Don't Just Get Clean

I was watching an episode of Queer Eye the other night and a topic came up that resonated with me. One of the people on the show said something to the effect of: When you're showering, don't just have the intention of "getting clean." Rather see it as a time just for you. Honor yourself. Make it an experience and take time to connect with your body.

Since I view my body as a betrayer, this is very hard for me. Medical trauma is very real. I thought about what I had heard. The person on the receiving end of this advice was also a big giver to other people. I reflected back on what I think of my body and how I have treated it since becoming ill and I saw something interesting.

In the past I would shave my head because it was easier to just not think about or fuss with my hair. (Or because I was too weak to shampoo my hair.) I don't wear makeup often because I don't like the feel of it. I didn't wash my face (outside of a shower) because my complexion was clear. I just stopped spending time on my looks. This all coincided with my illness.

Yes, I would go back and forth on coloring my hair. I wanted to go natural, but then I would feel like I looked old and sick and I would switch it up again.

But something recently changed.

I can't pinpoint it exactly.

Firstly it could have been my wonderful birthday party. Being around such magnificent women and being restored with feminine energy. It really was a magical evening.

Secondly it could have been me learning about animal testing and the cruelty in the beauty industry. Everything from our shampoo, deodorant to my face products were from evil companies. I vowed to do better this year.

Slowly I made a shift. 

I started by learning more about what "mature" skin needs and the changes that happen with age. I'm growing my hair out again (though I'm done with color... for now.) I tried out a brand that I'd used a few of their products in the past and liked them. They are local, woman owned, Vegan and cruelty free. I'm super happy with what I've bought so far.

Next I made a new skincare routine for myself. I do it every morning and every night. It is some special time just for me to relax and meditate. I'm trying to take extra good care of my eyes to prevent future styes.

I have a very simple makeup routine that doesn't feel gross on my skin. Again, using natural cruelty free brands.

I'm trying to "feel into my skin." Not just dissociate and "get clean." 

What IS Best For Me!?!?

Today is week 3 of the Vegan diet. I can already tell it isn't working for my body. I feel hungry, weak and tired. Yes, it could just be me. It could be that's as good as it gets? My stomach is feeling much less bloated, but it's also less full. I stay full for a shorter period of time then before.

"Are you eating meat again yet mom?"

My mom had surgery this morning and my cravings were out of control last night. I seriously wanted to go get a hamburger after taking her home. But I didn't. What I did do was go get an organic gourmet turkey breast sandwich at our local deli counter. I thought it was a good compromise. I felt better right after eating it. Satisfied and full in a good way. 

I want to try eating a small amount of animal protein again.
Turkey and chicken breast
Goat and sheep cheese
Eggs

This hummus toast was delicious.

I think the "short chain fatty acid" way of eating is where I had the most success. That's what I changed to when I stopped needing my chair every time I left the house. I can also combine it with foods best for my mitochondria. Seeds/nuts, berries & leafy greens.

I'm really burnt on Asian dinners. But the lotus root in my stir fry was yum.

I did some more research today and learned that a strict Vegan diet doesn't always support the metabolic stability that I need. I also learned that the two food groups that make up short chain fatty acids (SCFA) are "soluble fiber" and "resistant starch."

Resistant Starch: Is a type of carbohydrate that resists digestion in the small intestine. Because it isn't broken down early, it travels to the colon where your gut bacteria ferment it into short-chain fatty acids, especially butyrate - the SCFA most linked to mitochondrial health, gut repair and metabolic stability. All good things I want.

Soluble Fiber:  Fiber that dissolves in water (so your small intestine) and forms a gel-like texture. Your microbiome ferments it into acetate and propionate, which support metabolic regulation, blood sugar balance and gut health. It feeds the beneficial gut bacteria, reduces inflammation and enhances SCFA production. 

Types of resistant starches to eat:

• whole grains
• seeds
• beans
• green bananas (or powdered green bananas)
• raw potato starch
• sweet potatoes
• sorghum
• millet
• quinoa
• starchy foods like rice, potatoes, oatmeal that are cooked AND COOLED! Who knew? They need to be cooked, then cooled, then either eaten cool or slowly reheated. 

Best sources of soluble fiber: 

• apples
• citrus
• mushrooms
• onions
• garlic
• carrots
• oats
• psyllium husk
• berries
• brussels sprouts
• sweet potatoes

When these foods are combines in meals I get a broad spectrum of SCFA, which is IDEAL for my gut health and my mitochondrial health. Especially if I add on some fermented foods.

Animal proteins only matter as much as my own reaction to them (I think I'm sensitive) and their fat content. They support my metabolism and energy levels, but they have nothing to do with SCFA production. Facinating. I wish all of this was taught to everyone. 

Just Doing My Best

I'm done with Zepbound. The side effects were too much for me. Bloating, burping, constipation, painfully slow digestion... I felt like I had bariatric surgery. It took away my cravings, which was good and bad. It also dulled my love for food. The enjoyment of eating.

In one way that gave me insight to what "normal" people must feel like. On the other hand I felt sad to have no pleasure of eating. That "spark" was gone. 

When my Nana died I found books and books of weight loss tips, recipes, smoothies, advice, drugs... in her home. She was always a bit plump. Not big, but average. As long as I can remember she was on some kind of weird diet and trying to get all of us to do it too. I remember being given these giant green spirulina pills when I was young. They tasted like swamp goo. And for the record I was not a big kid. Maybe she did it for "health?" 

I was struck with how much of her life she wasted on all of these things that don't matter. Didn't matter. Her clothes size, her belly, her back fat, her "bingo" arms. She was beautiful to me. I was determined in that moment to not let all that "noise" screw with my happiness. The people in my life love me unconditionally, no matter what size I am.

She was perfect just the way she was.

Somehow I had already forgotten that lesson.

I do want to lower my weight for the sake of my joints and muscles. But I am beautiful, stunning and perfect. I don't need any weird food to do it. And it's ok to have ice cream for dinner every once in a while. 

I Am A Self Sabotager

I feel like I need to go to a support group for self sabotagers and people with eating disorders.

"My name is Antoinette and I'm a self-sabotager."

"HI ANTOINETTE!"

I mean seriously.

What is wrong with me?

I know I'm far from alone when it comes to self sabotaging, but I also feel like I have more on the line than a lot of people. Or do I? Smokers smoke themselves to death all the time. But I don't want to eat myself into a wheelchair. I really don't.

The feelings...

I feel huge.

I feel like I'm making my pain worse.

I feel like my food choices are making me weaker.

I feel like a failure for not eating what and how I should to make myself well.

I feel like I'm punishing myself over and over again, but I don't know why.

I feel scared that I can't do it.

I feel confused why I keep doing this to myself.

The facts...

I'm not "huge."

I "could" be making my pain worse. It's not a fact.

I need to make better food choices for my health.

The bad choices I am currently making are contributing to my health, for good or for bad.

I have been working out. (I feel proud about that.)

Every time I eat is a new chance to change and improve my choices.

I'm not alone, everyone self sabotages, don't be so hard on yourself.

"Self-sabotage often serves as a coping mechanism that people use to deal with stressful situations and past traumas. Unfortunately, it typically makes problems worse and limits a person's ability to successfully move forward in a healthy way."

-VeryWellMind on Self Sabotage. Click for more.

Food is my "self medication" of choice. Drug of choice. I love the taste of food with a lot of preservatives. All that fat, sugar and salt. Yum! When given a chance that's my go-to. Frozen food. Fast food. Diner American style food. Whoooo Mama. Gimmie that pie and cinnamon buns for dessert too.

I love to eat this way. 

And "love" is hard to walk away from.

It's an addication.

But I have to love myself more than the food.

Isn't that what it comes down to for all addicts? You have to love yourself enough to want to change. And it's not like you change once and you're done. I have to choose to change at least three times a day, plus dessert. I can't just put down my drug and walk away. I have to change and change and change and change.

I need stamina, grit, determination, focus, willpower and strength. And I need it all of the time.

If that's really what I want. Like 'three wishes genie' want. Then that's what I need to get there. That and endless amounts of self love with the ability to put myself first.

I'm Not That Person... Yet

In my dream life... 

I'm up with the sun at 6AM. I start the day with a protein smoothie (not a giant mug of coffee). I pull on my workout clothes, kiss my dogs and head to the gym. After an hour of yoga or swimming I come home, shower and dress for the day. It's now around 9AM. I take my puppies out for a walk or adventure in town. They come home pooped and we're all ready for some food. I have a healthy little cup of yogurt, blueberries and gluten free granola (or some hot oatmeal). 

It's now around 10:30. Time for some art! I work on a painting, or drawing, or just play around. Maybe I even have a pottery studio? I throw on my apron and do some sculpting. Or perhaps photography? Art till 12 my dear.

I break for a small lunch with my honey. Maybe a chicken salad? Light, healthy and filling. Protein to keep me going through the day. In this dream life I have no cravings and am satisfied with what I have. 

Look at everything I've accomplished and it's only 1PM!

Now I work from 1-3PM. Maybe it's writing a book, paperwork for my support groups, volunteer work or just reading a good book.

3-4 House time. I work on a house project, garden, meal prep, do laundry or clean something up. 

It's already 4PM and now it's time to walk the dogs again. After another adventure they're ready for their dinner. Lucky dogs. I play with them after dinner. 

5-6 I'm on my computer. Blogging, e-mailing friends, posting pictures of my art. Whatever I choose.

6 We start making dinner together while talking about our busy day. We're both tired, but happy.

7-9 TV while getting my feet rubbed and petting the dogs. I'm sandwiched between them loving life.

9 is bedtime. I'm exhausted after such a busy day.

Although this isn't my life yet, it's pretty close. I still rest most days in the middle of the day. Like 3-5PM if I do. I also tend to sleep in almost every morning. Some mornings I even sleep till 10AM. I can't tell you the last time I was up at 6AM.

I haven't been back to my gym in two weeks. Something I want to remedy. A long time to go without vigorous exercise or yoga. I'd like to be more consistent.

Life happens. Things get in the way. I want to learn to pivot better and stick with what really matters to me. Art, health and happiness.

Unexpected Interests

I never ever would have guessed that I would become someone who loved Yoga. Or that I could ever DO yoga ever again. But yoga has been the absolute best thing for my body since I regained my strength and energy. THE BEST!

I mentioned in December that I was even transforming our "guest room" (that used to be my "daytime sick room") into my own Yoga Studio. Well, it's about finished. It still needs a few things here and there (like a balance bar) but overall it's great and very usable. I love it.

I printed out and framed a lot of body positive and Yoga messages. Also some poses and routines. Instead of just taping those to the wall I used the vintage looking black corner tabs. Like from old timey photo albums. I love those.

The space has been very rejuvenating for me. It's the perfect size for my yoga as well. It's a space where I can meditate, be creative, make art, relax, read with my dogs or get harassed by them as I try to get my "flow" on. 

Yoga has been so helpful to make me feel strong again. It builds strength, balance, flexibility and helps with my breathing too. It makes me feel more grounded. I also tend to dissociate from my body and yoga brings me back to it in an incredibly positive way.

I used to hate it and not be too fond of people who did it. I thought they were a bunch of wheat grass sipping, no bra wearing, tree hugging twigs. Now here I am hugging trees, sipping veggie juice and getting on my "Namaste." Life is so unpredictable.

What 51 looks like

with no hair

for now

nothing's permanent

I do miss an in-person class though. So this Saturday I'm going to check out our local yoga studio and see if I like it. I think all that education turned me into a "class" person. That's it for now. "The light in me sees and acknowledges the light in you. Namaste."

Still Healing

I've been doing Yoga at home and a little bit of meditation lately. As in the last two weeks or so. My special room came along wonderful and is almost complete. It's a great space to do those things in, with my dogs staring at me of course. But that's much better than leaving them for the gym. Although I digress...

My point is that while I was meditating this morning I was trying to open myself up with my mind. Explore my body and see where the tension and pain is and what's causing it. I noticed that I felt very raw inside. Like an M&M but instead of chocolate I am a big, open, void of pain. That really shocked me. I leaned in even more to that feeling and saw it stemmed from the last five years of my disability being so serious. 

My loves, Margo (left) and Max (in the orange shirt)

I tend to gloss over things and move on to the next, on to the next. I tell myself that I sat with feelings and experiences but I think that's often a lie. I'm great at helping others sit with their feelings, but garbage at doing it myself. No shocker there. "Do as I say, not as I do."

I realized when really listening to that void that I am still healing from that experience. Of course I am. It has only been five months! That's what I would tell a client. "Of course you are! Hardly any time has passed at all!"

I've gone from not being able to walk around our neighborhood block to doing it while walking one dog and carrying another (poor sick Max) in a sling. All in five months. That's nothing short of miraculous.

Margo with her favorite toy

But what of all the other things that I can't see. That I'm "glossing over." All the time spent asleep. Those lost hours. Time spent not engaging with the world in the way that I'm used to. Energy spent on mobility challenges. The pain all of that caused both mental and physical. The impact it had on my relationships. On my husband, mother and son. I'm still feeling that.

I like meditation because it's a time to pause and really open myself up. I'm a person who needs time and space for that. 

Yoga makes me stronger and more flexible. But it also puts me in touch with my body. With my pain. And lets me know my limits right then and there.

Together both help me explore this new body of mine with love and intention. It's something I desperately need.

Sleeping Beauty

Onto The Next Phase

Life echos the rhythms of nature. Stagnation leaves growth impossible. Buddha says that attachment is the worse thing you can do. "Let go or be dragged." I love that saying. Nothing lasts forever. These beliefs help me savor each moment as it comes as well as embrace all new things that tickle my fancy.

My latest interest has been Yoga. Nothing has helped me with my strength and balance like Yoga. It also helps calm my mind. I've been taking a weekly class at my gym and just love it. I miss it if I don't get to do it. My teacher, Tish guides us through an hour of Vinyasa Yoga.    

I decided to create a specific Yoga/Art studio out of my spare room in my house. It has been serving as a guest room. I used to spend a lot of time in there on the bed with Max, watching TV while my husband was working from home in the main part of the house. But that was when I was very ill. Now I want a space to do art and move my body.

How the space looks now. Mostly just a big bed.

Getting ready for a change. Anyone need a big bed?

My Yoga mat and "gym drawers" are the most recent addition here.

Where my gym bag lives with some images to motivate me.

Along with space to move and a small table for art I'd also like to add a bar for stretching out. I find that very helpful at the gym. A ballet bar attached to the wall. And I scored a beautiful, free, lime green chair from a neighbor that will be tucked into a reading nook. No need for a TV in this room anymore.

As I change my home changes with me. I'll never understand people whose homes remain exactly the same like some kind of time capsule. I find it very uncomfortable. I like my home to echo my life and serve me and my goals, passions, needs.

I'm excited to get started on my room. Now I just need to get rid of that bed!!!!

Never NOT Scary

I missed an opportunity.

I really should have done this post in October for Halloween.

Ah well. For some the winter holidays are even more frightening.

Like "What mobility aid will I need for which house?" "Will they have gluten free food for me?" "What time will it start?" Or "Will I be able to go at all!?" OOoooooOOOoo. Scary.

But what I find the most scary is when my abilities change. Sometimes it's a slow change. The slow boil that's hard to notice. Like not being able to change light bulbs anymore (especially above my head.) More often then not however it's something I used to be able to do one day and then I can't do it the next. Like...

• Walking around the block
• Painting my nails
• Baking
• Staying awake all day
• Driving

You get the idea.

And what I'm learning as I progress down this road is that when it happens it is never not scary. It's never not painful. It's never not alarming. It just doesn't get easier. Then the once unthinkable becomes the norm. Just like COVID did for so many millions of people. 

I don't know how many more of these landmarks are ahead of me. All I can do is savor each moment and enjoy what I CAN do while I can still do it.