Confidence

My self confidence has always been sky high. Mountain high. Olympus high. Not in a bratty way, but I have a history of feeling good and getting what I want. Or making what I want happen. All of that went out the window when I became disabled.

I thought I knew what my life would be like. Or at least a big part of it. Then it all changed. I felt and still feel the impact of that. A lack of control. In a good way it shows up as mindfulness and a lack of attachment that the Buddhists talk about. In a bad way it shows up as my confidence being shaken.

Not feeling sexy.

Sometimes this can look like not feeling sexy enough for my partner or myself. Because of my intense pain I have limitations. This can make me feel guilty, upset, depressed or angry. Lately I was looking at pictures of myself and seeing an "old sick woman." This isn't the first time it's happened either. I talked about it openly here. And here. And here. I definitely I have a "thing" with my hair.

My mom reminded me today that my hair has always been an outlet of creativity and self expression that I've been messing around with since I was 13. Always different colors, lengths, styles. It's just something that I do and have done. It's healthy for me.

So here I am once again coloring my hair. What am I hoping for? That I will feel more like "my old self." My "healthy" self. Even if it (obviously) won't cure me. I'm hoping I might feel a bit prettier and sexier. There are many things I can't change, do or help with my body. But there are things I can.

• What I wear
• How I'm intimate
• Hair or no hair
• Hair color
• My sexuality
• Mobility devices (Yes! I consider them an extension of my body) 

Although it may just look like hair color to an outsider, to me it's much more than that. It's body autonomy. It's my "look." It's me.

Weapon of choice. Very close to my natural color.

I also think it's time to start wearing bras regularly again. Hah!