Self Love

What would you do if you knew today was your last day here alive on earth? Who would you talk to? How would you spend your time?

As someone who has always been unafraid of death, these are questions that go through my head often. "Is this the last time I'll ever see this person again? The last chance to hug them?" 

Everyone in my life whom I love knows just how much I love them. I'm very vocal about it. I hug tightly and let them know in as many ways as I can just how important they are to me.

Am I that important to myself?
I'm working on it.

Self-love is an evolving work in progress for me. As I kid I remember hitting myself, choking myself, biting myself. As a Psychologist I now know these are all common trauma reactions, especially in girls who have experienced SA. So is self hatred. Especially hatred of their bodies.

It has taken me a very long time to turn all of that around. To nurture that young girl and ease her trauma. Now I find self love talk to come easily. I am gentle with myself. However doing what's in my best self interest is still a struggle. 

• How I spend my time.
• Staying on a budget or planning financially for the future.
• Making the healthiest choice for my body.
• Putting my needs first (even before my dogs.)

All of these are a work in progress for me. I've come a long way (baby) but I still have a bit of self love that I want to grow into.

My new Fitbit. An act of self love to invest in my goals.

When Stressed... ORGANIZE!

I have a beautiful coping mechanism when I'm stressed out. I clear through my crap and organize what I keep. My medications have been begging for a spring cleaning since 2018. Hah. And my bedside cabinet has been many things over the years. All of these got a good cleaning inside and out, then a thorough organizing. 

The biggest change however came with my daily medications. I've been bursting out of my pillbox for months and months now and I can never seem to find one big enough for all of my needs. Enter the small glass jar.

I scoured the internet for a gross of glass jars. Spice jars, tiny jam jars, but landed on these little "honey" jars. The shape makes them very easy to hold and the lid is simple for me to screw on and off. Unlike my pill box's which were very difficult for me to open and close. I was constantly popping pills out all over myself and the floor. Not good when you have animals in the house.

This is what I was using. A typical three time a day plastic pill box. I've been using this style for about six years now. I literally wear them out like shoes. Crazy.

Now each time of day and day of the week has it's own jar. I have tons of space in case in the future new meds or supplements are added on. Horary!

I used a white paint pen I had laying around for the top. I hope it stays. Ideally I'll put some kind of a top coat on it. Either using nail polish (expensive) or a Krylon spray. I'm hesitant however since neither are food safe. So for now I'll just be careful and see how they hold up.

I feel a weird sense of relief having all of my needs organized like this now. My fan is in position for summer breezes, I have Gatorade and bottles of water by my bed for bad days, I know where my "Pain" basket is and what's in it. Everything is all put away neat and tidy. This is what my "self care" looked like today.

Zepbound Day 1

As I mentioned in a previous blog I'm trying out the new weight loss injection Zepbound. I did my first dose last night before bed. I had some minor nausea, but then I was quickly asleep. 

I was warned by the doctor to be careful with how much fat and fiber I eat. Lots of fiber, very little fat.

Unfortunately my poor stressed out husband just got his labs back and they showed his blood sugars are back in the "diabetic" zone. So now is a very good time for both of us to change our ways. 

For breakfast I made myself a protein shake. In it was...

1 cup of each:
Orange juice
Oat milk
Frozen mixed berries

1 small banana

2 scoops chocolate protein powder

1 scoop of each:
Metamucil
Raw coco powder
Ground flax

Lastly 1/2 a scoop of Collagen (It makes the shake slimy so I can't use much of it.)

It tastes like a chocolate covered strawberry to me. Not bad at all. Just a bit gritty. 

That made 2 pints. I drank one and put the other in the fridge for tomorrow.

With this I'm having "Smooth Move" organic tea for constipation. Yes, herbal tea instead of coffee. I hope all this doesn't give me the opposite problem. Hahah.

Protein shake, tea and water.

I just got a new tattoo, so a lot of protein is important. Same with reducing my calories.

It's chicken salad for dinner. Wish me luck!

My new shark tattoo

Are you a mini or a maxi?

I've been a massive maximalist most of my life. But deep down inside has always been a minimalist dying to come out.

I'm a maximalist in all ways. Spending, decorating, buying clothes for my dogs, eating, loving people. It's very easy for me to go way over the top in all areas of my life. My husband will ask me if I want something now, or later? Both is always my answer. Did I want to go on a trip for our 30th anniversary or get a nice piece of jewelry? Both of course. Would I like the appetizer or dessert? Uhhhh BOTH!

See the pattern? 

Restraint, budgeting, minimalism, living withing my means, decorating within the boarders of my walls... nope. Big no to all of that.

I'm an expert money spender!

2025 is knocking. It's the perfect time for reflection and change.

1 - I want to be much less of a consumer. Both with my wallet and my mouth.

2- I want to de-clutter my environment. Donations and Ebay selling are the best way to purge.

3- I want to be more on top of my finances. As long as I'm not working (and I don't think that's changing soon) I feel I need to be more responsible about my budget.

4- Be out in nature more. 

5- Be more active with the dogs & take them out with me more. That always takes a ton of spoons, but I feel it is very worth it.

I also want to embrace new ways to self sooth that don't involve hurting myself (by over-eating or by over-spending.)

WHEW! That's a big list. Notice how "weight loss" isn't there?

When I put pressure on myself by turning my focus on that, I fail. I'm tired of failing, so I'm not making it a goal right now. My hope is by trying to do a better job of taking care of myself and simplifying my surroundings, other things will fall into place.

Happy New Year.

I wish nothing but amazing things for us in 2025.

Terrifying Side Effect

My health feels overwhelming most of the time. 

Yesterday I had a major episode that was truly terrifying. I had my annual flu shot in the morning. I've never had an issue with it ever in the past, nor with any other vaccination. Ever. Yesterday was a first. Three hours after my shot I felt myself getting weaker. By five I was terrified. I was home alone and my muscles were so weak I could barely work my phone or speak. I though about calling my mom over, but my husband was due to be home any second. I also thought about calling 911, but I didn't want the dogs upset. (Yes... even my dogs come before me.) 

Finally my husband came home. As soon as I started talking to him I started sobbing. I mean 'snot crying' big time. I could hardly get out what happened to me between the tears and muscle weakness. Somehow he understood. I asked him to make me a Gatorade. The last in the house. It has helped in the past. He then crawled into bed with me and comforted me. It was all very helpful. I decided I would wait and see if I got any worse and if I did, then I would go to the hospital. 

Fortunately I didn't get worse. After about 90 minutes after the Gatorade I even improved a little. The tide was being pulled back. I was so scared. To suddenly lose your muscle strength like you've been hit with a blow dart. It is a very horrific thing to experience. I haven't had that happen to me for about four years now. The last time I went to the hospital by ambulance. 

I still feel weak today. When I went to the hospital what made me better was a full IV fluid bag and antihistamines. Strange. My body is such a complex creature. When she's unhappy, she lets me know it with both barrels!

I've been very busy lately. Living my life to the fullest. Family, kids, the ballet, stand up, late nights, company, booze. Not sticking 100% to my short chain fatty acid diet. Working out extra hard, pushing myself over my limit. It's time to pull back and turtle up for a bit. Let my body calm down and recover.

A little taste of my busy life

Post Script - My muscle weakness got much worse after I wrote this. My neurologist had a nurse practitioner call in and check on me. I had sent them a message last night about what happened. She urged me to go to the ER to run labs and just double check that I hadn't had a stroke. 

After 3 hours there I had every reassurance that what I thought had happened was what happened and nothing else. No infection. No stroke. Nothing else. It was very scary though and I'm for sure skipping my flu vaccination next year. This morning I'm feeling much better. 

Alone Time

The first time I shopped alone for fun since I can remember!

How important is "alone time?" I think it varies from person to person. As a creative soul I've always craved a lot of alone time. That's something I didn't get much of when I was very ill. I was always at the doctors, asleep or with someone. It doesn't count when you're asleep by the way.

Now that I'm managing my diseases I still don't have much alone time. It seems I'm always with my husband, adult son or mother. My husband only works away from home two days a week. There almost always seems to be something to do on one or both of those days. A medical appointment or gathering or some kind that leaves me "not alone." 

When I am alone I am very good at filling my time with "busy work." Things that need to get done but usually aren't important. Laundry, watering the garden, walking the dogs, that kind of thing. Day-to-Day tasks. Not making art or working on my CEU's. I can fill days and days of time this way. Making medical appointments is a particular specialty of mine.

As someone who has never lived alone I'm pretty used to be around others constantly. Kids of course are rarely alone, so I didn't have too much time by myself even though I'm an only child. There were always friends over, parents around, grandparents, other kids, teachers, classrooms full of kids... you get the picture. 

Solitude is welcome. I'm working on practicing savoring my alone time more and making the most of it.

All the ways I help myself

It took me a long time to learn how to listen to my body and to give myself what I need. I think it was graduate school that knocked that message into my thick skull. That I HAD to take care of myself before I could take care of anyone else.

Since becoming disabled that lesson has only grown. I had to become a strong advocate for myself and learn how to listen to what's going on with my body. It's the only way I could get help from my doctors. 

Here are a few things I'm into at the moment that make taking care of myself fun and easy.

My monster mug

My 40oz mug from Target. I drink about 3 of these a day. It's lighter than it looks and has saved me more than once when I thought I'd have a quick medical appointment. I only keep water in it and I hand wash. Totally worth it. It's lighter than many of my smaller travel cups. Water water water.

Fidgets

I struggle with dermatillomania. I've had it my whole life. My mom says I use more band aids than anyone she knows. This is more often than not the cause of that. I've been making a real effort lately to tame that beast. This comes in the form of fidgets. I have spinner rings and bought this new zipper bracelet as well. I love it. 

Still disabled!

I'm not a Wonder Woman ALL the time. Some days I'm in more pain than others or I've tweaked a muscle. Then I use my disabled parking plaque. This is an easy way to help myself. Save my spoons and make life a little easier to prioritize my energy.

Joint compression

Another thing I do is make sure I have the right equipment to combat muscle pain and fatigue when I need to. Like the right shoes, braces and medication. These Crocs are amazing. A gift from my mom. But when I'm really out walking my high-top boots are best to secure my newly weak right ankle. I pay attention to my body signals and do my best to help myself. I'm very fortunate to be able to have access to the right tools and tricks. 

 (I was not reimbursed for any of these products. It's my personal opinion only.)

It's Not Just Juice

 

If there's ever any doubt that:

1) Being chronically ill is terribly upsetting and hard and...

2) That I am a Drama Queen

Here is proof. I took these pictures when I had just finished making fresh juice with my juicer. It was so hard to for me to finish doing that I was covered in sweat at the end of it. The battle I fought with my body to get that juice done was real. I had bought all the fruits and vegetables and I wasn't going to waste them. But DAMN! Running them all through my electric juicer, cutting some, digging the pulp out of the juicer, putting it back together, mixing and jarring the juice. It completely exhausted me.

The first picture was taken right when I was finished. And yes. Maybe I cried just a little from physical exhaustion.

The second picture was 30minutes later. Still sweating. Still exhausted.

The last picture was a full hour later. Still actively sweating a ton and still exhausted. 

My body behaved like I had just climbed the tallest mountain barefoot with no water. I drank a Gatorade and was still sweating. A cold shower and not moving for the rest of the day helped. 

This is what my chronic illness looks like.

From juice.

Just making some juice.

In the future I think I'm going to juice with some help.

Finding My Way

 

At 48 years old I feel like I'm finally finding my way. The way to really care for myself. With the same deep passion that I care for my family that I love so much.

CARE is such a lovely word. I sign off all my correspondence with "Take Care." I say that because it's important to me that everyone takes care of themselves. It is true what they say that you can't take care of anyone else if you don't take care of yourself first. Although I believe that you CAN take care of others, it's just not as healthy for you or the people you love. Putting yourself first is actually an act of love for others. This is something I'm just coming to realize.

Showing I care about myself through food choices.

I have always been a giver to others. Not materialistically, but emotionally and with my time and energy. As I aged I learned that it's important to say "no" to some people and some obligations. I thought that was all I needed to be mentally and physically healthy. Well, that and a Starbucks with a pedicure once in a while.

The older I get (and wiser I hope) the more I realize there's much much more to caring for yourself than sweet coffee and paying people to rub your feet. There's...

• Thoughts about myself, my body and my actions.
• Self talk. Am I being kind to myself?
• What I am choosing to put in and on my body.
• Am I committing self harm with my eating and lifestyle choices?
• How I spend my time.
• Am I connecting with people who make me more?
• My goals and dreams for myself.

Each of these can be a gateway to either self care or self harm. In the past, I don't think I was always choosing the CARE way. 

Some things I am committed to working on and changing are...

• Going down to a healthier weight for my body.
• Moving my body more through stretching, swimming and using my stationary bike pedals.
• Eating "good for me" foods that I would have skipped over in the past for tastier options.
• Ditching the chemicals on my body (hair dye, makeup, deodorant.)
• Setting new goals for myself.
• Exploring my new identity as a disabled person unable to work.
• Playing with my creative side.
• Relishing time in nature.

Caring for myself more may mean caring about other things less. Things like youth culture, other people's opinion, things I cannot control, other people's choices... Because caring to me is also really all about choices. Picking and choosing what I do, what I say, who I spend time with, how I feed myself. It's all one small choice at a time. 

How I imaging me and my friends in 20 more years.

Life is very short and I want to make sure I enjoy my ride as much as I can. That means being in the best health possible, as strong as possible (both mentally and physically) and not wasting time on things that don't matter. It's up to me what kind of life I create for myself. And I find it worth the work.

My Very Best Self

 

One of the things I love about myself is my ability to do absolutely anything I put my mind to. I've accomplished hundreds of things that I think would terrify the average person. But the one thing I've yet to accomplish is my happiness with my body weight.

This seems to be something millions of other people can do. Millions more appear to have self control around food (aka: a lack the addiction issues.) And then millions more have zero option and/or are starving. Which makes my gluttony all the more shameful to me. It makes me feel like I'm taking more than my fair share.

Food is my one vice. It's a big one though (pun intended). It's a huge source of pleasure, happiness, social activity... But what I am learning is that all of that is ok. It's ok to get so much joy from eating and sharing food (and having food shared with me.) What's not ok for me is the quantity and my obsessiveness about food.

After seeing the scale dip and bob like a fishing float for so many months I've finally had it. I reached my limit and I'm motivated to change. I want to be "my very best self." And like all big changes, I have a plan.

So... I made this chart for myself that breaks my weight loss into doable small goals. Each goal met also comes with a small reward. A non-food reward of course.

I am intrinsically motivated right now, but a little external motivation is also helpful. So is accountability! I'm seeing my nutritionist again in October and with some hard work I could be down 30lbs by then.

My big picture is to lose 100lbs. This chart represents the first half. I always feel more confident with small, achievable goals. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time (said someone, sometime, although I'd never really eat an elephant. Or a shark.)

I was excited to see that with some serious dedication I could be halfway there by the new year. I'm calculating a safe loss of 2lbs per week. I'm sure it will come off easier at first, then harder as I go down. That's why I have a larger amount of weight for the first few goals.

I'm a big "right tool for the job" person, so I researched and found some tools that could compliment my plan and my chart.

I really suck at portion size, so I bought these little cups to help. I feel I can eat as much fruit and veg as I want, but I need help with protein and fats. 

I'm also going to try this:

It's a "goal planner" that's supposed to help when you're trying to change behaviors and reach specific goals.

I think these tools will be plenty to support me. Then I also have my mom who is all in and my husband. They both want to lose weight and are the two main people I eat with, so I think that will be incredibly helpful for me.

Losing weight would mean less stress on my joints and muscles. Less work for my organs. It can only benefit me and my health. It's long overdue, but I needed to be in the right mindset. 

Having loose skin worries me a bit, but I figure I'll deal with that when I need to. I won't let it put me off my goal when I've barely started.

So here's to another major accomplishment in the making!

What's New Pussycat? (Oh whoa whooooa whoa...)

There are many new things going on with me creatively, medically and in my home. One of the bigger things is I finally have my BiPap machine. 

At first I was given a CPAP which has continuous air flow. It didn't work for me at all. It was like drinking from a fire hose. It took me about 6 months to get a BiPap instead and I hope it was worth all the work. (A BiPap has less pressure going out and more going in.)

I'm able to tolerate it all night, but learning to keep my mouth shut is still a huge challenge for me. Yup. I'm a big time mouth breather. I have noticed that my lungs feel much better in the morning when I use my machine then when I don't. I can breathe much easier and don't feel as asthmatic. I did read that a BiPap is supposed to be helpful for asthma. 

A non-medical thing I'm doing that's new is watercolor painting.

I've always loved oil painting. But it's very hard to do in your home. It also requires a lot of chemicals, so I stopped doing it when I didn't have a student studio anymore. Acrylic painting is fun, but not the same as oils. But with watercolors there's far less setup and cleanup. It's much easier on my muscles too. It's challenging and new, so I've been having fun with it. 

My garden is really going all out now. We have this beautiful orange-ish sunflower out front that's just perfect.

I love spending time out there when I can.

We're doing a major remodel of our front area right now too. We're excited to have it all finished so we can enjoy it. We're getting new fencing, a new driveway and a new bigger front patio with a water fountain! It's actually more like a small waterfall. I'm so excited to see it done. 

I've been finding the contractors and coordinating as much of it (including the design) as I can. Then my husband jumps in and takes care of the financing end. We're a great team and so far things are moving along. It's a challenge to deal with contractors, let alone 4 of them, but I can do it.

So that has been taking a ton of my time.

And then there's my weight. I hit an all time high about a month ago and am working on reigning in my eating. But it's very hard.

I honestly feel like I don't eat a ton, but then I have to remember that I also don't get very much exercise. The pool is about it. And although it's good for me, it doesn't help me lose much weight. In fact it makes me hungry!!!

So that's an ongoing struggle and something that's on my mind a lot.

I'm also always researching migraines and trying to find something that will help me more than the tools I already have. 

Although I already have pink tinted glasses, I thought maybe they aren't tinted enough? I got the darkest pink that I could at the time. I love that you can just try out a theory by finding a new pair online. I ordered these last night with a darker red lens to try out. Many of these companies take returns too, so if I hate it I can get them re-done in a dark pink similar to what I have now. 

And of course you might have also noticed that I colored my hair red. Actually my mother helped me to color my hair red. As in I told her how to do it and she paid for the supplies and did it for me. What a mom. 

To go from blue/black to flaming copper red is no easy task, even for a fully trained hair dresser. But 30+ years of coloring my own hair taught me a lot! And the few times I did go to the salon for a color I paid close attention. 

It took her a full day, but she managed to get as close to what I wanted as was possible. I've been having fun being a redhead for a change. 

I'm trying to make time for friends in all of this, but my health has been really awful lately. I've needed a lot more rest and down time than usual (which was already a lot). Just making time for family and the house project is about all I'm good for right now. I'm counting the days till my next Botox shots for migraine (still a month away). I'm putting myself and my needs first, which is still hard for me to do.

In a Different Way

I was traveling to my mother's house the other day in my wheelchair when I had a lovely realization. I always think of myself as "no longer able to drive." But that's not quite true. I don't drive a car, but I drive my wheelchair regularly. Many of the same skills used driving a car are implemented in driving a wheelchair. So I do still drive! 

WATCH ME DRIVE!

This new thought soon spread to other "I can't" areas in my life.

Thought: "I no longer work."

Reality: I don't earn an income for my work right now, but I still do plenty of work. 

Thought: "I can't travel anymore."

Reality: I can travel. I travel shorter distances now.

Thought: "I'll never be able to have more dogs because I can't take care of them."

Reality: We can have more dogs (in the future) and I'll just take care of them in different ways and ask for help in ways that I can't.

It may seem insanely obvious, but this was a big revelation for me. Now I'm seeing every "can't" in my life as "I CAN! JUST IN A DIFFERENT WAY." That's huge for me and feels wonderful.

Thriving

What is the difference between surviving and thriving? 

I asked myself today "Am I going day to day surviving? Or am I thriving?" The answer is complicated.

First I turned to the all knowing oracle of our times. Google. I think it's fun to ask deep questions and see what pops up. Much like a Magic 8 Ball. "Oooooooh all knowing Google. What lies at the depths of this question..." (((SHAKE SHAKE)))

Surprisingly Google had a good answer. Or make that Empowerwomen.org had a good answer. Although one I don't 100% agree with. "Surviving is doing what is necessary to live." I agree with that part. "A thriving mindset is defined by continually challenging oneself." I'm not sure about that.

To me personally the big difference isn't in challenging myself, but in growth. Surviving is making it from one day to the next intact. I for sure have my survival days. I know I'm not alone. I think of all the people across the world who are simply surviving right now.

However, Like Viktor Frankl I believe it is possible to thrive in any condition, no matter how hard, oppressive and awful. Most days I feel like I am thriving. I'm continually attempting to better myself. Better my health, my mind, my attitude, my relationships with loved ones, my body, my home... Thriving to me personally is a continual growing process into a better and better Antoinette. 

A kinder me who is as healthy as I can be, softer with my words, respectful of others, spending my time on important things, giving people (and pooches) my love, actively listening to others... all of these are things that make me feel like I thrive.

It doesn't have to be travel or a paycheck. I don't have to save lives or run a marathon. I just have to do my best and be my best. I am growing, flourishing, expanding into my own human potential. And I feel like most days I am thriving.

Magical Mermaid Moments

I've always been in love with water. Well, my mother tells of a brief moment when I was a baby screaming so loud in swim class that they politely asked us to leave. But as long as I can remember I've been in love with the water. Maybe that's more accurate? All water. Lakes, the beautiful ocean, ponds, puddles, rain and my beloved swimming pools.

I was a very fortunate child to always have access to a swimming pool. I spent all summer, every summer in my Grandmother's pool. In high school I was even briefly captain of my swim team. Brief because my math grades were so bad they took me off the team. Horribly cruel. I think anyone crazy enough to swim 2 hours before school and 2 hours after school every day should be allowed to be on any team they want. But I digress. 

Water is my second home. I'm always at peace in her embrace. It's a constant wonder to me even still. Every time I slip in to any kind of water I breathe that sweet sigh of release, of being safe and held. We love each other and I'm never tense or frightened, no matter what form she takes.

I'm most fortunate to still have access to a pool during quarantine. I talked about it here when my Mama and I were first able to go in her pool. Since then we try to go as much as we can. Typically 2-3 times a week. Not only do we swim, but we also love to play around like a couple of kids. We laugh endlessly and it nurtures our bodies and spirits. And every single time I tell myself how lucky I am.

Lucky to still be able to swim. To have access to water. To be able to get in and out on my own. To laugh and enjoy my time. Water has always been one of the biggest blessings in my life. Almost like another mother. So there is something good about summer and all the hot weather after all. I'm able to enjoy the water's embrace on a regular basis. 

Same Symptoms, Different Day

I used to keep a running list of my symptoms and share them with all of my medical providers at each appointment. This was helpful in the beginning because we had no idea what was wrong with me. When I started the quest for a diagnosis it was 2018 (2 years ago) and we were thinking it could be rheumatoid arthritis? An autoimmune disease? All I knew was I had a lot of pain that left me crying at night.

What it turned out to be was:

• Stocking glove pattern neuropathy
• Benign brain tumor
• Metabolic/Mitochondrial Myopathy

I also had a complete hysterectomy in 2015 due to major reproductive health issues.

I assumed at the time that my problems were mostly neuropathy (that I believed was caused by my Latent TB treatment the year before) and autoimmune. My symptoms were all pointing to RA being the main culprit. But then the sudden muscle weakness hit. From one day to the next I suddenly lost about 80% of my strength.

It took a very long time and many referrals to solve the riddle of my muscle weakness. The current consensus is that my mitochondrial cells (the power cells of the body) don't process energy correctly. I have 3 genetic mutations that have been identified that could be the cause. All of this is pretty new science so everyone is really just doing their "best guess." I've learned to be the expert in me.

Unfortunately either the brain surgery that I had in 2018 or my Mitochondrial Myopathy have cause me to also suffer from Vestibular Migraines. Shockingly these have been more crippling than my myopathy. So if you're keeping track it's:

• Vestibular Migraines
• Metabolic/Mitochondrial Myopathy
• Stocking glove pattern neuropathy
• Osteoarthritis (and possibly RA)

It's been about a year since I posted my symptoms. I also don't really keep track of them anymore. There's a few reasons for this. 

1) I'm tired of talking about it, looking at it and only being a "sick person."
2) My symptoms haven't really changed.
3) It's more useful to alert my healthcare team about NEW things if/when they come up.
3) New symptoms can get buried under my massive list of health issues and get overlooked by my doctors.
4) I have a great team who keeps good records of my health diagnosis, visits and concerns so it's a bit redundant at this point.

Rather than bringing in a list of symptoms with me now to an appointment, I bring specific concerns and/or questions that I have. I always take notes and I very very rarely go alone. This helps make sure I don't miss anything (as my memory can be a serious issue).

When I look at the list of my past symptoms I still have all of them. However, I also have treatment that helps me manage them. I feel positive that I will soon have treatments in place to help 100% of my symptoms be bearable.