Who Do You Want to Be?

I freshened up my hair color the other day and went a tad darker. Darkest brown. This used to be "my" hair color about 10 or so years ago. When I got out of the shower and looked in the mirror I exclaimed "There you are!" I was so surprised to see the "me" of so many photographs staring back like no time at all had gone by. But if I couldn't be "me," who would I want to be?

My favorite band Oingo Boingo has a song "Who do you want to be today." It goes "Who do you want to be today, who do you want to be? Do you wanna be just like someone on TV?" Actually yes! I do. The person I would love to be is Angel Strawbridge.

I'm addicted to the show Escape to the Chateau. It's about a handy, wealthy English couple who bought a delipidated French chateau. They live there with their two kids while they renovate and rejuvenate the entire place, eventually starting their own wedding and hospitality business in the same said chateau. 

Why Angel? First of all she's built a lot like me, but glows in vintage fabness. It doesn't matter if she's mucking around in the garden or sewing personalized napkins for a wedding, she reeks vintage flair. But it's not just how she looks. She's so incredibly crafty. And fearless in her crafting, like I am. She has an idea and she just runs with it. I'm convinced we'd be fast friends.

She and I have a lot in common. We love coffee, tea and booze (though I rarely indulge). Adore vintage things (though she a bit more than I). We can both do anything we put our minds to, creatively speaking. We love our families. We're good mothers. We love our children. We like to make other people happy. We are creative Goddesses! So if I couldn't be me, I'd like to be her. Crafting away in my attic in France.

I also envy her able-bodiedness. She has the same creativity as I do, but she also has the energy, time, money and muscle to see it through. -sigh- How lovely that would be.

Confidence

My self confidence has always been sky high. Mountain high. Olympus high. Not in a bratty way, but I have a history of feeling good and getting what I want. Or making what I want happen. All of that went out the window when I became disabled.

I thought I knew what my life would be like. Or at least a big part of it. Then it all changed. I felt and still feel the impact of that. A lack of control. In a good way it shows up as mindfulness and a lack of attachment that the Buddhists talk about. In a bad way it shows up as my confidence being shaken.

Not feeling sexy.

Sometimes this can look like not feeling sexy enough for my partner or myself. Because of my intense pain I have limitations. This can make me feel guilty, upset, depressed or angry. Lately I was looking at pictures of myself and seeing an "old sick woman." This isn't the first time it's happened either. I talked about it openly here. And here. And here. I definitely I have a "thing" with my hair.

My mom reminded me today that my hair has always been an outlet of creativity and self expression that I've been messing around with since I was 13. Always different colors, lengths, styles. It's just something that I do and have done. It's healthy for me.

So here I am once again coloring my hair. What am I hoping for? That I will feel more like "my old self." My "healthy" self. Even if it (obviously) won't cure me. I'm hoping I might feel a bit prettier and sexier. There are many things I can't change, do or help with my body. But there are things I can.

• What I wear
• How I'm intimate
• Hair or no hair
• Hair color
• My sexuality
• Mobility devices (Yes! I consider them an extension of my body) 

Although it may just look like hair color to an outsider, to me it's much more than that. It's body autonomy. It's my "look." It's me.

Weapon of choice. Very close to my natural color.

I also think it's time to start wearing bras regularly again. Hah!

Hair One Day, Gone the Next

I have always been a chameleon with my hair. Ever since I first bought my bottle of Sun In and bleached it to a bright orange as a young tween. I treated my hair like another accessory. Like Jewelry. I had fun mixing it up. Short, not so short. Red, black, natural. Bob, pixie... 

But don't take my word for it. Here's some head shots from the last four years.

Box dye brown

No dye bed head

Shaved off post brain surgery head
(I did it myself)

Sweet henna head

Wonder Woman black, longer (for me) hair

Irish red hair

Up, down, head scarf, hair clips. I loved to play around with my hair. 

I haven't colored my hair in over a year now. I miss it sometimes. Just the fun of changing things up if I want. But I don't miss the mess, cost or smell. I also don't think I could do it now.

The way my muscle disease works for me, reaching over my head while sitting or standing is the hardest thing I can do. So shampooing, blow drying, all of those motions cause me a lot of pain. My arms fatigue very fast.

I wanted to grow my hair out again, but the styling involved with long hair has just become impossible for me. I can shampoo and do a quick blow dry, but that's it. Forget all the products and cute styling. Flat irons, curling irons, hair clips, bobby pins. It's all out for me. 

Instead of all those distractions I'm trying to embrace what's important in life. To stay focused on the things that really matter. My hair does not matter. As my husband says, "You're beautiful and sexy no matter what!" Having it short and natural saves me loads of energy, which is the most important thing.

What's New Pussycat? (Oh whoa whooooa whoa...)

There are many new things going on with me creatively, medically and in my home. One of the bigger things is I finally have my BiPap machine. 

At first I was given a CPAP which has continuous air flow. It didn't work for me at all. It was like drinking from a fire hose. It took me about 6 months to get a BiPap instead and I hope it was worth all the work. (A BiPap has less pressure going out and more going in.)

I'm able to tolerate it all night, but learning to keep my mouth shut is still a huge challenge for me. Yup. I'm a big time mouth breather. I have noticed that my lungs feel much better in the morning when I use my machine then when I don't. I can breathe much easier and don't feel as asthmatic. I did read that a BiPap is supposed to be helpful for asthma. 

A non-medical thing I'm doing that's new is watercolor painting.

I've always loved oil painting. But it's very hard to do in your home. It also requires a lot of chemicals, so I stopped doing it when I didn't have a student studio anymore. Acrylic painting is fun, but not the same as oils. But with watercolors there's far less setup and cleanup. It's much easier on my muscles too. It's challenging and new, so I've been having fun with it. 

My garden is really going all out now. We have this beautiful orange-ish sunflower out front that's just perfect.

I love spending time out there when I can.

We're doing a major remodel of our front area right now too. We're excited to have it all finished so we can enjoy it. We're getting new fencing, a new driveway and a new bigger front patio with a water fountain! It's actually more like a small waterfall. I'm so excited to see it done. 

I've been finding the contractors and coordinating as much of it (including the design) as I can. Then my husband jumps in and takes care of the financing end. We're a great team and so far things are moving along. It's a challenge to deal with contractors, let alone 4 of them, but I can do it.

So that has been taking a ton of my time.

And then there's my weight. I hit an all time high about a month ago and am working on reigning in my eating. But it's very hard.

I honestly feel like I don't eat a ton, but then I have to remember that I also don't get very much exercise. The pool is about it. And although it's good for me, it doesn't help me lose much weight. In fact it makes me hungry!!!

So that's an ongoing struggle and something that's on my mind a lot.

I'm also always researching migraines and trying to find something that will help me more than the tools I already have. 

Although I already have pink tinted glasses, I thought maybe they aren't tinted enough? I got the darkest pink that I could at the time. I love that you can just try out a theory by finding a new pair online. I ordered these last night with a darker red lens to try out. Many of these companies take returns too, so if I hate it I can get them re-done in a dark pink similar to what I have now. 

And of course you might have also noticed that I colored my hair red. Actually my mother helped me to color my hair red. As in I told her how to do it and she paid for the supplies and did it for me. What a mom. 

To go from blue/black to flaming copper red is no easy task, even for a fully trained hair dresser. But 30+ years of coloring my own hair taught me a lot! And the few times I did go to the salon for a color I paid close attention. 

It took her a full day, but she managed to get as close to what I wanted as was possible. I've been having fun being a redhead for a change. 

I'm trying to make time for friends in all of this, but my health has been really awful lately. I've needed a lot more rest and down time than usual (which was already a lot). Just making time for family and the house project is about all I'm good for right now. I'm counting the days till my next Botox shots for migraine (still a month away). I'm putting myself and my needs first, which is still hard for me to do.

Hair battle

I have always had a battle with my hair. Even before I had any kind of illness. It has been every color of the rainbow (at least once.) Mostly I keep it pretty short or in a bob. It's very fine, straight and thin. I feel this limits me to what kind of style I can have. And don't even get me started on how many curly home perms I've had in my life.

When I turned 40 I was curious what color my hair actually was and I stopped coloring it... for a while that is. Then I would go back to dark brown or black, then grow it out again, then repeat this step over and over.

Then I had the brain tumor and no more color for me. Or so I thought. About a year later I tried organic henna and liked it. I've always been partial to red hair. So that was it! I was going to henna my hair every month or so and grow it out.

Orrrrr am I?

Honestly I kindove miss my natural hair color. And having a short pixie. It's so easy to care for (which is a really big deal to me right now) and I like the look. When I see a mature woman with a short pixie I think it's cute.

Here's what I'm sure of. I will never "box" or salon dye my hair ever again. I won't subject myself to chemicals. I like to play with my hair. It's a fun accessory that makes me happy. But I can't swear off changing it often or going back and forth on the henna or my natural color.

Post hair chop today

Post Brain Tumor Henna

I used to color my hair at home all of the time. Black, red, blonde, chestnut, burgundy and every color in between. But I have never tried henna. The reason for this is you can't use henna on hair that has been chemically processed, and my hair has ALWAYS been chemically processed. That is till I had my brain tumor. I've been natural ever since.

Recently we went to a party and I saw all the women with their fun hair colors. Even women older than me with pink, red, two tone fun hair. I looked at my pictures and thought "I WANT FUN HAIR TOO!" Now my natural color may be nice, but no one would ever say that it's fun. I'm a fun woman and I want fun hair.

I was also going through some old pictures and I saw a few with my hair red. I always loved the magic and myth around a flaming head of hair and Maureen O'Hara is one of my heroes. I thought coloring my hair again was out for me because I want to keep away from chemicals. But then I remembered henna. 

People have been using henna to color their hair for thousands of years. It's a safe, all natural, chemical free process. The one I picked is even organic!

The directions said for an even brighter red to steep some hibiscus tea (which I just happened to have on hand!) and use a little bit of lemon juice or vinegar. I used 2oz white vinegar and 12oz tea mixed together and steeped overnight.

Ok... it looks EXACTLY like poop. Luckily it doesn't smell bad. 

First I painted Vaseline all over the parts of my skin that I didn't want stained. Then I liberally applied the henna mixture all over my hair starting at the crown. Next I wrapped it in plastic wrap (about 3 layers.) Then I topped that off with a warm towel. I did henna my brows too. Very carefully with a fine paint brush and lots of Vaseline around them. I then blasted them with a hair dryer for a few minutes as henna likes heat to activate. 

Four and a half hours and three pairs of gloves later...

I really love the results! Unlike chemical dye it also didn't burn or hurt my scalp. Next time I will use even more Vaseline as I still got some staining, but it wasn't as bad as I'd feared. The color keeps curing for the next two days and will darken a little bit. 

The process was also a fun History/Science/Cultural Anthropology experiment for me. I could picture a community of women taking the day off and all doing henna for each other. I'm sure they would have group grooming days like that. I also thought of the Egyptians who were documented to use henna liberally. It's amazing that it could do as good a job as chemicals without all that damage and toxicity. 

I think it looks really natural. I will definitely do it again.

And here's a gratuitous puppy picture just because.

Looking "Sick" and "Tired"

Friday evening my husband and I had a spontaneous walk through a beautiful rose garden. It was the same day I found out I would need to be job hunting again and my spirits were a little low. There is nothing like the touch, smell and sight of nature to heal your soul. I always feel so revived after a little time in nature.

But there was something that struck me:

Before - Friday night

I'm sure my husband would disagree, but in reviewing our pictures that we took I had one thought running through my mind. "Who is that sick, tired looking woman!?" Even in the best picture that he took I thought "That's accurate and looks just like me, but I don't like looking like that."

So part of that is out of my control of course. But fortunately since I'm a woman and my culture supports (nay, ENCOURAGES) me to change my appearance whenever I wish I have many tools at my disposal. The most obvious choice was to dye my hair.

Weapon of choice

I go back and forth (and back and forth) on coloring my hair or not. I'm lucky to be in a field where not only do I not have pressure to look a certain way, but looking older actually adds wisdom and credibility to the things I say. I also hate beauty routines for the sake of just doing them. Conformity. Feeling like I "HAVE" to do something to myself on a regular basis. Coloring you hair can easily become something you feel like you HAVE to do and I hate that. 

I also admire women who don't color their hair. I consider it to be a very feminist act of rebellion in our "youth obsessed" culture where women aren't allowed to age or look their age.

BUT... on the other hand... I also felt like my body wasn't really my friend right now. That I was showing outward signs of a losing battle. I felt I looked much older than what I really am and that frankly I looked "sick." As I said, I need to be job hunting and I really want to look and feel my best! I want to feel pretty and confident and not look like I just really want to crawl back into bed (even if I feel that way.)

So yes. I decided to color my hair.

After

I went with a color as close to my natural color as I could get. I like the look of dark hair, light skin and blue eyes. I also didn't want anything TOO dark as that's pretty high maintenance. I'm a DIY kind of girl. I HATE spending money at a salon and having people talk at you for hours only to pay 100x as much as you would if you just did it yourself. 

And yes, I am aware of the hypocrisy that I'm trying to cut out chemicals, but then I go and dye my hair. What can I tell you. I'm an impulsive enigma. You know what though? I do feel better! I was very happy with how it came out. It was just what I hoped for. I feel prettier and subsequently healthier. My hair also looks thicker and like I have more of it. That's a big deal for someone with Hypothyroidism. 

I'm glad I acted impulsively. I'm glad I listened to what I wanted in the moment, even if it seemed counter-productive to my health (dousing myself in chemicals.) I hope it will give me a confidence boost to land my next job.

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Are you wondering why I never show my face? The governing body that regulates my profession dictates that if I share anything personal about myself. Even on a personal blog. Be it my full face or name. Then I have to provide a ton of other information that I really don't want to be made public. I also don't want one of my clients accidentally stumbling on my blog. It's a personal place to share and vent and I hope it is helpful to others. If I were you, I'd be wondering why, so I thought I'd share my reasons.