learn from the animals

To say that life has been stressful lately is an understatement. We're in a war against Iran. We're lead by an insane, murdering nazi, prices for everything have gone beyond sky high. Now we're in the stratosphere. From food to gas, most people are struggling. Women and LGBT people are actively being targeted, assassinated and having their rights taken.  

I feel angry, fearful, panicked and heart sick. 

But I can't feel that way all the time. Like the bombed Lebanese smoking a hookah amongst the ruins of what used to be their home. Or the teacher playing music inside the remains of a destroyed school. Art, music, laughter and love will always drown out the hatred of evil.

So I have been...

Making art. Making time for friends. Taking care of my body. Keeping up with my medical appointments. Loving on my puppies and trying to help people I love not feel overwhelmed.

My son is constantly stressed to the max. I think COVID really broke him. Now he shuts everything down with a "no." He struggled emotionally before all of this happened, but it has really become worse. His anxiety and depression don't seem to be at all touched by his medication anymore. 

After a recent breakup (where she broke his heart.) I took him to a town close to us for a break. I found this beautiful park with a massive pond and we just sat there and watched.

 
As I soaked in the beauty of the spot I could feel my shoulders soften from up around my ears. The tightness in my chest relax like a rope being untied. My breathing become deeper and more fulfilling. Changes that I wasn't even aware I needed.

Nature is a tonic for these times. And I need to remember that. Hug a tree. Swim in a lake. Look at birds. Go slow with my dogs. Nature is the best teacher of all. She can be vicious. But there is also a lot of love. She is slow moving. Slow growing. She takes her time when she's healing. 

The animals teach us as well. They too go slow. Enjoy the little things (like eating the same food for breakfast AND dinner.) Make time for play. Show each other new things. The old teaching the young.

Spending time in my garden has also been helpful. I think of it as an "earth detox." Where I just pour out all my stress and worries into the soil where it is composted like dead leaves. 

I realize I'm very privileged. I can afford the things I need. I don't live in a country that's being constantly bombed. The people I love are still alive and well. I'm not rotting in an ICE detention center. I'm in a healthy, loving relationship. I have a lot of resources and options. I'm a rare minority in the world.

I can hold both things. Both can be true. I can be sensitive and aware of the horrors of our time. While also healing myself in art, nature and love. I can take care of myself with food and movement and also be aware of my tremendous privilege. I can morn the lost rights of women, the disabled and people of color, while also laughing with my friends. 

It's not easy and it comes with practice. I think my background as a therapist is hugely helpful. But every day I try. Luckily I have my two beautiful puppies to lead the way. 

 

All about MAX!

Meet MAX! Max is my support animal. He is the best behaved dog ever. I joke that the second we leave the house and get in the car to go on some adventure (or just to the store) he turns into a stuffed animal. So quiet and just sniffing the world around him. At home he's a trouble maker who nips at our heels as we walk down the hall. I'm guessing to show his annoyance at being so little while we are so big.

The story of Max begins October, 2021 when I saw this...

click to make bigger

The second I saw that little face I KNEW he was meant for me. I just knew it. It wasn't love at first sight. It was more than that. Soul mate at first sight would be more accurate. I told my husband about "Ethan" (what a God awful name.) And he agreed we could apply to adopt him.

Our little man had been rescued from a hoarding situation along with 11 other dogs. I had been looking for a miniature pinscher due to their small size and less anxious nature than other small dogs. There were three other families applying for Max, but I won out in the end. Of course I did. We were meant to be.

Two weeks later we were on our way to bring him home. He was living in a foster home and she was sad to see him go. I think she would have kept him if she didn't already have cats and dogs of her own. He was a rolly polly little pudge ball. Like a round "potato." His first nickname.

The first time I met Max at his foster Mom's house.

Poor guy was twice the size he was supposed to be. We kept our fingers crossed he wouldn't die before we could get his weight down. He breathed very heavily and had a hard time going up and down stairs. We also quickly learned that he was deathly afraid of wood floors. Uh oh. It's a common thing for dogs but nothing we had encountered before.

Max also had acid reflux. I'm not sure if he had throat damage from being so obese, but he still has to take a Prilosec every day or he throws up at night. 

Our first days went smooth. Super smooth. He didn't know how to go for a walk and was scared of everything. But with love and patience all of that went away.

Coming Home!

We also learned that Max was not 3-5 years old like we had been told, but 6. I'm glad I didn't know that at the time however because I might have had second thoughts. 

I made all of his own food feeling it would be healthier for him and better for his digestion. I took over his weight loss and eight months later he hit his goal weight. 

The first time he slept like this we died laughing. 
It's a breed trait. Most minpins do it. 

Lucky for us my mom (who lives close) also fell instantly in love with Max and he with her. She takes him out for car rides, buys him "pup burgers" and walks him at our local cemetery. She also watches him on those rare instances he can't come with us.

It didn't take long for Max to start coming everywhere with us. He loooooved car rides from the first moment we got him. It took him a bit to feel comfortable out in the wide world however. But the more we took him the more he loved it. Especially safe in his sling with me.

Snug in his sling.

How I carry him now. A special front facing backpack.

It requires less arm strength from me.

Max also quickly proved himself to be an excellent service animal. He lets me know when it's time to rest or when I'm tired when I don't notice it myself and am engrossed in something or pushing it. He'll nudge me or just go to bed and wait for me to join him. And if I'm not doing well and in bed he stays by my side (unless Dad's eating peanut butter.)

Max is the smartest dog we've ever had. He's quick to learn new things. He just wants to be with us all of the time no matter what we're up to.

Smart boy solving a treat puzzle.

His first "pupachino" to celebrate hitting his goal weight.

We can't imagine our lives without Max. He's the funniest, funnest little bundle. His personality is enormous and I feel so privileged to be able to share my life with him. Love and patience have led him to grow into his own sweet dog-hood. We all fee lucky to have Max to share our life with us. I only hope he lives forever.

My husband likes to make pictures in my Sunday coffee.

This one is Max.

He's road trip ready!

Puppy Love

All animals are amazing, but my top favorite has to be canines. Dog's love you like no other animal on earth. They make you laugh, lower your heart rate, reduce stress, keep you active and give you the most unconditional love you will ever find. If you pay close attention there is much to learn from a canine companion.

We've been lucky enough to share our life and home with three dogs over the last 20 years. The first was Snack. Her "gotcha" anniversary is coming up next week. We got her from our local animal shelter. We were told she was dropped off in the night box, though who would ever let such a precious soul go like that is still beyond me. We figured she was about two years old when we got her and was a cross between a yellow lab and a basset hound. A more perfect dog there never was. She had endless patience for our son, was always hungry for a treat (or five) and gave us so much joy. She was with us for about 10 years.

Our second dog was an impulse rescue on my part. I really wanted a puppy bad (I blame hormones) so I went and adopted one without letting my husband know. Snack was wonderful with Sweetie. I think she might have had her own puppies at one time because her maternal instincts kicked in immediately.

I adopted Sweetie from the same shelter we got Snack from, but she was only three months old at the time. We now think she's part Whippet and part Rat Terrier, but I was told at the time that she was a Chihuahua mix. She's always had a tiny bit of a stinky temper, but she also lives up to her name.

Our third dog came along soon after we lost Snack. Lulu the 100% pure Basset Hound had been dumped in a friend's backyard by her son's roommates. Apparently he had moved to Mexico without his dog, so his roommates drove her all the way from San Diego to Davis just to leave her alone in the backyard. She HATED to be in a car the whole time we had her. Understandable given what happened to her. My husband saw Lulu's picture on Facebook with a desperate plea from our friend. We met her that afternoon and took her back home with us that night. It was a no-brainer. My husband LOVES Basset Hounds and Lulu needed a family right away. We were her 5th and last family.

Sweetie got along with Lulu just as well as she did Snack. They would play together and walk well together. Well, as good as a Basset can walk considering they are all part stubborn donkey. We had Lulu for about eight years before she passed. She was a ton of fun, but also enough work to make me swear off pure bred dogs for eternity.

Now Sweetie is 13 years old and into her twilight years. She has moderate dementia, but still loves going for walks. She also eats well and has never had an accident in the house. We love her to bits, even if she takes up our whole bed.

I find myself really missing that total companionship and dedication you get from a dog though. Sweetie is much more like a cat behaviorally now than like a dog. She likes attention on her terms when she feels like it. Her favorite pastime is just to stand and stare at nothing. -sigh- Not that big happy grin you get from most dogs.

My heart says I want another dog NOW but my brain says it's a bad time. We'll see who wins the battle. 

Missing Her

One of the hard parts of now working 40 hours a week is missing my dog Sweetie. I've had her since she was a 3 month old puppy. She's around 12 now. I saw her sweet face at the animal shelter. She was so small and curled in a ball in a giant cage. I just knew I had to save her and make her feel loved, safe and warm the rest of her life.

She has been my constant companion, especially when my chronic illnesses struck. If I'm in bed, she's in bed with me. When I'm up, she's right there. When I'm in the shower, she's in the bathroom waiting for me. My husband has a dog too and they do get along very well, but I'm her Mama. It's just always been that way.

I do what I can to make her cozy before I leave in the mornings. She jumps up on the couch on her fluffy pillow and I cover her with blankets. If she seems cold I tuck a hot water bottle right next to her. But then I'm gone for 11 hours. I miss her terribly and I know she misses me.

One of my favorite parts of the day is coming home, sitting on the couch with her tucked between myself and my husband and snuggling her. Yes, I'm the kind of person who kisses her dog. No tongue, but I can't help it! I hope you have your own rescue comfort animal too. I can't imagine my life without her.

There and back again - Brain Surgery

Tah Dah!!! All finished. The meningioma has been successfully removed. 3 days in the hospital and 8 hours later that little invasive sucker is gone. It took longer than my surgeon thought it would, but i'm just thrilled to have it all finished.

Here's a bit of a play-by-play and hopefully some useful information for you.

Tuesday the 26th of September, day before brain surgery. This was my long awaited 3 month appointment with neurology. We waited almost 2 hours and it wasn't all that helpful. I was annoyed, my husband was patient. They want to test me for Myathenia Gravis as a potential cause for my muscle weakness, even though I don't have any eye drooping. Whatever. I was over it and ready to get the tumor gone.

I had also had my hair cut pretty short on the sides for surgery.

Thursday September 27th. We left for the hospital at 4:30AM. Not drinking anything before surgery sucks. I was thirsty and my veins (for once in my life) wouldn't tap at all. But everyone did their best to make me comfy and prepare me for the big surgery. I wasn't nervous till they wheeled me into the operating room. There were a lot of people in a very big space. Brain surgery is serious and I felt that. It took them 6 tries of a medication to "help me relax." Not much seemed to be going as it should have been and that made me even more nervous. But then came the gas and I was OUT! It was wonderful. I didn't feel a thing and I don't remember a thing.

Trusting my doctors and all ready for surgery!

This was around 7:30AM

Recovering from surgery I think around 4PM? I'm not positive.

The water was divine. A gift from the Gods!

I was feeling happy to be all done. My husband said my head looked like an Asian Pear all wrapped up. Turned out I had a latex allergy that caused some issues. And my veins still weren't cooperating. But the tumor was out! YAY!

Feeling a little better and the nurses took some of the pressure off my forehead. A nice little blister was starting to form. Darn it!

I spent the first night and day in ICU. Each nurse had 2 patients and I had my own room. I was on a "soft diet" which was good because the left side of my jaw was sore from the muscle needing to be pulled back. I also have 14 staples around my ear. Not bad at all! We were told it would be more and go all the way up my head. So that was a lucky surprise. Everyone was taking good care of me and giving me constant medication. I had 3 ports, 2 in each hand and 1 in my foot. My veins were not cooperating at all and that was a bit of a problem. I also opened an artery when I tried to brush my teeth the first night. Fortunately nurses don't mind things like a sink full of blood. 

I had a lot of love and visitors. My auntie bought me this super soft pink stuffed bear. She know's I'm a sucker for stuffed animals. I also brought this soft blanket to the hospital. Something I HIGHLY recommend anyone do whose having surgery!

Friday September 28th I was moved to another room that I shared with a roommate. Luckily I had the bed by the window. She had... some major problems. I don't know what, but I was pretty yucked out when she pooped the bed and gassed out the entire room. I literally had to run out into the hall and wait for the poor nurses to clean it all up and spray the room down. Then of course they felt bad for me to have to be out of bed. It was just a bad situation. But the nurses were great and I was well taken care of. I even had more family and visitors come to check on me. Including my son who was there much longer than he thought he'd be. Hahaha!

Hospitals are so exciting.

By now I was able to take the head wrap off and almost all of the ports out. Yippeee!!! My sister-in-law brought me this beautiful soft hat. It was much better than the Asian Pear wrapper.

Happy, but ready to go home.

Honestly the time is going really fast. Monday, October 1st was our 24th wedding Anniversary but time is blending right now. I'm still on a  LOT of medication. Pain pills, oxy, tylenol, anti-seizure, steroids, stool softner, my regular Lyrica, Cymbalta and Synthroid. It's a lot to keep track of and my husband is doing a great job!

Yesterday at 5AM I decided to shave my head. I had a very good reason. The latex wrap caused a lot of blisters and scabs and I just wanted a healthy, healed scalp. I was awake and it was raining outside for the first time in ages. I thought "I'm going to lovingly, carefully shave my head down to a 9, then rub it in coconut oil and take a nice warm shower." It was the best thing I could have done. Unfortunately my husband woke up to find me naked eating grapes, with a shower cap over my dome covered in coconut oil. I'm pretty sure he was 100% convinced I'd lost it completely. Once I explained, he got it. The hard part of living with an impulsive wife. 

My daily organic, unrefined coconut oil rub that I leave on for 30-40min, then shampoo off with all natural baby shampoo.

I'm doing well, though my bruises aren't healing as fast as I'd hoped. I'm feeling shockingly social, which is new for me. 

So here's some tips I have for anyone going through a major surgery. Just things I've learned and am coping with:

1. Be tremendously gentle with yourself. Seriously! Treat yourself like an infant. Use soft wash cloths, soft blankets, soft hats... the key here is soft and gentle.
2. Let people help you. Anyone and everyone who wants to help you, visit you, be there for you, go with it.
3. If you're tired, then rest.
4. If you have some energy, then get some fresh air and explore. Have fun! Go slow and take it easy, but no need to just stay home like a zombie full of head staples if you aren't in the mood.
5. Listen to your body. If something is wrong, let people know. My medication wasn't helping for a long time at the hospital and it took a while to get it right. I also had to remind some people about it being medication time. These things are important and I didn't feel bad being "Demanding" or "Needy." You're important.
6. Bubble bath, epsom salts, coconut oil, Polysporen, baby shampoo and other soothing bathing items are your best friend. Use them a lot. So are disposable plastic shower caps. Perfect for the scalp treatments I've been doing.
7. Don't care about your hair. It grows. It's not a big deal. Your scalp health is the most important.
8. Go crazy with hats and wigs if you want. Have fun with it. 
9. Don't care about what you eat. Just care about if and when you poop. If you want chocolate ice cream, then have some!
10. Let everyone in your life love you as much as they can.