my addiction to food. I can feel that monster getting bigger. If I don't address it now it will take over my life, my mobility and my health. I don't choose that. 

Me in Iceland. 2014

Times and Tides

I have learned in my 51 years on this planet that if I pay close attention, nature is the best teacher of all. That's one of the things I love most about Polynesian culture. Although it's not the only culture that lives so close to the Earth, it's the main one that I know and admire. Living on a volcanic island, like Hawaii and Iceland, you can't help but live in sync with nature. You are hugely dependent on nature for your survival. Any second you could be wiped out by her wrath, or enormously rewarded. We've lost that connection in more urban environments. No matter how many parks and green belts there are.

Not the same as a park

One of the big lessons nature taught me is that no growth can occur without destruction. Usually complete and violent destruction. Mother Nature loves nothing more than a clean slate. I respect that hugely. I look back on my life and see my own biggest periods of growth occurring after total devastation.

The Hawaiians also know this, which is why they focus on the "now" so intensely. Everyone has heard of "island time" and "hang loose." To me those mean exactly what my mother practices and knows so well. "Life's too short and precious to rush through." It's very easy to get caught up in the pressures of everyone else around you and start rushing through everything, even when there's no need. Rushing to our cars from the store. Rushing through the store. Rushing to the store. What happens if we're late? Typically nothing awful. You're just a little late *but not by "Island Time!"

Hawaiians also take full advantage of all of nature's gifts. The original native diet was very high in fish and fruits. It wasn't until American's came to take over that we introduced Spam. Although the Japanese labor force that was imported in to work the pineapple fields can take the blame for rice. I felt like I had never eaten a banana before until I had an Apple Banana in Hawaii right off the tree. Here we shop at the grocery store, or if you're very lucky, the Farmer's Market. But we typically eat far from nature. 

I'm very guilty of this. Frozen pizza, macaroni and cheese, heck! Even just cheese and yogurt. All are heavily processed foods that are known to contribute to disease. Does that stop me? No. It's what I grew up with and what I love. Though culture can and does change. Again, nature taught me that nothing is permanent and everything changes all the time. Even when you can't see it. Seashores are being eroded. Soil shifted. Rocks worn away. Diamonds created from stardust. Humans from blobs of cells. 

There is nothing from nature on this truck

Every so often I feel like I wake up from a culture induced stupor and wake up to the tides of nature. Fall has historically been one of those times for me. The changes in the natural world are so profound at this time that I can't help but to take notice. This always has been a time of inward reflection for me. This fall I didn't like what I saw.

I saw myself self-sabotaging over and over and over again. Doing nothing to support my own health. And little that nurtures my mental well-being. I have been shoving down the anger and grief over the death of the main male figure in my life, my Grandfather, who passed violently three short months ago. I have been feeding myself to comfort mentally rather than feeding myself what I know I need physically. I have been taking great care of others and not so great care of myself. A tried and true pattern of mine. I put other's preferences ahead of my own and lose focus of my own path as it crosses with others.

I am painfully aware of how easy it would be for my to lose myself completely to my new family. Stop going to the gym and just focus on them. But I have goals and I need to re-focus right now.

My Goals (what I want to re-focus on)

1.  My health. Eating the foods I need to eat to be as strong and healthy as possible. High fiber whole foods that will product short-chain fatty acids in my gut microbiome. Not long. This also includes going to the gym at least three times a week to work on my strength and flexibility. 
   
   
   
2. My creativity. Setting aside time for writing, ceramics, drawing, painting, whatever I want to express what's inside me.
   
   
3. My emotions. Processing my feelings about the horrible death of my grandfather.
   
   
4. My empathy. Spending time with my son, my mother and my new family. Also in here I put completing my CEU's to maintain my MFT license.
   
   
5. Making Money. Selling our unwanted stuff on eBay and maybe starting a support group of some kind. Getting back to working one or two days a week.

To accomplish my goals I need to be committed. Dedication and focus is what I need right now. Because there will always be more laundry and I don't need mac n' cheese.

I rebuke you Satan! 

Exciting Few Months

My life has been changing rapidly over the last months. Not leaving me much time for blogging. Fortunately for me all of the change has been good.

I HAVE A NEW FAMILY (more family? My family grew!)
I found out months ago that my birth father passed away in 2021. I learned this on Facebook. I would do occasional Google searches of his name just to see what he and my two half sisters were up to. We had no contact at all for over 24 years now. I Googled him and found a remembrance post by one of my sisters. I was very surprised as he wasn't that old.

I sent her a message even though we weren't "friends." I knew it was a big shot in the dark, but I was curious how he died and if it was something I should know about (like cancer or heart disease.) I said I was sorry to read that he passed. I knew they were close (by his pictures.) I asked how he passed. I said that even though I only met her and her sister once when they were very little, I always thought about them. I gave her my contact information and said it was ok if she wanted to reach out. More than ok really.

Then shock of all shocks. About two months later I get a message back from her. She apologized for it taking so long and said I ended up in some strange folder (just like I thought I might.) She said she and her sister have been looking for me and missing me their whole lives. She said our father would talk about me and had some pictures around of me, so they always knew I was their sister. They just didn't know why I wasn't in their lives. She said no one would talk about it. I'm hopeful he was ashamed of rejecting me. She said they would love to meet me if I was ok with that.

I was so excited and hopeful. But trying not to get my hopes up too much. I wanted to be a part of their lives and learn everything about them. I hungrily sought out pictures of them. Much to my surprise I look like a perfect mix between them. We met a few weeks after that. Just the three of us. John dropped me off so I wouldn't have to worry about driving. What a guy. The three of us bonded quickly. I had John take some pictures of us together. 

They are both partnered up. My youngest sister has a 10 month old baby boy. My middle sister has four children. Three boys and one girl ages 3-8yrs. I instantly became an aunt to five more kids. WOW! I can't wait to meet them all. That was delayed a bit because...

We went to Hawaii for our 30th wedding anniversary.

We just returned a few days ago. We had a magical time. We both agreed it was our best vacation ever. The ocean is just amazing there. There's nothing like it in California. The waters are tropical blue and so clear. You just stick your face in the water and there are mobs of colorful fish.

My fantastic mother watched the puppies for us and did an amazing job. They were so happy and well cared for. I couldn't have done better myself. I was able to completely relax and have full peace of mind while away knowing she was there for them. They were her full time job.

(We don't want you home Mom! We're being spoiled.)

I was able to enjoy vacation even more because...

I found a new supplement that is actually helping with my energy levels. Finally. Someone in my Adults With Mito online support group recommended it to me. I decided to give it a try and it works amazingly well.

It's called NR Nicotinamide Riboside. It's an "NAD+ Precursor." It's a member of the Vitamin B3 family. I take 300mg (1 pill) first thing in the morning. I was taking more but it was working too well and giving me insomnia. I get it through a company called Genex Formulas. At $38.14 a bottle of 60 pills it is well worth it. 

New family, new energy, new memories and 30 years of marriage. I could not be happier.

From six wheels to two

Eight months ago I was using six wheels. My beautiful Permobil pink wheelchair and I owned the streets. She got me from A to B in style and speed. Topping out at 7mph she was ahead of her class. Now she is parked in my garage, lovingly draped in my favorite shower curtain (occasionally holding laundry for me to pay attention to.)

I love this picture my mom took of me last year.

I now have two wheels. My stunning new Lectric bike tops out at 20mph. I've only taken her 15 because I'm a big scaredy cat. Even though I always wear a helmet.

Shopping online, but I bought her in person at a REAL brick and mortar store.

My first day out.

I wanted an electric bike since I became mobile again. I originally thought I would get a three wheel trike. It turns out when I went to test ride them I hated it. I felt much less unstable on three wheels then I did on two. Maybe it's because I used to be a recreational bike rider, so it is what I was used to? It's amazing how muscle memory really works. 

Test rides were important for me.
My first time on her!

I feel so fortunate to be able to ride a bike again. My bike not only helps you pedal as much as you need, but you can also ride it like a moped with just the throttle engaged. So if I ride it somewhere and get too tired I can just sit there and cruise.

I feel like I'm 10 again when I get on it. So free. My next purchase will be a rainbow pinwheel for my handlebars. Don't be surprised if you hear me zoom past you house yelling "Wheeeeeee!!!"

Am I Ready?

I keep having dreams where I'm in an elevator and it's not going where I want it to go. I take it to mean that I don't feel in control of my life right now. 

I thrive on change. That's one of the things that drew me to therapy. As my mentor and supervisor once told me "Even the worst session only lasts an hour." Each hour a new person would come in with new issues and it was a huge change, and a challenge. A fresh chance every hour to help someone change their lives.

I don't miss that level of intense work, but I do miss that feeling of helping people in that way. I feel ready to start pursuing my CEU's to turn my license back to "active." 

I feel able to take on maybe a weekly support group. Especially this summer when the weather is ok. Storms trigger my migraine pain like crazy.

But also...
I'm loving ceramics. Spending time doing art is intensely therapeutic for me. So I will absolutely keep time for art. I have no intention on working full time at a 9-5 job ever again. I just can't do it. My body is much too unpredictable.

I also get a lot of pleasure out of being available to my dogs, husband, son and mom. If anyone needs me for anything I can help.

 

Changes

 One year ago...

• I only had one dog
• I loved all plants and gardening constantly
• I wasn't that great at ceramics
• I used a wheelchair
• I had no energy
• I slept a ton every single day

But in 2024

• I'm for sure over gardening outside
• I paired down my houseplant collection
• I often go a whole day without a nap
• I can do many many things in one day
• I walk my TWO DOGS on my own two feet frequently
• I'm getting better at ceramics
• I'm enjoying my hobbies now that I have more energy

I still enjoy a garden. Just not really the "doing" part. This year I went with flowers vs food. I enjoy watching the nature. Our bees and butterflies are very happy.

All In One Year

 

My mother and I went spring garden shopping at our favorite nursery yesterday. It wasn't till my cart was full to bursting that I realized "Hey! This is my first time walking here!" Later on that day she sent me pictures of the last five years we were there. 

The picture above is 2023 and just below that yesterday, 2024. What an incredible difference a year makes.

I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to "Just hold on. Help is coming. You'll be here walking next year." What a miracle this still is.

I have a lot of pain and get tired. I need to remember to eat BEFORE I do something strenuous or exercise, not only after. Alcohol doesn't really agree with me anymore. When I was a wheelchair user I had far fewer after effects of drinking. Isn't that odd? Now my body's like "Heyyyy, we have enough going on without also metabolizing this poison you just drank." Fair enough body. I hear you.

Eight months ago that chair was still my only way to interact in the world. I call 2PM to 6PM "Magic hour" because that was the time I would miss out on every day. Every thought was about my disability and how I could best live my life. What tools I would need to get me through. How to explain my needs to people and anticipate them myself. Being disabled is exhausting.

Today was so wonderful planting all of my beautiful flowers. I'm not growing food this year in my raised bed. Just flowers and some herbs. I brought my back brace outside but didn't need to use it. Which is a testament to how much stronger my back and torso are becoming.

My weight is up, but I'm trying not to focus so hard on that. I'll be back at the gym tomorrow morning. Driving past my beautiful garden. 

I'm Not That Person... Yet

In my dream life... 

I'm up with the sun at 6AM. I start the day with a protein smoothie (not a giant mug of coffee). I pull on my workout clothes, kiss my dogs and head to the gym. After an hour of yoga or swimming I come home, shower and dress for the day. It's now around 9AM. I take my puppies out for a walk or adventure in town. They come home pooped and we're all ready for some food. I have a healthy little cup of yogurt, blueberries and gluten free granola (or some hot oatmeal). 

It's now around 10:30. Time for some art! I work on a painting, or drawing, or just play around. Maybe I even have a pottery studio? I throw on my apron and do some sculpting. Or perhaps photography? Art till 12 my dear.

I break for a small lunch with my honey. Maybe a chicken salad? Light, healthy and filling. Protein to keep me going through the day. In this dream life I have no cravings and am satisfied with what I have. 

Look at everything I've accomplished and it's only 1PM!

Now I work from 1-3PM. Maybe it's writing a book, paperwork for my support groups, volunteer work or just reading a good book.

3-4 House time. I work on a house project, garden, meal prep, do laundry or clean something up. 

It's already 4PM and now it's time to walk the dogs again. After another adventure they're ready for their dinner. Lucky dogs. I play with them after dinner. 

5-6 I'm on my computer. Blogging, e-mailing friends, posting pictures of my art. Whatever I choose.

6 We start making dinner together while talking about our busy day. We're both tired, but happy.

7-9 TV while getting my feet rubbed and petting the dogs. I'm sandwiched between them loving life.

9 is bedtime. I'm exhausted after such a busy day.

Although this isn't my life yet, it's pretty close. I still rest most days in the middle of the day. Like 3-5PM if I do. I also tend to sleep in almost every morning. Some mornings I even sleep till 10AM. I can't tell you the last time I was up at 6AM.

I haven't been back to my gym in two weeks. Something I want to remedy. A long time to go without vigorous exercise or yoga. I'd like to be more consistent.

Life happens. Things get in the way. I want to learn to pivot better and stick with what really matters to me. Art, health and happiness.

Who Am I?

How would you describe yourself to someone who has never met you before? What defines you? Makes you... you?

I would say I am a woman who enjoys art and other creative people. I adore my two miniature pinschers and my Autistic son. I've been married for almost 30 years to my best friend. I am a licensed psychotherapist, but I haven't been working for the last five years because of my health. I struggle with serious chronic illnesses, mitochondrial disease and migraines. I am tall with very short salt and pepper hair. I am average size for American women. I wear red glasses (sometimes) and have blue eyes. I am very white. 

I love conversation over high tea, any music but acid jazz and generous people. I have a love and respect for Polynesian culture and that's reflected in my eclectic home. My husband and myself are potters, so yes. I would call myself an artist. I also enjoy photography in a very beginner way.

I love food and travel. I could live in the ocean, especially tropical waters. I'm a water person first then a forest/nature lover. I adore sharks, mermaids, rays, whales, otters and most things that live in the ocean.

I'm a Capricorn and have lived in the same home for 22 years. I have a wanderlust spirit that conflicts with my home-body. I'm also a maximalist with an un-voiced minimalist living inside. I'm a social justice warrior, a liberal, pro-choice and a feminist. Scratch that. A feminist first. 

Oh yes! And I'm 51 years old.

And you?

Dear Diary Dump Day

Dear Diary,

This year is almost a quarter over. How can that be? I haven't written in a while. Here's what I've been up to.

• Margo is officially done with all of her medical treatments. Yesterday I wrote the check and filled out all the adoption papers. Yay! Now I'm the "proud dog mom" of two dogs.
  
  
  
  
  
• Pablo was sold. There is now a huge empty spot in our driveway. The driveway we had built just to accommodate our wheelchair van. We're a single car family now.
  
  
• As much as I loved my massive gym, it was just too far away from my house. Going there, working out, showering, changing and coming home took most of a whole day. So I recently joined a different gym much closer. I don't like it quite as much, but it does have a pool, yoga and zumba. That's all I need.
  
  
  
  
  
• John and I decided that this October to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary we're going tooooooooo (drum roll please) MAUI! I love Hawaii so much and can't wait to go back.
  
  
• I'm still fat. Chubby. Chunky. My eating disorder is alive, well and thriving. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done. Trying to stay on course, manage my portion sizes and what I eat is proving to be my Darth Vader mega boss battle. But each meal I try again. It's also a struggle not to fixate on it or kick myself for eating something unhealthy.
  
  
• I'm sick of gardening. I wish I could sell our house and buy a condo where all I had was a tiny patio and space for the dogs to wee and poo in. I'm serious. I think subconsciously I equate it with my illness? I'm not sure exactly every reason why, just that I'm over it.
  
  
  
  
  
• I'm enjoying photography and ceramics. I would do both every day if I could.
  

Well, that's about all for now. Remember to be gentle and kind to yourself.

Unexpected Interests

I never ever would have guessed that I would become someone who loved Yoga. Or that I could ever DO yoga ever again. But yoga has been the absolute best thing for my body since I regained my strength and energy. THE BEST!

I mentioned in December that I was even transforming our "guest room" (that used to be my "daytime sick room") into my own Yoga Studio. Well, it's about finished. It still needs a few things here and there (like a balance bar) but overall it's great and very usable. I love it.

I printed out and framed a lot of body positive and Yoga messages. Also some poses and routines. Instead of just taping those to the wall I used the vintage looking black corner tabs. Like from old timey photo albums. I love those.

The space has been very rejuvenating for me. It's the perfect size for my yoga as well. It's a space where I can meditate, be creative, make art, relax, read with my dogs or get harassed by them as I try to get my "flow" on. 

Yoga has been so helpful to make me feel strong again. It builds strength, balance, flexibility and helps with my breathing too. It makes me feel more grounded. I also tend to dissociate from my body and yoga brings me back to it in an incredibly positive way.

I used to hate it and not be too fond of people who did it. I thought they were a bunch of wheat grass sipping, no bra wearing, tree hugging twigs. Now here I am hugging trees, sipping veggie juice and getting on my "Namaste." Life is so unpredictable.

What 51 looks like

with no hair

for now

nothing's permanent

I do miss an in-person class though. So this Saturday I'm going to check out our local yoga studio and see if I like it. I think all that education turned me into a "class" person. That's it for now. "The light in me sees and acknowledges the light in you. Namaste."

What a Difference!

 A few days ago we had our holiday open house. The last one we did in 2021, two years ago. Here's me in 2023 (left) and 2021...

Even though I look happy in both and am smiling in both, I look a little weary and fatigued in the right one. And it's not just the natural hair. Although after seeing these picture I don't think I'll ever have anything other than black hair again.

I'm close to the same weight. My makeup is similar. But as my mom likes to say "You look about 20 years younger!" I feel about 30 years younger.

I'm savoring this Christmas season. All the bustle and time spent with family and friends. I've also been very creative this season. Doing pottery, making crafts to decorate my house, drawing on wrapped gifts. Even though we've been incredibly busy I've made time to rest too.

My husband even went with me to Yoga yesterday. He said he can see why it's so helpful for me.

What a difference two years, one year, five months, one day makes. I'm so happy to have my time back.

Five Years Later...

Sometimes I like to go back in my blog and see what was happening five years ago that month. In November 2018 I purchased my first wheelchair and received my first accurate diagnosis of Metabolic Myopathy. It feels more like ten or 20 years ago. 

The world was without Covid. I was still working full time. My mother was still living in England (not right around the corner.) Life was incredibly different.

Right now I have the luxury of time. I'm able to spend the bulk of my time rebuilding my body. I often feel like the bionic woman. Remember her?

I'm being re-built one trip to the gym at a time.

Five years ago my body was changing in ways that terrified me. Now I'm changing in ways that are thrilling. I see my muscles getting stronger. Change I can actually see! Daily! Change that I'm causing by my actions, not that I'm a victim of. It feels amazing.

Finding A Rhythm

It has been a month now since my mom and I joined a gym together. We've been going regularly four days a week. That's a lot for bodies that up to now have only been in the pool with water weights. I say "only" but girl we slayyyyyyed in that pool! 

It still feels so strange to be able to do "normal" activities WALKING!

We're game for a change and tried most of their classes together. I was able to go back to doing zumba (HUGE YAY!) My big love from before I became disabled. My mom found out she loves water zumba. We are women who love to dance. 

I have discovered that right now I can really commit to three days a week. Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I need some recovery time and time to walk. I'm still working on my walking muscles too. Our gym has a fantastic track that goes through the second story. It reminds me of the train ride at Disneyland that takes you through all the lands. I can see the pool below me, see people behind glass taking a fitness class, others doing machines and weights. That makes it fun. 

But nothing beats walking this love bundle...

Max has been left at home while I'm at the gym. He was home when I would swim before, but it feels like a longer amount of time now (even though it's not). Most of the time he's not even alone. My husband works from home all but two days a week. We're talking about getting him a little sister next year. We'll see. Pets are expensive no matter how small they are.

In the meantime I'm finding my new rhythm knowing even this phase won't last forever. I'm just here, doing my best, enjoying each moment at it comes.