Confidence

My self confidence has always been sky high. Mountain high. Olympus high. Not in a bratty way, but I have a history of feeling good and getting what I want. Or making what I want happen. All of that went out the window when I became disabled.

I thought I knew what my life would be like. Or at least a big part of it. Then it all changed. I felt and still feel the impact of that. A lack of control. In a good way it shows up as mindfulness and a lack of attachment that the Buddhists talk about. In a bad way it shows up as my confidence being shaken.

Not feeling sexy.

Sometimes this can look like not feeling sexy enough for my partner or myself. Because of my intense pain I have limitations. This can make me feel guilty, upset, depressed or angry. Lately I was looking at pictures of myself and seeing an "old sick woman." This isn't the first time it's happened either. I talked about it openly here. And here. And here. I definitely I have a "thing" with my hair.

My mom reminded me today that my hair has always been an outlet of creativity and self expression that I've been messing around with since I was 13. Always different colors, lengths, styles. It's just something that I do and have done. It's healthy for me.

So here I am once again coloring my hair. What am I hoping for? That I will feel more like "my old self." My "healthy" self. Even if it (obviously) won't cure me. I'm hoping I might feel a bit prettier and sexier. There are many things I can't change, do or help with my body. But there are things I can.

• What I wear
• How I'm intimate
• Hair or no hair
• Hair color
• My sexuality
• Mobility devices (Yes! I consider them an extension of my body) 

Although it may just look like hair color to an outsider, to me it's much more than that. It's body autonomy. It's my "look." It's me.

Weapon of choice. Very close to my natural color.

I also think it's time to start wearing bras regularly again. Hah!

Finding My Way

 

At 48 years old I feel like I'm finally finding my way. The way to really care for myself. With the same deep passion that I care for my family that I love so much.

CARE is such a lovely word. I sign off all my correspondence with "Take Care." I say that because it's important to me that everyone takes care of themselves. It is true what they say that you can't take care of anyone else if you don't take care of yourself first. Although I believe that you CAN take care of others, it's just not as healthy for you or the people you love. Putting yourself first is actually an act of love for others. This is something I'm just coming to realize.

Showing I care about myself through food choices.

I have always been a giver to others. Not materialistically, but emotionally and with my time and energy. As I aged I learned that it's important to say "no" to some people and some obligations. I thought that was all I needed to be mentally and physically healthy. Well, that and a Starbucks with a pedicure once in a while.

The older I get (and wiser I hope) the more I realize there's much much more to caring for yourself than sweet coffee and paying people to rub your feet. There's...

• Thoughts about myself, my body and my actions.
• Self talk. Am I being kind to myself?
• What I am choosing to put in and on my body.
• Am I committing self harm with my eating and lifestyle choices?
• How I spend my time.
• Am I connecting with people who make me more?
• My goals and dreams for myself.

Each of these can be a gateway to either self care or self harm. In the past, I don't think I was always choosing the CARE way. 

Some things I am committed to working on and changing are...

• Going down to a healthier weight for my body.
• Moving my body more through stretching, swimming and using my stationary bike pedals.
• Eating "good for me" foods that I would have skipped over in the past for tastier options.
• Ditching the chemicals on my body (hair dye, makeup, deodorant.)
• Setting new goals for myself.
• Exploring my new identity as a disabled person unable to work.
• Playing with my creative side.
• Relishing time in nature.

Caring for myself more may mean caring about other things less. Things like youth culture, other people's opinion, things I cannot control, other people's choices... Because caring to me is also really all about choices. Picking and choosing what I do, what I say, who I spend time with, how I feed myself. It's all one small choice at a time. 

How I imaging me and my friends in 20 more years.

Life is very short and I want to make sure I enjoy my ride as much as I can. That means being in the best health possible, as strong as possible (both mentally and physically) and not wasting time on things that don't matter. It's up to me what kind of life I create for myself. And I find it worth the work.