SLOW THE F*%& DOWN!

My mom says a lot of very true, on-point things. One of the things she is always telling me (has always told me) is to SLOW DOWN! I rush through everything. Even getting out of the car. She laughed the other day and said I'm just like the dogs (or are they just like me?) Always ready to jump out of the car before the brake is even on.

In my efforts to go slow I made a few changes.

I love the smell and warm glow of candles.

One has been reading at night rather than being on my phone. I'm not 100% perfect, but it has been really wonderful. I'm enjoying large print saucy reads and sleeping much better because of it. 

Total smut. But oh so fun!

Another change I made is switching from my Nespresso pods every morning to slow drip coffee. I read online someone doing this in an effort to have a slower morning. I thought it made good financial sense as well.

I bought this little 5 cup machine on eBay.

The other thing I've been doing for a while now is turning on the live feed from one of my favorite places in the world... Monterey Bay. I bet you thought I was going to say Hawaii? Well, that's number 2. But to see the otters and seals in real time. That stormy sea so alive. The people-less beaches. Well, it's a magical way to start the day. I pretend it's my window as I watch.

After my slow coffee by the bay I walk the dogs (if I have the energy.) And that's my easy morning. I know what a luxury it is to be able to indulge like this. I remember hitting the ground running when I worked full time. Then "luxury" time was my commute when I sang out loud in my car or listened to the news. Yeah... this is better.

Max, Margo and Mom. Living our best lives.

Hey Me! You're Disabled Dummy!

Holy hell. I had a big "aha" moment the other day. 

I needed to complete a certain number of hours of training when I renewed my license. A very large number of hours. I've been procrastinating completing them. This past week I finally got down to work. It took me about three hours, but I finished one course successfully. 

Then I spent the rest of the day exhausted and seeing double from so much reading for so long.

Completing just a very small section of what was being asked of me left me feeling physically ill. Why was I putting myself through this? 

No... seriously... why? The more I thought about doing this 10 more times the more nauseous I became. Was I even this person anymore? Didn't I leave all this behind because I'm disabled and can't do it any longer?

Yes. Yes I did. And no, silly. I don't have to do it 10 more times. I don't have to do it ever again if that's what I chose. Because why put my brain and body through that? I can help people in many other ways.

I feel like I've been in limbo ever since I left work. At first I was too ill to do hardly anything. But the last (almost) two years I've been torn between art and therapy and not really doing either that well.

I've always been an artist. I am an artist. I adore making ceramic pieces, drawing and painting. It's time I drop all the studying, quizzes and shit that makes me ill and get back to creating things. Like many disabled women artists that came before me.

Frida Kahlo

Yayoi Kasama

Lisa Bufano

Emily Barker

Judith Scott

And many many more. I'm honored to join their ranks

Me taking a much needed chill pill

Am I Ready?

I keep having dreams where I'm in an elevator and it's not going where I want it to go. I take it to mean that I don't feel in control of my life right now. 

I thrive on change. That's one of the things that drew me to therapy. As my mentor and supervisor once told me "Even the worst session only lasts an hour." Each hour a new person would come in with new issues and it was a huge change, and a challenge. A fresh chance every hour to help someone change their lives.

I don't miss that level of intense work, but I do miss that feeling of helping people in that way. I feel ready to start pursuing my CEU's to turn my license back to "active." 

I feel able to take on maybe a weekly support group. Especially this summer when the weather is ok. Storms trigger my migraine pain like crazy.

But also...
I'm loving ceramics. Spending time doing art is intensely therapeutic for me. So I will absolutely keep time for art. I have no intention on working full time at a 9-5 job ever again. I just can't do it. My body is much too unpredictable.

I also get a lot of pleasure out of being available to my dogs, husband, son and mom. If anyone needs me for anything I can help.

 

I Made It to 50!

I've been 50 years old for less than a month now. I have some thoughts about it to share. Firstly I feel incredibly lucky to have made it to 50. I will never understand people who get depressed about aging. Quite the contrary. I feel incredibly fortunate and grateful to have lived as long as I have. 50 Feels like a big gift.

Also... Much of my life keeps getting better the older I am.

My 20's were entirely devoted to being the best mother I could be. My 30's were about my marriage and working on our relationship. Communication and lots of therapy. My 40's were completely about being in school to build my dream career. Then illness struck.

What will my 50's hold?

I have no idea. But I'm excited to see.

Important Anniversary

Today marks one full year since I left my job. No... left my career. A career I loved and worked hard to achieve for 10 years. 

When I left I thought it would just be for three months. I thought I could "recover" enough to come back "stronger than ever." Our ableist culture told me this was something I could "fight and win!" I mean... it's not like I had Cancer. Right?

No... not Cancer. What I did have was a serious muscle disease that robs my body of processing energy correctly. What I also had/have is crippling migraines that left me unable to work. They cause pain, blur my vision, make time jump, can make people look like flat 2-D cartoons, give me severe dizziness, make me feel like I'm falling (you know that jump scare feeling when you're almost asleep? It's like that). They cause exhaustion (on top of my energy issues that I already have), make my muscles even worse and cause short term memory problems (on top of the memory problems I already have from my mitochondrial myopathy). Try working with that going on. Even for an hour.

The Botox shots have been hugely helpful. My migraines aren't the kind that come and go. There's bad and worse. So to get any kind of symptom relief is an enormous improvement to my quality of life. But I digress... this was why I had to leave work.

What leaving work did to me? I'm honestly still processing that loss. 2020 has been so shocking and I had so much change so quickly to my entire life that only now is the dust settling in my slow moving (but still brilliant) brain.

I feel the loss of my identity as a therapist profoundly. BUT (there's always a but/and in life if you look closely). But I am also building up new identities as I talked about a little bit before. I am still thriving. I can do both. Re-invent myself and mourn a profound loss all at the same time.

I'm learning the language of my body. What different symptoms mean and how to minimize the big ones (when possible). I'm learning to love myself and all my flaws, not to be "at war" with my disease. My disability is a big identity and it's not one that's healthy to "fight." 

I am the orchestrater of our home. The organizer. The planner. The artist and creative. A daughter, wife and mother. A puppy lover and gardener. I take pleasure in watching the people and things I love grow and flourish. I'm a disability advocate and a friend to some. 

These identities are why today doesn't feel like a loss. Today feels like a day to remember and recognize when my world changed, but I am still myself. Still passionate, wise and full of love and life to contribute to my community... It will just be in a different way than I originally thought and planned.