Confidence

My self confidence has always been sky high. Mountain high. Olympus high. Not in a bratty way, but I have a history of feeling good and getting what I want. Or making what I want happen. All of that went out the window when I became disabled.

I thought I knew what my life would be like. Or at least a big part of it. Then it all changed. I felt and still feel the impact of that. A lack of control. In a good way it shows up as mindfulness and a lack of attachment that the Buddhists talk about. In a bad way it shows up as my confidence being shaken.

Not feeling sexy.

Sometimes this can look like not feeling sexy enough for my partner or myself. Because of my intense pain I have limitations. This can make me feel guilty, upset, depressed or angry. Lately I was looking at pictures of myself and seeing an "old sick woman." This isn't the first time it's happened either. I talked about it openly here. And here. And here. I definitely I have a "thing" with my hair.

My mom reminded me today that my hair has always been an outlet of creativity and self expression that I've been messing around with since I was 13. Always different colors, lengths, styles. It's just something that I do and have done. It's healthy for me.

So here I am once again coloring my hair. What am I hoping for? That I will feel more like "my old self." My "healthy" self. Even if it (obviously) won't cure me. I'm hoping I might feel a bit prettier and sexier. There are many things I can't change, do or help with my body. But there are things I can.

• What I wear
• How I'm intimate
• Hair or no hair
• Hair color
• My sexuality
• Mobility devices (Yes! I consider them an extension of my body) 

Although it may just look like hair color to an outsider, to me it's much more than that. It's body autonomy. It's my "look." It's me.

Weapon of choice. Very close to my natural color.

I also think it's time to start wearing bras regularly again. Hah!

I Made It to 50!

I've been 50 years old for less than a month now. I have some thoughts about it to share. Firstly I feel incredibly lucky to have made it to 50. I will never understand people who get depressed about aging. Quite the contrary. I feel incredibly fortunate and grateful to have lived as long as I have. 50 Feels like a big gift.

Also... Much of my life keeps getting better the older I am.

My 20's were entirely devoted to being the best mother I could be. My 30's were about my marriage and working on our relationship. Communication and lots of therapy. My 40's were completely about being in school to build my dream career. Then illness struck.

What will my 50's hold?

I have no idea. But I'm excited to see.

Reflecting on 2022

This year felt much less dramatic than last. That's not a bad thing. I feel more settled. In my body and in my life. Routines came easy. I was very much "in the moment" the majority of the time. 

• I saw a lot of fantastic, beautiful animals at two zoos. Even made friends with a snow leopard!
• Spent a lot of time with family.
• Swam my little mermaid brains out.
  
  
  
• Completed physical therapy and learned skills to help with pain.
• Got to touch the ocean (more than once.)
  
  
  
• Saw some beautiful artwork at a museum.
• Learned how to make my own art with clay.
• Spent hundreds of hours with my amazing little dog who makes me laugh every day.
• Cooked, baked, grew flowers and food for my family.
• Hugged my Papa in person.
• Got a new wheelchair.
• Colored my hair PINK!
  
  
  
• Entered a short story and poetry contest.
• Saw stunning images of outer space.
• Learned lots of new things.

I just had my first two appointments at the pain clinic. I'm hoping to learn some new tools and get some support for my chronic pain. 

In 2023 I'm hoping...

To meet some more people struggling with similar symptoms to me. I feel like that's an important part of what's missing in my life right now.

I'm also still working on being gentle with myself. Not having crazy expectations. Doing what I'm able to do and not kicking myself for what I can't do.

Lastly I want to get back to a more gentle way of eating that reflects my ethics. I'm going to reduce my dairy. I also want to give up eating mammals. That still leaves me plenty of protein between seafood and chicken. I just don't feel good about eating animals given how much I love them. But I still require more protein than a simple vegetarian diet can offer.

Here's to a beautiful, hopeful 2023.