We've Got This

"In sickness and in health..."
My husband and I didn't include any traditional wedding vows in our ceremony 31 years ago. Luckily we both love each other enough to stick it out no matter what comes our way. Myopathy, brain tumor, TB, Diabetes, Liver Disease, Diverticulitis, COVID, a Regime in the US. I could keep going but you get the picture. 

 

My guy eats peanut butter as much as these squirrels love peanuts.

My man has been having some health scares lately. He's been pretty borderline diabetic for the last eight years. But this past year it was severe enough that he had to start medication for it and seriously avoid alcohol and carbs. He wasn't a big drinker before anyway, so we thought it wasn't too serious.

Then recently his liver enzyme blood work came back very high. He had an ultrasound that led to a diagnosis of fatty liver. We were both confused. He hadn't been drinking, he cut out almost all carbs and only ate white meat. What's going on? His doctor then ordered a different kind of scan and lab repeat. The scan showed that he has "severe fibrosis" in his liver. Which is one step down from cirrhosis.  

Everyone's body is different. He's also under a lot of stress and pressure with his work. And who isn't stressed out right now in America? I'm thinking that like me, he just had a strong reaction to something. Likely a combination of diet and environment. Fortunately also like me he is a "take action" kind of person, not a "wallower."  

Everything we are planning on doing to help his liver and diabetes is also good for me and my body. So it's really a win-win as long as we're serious and stick to the eating plan.

We both found this list helpful. 

He's now cut out all dairy and sugar. Going easy on fruits and heavy on veg. 

To help us out I subscribed us to a new meal delivery system. It delivers fresh made, organic, Vegan meals to our house weekly. Since I have a problem with portion control and getting enough protein in my diet I'm hoping this will be helpful.

So far I've tried out:

• Hungry Root- It had too much prep required and too much packaging.
• Misfit Market- Expensive, but I liked it. Especially their jalapeno hummus. 
• Thistle- My first delivery is Wednesday. It's also expensive, but all the shopping, meal planning and assembly is done for me. That will be helpful as my energy levels aren't great at night.

I'm also re-joining the gym this week so my energy at night will likely be even worse for a little bit. Having ready made healthy meals that fit both our needs will be a real luxury.  

Me living my best life in 2024

My mom and I are committed to going to the gym three days a week together. I'll start in the pool and slowly (hopefully) work my way up to Yoga class again. I got a lot out of both when we were regularly going.

Meanwhile my husband has been walking a lot more. He loves this mid 70's spring weather ((gag)) and the sunshine is good for his mental health. I'm less of a sunshine warm weather lover, so the indoor pool will be perfect for me.

My weight is currently at a good place and even though I'm just recovering from bronchitis and pink eye, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm hoping we can reverse my husband's liver condition. No way can he go before me!
 

(NOTE: I got nothing for linking to those food delivery companies. All my own opinion. No kickbacks.) 

What IS Best For Me!?!?

Today is week 3 of the Vegan diet. I can already tell it isn't working for my body. I feel hungry, weak and tired. Yes, it could just be me. It could be that's as good as it gets? My stomach is feeling much less bloated, but it's also less full. I stay full for a shorter period of time then before.

"Are you eating meat again yet mom?"

My mom had surgery this morning and my cravings were out of control last night. I seriously wanted to go get a hamburger after taking her home. But I didn't. What I did do was go get an organic gourmet turkey breast sandwich at our local deli counter. I thought it was a good compromise. I felt better right after eating it. Satisfied and full in a good way. 

I want to try eating a small amount of animal protein again.
Turkey and chicken breast
Goat and sheep cheese
Eggs

This hummus toast was delicious.

I think the "short chain fatty acid" way of eating is where I had the most success. That's what I changed to when I stopped needing my chair every time I left the house. I can also combine it with foods best for my mitochondria. Seeds/nuts, berries & leafy greens.

I'm really burnt on Asian dinners. But the lotus root in my stir fry was yum.

I did some more research today and learned that a strict Vegan diet doesn't always support the metabolic stability that I need. I also learned that the two food groups that make up short chain fatty acids (SCFA) are "soluble fiber" and "resistant starch."

Resistant Starch: Is a type of carbohydrate that resists digestion in the small intestine. Because it isn't broken down early, it travels to the colon where your gut bacteria ferment it into short-chain fatty acids, especially butyrate - the SCFA most linked to mitochondrial health, gut repair and metabolic stability. All good things I want.

Soluble Fiber:  Fiber that dissolves in water (so your small intestine) and forms a gel-like texture. Your microbiome ferments it into acetate and propionate, which support metabolic regulation, blood sugar balance and gut health. It feeds the beneficial gut bacteria, reduces inflammation and enhances SCFA production. 

Types of resistant starches to eat:

• whole grains
• seeds
• beans
• green bananas (or powdered green bananas)
• raw potato starch
• sweet potatoes
• sorghum
• millet
• quinoa
• starchy foods like rice, potatoes, oatmeal that are cooked AND COOLED! Who knew? They need to be cooked, then cooled, then either eaten cool or slowly reheated. 

Best sources of soluble fiber: 

• apples
• citrus
• mushrooms
• onions
• garlic
• carrots
• oats
• psyllium husk
• berries
• brussels sprouts
• sweet potatoes

When these foods are combines in meals I get a broad spectrum of SCFA, which is IDEAL for my gut health and my mitochondrial health. Especially if I add on some fermented foods.

Animal proteins only matter as much as my own reaction to them (I think I'm sensitive) and their fat content. They support my metabolism and energy levels, but they have nothing to do with SCFA production. Facinating. I wish all of this was taught to everyone. 

All or Nothing

My mom and I were talking yesterday and I mentioned how if I'm going to change a habit I am "all or nothing" about it. Doing things a little bit at a time never worked for me. Case in point. My wonderful husband and I have been together 33 years. I was pregnant within 3 months of dating (the second time around.) SURPRISE! And we moved in together two weeks after I found out. We were married less than a year later. All or nothing. And that worked out just fine for me.

So I don't just start eating one Vegan meal a week. I go full Vegan. It's going great.

I don't just "watch my spending." I stop spending completely. Well, now that Target's off limits (for supporting ICE) there goes a giant will to spend. I'm also in the "purging" phase of the year. Cleaning things out. Giving away. Not the acquiring phase, so that helps. 

A beautiful orchid I brought back from the dead.

A friend gives me her dead orchids and I bring them back to life.

Honestly I really want for nothing. I have a closet literally bursting with beautiful clothes. I have shoes that keep my feet comfy and ankles stable. I have a travel wheelchair, big wheelchair and walking sticks. I have a stunning new car. A warm house to keep me safe. Plenty of good food to eat. Books to read, TV to watch, a soft bed to rest in. More than enough blankets to wrap up in. Hot water for bathing. You get the idea. In many parts of the world I would be considered RICH.

Most of all I have many people who love and care about me. That feels amazing. So no... I don't need to go to Home Goods and get that Valentines placement. I want to go to the pottery studio and create something that didn't exist before I made it.

I don't want to go to Costco and buy new pillows. I want to get berries to feed my mitochondria. I want to walk my dogs, hug a tree, watch the birds, build a birdhouse, tend my garden, hug people I love. All free pleasures in life. I'm all in.

Feelin Groovy

My eyes are finally better. It took the eyedrops, ointment and an antibiotic to finally help. Jeeeeze. Something is definitely up with my immune system. But more on that later. 

What I really want to talk about is how great my Vegan diet is going. Here's the thing. I was Vegan for two years solid a very long time ago. My first year in grad school actually. I went Vegan for emotional reasons. Because I love animals and care about their welfare. I also love the planet and I know how harmful factory farm meat production is. 

Oatmeal with pumpkin seeds, flax and pumpkin pie spice.

I also had blueberries, but I took this picture before I added them. 

It was very delicious and filling.

As I said, I was Vegan for two years. Then it just stopped working for me. I was craving meat all the time. I caved and had a burger and then just slid back into a regular American diet.

This time I'm going Vegan for me. Yes, for the animals and planet too. But number one for me. That's my theme this year. Me first.

I don't think my body does well processing animal proteins. I've suspected as much since first going on the "short chain fatty acid" diet where I cut out a ton of animal protein. 

I used AI to help me come up with a meal plan tailored to meet the demands of my mitochondria. Foods that are top tier helpful. Shocker... they're all Vegan. Leafy greens, nuts & seeds and berries.

This was one of my favorite things I've had so far.

Cubed and roasted sweet potatoes on the bottom. Black beans, mixed baby greens, tomatoes, avocado, pumpkin seeds and a simple lemon oil dressing. Delicious!

I wanted to know if I cut out ALL animal protein if my body would do even better?

I'm on week two now. Last week I was down for the count because of my eye. Now I'm on major antibiotics, so it's hard to tell. My energy is about the same, but my muscles do seem better. What has made a huge difference is my stomach feels much better and my bowels are starting to become regular. Again, that could be from the antibiotics too, so I can't say for sure yet. 

I've been drinking a ton of lemon water. 

I replaced my morning coffee with Matcha, honey and oatmilk.

Here I'm having a simple smoothie with pea protein, oat milk, blueberries, a banana and spinach.

Ethically I feel much better. My heart feels lighter. There's so much ugliness in the world right now that I feel strongly about spreading love, peace and compassion anywhere I can. And not contributing to the suffering of animals through thoughtful consumption of not just food, but anything that uses and abuses animals is important to me. Very important.

My treat. Anything above 70% dark cocoa.
This was very delicious. 

I'll report back how or if the Vegan diet is helping my mitochondrial disease symptoms regularly. 

Always Trying Something New

I'm always open to trying new things to help me function better. The best discovery I've made recently is my "Visible" device. I did a lot of research before buying it. I read many reviews and watched videos. You wear it on your upper arm. I call it the "Anti-Fit Bit." The whole point of it is to help you track your efforts and energy during the day so that you don't over-do it. 

Ok, so I am the reigning QUEEN of over-doing it. Seriously. I've sent my body into rhabdo more than once. Which is awful. So when I first saw that there was a device to help me pace myself better I thought it might be a good fit for me. It is.

It monitors my heart beat and heart rate variability. HRV for short. I get notifications if my heart rate stays up high for more than 5 minutes. I can set how long. Then it suggests I take a break from what I'm doing so I don't expend so much energy.

Interestingly enough my heart rate goes sky high every time I shower. I always knew that showering left me tired. Now I know why. 

Here's what the app looks like on my phone. Every morning it takes a measurement of my heart rate and my HRV. Then it gives me a score. The score is called "Morning Stability" and it's a guide for how your energy might be on that day. You can get a 1 to 5. The higher the number, the more energy you have. I'm typically a 3. I've gotten a 4 a few times, but never a 5.

Once a month it asks a series of questions related to your health, what you're able to do and what you can't do. How hard things are for you, that type of information. Then it gives you a "Functional Capacity" score. This number reflects my ability to carry out day-to-day activities. 

A "Healthy normal person" is typically a 6. Here's mine for May. A 3.2

But here's what REALLY gets my heart racing...

Besides wearing my "Visible" device and trying to pace myself better, I also signed us up for Hungry Root. It's a healthy meal plan and food delivery company. They send me a weekly box with ingredients and recipes to make. We've only had it 1 week, but I already love it. 

It means giving up a lot of freedom with my food. The decisions are all made for me. At first I found this a bit scary. But now I like it. I can program it for what kind of food I want, how many meals I want, how much I want to cook and other things. Right now my box is set for gluten free, vegetarian meals. I'm getting some breakfast, lunch and mostly dinner. I just added fruit to my next order as well.

The only down side is the packaging. There is a lot of it. But we're also wasting less food and eating healthier, so it's a trade off.

The last new thing I tried recently is a drug called Naltrexone for pain. It's originally intended to help people stop drinking and using opioid drugs, but they discovered in very small doses it helps block pain reception. 

For me it gave me insomnia at night and knocked me out during the day. It also made me really sweaty and gave me a headache. I gave it two weeks and then stopped. It did help my pain a little, but the side effects were too much. Sleeping 20/24hrs is no good.

I think the next thing we're trying for pain will be Ketamine infusions. I'll keep you posted.

Now for my Hungry Root healthy lunch. No Taco Bell today.

Weight Loss Tug of War

I had a doctor's appointment today. It was rare for me because it had nothing to do with my mitochondrial disease or migraines. I wanted to talk about weight loss.

I've been going from 298 to 285 back and forth for years now. I think the lowest I've been able to get is around 273. And that's been a hot minute. I was down to 263 about 10 years ago. Neither of those are amazing numbers though. I really should be closer to 200-220. Even though the medical industry would likely say more like 190.

As I told the doctor today. I've done it all in the past. Weight Watchers, Lean Cuisines, Therapy, Journaling, Blogging, Reading soooooo many books, Meetings, Workshops, Dieticians... Ugh. I told him I've been overweight for about 25 years now and I need some help.

My mom just started an injectable called Zepbound. He said he thought that could help me too. (No. I'm not getting any kickback for this.) My insurance has to approve it first, but he's pretty positive that they will. 

My Friend's Coconut Wedding Cake Yesterday.

Beyond AMAZING!

I'm hoping to get:

• Cravings under control
• Feeling fuller with less food
• Fewer hunger pains when limiting food
• Past that "hump" of the 280's
• Help to kick start my weight loss
  
  

I'm concerned about:

• Constipation
• My system already being slow now going slower
• More fatigue
• Other side effects

Although I'm not excited about another injectable, I am feeling optimistic. I'm going to journal a lot and try to keep an open mind. I hope this helps not just me, but my mom as well. 

Times and Tides

I have learned in my 51 years on this planet that if I pay close attention, nature is the best teacher of all. That's one of the things I love most about Polynesian culture. Although it's not the only culture that lives so close to the Earth, it's the main one that I know and admire. Living on a volcanic island, like Hawaii and Iceland, you can't help but live in sync with nature. You are hugely dependent on nature for your survival. Any second you could be wiped out by her wrath, or enormously rewarded. We've lost that connection in more urban environments. No matter how many parks and green belts there are.

Not the same as a park

One of the big lessons nature taught me is that no growth can occur without destruction. Usually complete and violent destruction. Mother Nature loves nothing more than a clean slate. I respect that hugely. I look back on my life and see my own biggest periods of growth occurring after total devastation.

The Hawaiians also know this, which is why they focus on the "now" so intensely. Everyone has heard of "island time" and "hang loose." To me those mean exactly what my mother practices and knows so well. "Life's too short and precious to rush through." It's very easy to get caught up in the pressures of everyone else around you and start rushing through everything, even when there's no need. Rushing to our cars from the store. Rushing through the store. Rushing to the store. What happens if we're late? Typically nothing awful. You're just a little late *but not by "Island Time!"

Hawaiians also take full advantage of all of nature's gifts. The original native diet was very high in fish and fruits. It wasn't until American's came to take over that we introduced Spam. Although the Japanese labor force that was imported in to work the pineapple fields can take the blame for rice. I felt like I had never eaten a banana before until I had an Apple Banana in Hawaii right off the tree. Here we shop at the grocery store, or if you're very lucky, the Farmer's Market. But we typically eat far from nature. 

I'm very guilty of this. Frozen pizza, macaroni and cheese, heck! Even just cheese and yogurt. All are heavily processed foods that are known to contribute to disease. Does that stop me? No. It's what I grew up with and what I love. Though culture can and does change. Again, nature taught me that nothing is permanent and everything changes all the time. Even when you can't see it. Seashores are being eroded. Soil shifted. Rocks worn away. Diamonds created from stardust. Humans from blobs of cells. 

There is nothing from nature on this truck

Every so often I feel like I wake up from a culture induced stupor and wake up to the tides of nature. Fall has historically been one of those times for me. The changes in the natural world are so profound at this time that I can't help but to take notice. This always has been a time of inward reflection for me. This fall I didn't like what I saw.

I saw myself self-sabotaging over and over and over again. Doing nothing to support my own health. And little that nurtures my mental well-being. I have been shoving down the anger and grief over the death of the main male figure in my life, my Grandfather, who passed violently three short months ago. I have been feeding myself to comfort mentally rather than feeding myself what I know I need physically. I have been taking great care of others and not so great care of myself. A tried and true pattern of mine. I put other's preferences ahead of my own and lose focus of my own path as it crosses with others.

I am painfully aware of how easy it would be for my to lose myself completely to my new family. Stop going to the gym and just focus on them. But I have goals and I need to re-focus right now.

My Goals (what I want to re-focus on)

1.  My health. Eating the foods I need to eat to be as strong and healthy as possible. High fiber whole foods that will product short-chain fatty acids in my gut microbiome. Not long. This also includes going to the gym at least three times a week to work on my strength and flexibility. 
   
   
   
2. My creativity. Setting aside time for writing, ceramics, drawing, painting, whatever I want to express what's inside me.
   
   
3. My emotions. Processing my feelings about the horrible death of my grandfather.
   
   
4. My empathy. Spending time with my son, my mother and my new family. Also in here I put completing my CEU's to maintain my MFT license.
   
   
5. Making Money. Selling our unwanted stuff on eBay and maybe starting a support group of some kind. Getting back to working one or two days a week.

To accomplish my goals I need to be committed. Dedication and focus is what I need right now. Because there will always be more laundry and I don't need mac n' cheese.

I rebuke you Satan! 

I Am A Self Sabotager

I feel like I need to go to a support group for self sabotagers and people with eating disorders.

"My name is Antoinette and I'm a self-sabotager."

"HI ANTOINETTE!"

I mean seriously.

What is wrong with me?

I know I'm far from alone when it comes to self sabotaging, but I also feel like I have more on the line than a lot of people. Or do I? Smokers smoke themselves to death all the time. But I don't want to eat myself into a wheelchair. I really don't.

The feelings...

I feel huge.

I feel like I'm making my pain worse.

I feel like my food choices are making me weaker.

I feel like a failure for not eating what and how I should to make myself well.

I feel like I'm punishing myself over and over again, but I don't know why.

I feel scared that I can't do it.

I feel confused why I keep doing this to myself.

The facts...

I'm not "huge."

I "could" be making my pain worse. It's not a fact.

I need to make better food choices for my health.

The bad choices I am currently making are contributing to my health, for good or for bad.

I have been working out. (I feel proud about that.)

Every time I eat is a new chance to change and improve my choices.

I'm not alone, everyone self sabotages, don't be so hard on yourself.

"Self-sabotage often serves as a coping mechanism that people use to deal with stressful situations and past traumas. Unfortunately, it typically makes problems worse and limits a person's ability to successfully move forward in a healthy way."

-VeryWellMind on Self Sabotage. Click for more.

Food is my "self medication" of choice. Drug of choice. I love the taste of food with a lot of preservatives. All that fat, sugar and salt. Yum! When given a chance that's my go-to. Frozen food. Fast food. Diner American style food. Whoooo Mama. Gimmie that pie and cinnamon buns for dessert too.

I love to eat this way. 

And "love" is hard to walk away from.

It's an addication.

But I have to love myself more than the food.

Isn't that what it comes down to for all addicts? You have to love yourself enough to want to change. And it's not like you change once and you're done. I have to choose to change at least three times a day, plus dessert. I can't just put down my drug and walk away. I have to change and change and change and change.

I need stamina, grit, determination, focus, willpower and strength. And I need it all of the time.

If that's really what I want. Like 'three wishes genie' want. Then that's what I need to get there. That and endless amounts of self love with the ability to put myself first.

The Dark Underbelly of Meal Planning

I want to try something new with my eating. I want to give meal prep a go. That's the one where you make all your meals and snacks ahead of time, then just eat what is in the pre-portioned out of a cute, little container. I thought it might help me not only lose some weight, but regulate my protein and meals better for my energy and muscles. It's easy for me to forget to eat until I get too hungry, then make bad choices. One of the blessings of having ADD.

I decided I was going to pack ahead for breakfast and lunch, but not dinner. For dinner I would just have a set menu like I usually do.

Breakfast was pretty easy to put together. I put everything into a big bowl, then scooped that into small baby food jars (that I use for my dog's food). That made five breakfasts.

Inside is:

• whole oats (gluten free oatmeal)
• walnut butter & almond butter
• frozen berries
• vanilla protein powder
• ground flax
• honey
  
  
  
  
  

Next up were my snack packs. I'm not a snacker by nature, but I'm working on that. Inside is:

• super baby carrots (the smallest I could find)
• sliced celery hearts
• black bean dip
  (1 can black beans drained and rinsed, oat milk, dried onion flakes, smoked paprika, pepper, salt, pepper flakes, red pepper spice, hot sauce of choice.)

High in protein and super tasty! This is the best way for me to find a short chain fatty acid dip. To make it myself in the food processor.

Now came the hard part. Lunch. My husband and I decided on chicken burrito bowls.

But wait... that's not chicken! Well, turns out I was short on chicken, so two bowls are Vegan with pinto beans instead.

It looks so delicious. What could possibly go wrong?

To start let me say this took about three hours. That's just the lunch. Not the breakfast and snack. And that's with my husband helping by slicing the onion, jalapeños, tomatoes and lettuce. I did the chicken and rice.

I baked the chicken breast in salsa, salt, pepper and a little Tapatio. Then I intended to finish it off in a hot skillet with a bit of walnut oil. Except I was too eager and didn't get the skillet hot enough. Darn. It was still tasty though.

But check this out...

What they don't show you on Pinterest

I had SO MANY DISHES from just the lunch! It was a bit nuts actually. My kitchen was a mess. I did it though and managed to make us each four lunches. I typically have lunch once a week at my mom's, so I didn't need five.

Here's what it is:

• diced onion
• diced cherry tomatoes
• fresh mixed greens
• chicken breast (pinto beans in 2)
• sliced jalapeños
• brown organic rice (cooked in a can of diced tomatoes with green chilies, 1tbsp walnut oil and organic spicy veggie broth.)

That's it! No cheese. 

Both the breakfast and the lunch were delicious. I didn't have my snack today because I got a late start. I had breakfast at 10 and lunch at 2. At 6pm we'll be starting dinner. 

I learned a lot from my first time doing meal prep and planning.

1. It will take a lot of food. Buy double what you think you'll need. I almost didn't have enough and ran out of chicken.
2. Buy the right containers. I was lucky to find great ones my first try, but that's important. Especially for fitting everything into the fridge when done.
3. Clean out your fridge before you make the meals. Make sure you have lots of free space.
4. Have a backup plan in case you run out of an ingredient.
5. Measure to get your portion size correct. For example I used a 1/2 cup for the rice in the burrito bowls.
6. Have someone to help you, or buy things already cut or cooked to save energy and time.
7. Get your skillet super hot to finish off any meat.
8. Have an empty dishwasher. Ha ha.

Getting The Hang of This

Today marks four weeks since I received the big news about my genetic mutation. I met with my wonderful primary care doctor (who is sadly retiring) last week. He thought it was so amazing that I could have both a protein mutation and an enzyme mutation. I don't make COQ10 on my own and I can't process any long-chain fatty acid foods.

Lucky for me I can take COQ10 as a supplement and change my diet. These four weeks have gone by very quickly. It has been "All hands on deck" for my mom, my husband and myself. We are learning as much as we can about all foods. It's very hard to find pre-made food that fit the bill. Eating whole foods while out, or making it ourselves is the best way to go.

From pasta sauce to crackers, long-chain fatty acids are everywhere. I'm very fortunate to have extra eyes reading labels for me. I thought I had found a good oat milk for my coffee, but it turns out I was wrong. Then my mom found this.

Just oats, no oils.

I'm so happy this happened during summer while I have gobs of fresh fruit and vegetables at my fingertips. This has been my "go to" for lunch lately. So scrumptious! Fresh bread that my husband makes for me, local goat cheese with fresh pepper, roasted chicken breast, delicious juicy tomatoes topped with lavender sea salt. I feel very advantaged to have access to this food.

Those sweet and spicy pickles are addictive.

I feel like I'm really getting the hang of eating this way. I don't feel like I'm missing out at all.

My walking is going very well. I still feel a bit gangly and not quite like I used to when I walk. But it hasn't been very long. I know those muscles will take time to go back to the way they used to be. I'm having patience with myself (something being disabled has taught me.)

Eating out takes a little tweaking. Mexican is pretty safe as long as the beans have no lard. I haven't had any problems so far. I also do a lot of research before hand when we eat out, so I know just what I'm ordering. 

My mom took this picture of me the other day and it perfectly captures how I'm feeling. Like I've been re-born. Given another chance at a strong healthy life. I crave physical activity now and I want to keep it that way.

The first week of the rest of my life

The first day of the rest of my life. The first hour, minute, second. Right this moment is the only moment that will ever be. Knowing that makes it easier for me to make this moment count. Who do I want to be right now? My answer is someone strong, resilient, who learns from the past. Someone who knows what I want my future to look like. At least a little bit. A future I prefer… how’s that?

In my future I would like to be healthy. I would love to get to sell my wheelchair van and my wheelchairs. I would be giddy if I could have enough energy and strength to walk. So in the present moment I’m going to do everything I can to give that possible outcome a chance.

Since July 26^th I have been eating to set myself up for success. Tons of fruits, vegetables, whole grains and beans. A little feta and goat cheese here and there. Lean chicken breast and oat milk in my coffee. I’ve also cut down my portion sizes to what is supposed to be “single serving” or close to it.

I’m very happy to share that I’ve been feeling much more energetic. I woke up at 7:30AM this morning. Something unheard of before. And Friday not only was I able to be out all day, but I didn’t take an afternoon rest.

When I have been resting it has been much shorter too. Yesterday was only an hour.

I’m feeling a bit clearer headed. My physical stamina feels vastly improved. I’m doing  a lot more that’s physical during the day. I’m also still gently pushing myself.

I’m excited and hopeful each second that I’m able to feel good. My pain in general is less, I think due to swimming a minimum of three days a week.

I’m so happy to have had some potential answers and to have the strength to make these good choices for myself. No pizza on the planet tastes as good as walking feels.

Possible Answers

Yesterday my doctor let me know that my latest genetic testing came back with something. She said I have a mutation on my HADHA gene, but that I'm just a carrier. She thinks that I'm a "symptomatic carrier" (who knew there was such a thing!?)

The treatment for this disorder is to not eat anything that's a "long chain fatty acid" as my body possibly can't process it. And don't fast.

(Click to see images bigger)

I felt very happy to possibly have some answers. We knew it was a Mitochondrial disorder, but not particularly which one other than the COQ10 processing gene being mutated. She said "This is the first test to come back with a definitive mitochondrial link." A missing piece of the puzzle being clicked into place.

So with that news and my wanting to lose weight anyway my eating is about to undergo a huge change.

I did a lot of research and this is what I found out. I really wish there was a "Short chain fatty acid cookbook." Sadly people don't eat like that. Basically a Vegan diet without soy is the best. Super lean meat seems ok. Not for all the time but occasionally.

I used to be Vegan years ago. I remember being hungry a lot and missing burgers. Ha ha. But ethically it felt really good.

There are a lot of gourmet beans on the market. I can splurge on those. Same with rice. So many kinds to chose from. Summer is the perfect time for lovely fruits and veg. I'm lucking I didn't find this out in the dead of winter.

My hope is that I can halt my disease or even reverse some of it. I barely dare to let myself dream of a healthy normal life full of nature hikes and sex. In no particular order.

(Thanks Mom for the wonderful collage!)

Junk in my trunk

I am a woman with a lot of junk in my trunk. Thick thighs, legs for days and a tummy as warm as a pet Shar Pei. But I'm not happy with my weight. My weight has gone up and down with the same 20lbs for about 5 years now. And I have felt like I wanted to lose close to 100lbs honestly for about 20 years now. That's a very long time.

I'm trying to remember when the last time was that I was content with my size. I think I must have been around 10 years old. That's very sad. 

When I was healthy I used to try and focus more on my strength and less on a number. I did Zumba, swam and lifted light weights at our local gym. I also gardened a lot. Like hard core digging mulch piles kind of gardening. Not delicately planting flowers on my hands and knees. I would say I was "moderately" physical. I even tried running a few times.

Now days I do as much as I can when I can, which sadly adds up to very little. That means what I eat needs to count. Also with my disease comes nutrient use issues. My body doesn't process energy well. I've been told to eat little, often with a focus on protein. But do I listen? Not really.

My muscles need a break. My weighing what I do does my struggling body no favors. I know that. But over eating is a very strong addiction. I love food! I love to eat. The more the better. If I have a small plate of food in front of me I feel confused, irritated, deprived, annoyed, anxious... If I have a lot of food in front of me I feel happy, taken care of, comforted, nurtured, spoiled... Food has a lot of emotional connections for me. It's not just "fuel" for my body. 

Portion size isn't my only challenge. Eating frequently is also hard for me.

Looking back at my other food blogs I feel like I had the enthusiasm in spades. The planning was definitely there. So why do I keep failing at this one thing?

Unlike other addictions you can't just stop eating. This makes it harder than most to control. To completely change my relationship with food is obviously a gigantic struggle. Do I minimize my relationship with food and the level of my addiction? I think so. I can make all the positive slogans, lists and plans that I want to. But until I tackle my base level relationship with food I just won't change.

My lunch today.
I'm trying again.

Feeding Myself

I'm watching a show about Native Alaskans and a woman said something I love. "Everything is medicine, especially the food we eat." It's easy to forget that in today's fast paced world. I'm very fortunate not to live in an urban food desert and to have money to spend on pretty much any kind of food I choose. From wholesome organic food to junkie fast food. It's all up to me.

I have a troubled relationship with food and feeding myself. I'm really not sure even when it began. When I was younger I looked at food as an inconvenience. Something I just HAD to do. Stop playing and eat. Of course unless it was something super good like pizza. But even then I would just eat what I wanted and stop when I was full.

Something switched when I became a mom. Maybe it was eating my son's leftovers? Or eating for emotional reasons (eating my feelings.) I don't know but something changed. I began to over eat, eat at the wrong times and eat convenience foods. 

Every Friday was "treat day" for my son and myself. "Treat" meant fast food. I would pick him up from school and we would drive through the fast food of his choice. Yikes. I cringe at that now. I'm older and wiser. Sadly my now fully grown son is completely addicted to fast food. I can't help but blame myself.

But back to me.
I struggle with feeding myself. 
When and how much is a constant battle for me.

My natural setting is to eat nothing till later afternoon, then have something small. But when night comes the beast is unleashed! I love a very large dinner followed up with dessert. BOOM! More than a days worth of calories all at once.

How I "should be" eating for my mitochondrial disease is the complete opposite. Small meals with very high protein through the day. 

Then there's the ethical side of eating. At least for me.

I LOVE ANIMALS! All animals. I wish I could have a complete menagerie (and the staff to properly care for them.) Dogs especially, but seriously. All animals are wonderful. The way farm animals are treated here and in Asian countries is despicable. Really disgusting. So one of my goals for this year was to stop eating mammals.

In the past I was a vegetarian for a year and a Vegan for two years. As much as I wish I could be Vegan it's just too hard for me to get enough protein that way. I have low protein levels as it is, so I need to be careful. And when I was a vegetarian I increased my dairy (mainly cheese) to unhealthy levels. Plus I was still contributing to the cow/dairy industry which I didn't like.

I'm hoping by cutting out mammals I can find a healthy balance between what I need nutritionally and what I can do ethically. I can cut back on domestic cheese. I can eat more goat and imported cheese when I do eat cheese which is far more ethical and healthy. I will still eat eggs, but from certified humane farms. I enjoy organic free range chicken (not from factory farms) and that's a great source of protein. Fish I'm working on loving. I do love seafood, but honestly not more than once a week.

Why do we love some animals and eat others?

Beef is my favorite meat, but I just can't justify eating it anymore. The older I get the more I don't think it's very healthy for me anyway.

A healthy balance is what I'm striving for. 

Lately I've been enjoying either a protein bar or small yogurt cup for breakfast. Lunch is typically leftovers from the night before, egg and toast with a banana or a sandwich of some kind (like tuna.) Or if I'm fortunate then I'm at my mom's house and she's making me something fabulous. Like cod, baked potato and salad. I'm so lucky.

These are my absolute favorite

Dinner is still commonly my biggest meal. That's something I still struggle with. Both my husband and myself want to try and make lunch our biggest meal of the day, but it's a challenge for us. Dinner is usually fish tacos, chicken curry over potatoes or soup and quesadilla. We diversify our diet a lot with dinner. 

Dessert is something I'm working on cutting out all together. Unless it's a special occasion. I used to have a serious thing for Junior Mints. My nutritionist recommended replacing them with super dark chocolate bars (since you can only eat a little bit of them at a time.) I did and I find that I just don't want it that often. Although I'm guilty of making other gluten free goodies like chocolate chip cookie bars. But not very often.

I notice I'm not as hungry when I eat a high protein diet. My nutritionist also recommended eating a little bit of carb with every meal since it's carbs that convert protein to energy your muscles can use. I didn't know that and I had been eating super low carbs thinking it was healthier. So that's another small adjustment I made.

It would be fantastic if I could cut sugar out of my diet. I'm sure it would help with pain and inflammation. Sadly I'm addicted to my sweet sweet cup of coffee. Just one cup a day, but I need to have it sweet. I'm also still searching for the perfect non dairy coffee creamer. -sigh- I'm just a work in progress. Even at 50.

Did you know that...

• 10 Billion animals are slaughtered each year in the US.
• 99% of those are raised in a factory farm.
• Globally 80 Billion land animals are slaughtered for food each year.

This one shocked me and got me thinking...