1 week update on Wegovy 1.5mg

I'm writing this while eating lavender lemon cookies that my mom and I made for Easter. How do you spell ironic again?

I've been on the new Wegovy pill for exactly 11 days. Today is day 11. Here's the good and the bad:

GOOD

• I have noticed I think about food much less overall.
• I have way fewer cravings. I'd say about 99% less.
• I don't have that "blocked up feeling" anymore.
• It's easier to take than the shot was.
• It's half the price of the shot. $149 vs $300 for the same supply.
• It has made me think more about what I eat and how much. Especially during the day.
• Overall I think I'm eating less than I used to. 
  
  
  
  So good, but so bad.

BAD

• I can still eat as much as I want. It's still hard to stop eating.
• It doesn't help my nighttime appetite. 
•  If I eat too much "rich food" at night I get acid reflux (when I didn't used to.)
• I think my constipation is a bit worse. (I had it before this too, so it's hard to say.)
• It's still very expensive.
• I think the effects are getting slowly less impactful. I feel like I need a higher dose for it to be more effective.
• The first three days I took it I did have that "blocked up" feeling.
• My weight isn't budging.
• If it's in front of me, I'll still eat it.

I will keep on with it, but I'm going to ask my doctor for a higher dose soon. Or if I can take 1 1/2 pills or even two.

On the plus side since I started it I stopped eating all the Easter candy I bought for the kids. That's an accomplishment! 

See how I put them all right next to the scale? Sneaky!

 

 

I Am An Athlete

Ok... I'm not.

But my muscles THINK that I am. They conk out too fast like a marathon runner who is a professional body builder on the weekdays. Given that. I need to eat like a professional athlete.

I'm not talking about the 5,000+ calories a day. I'm talking about all the supplements, protein and muscle support foods that I can get. That means the very best breakfast I can have is a protein shake.

I don't always do this because:
1) It takes a lot of spoons to make (metaphorically speaking. Not literally.)
2) It requires a lot of ingredients = $$$$$$$
3) I don't always feel like drinking my breakfast. I girl likes to chew every once in a while.
4) It can be high in calories.
5) No matter what I put in, it doesn't taste amazing.

Here are the basic components I put in mine to feed my muscles and my body:
1) Some kind of frozen fruit. Typically mixed organic berries. Between 1/2 to 1 cup.
2) Some kind of oatmilk or juice. Between 1/2 to 1 cup.

3) Some kind of organic protein powder. Typically chocolate or vanilla. 1 scoop.

4) Powder fiber (I tend to run constipated thanks to all my pain medication.)
5) 1 tsp ground flax.

6) My recent addition to the mix, organic Inulin.

7) Filtered water.
8) Unflavored European style yogurt (if I have it on hand). 1/4 to 1/2 a cup.

Then I just blend the crap out of it and drink it. I splurged last year and bought official shake cups that come with those little metal balls in them for shaking. I find it really useful because try as I might things tend to settle fast. So unless I chug it like the athlete that I am, I tend to want to shake it a little.

I've also switched from my usual coffee brimming with barista style oatmilk and brown sugar to British tea with just a dash of honey. I'll still have coffee on the weekends. And you'll never see me without a massive cup of water. 

Here's my ideal breakfast

Something new that I'm trying also as a coffee replacement is sipping barely sweetened cacao. Just hot water, cocoa, a tiny bit of sweetener (your choice what kind), some Mexican vanilla, a dash of salt. Voila! You can add cinnamon if you like as well. 

The Cacao Powder I enjoy

You can learn about the differences in Cacao and Cocoa here. 

I am Miss Piggy! I am!

Weight Loss Tug of War

I had a doctor's appointment today. It was rare for me because it had nothing to do with my mitochondrial disease or migraines. I wanted to talk about weight loss.

I've been going from 298 to 285 back and forth for years now. I think the lowest I've been able to get is around 273. And that's been a hot minute. I was down to 263 about 10 years ago. Neither of those are amazing numbers though. I really should be closer to 200-220. Even though the medical industry would likely say more like 190.

As I told the doctor today. I've done it all in the past. Weight Watchers, Lean Cuisines, Therapy, Journaling, Blogging, Reading soooooo many books, Meetings, Workshops, Dieticians... Ugh. I told him I've been overweight for about 25 years now and I need some help.

My mom just started an injectable called Zepbound. He said he thought that could help me too. (No. I'm not getting any kickback for this.) My insurance has to approve it first, but he's pretty positive that they will. 

My Friend's Coconut Wedding Cake Yesterday.

Beyond AMAZING!

I'm hoping to get:

• Cravings under control
• Feeling fuller with less food
• Fewer hunger pains when limiting food
• Past that "hump" of the 280's
• Help to kick start my weight loss
  
  

I'm concerned about:

• Constipation
• My system already being slow now going slower
• More fatigue
• Other side effects

Although I'm not excited about another injectable, I am feeling optimistic. I'm going to journal a lot and try to keep an open mind. I hope this helps not just me, but my mom as well. 

I Am A Self Sabotager

I feel like I need to go to a support group for self sabotagers and people with eating disorders.

"My name is Antoinette and I'm a self-sabotager."

"HI ANTOINETTE!"

I mean seriously.

What is wrong with me?

I know I'm far from alone when it comes to self sabotaging, but I also feel like I have more on the line than a lot of people. Or do I? Smokers smoke themselves to death all the time. But I don't want to eat myself into a wheelchair. I really don't.

The feelings...

I feel huge.

I feel like I'm making my pain worse.

I feel like my food choices are making me weaker.

I feel like a failure for not eating what and how I should to make myself well.

I feel like I'm punishing myself over and over again, but I don't know why.

I feel scared that I can't do it.

I feel confused why I keep doing this to myself.

The facts...

I'm not "huge."

I "could" be making my pain worse. It's not a fact.

I need to make better food choices for my health.

The bad choices I am currently making are contributing to my health, for good or for bad.

I have been working out. (I feel proud about that.)

Every time I eat is a new chance to change and improve my choices.

I'm not alone, everyone self sabotages, don't be so hard on yourself.

"Self-sabotage often serves as a coping mechanism that people use to deal with stressful situations and past traumas. Unfortunately, it typically makes problems worse and limits a person's ability to successfully move forward in a healthy way."

-VeryWellMind on Self Sabotage. Click for more.

Food is my "self medication" of choice. Drug of choice. I love the taste of food with a lot of preservatives. All that fat, sugar and salt. Yum! When given a chance that's my go-to. Frozen food. Fast food. Diner American style food. Whoooo Mama. Gimmie that pie and cinnamon buns for dessert too.

I love to eat this way. 

And "love" is hard to walk away from.

It's an addication.

But I have to love myself more than the food.

Isn't that what it comes down to for all addicts? You have to love yourself enough to want to change. And it's not like you change once and you're done. I have to choose to change at least three times a day, plus dessert. I can't just put down my drug and walk away. I have to change and change and change and change.

I need stamina, grit, determination, focus, willpower and strength. And I need it all of the time.

If that's really what I want. Like 'three wishes genie' want. Then that's what I need to get there. That and endless amounts of self love with the ability to put myself first.

Meal Planning Follow-Up

There were some good things and some not so good things that went down the week I did meal planning. 

I enjoyed the oatmeal that I made. The protein powder gave it a fake sweetener taste that I did not enjoy however. I don't know why they flavor them with fake stuff like that. Next time I'll just stick to walnut and almond butter as the protein source. 

The lunches were good, but I did tire of them. I confess to not eating one EVERY DAY like I had planned.

I did feel more regulated when it came time to dinner. I wasn't wolfing it down like I usually do.

I still ate high calorie foods on the weekend. Drat. 

It took a ton of time out of my weekend.

I didn't have time to do it this past weekend. We were camping (my first time ever) and I had to recuperate.

I would do it again, but I would change a few things. I would make two different dishes for lunch and alternate. Or the same dish, but a little bit different. Like one vegetarian version and one regular. 

It was helpful to just grab and eat. To not have to think about what I wanted, get overwhelmed and not eat, or eat unhealthily.

My husband said it was very helpful for him to have ready lunches as well.

Feeding Myself

I'm watching a show about Native Alaskans and a woman said something I love. "Everything is medicine, especially the food we eat." It's easy to forget that in today's fast paced world. I'm very fortunate not to live in an urban food desert and to have money to spend on pretty much any kind of food I choose. From wholesome organic food to junkie fast food. It's all up to me.

I have a troubled relationship with food and feeding myself. I'm really not sure even when it began. When I was younger I looked at food as an inconvenience. Something I just HAD to do. Stop playing and eat. Of course unless it was something super good like pizza. But even then I would just eat what I wanted and stop when I was full.

Something switched when I became a mom. Maybe it was eating my son's leftovers? Or eating for emotional reasons (eating my feelings.) I don't know but something changed. I began to over eat, eat at the wrong times and eat convenience foods. 

Every Friday was "treat day" for my son and myself. "Treat" meant fast food. I would pick him up from school and we would drive through the fast food of his choice. Yikes. I cringe at that now. I'm older and wiser. Sadly my now fully grown son is completely addicted to fast food. I can't help but blame myself.

But back to me.
I struggle with feeding myself. 
When and how much is a constant battle for me.

My natural setting is to eat nothing till later afternoon, then have something small. But when night comes the beast is unleashed! I love a very large dinner followed up with dessert. BOOM! More than a days worth of calories all at once.

How I "should be" eating for my mitochondrial disease is the complete opposite. Small meals with very high protein through the day. 

Then there's the ethical side of eating. At least for me.

I LOVE ANIMALS! All animals. I wish I could have a complete menagerie (and the staff to properly care for them.) Dogs especially, but seriously. All animals are wonderful. The way farm animals are treated here and in Asian countries is despicable. Really disgusting. So one of my goals for this year was to stop eating mammals.

In the past I was a vegetarian for a year and a Vegan for two years. As much as I wish I could be Vegan it's just too hard for me to get enough protein that way. I have low protein levels as it is, so I need to be careful. And when I was a vegetarian I increased my dairy (mainly cheese) to unhealthy levels. Plus I was still contributing to the cow/dairy industry which I didn't like.

I'm hoping by cutting out mammals I can find a healthy balance between what I need nutritionally and what I can do ethically. I can cut back on domestic cheese. I can eat more goat and imported cheese when I do eat cheese which is far more ethical and healthy. I will still eat eggs, but from certified humane farms. I enjoy organic free range chicken (not from factory farms) and that's a great source of protein. Fish I'm working on loving. I do love seafood, but honestly not more than once a week.

Why do we love some animals and eat others?

Beef is my favorite meat, but I just can't justify eating it anymore. The older I get the more I don't think it's very healthy for me anyway.

A healthy balance is what I'm striving for. 

Lately I've been enjoying either a protein bar or small yogurt cup for breakfast. Lunch is typically leftovers from the night before, egg and toast with a banana or a sandwich of some kind (like tuna.) Or if I'm fortunate then I'm at my mom's house and she's making me something fabulous. Like cod, baked potato and salad. I'm so lucky.

These are my absolute favorite

Dinner is still commonly my biggest meal. That's something I still struggle with. Both my husband and myself want to try and make lunch our biggest meal of the day, but it's a challenge for us. Dinner is usually fish tacos, chicken curry over potatoes or soup and quesadilla. We diversify our diet a lot with dinner. 

Dessert is something I'm working on cutting out all together. Unless it's a special occasion. I used to have a serious thing for Junior Mints. My nutritionist recommended replacing them with super dark chocolate bars (since you can only eat a little bit of them at a time.) I did and I find that I just don't want it that often. Although I'm guilty of making other gluten free goodies like chocolate chip cookie bars. But not very often.

I notice I'm not as hungry when I eat a high protein diet. My nutritionist also recommended eating a little bit of carb with every meal since it's carbs that convert protein to energy your muscles can use. I didn't know that and I had been eating super low carbs thinking it was healthier. So that's another small adjustment I made.

It would be fantastic if I could cut sugar out of my diet. I'm sure it would help with pain and inflammation. Sadly I'm addicted to my sweet sweet cup of coffee. Just one cup a day, but I need to have it sweet. I'm also still searching for the perfect non dairy coffee creamer. -sigh- I'm just a work in progress. Even at 50.

Did you know that...

• 10 Billion animals are slaughtered each year in the US.
• 99% of those are raised in a factory farm.
• Globally 80 Billion land animals are slaughtered for food each year.

This one shocked me and got me thinking...

Powering Down

 So this is a thing...

It's called Livedo Reticularis. My doctors think I developed it from my Amantadine (aka: God's Cure Pill). It came on in May after my horrid sinus infection. I think they're wrong and it's from that virus. But they wanted me to stop taking Amantadine till I can be evaluated by a Dermatologist. Insert two month wait here.

Unfortunately without my Amantadine, this happened...

No, I didn't turn into a turtle. Not even a Ninja one.

Everything became slooooooow. I'm more tired in the morning (though I am sleeping deeper). The worse of it is my muscles became about 50% weaker. It has had a huge impact on my quality of life.

It has been about 11 days now with no improvement in my legs. They get much worse if I stand or walk. Last night I messaged my doctor to see if there's anything we can do while we wait to see what the dermatologist has to say. Blood labs? Antibiotics? I'm feeling desperate.

Because I'm moving less I also hurt more. It's a mess how that works. It's also been too hot to swim this week, which STINKS! Swimming helps me feel much better.

In the meantime I'm eating more to self-sooth, which isn't really helping my body either. ACK!

This little guy always helps!

I just have to ration my spoons even more than I was before. I have about 3 spoons per day or so when I used to have 6-10. And bathing always takes at least 1. Bummer.

I'm hoping for a situation update soon!

This is Hard!

 Here's how things stand on me trying to change my eating habits for the better.

1. This shit is REALLY hard!
2. I apparently don't eat enough protein
3. If I ate as much protein as I "should" I would never poop again
4. I'm still eating too large of a dinner
5. I hate thinking about this as much as I am
6. I'm glad I'm tracking with an app because how I think I eat and how I really eat are so far apart you could steer a cattle drive through it (Mmmm... running burgers...)

Here's some of the evidence that my eating isn't consistent even though I think that it is. These are screen grabs from My Fitness Pal, the app that I'm using (no affiliation). 

See! What the hell!? I knew that dinner was my largest meal (typically), but come on!

Ok... so I also have the awareness to know that it has only been a week and that most people suck when trying something new. Apparently eating like this is a skill and like any skill it will take a lot of time and practice to master this.

Now if you'll excuse me I must take a laxative and eat a boiled egg.

Punishment disguised as self-love.

Punishment disguised as self-love

Going out with your friends and pounding back drinks can seem like a good time and a good idea on the surface, but underneath that you're just hurting yourself physically. Or the messages that women get all the time that by applying chemicals to ourselves (hair dye, anti-aging cream, makeup, etc) we're somehow treating ourselves. 

Personally I struggle with over-eating or eating things that don't help my body feel good. At the time I tell myself it's a "treat" or "special" but it only leaves me feeling unwell and at a weight and size that has negative repercussions for me.

Again that's a message we all get in Western culture. "You're worth it!" While a billboard shows someone shoving a massive burger in their face. It's a rare person who would feel that "health food" would be some kind of a treat or reward. 

But when you scrape the surface of most "rewards" you will find they are actually punishments. So how can I break that cycle?

• Patience
• Mindfulness
• Changing my vocabulary around food (like "good" or "bad")
• Find pleasure intrinsically

Mindfulness teaches us that there is no "first pain then pleasure" but instead to find the pleasure in everything. That goes against what we're taught as children and takes a lot of time to re-learn how to do. The example most often given is in washing dishes. Don't rush to "get it over with" but instead really be in that moment.

So perhaps rather than focusing on rewarding myself with things that I know will hurt me in the end I should go slow, be mindful and find the pleasure and reward in every action.

I believe children naturally get this. It's the adults and our society that teach them to rush on from one thing to the next calling some things "work" and others "play." But science shows that when you're rewarded for something you enjoy doing it takes all pleasure and motivation out of wanting to do that thing. Reward actually robs you enjoying that moment.

I'm going to try to be more child-like in my food. Enjoying it for what it is... Food. Not comfort, not a reward, not sex. It's food and that should be enough.