SLOW THE F*%& DOWN!

My mom says a lot of very true, on-point things. One of the things she is always telling me (has always told me) is to SLOW DOWN! I rush through everything. Even getting out of the car. She laughed the other day and said I'm just like the dogs (or are they just like me?) Always ready to jump out of the car before the brake is even on.

In my efforts to go slow I made a few changes.

I love the smell and warm glow of candles.

One has been reading at night rather than being on my phone. I'm not 100% perfect, but it has been really wonderful. I'm enjoying large print saucy reads and sleeping much better because of it. 

Total smut. But oh so fun!

Another change I made is switching from my Nespresso pods every morning to slow drip coffee. I read online someone doing this in an effort to have a slower morning. I thought it made good financial sense as well.

I bought this little 5 cup machine on eBay.

The other thing I've been doing for a while now is turning on the live feed from one of my favorite places in the world... Monterey Bay. I bet you thought I was going to say Hawaii? Well, that's number 2. But to see the otters and seals in real time. That stormy sea so alive. The people-less beaches. Well, it's a magical way to start the day. I pretend it's my window as I watch.

After my slow coffee by the bay I walk the dogs (if I have the energy.) And that's my easy morning. I know what a luxury it is to be able to indulge like this. I remember hitting the ground running when I worked full time. Then "luxury" time was my commute when I sang out loud in my car or listened to the news. Yeah... this is better.

Max, Margo and Mom. Living our best lives.

2025 Things That Help Me

Anything in the water is wonderful!

I've lived with chronic illness and disability now for a while. Through the years I've tried many tools to help me with my fatigue and muscle weakness. Many modifications as well. Here are some things I have learned that have been helpful to me.

1. Give in to sleep. I used to fight my afternoon fatigue like my life depended on it. I felt I was "weak" for giving in and resting. No more. Unless it's very important (I'm on a special vacation that I really don't want to miss a moment of), I rest every day. For as long as I need. Typically between 2-3 hours in the afternoon. I always feel better for it.

2. Use a stick. Even if I think I don't need it. I'm very prone to tripping and my stick has saved my ass more than once. 

3. Don't miss a dose. If I miss a dose of my medications I'm in hell. It's a very big deal with incredibly painful consequences. Now I let everyone I'm with know that and I set alarms. I never assume I'll just remember. Especially if my routine has changed and I'm out for the day.

4. I don't sweat "accomplishments." I used to feel huge pressure to "accomplish" as much as possible. To contribute something back to everyone and society. I let that shit go. Now I just do what I can.

5. Don't do standing what you can do sitting. Great advice. I try to remember this one as much as possible. Adding a stool to my bathroom was a game changer. I have low outlets there and a makeup mirror. Now I do all my bathroom grooming sitting down. A huge spoon saver.

6. Don't do it alone. I never go to any appointment alone if I can help it. I will always miss things that were said and the doctor's notes aren't always accurate either. But having my husband or my mom with me can not only help me remember what was said, but they can help advocate for me too if needed. Or help me remember things I was going to ask about (if I didn't write it down ahead of time.)

7. Keep good records. Keeping a list of all my doctors, their contact information and a list of my medication has been useful more than once. If I have questions going into an appointment I also try and send them ahead of time and bring it written down with me. I hang on to "after visit summary" sheets if it was an important appointment, if they gave me a referral or if it have medication changes on it that I need to remember.

8. Say "No." I'm still working on this one. I've gotten better about turning down things when I'm too tired, but I still can feel like a "flake" if it's too last minute. That also goes for modifying what I'm doing as I'm doing it. Leaving early, cutting outings short, etc...

9. Keeping things easy in the kitchen. Buying things pre-chopped (or getting my husband to do that part for me), having a food routine and having groceries delivered have all been helpful "tweaks" to how I used to do things in the kitchen. Also, using a stool when I cook is very helpful. Again... see #5.

10. Not putting pressure on myself. Period. This goes for sex, grooming, accomplishments, sleep, parenting... I tend to be an organized perfectionist, but that doesn't mesh well with the life of a chronic illness spoonie. My illness takes precedent and everything else comes second. It is the biggest part of me and demands to be accommodated. I try to keep that in mind of give myself grace.

What I Would Tell Myself

I've been on this journey for a while.

Being disabled.

Being chronically ill.

How far back do I go?

Where to begin "counting."

2 Years since migraine treatment began.

4 Years since brain surgery (2018).

4 Years since my first wheelchair.

5 Years since my first myopathy symptom (2017).

7 years since Tuberculosis (2015).

I think seven years is the start. 

It was that diagnosis and the treatment that followed. Nine months of intense antibiotics to try and rid me of TB symptoms. That was the catalyst. If I could send a letter to myself seven years ago. When the vertigo started and I couldn't drive. When my legs gave out on me and I crashed into a bookcase. When I cried hysterically in the hospital parking lot, terrified of what was happening to my body. What help would I offer myself?

I would tell myself...

"You're going to be ok. You're doing everything right. You will find fantastic doctors who will help you make sense of all of this. Go slow. Rest as much as you can. You will discover a 'new normal' with each stage you go through. You are incredibly resilient and so are those around you. Reach out for help when you need it. You're doing great by using mobility tools. None of this could have been predicted. You'll be surprised by how strong you are. Many people will help you through this."

What a journey it has been.
And I know there's more to come.
The only thing constant is change. -Heraclitus

2015

Where it all began

TB diagnosis

2015
Working out as much as I can

2015

9 Months of TB drugs

2015
TB treatment is at an end

2016 

Back for my last year of grad school

2017

Back to work

2017

Fatigue is starting to kick in

2017

Neuropathy starts

2017

Graduation from Masters Program

2017

Muscles feel weak and "funny" on vacation

2018
Wrongly diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis

Feeling weak and tired

Working full time

2018
Ask for disabled parking due to weakness
I start using a walking stick

2018
I start using electric shopping carts

2018

I start using a rollator

because I need to sit periodically when out

2018

I keep feeling worse

I'm missing work

It's all very scary

Finally diagnosed with Mitochondrial Myopathy

2018
We buy our first wheelchair

a small transport chair

2018
I'm diagnosed with a brain tumor

2018
Going under for a craniotomy

2018

YAY! I didn't die and the tumor was benign

2018

My first big wheelchair

2018

We buy a travel electric wheelchair

2018

My first outing in an electric wheelchair

2019

Business trip to Hawaii

I'm still working full time

2019

Leg biopsy for myopathy

2019

I go down to part time work

2019

I stop working

I also start needing mandatory rest periods during the day

2019

My mom changes her plans and moves around the corner

2019

I'm finding my way

2020

We buy our wheelchair van

More testing happens, mostly to find my baseline

2020

Covid hits just as my medical team is coming together

2020

Swimming saves the day

2020

I developed migraines from my brain surgery

Botox is a lifesaver

2020

All the major fires are horrible for air quality

2020

I have my medications and supplements pretty dialed in

2020

My team checks on me frequently

2021

I have lots of love and family support

2021

My muscles continue their decline

I'm fit for a neck brace for extra support

2022

I start Amantadine and it helps a lot

2022

I go through Physical Therapy

for my neck pain and stiffness

2022

I go off Amantadine, relapse and find a new hobby

Pottery

2022

The pool is still a helpful escape

2022

I decide to keep my hair super short

due to decreasing arm strength

2022

I get assessed for a new wheelchair

PINK this time

2022

My migraines are stable with Botox

and Amivog injections

2022 - Today

I rest between 2-3 hours a day

Typically from 2-5pm

I spend a lot of time with Max

I'm with my Mom about 3 days a week. She makes me lunch.

My man has stepped in and stepped up. He does a ton around the house.

I no longer drive or can work for money.

I use my chair anytime I'm outside our home.

We're currently modifying our house to make it more wheelchair friendly.