learn from the animals

To say that life has been stressful lately is an understatement. We're in a war against Iran. We're lead by an insane, murdering nazi, prices for everything have gone beyond sky high. Now we're in the stratosphere. From food to gas, most people are struggling. Women and LGBT people are actively being targeted, assassinated and having their rights taken.  

I feel angry, fearful, panicked and heart sick. 

But I can't feel that way all the time. Like the bombed Lebanese smoking a hookah amongst the ruins of what used to be their home. Or the teacher playing music inside the remains of a destroyed school. Art, music, laughter and love will always drown out the hatred of evil.

So I have been...

Making art. Making time for friends. Taking care of my body. Keeping up with my medical appointments. Loving on my puppies and trying to help people I love not feel overwhelmed.

My son is constantly stressed to the max. I think COVID really broke him. Now he shuts everything down with a "no." He struggled emotionally before all of this happened, but it has really become worse. His anxiety and depression don't seem to be at all touched by his medication anymore. 

After a recent breakup (where she broke his heart.) I took him to a town close to us for a break. I found this beautiful park with a massive pond and we just sat there and watched.

 
As I soaked in the beauty of the spot I could feel my shoulders soften from up around my ears. The tightness in my chest relax like a rope being untied. My breathing become deeper and more fulfilling. Changes that I wasn't even aware I needed.

Nature is a tonic for these times. And I need to remember that. Hug a tree. Swim in a lake. Look at birds. Go slow with my dogs. Nature is the best teacher of all. She can be vicious. But there is also a lot of love. She is slow moving. Slow growing. She takes her time when she's healing. 

The animals teach us as well. They too go slow. Enjoy the little things (like eating the same food for breakfast AND dinner.) Make time for play. Show each other new things. The old teaching the young.

Spending time in my garden has also been helpful. I think of it as an "earth detox." Where I just pour out all my stress and worries into the soil where it is composted like dead leaves. 

I realize I'm very privileged. I can afford the things I need. I don't live in a country that's being constantly bombed. The people I love are still alive and well. I'm not rotting in an ICE detention center. I'm in a healthy, loving relationship. I have a lot of resources and options. I'm a rare minority in the world.

I can hold both things. Both can be true. I can be sensitive and aware of the horrors of our time. While also healing myself in art, nature and love. I can take care of myself with food and movement and also be aware of my tremendous privilege. I can morn the lost rights of women, the disabled and people of color, while also laughing with my friends. 

It's not easy and it comes with practice. I think my background as a therapist is hugely helpful. But every day I try. Luckily I have my two beautiful puppies to lead the way. 

 

Exertion is sometimes worth it

The older I get the more I like my home environment to reflect where I am in my life right now. My values, my hobbies and interests, my friends and family. 

Last summer I updated my special room. I made an art corner and bought a beautiful desk. Everything in the room is special to me and exactly the reflection I wanted it to be. But now...

Upon my epiphany that I want to commit more of my time to my art I realized my space for my beloved ceramics was woefully wanting. My "art table" had become a "catch all" for everything from future craft projects to things I need to return. Even a bath mat found its way in. ACK! 

Is there even a craft table in there!?

Then I realized that the space (once de-cluttered) would be great for TWO art tables. One devoted completely to ceramics and clay and the other for my other art. Painting and drawing mostly. Then my desk (which I'm at right now) for computer things.

Voila!

But as I said previously, I am disabled, so I need to do this in stages. Something I HATE TO DO! I love to swoop in like a vulture and make the space perfect all in one day. I think this will take me well into the weekend. But I see the vision and it's coming along nicely.

Sweating like a sinner in church.

My "Visible" device telling me to stop. I listened.

Even though I have to stop and do this project in spurts I'm excited for the end result. I have time booked at my ceramics studio tomorrow and will buy some clay to take home. Anything I make they can then fire for me. 

I'm also excited to get some of this clutter out of my special room.

Hey Me! You're Disabled Dummy!

Holy hell. I had a big "aha" moment the other day. 

I needed to complete a certain number of hours of training when I renewed my license. A very large number of hours. I've been procrastinating completing them. This past week I finally got down to work. It took me about three hours, but I finished one course successfully. 

Then I spent the rest of the day exhausted and seeing double from so much reading for so long.

Completing just a very small section of what was being asked of me left me feeling physically ill. Why was I putting myself through this? 

No... seriously... why? The more I thought about doing this 10 more times the more nauseous I became. Was I even this person anymore? Didn't I leave all this behind because I'm disabled and can't do it any longer?

Yes. Yes I did. And no, silly. I don't have to do it 10 more times. I don't have to do it ever again if that's what I chose. Because why put my brain and body through that? I can help people in many other ways.

I feel like I've been in limbo ever since I left work. At first I was too ill to do hardly anything. But the last (almost) two years I've been torn between art and therapy and not really doing either that well.

I've always been an artist. I am an artist. I adore making ceramic pieces, drawing and painting. It's time I drop all the studying, quizzes and shit that makes me ill and get back to creating things. Like many disabled women artists that came before me.

Frida Kahlo

Yayoi Kasama

Lisa Bufano

Emily Barker

Judith Scott

And many many more. I'm honored to join their ranks

Me taking a much needed chill pill

Am I Ready?

I keep having dreams where I'm in an elevator and it's not going where I want it to go. I take it to mean that I don't feel in control of my life right now. 

I thrive on change. That's one of the things that drew me to therapy. As my mentor and supervisor once told me "Even the worst session only lasts an hour." Each hour a new person would come in with new issues and it was a huge change, and a challenge. A fresh chance every hour to help someone change their lives.

I don't miss that level of intense work, but I do miss that feeling of helping people in that way. I feel ready to start pursuing my CEU's to turn my license back to "active." 

I feel able to take on maybe a weekly support group. Especially this summer when the weather is ok. Storms trigger my migraine pain like crazy.

But also...
I'm loving ceramics. Spending time doing art is intensely therapeutic for me. So I will absolutely keep time for art. I have no intention on working full time at a 9-5 job ever again. I just can't do it. My body is much too unpredictable.

I also get a lot of pleasure out of being available to my dogs, husband, son and mom. If anyone needs me for anything I can help.

 

Settling In

It's 2024 and I'd say I'm settling in nicely. I have two beautiful, funny dogs now who make my life so fun. I have my mobility back. I have my son out of my mom's house and working hard to be an independent adult. I have pottery studio 2-3 times a month. I'm loving Apple Fitness with it's Yoga, stretching and Meditation. I'm also trying to sell our wheelchair van.

My near future plans include taking some online courses to get my license back and become a supervisor in my profession.

Going for a hike

Doing more art

Checking out a close gym's yoga class

I'm still more fatigued than I was before all this happened to me. Which is to be expected. But when I'm awake my energy is hugely improved. I can do multiple things in a day which I never could do before. And drive. I can't under-state how great it is to be able to drive myself again. -WHEW!-

I feel like things are going very well for me. I'm spending time with friends and family. Living my life and thriving, not just surviving.

Margo

Max

Adventure List

Now that I have more energy and my mobility back I have a list of things I would like to do. 

• Go Roller Skating
• Camping
• Ocean Swimming
• Snorkeling
• Running on the Beach
• Walk Barefoot Through a Meadow
• Collect Seashells
• Hike Through the Woods
• Go to a Botanical Garden
• Travel More
• Become Proficient at Yoga
• Dance with Friends (doesn't have to be in public)
• Ride a Bike or Trike
• Put My Hands in a Waterfall
• Create More Art

My Two Loves

For as long as I can remember (and that's quite a long time now) I've had two major loves in my life. Passions really.

1- Helping people

and

2- Art

I remember if there was ever someone in need or who looked "different" I would befriend and help them right away. I choose my best friend in the first grade not based on if we wanted to play the same game, but because she was so physically unattractive she was getting teased. Helping others is something I was just born to do.

A recent bowl of mine waiting to be fired.

I am also a born artist. My father was (maybe still is?) a visual artist and a musician. My mother is also very creative and has an eye for design. My grandfather said he had someone in the family who was also an artist. I love any medium I can get my hands on, but oil paints are my real passion.

I like photography because I always have my camera on me (my phone). Oil paints are both very expensive and very toxic. You have to use a lot of caution working with and around them. It was fantastic when I had a whole studio to work in. Doing it from home is trickier. Ceramics has been a joy. I never have any expectations for myself. I just do what I want and relish the process.

Having these loves you would think I would want to do art therapy with people? Not really. I like being "in the zone" and alone when I do my art (ceramics is the exception). Each requires my full attention. Mixing them feels strange.

So now that I have some strength and energy back, who get's that attention? What do I focus on? I feel pulled to reignite my love affair with painting. But I also want to get back to helping people more. Is there room for both in my future? Or will something else suffer.

I already feel like each day is bursting. Where do I squeeze in the time for my loves? That's a challenge most people have. The answer is to just make it a priority and do it. Just do it. 

Onto The Next Phase

Life echos the rhythms of nature. Stagnation leaves growth impossible. Buddha says that attachment is the worse thing you can do. "Let go or be dragged." I love that saying. Nothing lasts forever. These beliefs help me savor each moment as it comes as well as embrace all new things that tickle my fancy.

My latest interest has been Yoga. Nothing has helped me with my strength and balance like Yoga. It also helps calm my mind. I've been taking a weekly class at my gym and just love it. I miss it if I don't get to do it. My teacher, Tish guides us through an hour of Vinyasa Yoga.    

I decided to create a specific Yoga/Art studio out of my spare room in my house. It has been serving as a guest room. I used to spend a lot of time in there on the bed with Max, watching TV while my husband was working from home in the main part of the house. But that was when I was very ill. Now I want a space to do art and move my body.

How the space looks now. Mostly just a big bed.

Getting ready for a change. Anyone need a big bed?

My Yoga mat and "gym drawers" are the most recent addition here.

Where my gym bag lives with some images to motivate me.

Along with space to move and a small table for art I'd also like to add a bar for stretching out. I find that very helpful at the gym. A ballet bar attached to the wall. And I scored a beautiful, free, lime green chair from a neighbor that will be tucked into a reading nook. No need for a TV in this room anymore.

As I change my home changes with me. I'll never understand people whose homes remain exactly the same like some kind of time capsule. I find it very uncomfortable. I like my home to echo my life and serve me and my goals, passions, needs.

I'm excited to get started on my room. Now I just need to get rid of that bed!!!!

What's New Pussycat? (Oh whoa whooooa whoa...)

There are many new things going on with me creatively, medically and in my home. One of the bigger things is I finally have my BiPap machine. 

At first I was given a CPAP which has continuous air flow. It didn't work for me at all. It was like drinking from a fire hose. It took me about 6 months to get a BiPap instead and I hope it was worth all the work. (A BiPap has less pressure going out and more going in.)

I'm able to tolerate it all night, but learning to keep my mouth shut is still a huge challenge for me. Yup. I'm a big time mouth breather. I have noticed that my lungs feel much better in the morning when I use my machine then when I don't. I can breathe much easier and don't feel as asthmatic. I did read that a BiPap is supposed to be helpful for asthma. 

A non-medical thing I'm doing that's new is watercolor painting.

I've always loved oil painting. But it's very hard to do in your home. It also requires a lot of chemicals, so I stopped doing it when I didn't have a student studio anymore. Acrylic painting is fun, but not the same as oils. But with watercolors there's far less setup and cleanup. It's much easier on my muscles too. It's challenging and new, so I've been having fun with it. 

My garden is really going all out now. We have this beautiful orange-ish sunflower out front that's just perfect.

I love spending time out there when I can.

We're doing a major remodel of our front area right now too. We're excited to have it all finished so we can enjoy it. We're getting new fencing, a new driveway and a new bigger front patio with a water fountain! It's actually more like a small waterfall. I'm so excited to see it done. 

I've been finding the contractors and coordinating as much of it (including the design) as I can. Then my husband jumps in and takes care of the financing end. We're a great team and so far things are moving along. It's a challenge to deal with contractors, let alone 4 of them, but I can do it.

So that has been taking a ton of my time.

And then there's my weight. I hit an all time high about a month ago and am working on reigning in my eating. But it's very hard.

I honestly feel like I don't eat a ton, but then I have to remember that I also don't get very much exercise. The pool is about it. And although it's good for me, it doesn't help me lose much weight. In fact it makes me hungry!!!

So that's an ongoing struggle and something that's on my mind a lot.

I'm also always researching migraines and trying to find something that will help me more than the tools I already have. 

Although I already have pink tinted glasses, I thought maybe they aren't tinted enough? I got the darkest pink that I could at the time. I love that you can just try out a theory by finding a new pair online. I ordered these last night with a darker red lens to try out. Many of these companies take returns too, so if I hate it I can get them re-done in a dark pink similar to what I have now. 

And of course you might have also noticed that I colored my hair red. Actually my mother helped me to color my hair red. As in I told her how to do it and she paid for the supplies and did it for me. What a mom. 

To go from blue/black to flaming copper red is no easy task, even for a fully trained hair dresser. But 30+ years of coloring my own hair taught me a lot! And the few times I did go to the salon for a color I paid close attention. 

It took her a full day, but she managed to get as close to what I wanted as was possible. I've been having fun being a redhead for a change. 

I'm trying to make time for friends in all of this, but my health has been really awful lately. I've needed a lot more rest and down time than usual (which was already a lot). Just making time for family and the house project is about all I'm good for right now. I'm counting the days till my next Botox shots for migraine (still a month away). I'm putting myself and my needs first, which is still hard for me to do.

Life in 2020

My mother posed a question the other day. Only she didn't realize it was a question. She shared with me a collage that she made which stated "How we live now." Her statement of "How we live now" struck me and I asked myself "How am I living now? How has my life changed? How did the global distress of 2020 mold my life?" The answer came to me quickly. My creativity has blossomed. 

My mantra for 2020

graphic courtesy of my creative Mama

Here is a small sampling of how 2020 has encouraged my creativity to stretch and grow.

The pandemic hit California.

Each day all of us grows in our creativity. I love exploring new ways to create with my husband and mother. Artwork is always better when shared.

Processing Grief

I lost a lot when I became disabled. 

A big part of my identity was wrapped up in my job. No... my career. It felt like I had just barely scratched the surface of a huge part of my life when everything was turned upside down. First by my muscle disease that cause my energy and mobility issues, then again by my brain tumor that left me with potentially life long side effects.

I am very resilient and landed quickly on my feet. I also have fantastic family support. However I don't think I entirely processed what had happened. I feel like I was just taking it one day at a time in survival mode going from one medical appointment to the next. My identity as a helper of others had been turned around completely and now I was the one in need of help. 

I realize now that the dust has settled a bit (and even though that we're still in a global pandemic) I'm finally processing what happened to me. It was very shocking, completely life changing and horrible. Now I'm having to grow my other identities (and dust off old ones, like being an artist) to rebuild myself. 

A Sharpie drawing I did for my Mama

One thing that hit me hard this weekend was that I had been feeling entirely unattractive. My sexuality had been smashed along with my confidence. Not very long ago I was a full time wage earner, busy but invigorated. Now I feel like a "fat, old crippled lady." (My words)

Of course one fix is slow. Weight loss (which I REALLY need to take more seriously!) The other is my sexual confidence. When I look good, I feel good. But let me back up.

For the last 7 years (since I turned 40) I have flirted with my "natural" hair color. I had been a life long dye addict and was curious what my real hair color looked like. So began a very long repetitive process of growing my hair out, coloring it, then whacking it short to go back to my natural color. After my brain tumor I tried out Henna and shunned the drug store box because of the chemicals. But that was a long process that was also very messy.

Well, this weekend I decided to color my hair again. Not henna, but not the drugstore box either. I went with a natural botanical brand of permanent dye and I picked "Licorice." I wanted a black vixen look like Elizabeth Taylor. 

My Mama took me to our local co-op and they had just what I was looking for. Then she colored it for me at her casa. I actually really love it and do feel much sexier and confident in my looks. It's silly how such a little thing can help me mentally, but it did. 

For me this was less about dying my hair and more about regaining some much needed body autonomy. I often feel like my body runs the show and I'm just along for the ride. This time I took the (black) reigns and got some control back. I also happen to think it looks great, which helps my self esteem. All that for just $18. 

I know I'll continue to process and grieve for what I lost, while being aware the whole time of how very lucky I am. My feelings aren't exclusive and I give myself full permission to feel both.

Nesting

August has been an interesting month. It started off fantastic with my husband finally taking some time off of work and us diving into our fun bedroom decorating project. But then the fires came to California and it looked and felt like the world was ending. 

The family had already been investing time into making our home even more special. We'd been tending our garden, caring for the ever growing collection of house plants and investing our "vacation/travel fund" into a bedroom spruce up instead. Not just any re-do though. Not your Better Homes and Gardens bedroom. We're turning our bedroom into a Disney Jungle Cruise (loosely) themed room. It's going to be amazing!

We've been doing a lot of art and fun craft projects to make it uniquely ours. Not only does it personalize the space, but it saves money too. 

So while it does indeed feel like the world might be ending, we can be sipping cocktails (and mocktails) in our tiki room, or snoozing under a canopy of "man eating jungle vines." A worthy investment to lift our spirits.

All of this may sound superficial, but mental health is just as important as physical health. Keeping busy with "nesting" is an instinct almost every living thing has.

I've also learned that I can have gratitude for what I have knowing how lucky I am while also having empathy for those who aren't as fortunate. Feelings are not exclusionary. 

Habits

My mother and I describe ourselves as the "Queens of lists". Every week we sit down and make a list of things we've been talking about. Usually something on a deep level or something we'd like to explore and grow in some way.

Last week we were discussing habits. Specifically things we'd like to become more of a "good" habit. Here's what I came up with:

Of course I also listen to my body. She comes first and sometimes habits fall by the wayside. Like this morning we were going to go swimming together, but my body just screamed "NOPE! No spoons for that today!" And I listened. Not something I used to be able to do at all, so I guess it is a new habit after all?

Here's me participating in some new weekly habits.

My new habits combined with my refusal to compare myself to my "old" self have resulted in something I really needed. A new routine in my life. A new way of living and being in the world. Which have resulted in this!...