That Sweet Spot

I think I found the sweet spot. I made this venn diagram the other day and it really inspired me. Something clicked in my brain and I've been doing a very good job taking care of my body and making smart choices for myself. Even my cravings have diminished substantially.

 

I really spent time thinking about how my previous big successes could help me make smarter choices for my body and health. Where could they overlap and how could it help me. This was what I found that I need to thrive.

Support: From my family and friends. Everyone to know what I'm trying to accomplish and to check in with me regularly about it. 

My mom and I at our gym post-swim. 
#winning & twinning!

Example: For me to serve as an example to others. I do very well when I have people who look up to me. It's not an ego thing at all. It inspires me to want to do better. I feel more accountable.

Tools: I need the proper tools to thrive. Gym membership. Pool access. Water weights. Swim suit. Trolley to keep all my gym stuff in. Healthy foods that I can plan around.

Smoothie making going on up in here

Goals: I do well with both long term and short term goals. Like my big goal is to weigh 200lbs. But my goal this month was to get under 280 (goal already hit!) My goal this week is to lost 2lbs. My goal every week is to swim 3 days.

Small Steps: This not only applies to exercise, but to eating as well. I tell myself "What's the best choice I can make right in this moment. For this one meal, snack, right now." Then I do it again and again and again. Small pebbles can make a mountain. One grain of sand can make a beach.  

Plan: I can't accomplish anything if I don't have a plan. Meal plans, workout plans, weekend and weekday plans. I do best when I have a concrete plan and then I can modify as I need around it. With no plan I sink quickly and revert to ingrained habits that have been formed over a very long period of time. I'm looking at you Taco Bell.

Rewards: A little something just for me now and then keeps me motivated. Non food rewards of course. Even a small thing like a face mask or lipstick makes me feel good about my hard won battles and new neuro pathways that I've created. It keeps me going. 

This stunning constellation monstera was a little treat for myself. 

Doing it for myself:  I can't accomplish anything if I'm doing it for other people. It took me a while to get to that point when I was quitting smoking. Which is why it wasn't working at first. But when I decided to stop trying to do it for other people and to just do it for myself it clicked. Same with school. At first I was doing it just to get a job. But when I switched and did it for a career that I really wanted it clicked and I flourished. With health I can't lose weight for a trip or a big event. It has to be "just for me."

Patience: I'm AWFUL at being patient. It's one of my big weaknesses. But all of my successes have come with patience. I can't force myself to be successful and accomplish something no more than you can force a flower to bloom or a tree to grow. I can give myself the proper environment and tools for achieving my goals, but I have to just wait to get there. 

Failure is ok: It's through our mistakes that we learn. I firmly believe that. I have made every mistake you can make while trying to do what's best for my body. Setback after setback. And that's ok. I'm allowed to start over and over and over. A lot of life is like that. It's never too late to keep trying (unless you're dead.) And thank goodness I'm not quite there yet. 

 

1 week update on Wegovy 1.5mg

I'm writing this while eating lavender lemon cookies that my mom and I made for Easter. How do you spell ironic again?

I've been on the new Wegovy pill for exactly 11 days. Today is day 11. Here's the good and the bad:

GOOD

• I have noticed I think about food much less overall.
• I have way fewer cravings. I'd say about 99% less.
• I don't have that "blocked up feeling" anymore.
• It's easier to take than the shot was.
• It's half the price of the shot. $149 vs $300 for the same supply.
• It has made me think more about what I eat and how much. Especially during the day.
• Overall I think I'm eating less than I used to. 
  
  
  
  So good, but so bad.

BAD

• I can still eat as much as I want. It's still hard to stop eating.
• It doesn't help my nighttime appetite. 
•  If I eat too much "rich food" at night I get acid reflux (when I didn't used to.)
• I think my constipation is a bit worse. (I had it before this too, so it's hard to say.)
• It's still very expensive.
• I think the effects are getting slowly less impactful. I feel like I need a higher dose for it to be more effective.
• The first three days I took it I did have that "blocked up" feeling.
• My weight isn't budging.
• If it's in front of me, I'll still eat it.

I will keep on with it, but I'm going to ask my doctor for a higher dose soon. Or if I can take 1 1/2 pills or even two.

On the plus side since I started it I stopped eating all the Easter candy I bought for the kids. That's an accomplishment! 

See how I put them all right next to the scale? Sneaky!

 

 

What I need right now

I adore being back at the gym. I feel myself getting stronger every day. I also feel I have more stamina. Something I was seriously lacking before. 

We go to the gym three days a week. I'm slowly increasing the difficulty and pace of what I do. Today was the first day I did a few minutes of stretching and water yoga before I got out. I forgot how good that feels. My back especially needed a good stretch.

 WOMAN POWER!

I'm feeling like a happy, beautiful princess. I love moving my body again. Feeding myself healthy, wholesome foods and of course, my red hair. I have such a "redhead" personality that I feel it really suits me. 

 I love being a redhead

I've been trying to pay close attention to what I need right now. And in the near future.

1) Move as much as I can every day. That's not to say push myself every day. A gentle dog walk or swim is perfect.

2) Avoid sugar and processed foods. They both make me just feel ick.

3) Gently push myself. Like slowly increasing my weights at the pool or staying in the garden a little bit longer. But don't over do it.

4) Eat a high protein, mito friendly short chain fatty acid diet. This is where I feel my best. Fresh foods, no preservative, berries all day every day. I'm like a bear when it comes to fresh berries.

5) Avoid gluten when I can. I feel really bloated and get acid reflux when I eat most gluten foods. I can even get eczema if I have too much of it.

6) Take care of my body. Lotion myself, eye drops three times a day, color or no color on my hair, gentle washing of my beautiful body...

7) Not eating an extreme diet. Like Vegan. That doesn't work for me. Also having a normal size dinner and eating at the table on weekdays. We can eat like slobs on the couch during the weekend. 

8) Eating almost no dairy. Goat and sheep cheese and rarely even that. I've cut wayyyyy back on cheese and I feel better for it.

9) Not obsessively weighing myself. Once a week is more than enough. It's about health and strength. Not numbers.

10) Having my partner and family also doing this with me. Swimming with my mom is so fun. We chat a lot while we work out. My husband is also eating exactly what I'm eating. That's so helpful. I like seeing him get more healthy too.

11) Writing in my journal, blogging, talking about my health, my body, my needs is very therapeutic for me.

12) Replacing ART with mindless eating. Making time during my busy week for art.  

 

Some of my delicious meals lately 

 

What IS Best For Me!?!?

Today is week 3 of the Vegan diet. I can already tell it isn't working for my body. I feel hungry, weak and tired. Yes, it could just be me. It could be that's as good as it gets? My stomach is feeling much less bloated, but it's also less full. I stay full for a shorter period of time then before.

"Are you eating meat again yet mom?"

My mom had surgery this morning and my cravings were out of control last night. I seriously wanted to go get a hamburger after taking her home. But I didn't. What I did do was go get an organic gourmet turkey breast sandwich at our local deli counter. I thought it was a good compromise. I felt better right after eating it. Satisfied and full in a good way. 

I want to try eating a small amount of animal protein again.
Turkey and chicken breast
Goat and sheep cheese
Eggs

This hummus toast was delicious.

I think the "short chain fatty acid" way of eating is where I had the most success. That's what I changed to when I stopped needing my chair every time I left the house. I can also combine it with foods best for my mitochondria. Seeds/nuts, berries & leafy greens.

I'm really burnt on Asian dinners. But the lotus root in my stir fry was yum.

I did some more research today and learned that a strict Vegan diet doesn't always support the metabolic stability that I need. I also learned that the two food groups that make up short chain fatty acids (SCFA) are "soluble fiber" and "resistant starch."

Resistant Starch: Is a type of carbohydrate that resists digestion in the small intestine. Because it isn't broken down early, it travels to the colon where your gut bacteria ferment it into short-chain fatty acids, especially butyrate - the SCFA most linked to mitochondrial health, gut repair and metabolic stability. All good things I want.

Soluble Fiber:  Fiber that dissolves in water (so your small intestine) and forms a gel-like texture. Your microbiome ferments it into acetate and propionate, which support metabolic regulation, blood sugar balance and gut health. It feeds the beneficial gut bacteria, reduces inflammation and enhances SCFA production. 

Types of resistant starches to eat:

• whole grains
• seeds
• beans
• green bananas (or powdered green bananas)
• raw potato starch
• sweet potatoes
• sorghum
• millet
• quinoa
• starchy foods like rice, potatoes, oatmeal that are cooked AND COOLED! Who knew? They need to be cooked, then cooled, then either eaten cool or slowly reheated. 

Best sources of soluble fiber: 

• apples
• citrus
• mushrooms
• onions
• garlic
• carrots
• oats
• psyllium husk
• berries
• brussels sprouts
• sweet potatoes

When these foods are combines in meals I get a broad spectrum of SCFA, which is IDEAL for my gut health and my mitochondrial health. Especially if I add on some fermented foods.

Animal proteins only matter as much as my own reaction to them (I think I'm sensitive) and their fat content. They support my metabolism and energy levels, but they have nothing to do with SCFA production. Facinating. I wish all of this was taught to everyone. 

Taking Matters Into My Capable Hands

My very first blog post ever here was about "Plan Kick Ass." It was what I called a plan to rid all toxins from my diet and radically change my habits for the better. It has come and gone through the years. Typically with food addiction taking the drivers seat and veering me back into old habits. 

My dinner the other night. Cheese tortellini with gorgonzola alfredo sauce and roasted broccoli. It was even more delicious than it looks.

Cheese, butter, sweets, carbs... are all very hard for me to resist. Eight years later I'm ready to try again. But this time I have AI to help me.

With the help of Hal (what I call Copilot on my phone) I made a complete list of all the foods that are the very best for mitochondrial health. I then formed a meal plan around those foods. It is a complete, Vegan, protein and antioxidant heavy diet. No animal products at all. 

Matcha tea instead of coffee every morning.

What it also lacks are replacement foods. No Earth Balance instead of butter. No Impossible Beef instead of burger. And sadly, not even some fake buffalo "chicken" instead of real chicken on my salad. Nope. Whole grains, beans, fruits and vegetables. The closest thing I get to eating anything "fun" is dark chocolate. This... is... going... to... be... hard.

My research added to my 2026 journal.

BUT. If it will help me lose some weight to help my strength and mobility. Heal my mitochondria and allow me to have more stamina and less fatigue? Well... There's very little I wouldn't do for that.

First comes food. Then hopefully if I'm feeling stronger and more energetic I can increase my activity. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Welcome to 2026. My body won't know what hit it. 

Happy New Year!

I Am An Athlete

Ok... I'm not.

But my muscles THINK that I am. They conk out too fast like a marathon runner who is a professional body builder on the weekdays. Given that. I need to eat like a professional athlete.

I'm not talking about the 5,000+ calories a day. I'm talking about all the supplements, protein and muscle support foods that I can get. That means the very best breakfast I can have is a protein shake.

I don't always do this because:
1) It takes a lot of spoons to make (metaphorically speaking. Not literally.)
2) It requires a lot of ingredients = $$$$$$$
3) I don't always feel like drinking my breakfast. I girl likes to chew every once in a while.
4) It can be high in calories.
5) No matter what I put in, it doesn't taste amazing.

Here are the basic components I put in mine to feed my muscles and my body:
1) Some kind of frozen fruit. Typically mixed organic berries. Between 1/2 to 1 cup.
2) Some kind of oatmilk or juice. Between 1/2 to 1 cup.

3) Some kind of organic protein powder. Typically chocolate or vanilla. 1 scoop.

4) Powder fiber (I tend to run constipated thanks to all my pain medication.)
5) 1 tsp ground flax.

6) My recent addition to the mix, organic Inulin.

7) Filtered water.
8) Unflavored European style yogurt (if I have it on hand). 1/4 to 1/2 a cup.

Then I just blend the crap out of it and drink it. I splurged last year and bought official shake cups that come with those little metal balls in them for shaking. I find it really useful because try as I might things tend to settle fast. So unless I chug it like the athlete that I am, I tend to want to shake it a little.

I've also switched from my usual coffee brimming with barista style oatmilk and brown sugar to British tea with just a dash of honey. I'll still have coffee on the weekends. And you'll never see me without a massive cup of water. 

Here's my ideal breakfast

Something new that I'm trying also as a coffee replacement is sipping barely sweetened cacao. Just hot water, cocoa, a tiny bit of sweetener (your choice what kind), some Mexican vanilla, a dash of salt. Voila! You can add cinnamon if you like as well. 

The Cacao Powder I enjoy

You can learn about the differences in Cacao and Cocoa here. 

I am Miss Piggy! I am!

Weight Loss Tug of War

I had a doctor's appointment today. It was rare for me because it had nothing to do with my mitochondrial disease or migraines. I wanted to talk about weight loss.

I've been going from 298 to 285 back and forth for years now. I think the lowest I've been able to get is around 273. And that's been a hot minute. I was down to 263 about 10 years ago. Neither of those are amazing numbers though. I really should be closer to 200-220. Even though the medical industry would likely say more like 190.

As I told the doctor today. I've done it all in the past. Weight Watchers, Lean Cuisines, Therapy, Journaling, Blogging, Reading soooooo many books, Meetings, Workshops, Dieticians... Ugh. I told him I've been overweight for about 25 years now and I need some help.

My mom just started an injectable called Zepbound. He said he thought that could help me too. (No. I'm not getting any kickback for this.) My insurance has to approve it first, but he's pretty positive that they will. 

My Friend's Coconut Wedding Cake Yesterday.

Beyond AMAZING!

I'm hoping to get:

• Cravings under control
• Feeling fuller with less food
• Fewer hunger pains when limiting food
• Past that "hump" of the 280's
• Help to kick start my weight loss
  
  

I'm concerned about:

• Constipation
• My system already being slow now going slower
• More fatigue
• Other side effects

Although I'm not excited about another injectable, I am feeling optimistic. I'm going to journal a lot and try to keep an open mind. I hope this helps not just me, but my mom as well. 

Who do you want to be?

One of the things I love most about life (and there are many) is the chance to constantly re-invent yourself. It is literally never too late. You choose, for the most part, who you are. Who you want to be. Do you want to be a good parent? Do you want to be a scholar? A partner to someone? Adopt animals or children? Start a non-profit? Put out fires? What kind of person are you? You choose.

My newborn son's footprints. 1/23/94

This extends somewhat to the appearance you show the world. Do you chose to be a flaming redhead, or maybe a blonde. Do you only wear black with spikes on your shoes and metal chains? Do you wear no makeup at all and let your natural beauty shine through.

My Masters graduation. 2017

Of course by now we all know that there are many conditions that make it very difficult to manage weight. Hypothyroidism is one of them. I have it, so does my mother and son. My grandfather also had it. On top of that I'm over 50 and disabled, which makes the challenges all the larger. But it's not impossible.

The choices I make literally make me. 
I chose to be a stay at home mom. I have a huge "caring for others" streak that is essential to my person. I chose to go back to school and then to become a therapist. I chose to get married (one of the best decisions I ever made.) 

"
2013. Me not knowing how beautiful I was. I am.

Every moment of every day I make some kind of choice. I chose to sit down and write this blog.

Food is a difficult choice for me. I tend to be obsessive when I make a big change. Buying tools I feel like I'll need to succeed. Re-arranging my environment to best support my whopping new goal. It's the ADD in me and also a way I try to control things that are difficult to control.

I'm trying to make better food choices and to battle my addiction to food. I can feel that monster getting bigger. If I don't address it now it will take over my life, my mobility and my health. I don't choose that. 

Me in Iceland. 2014

I Am A Self Sabotager

I feel like I need to go to a support group for self sabotagers and people with eating disorders.

"My name is Antoinette and I'm a self-sabotager."

"HI ANTOINETTE!"

I mean seriously.

What is wrong with me?

I know I'm far from alone when it comes to self sabotaging, but I also feel like I have more on the line than a lot of people. Or do I? Smokers smoke themselves to death all the time. But I don't want to eat myself into a wheelchair. I really don't.

The feelings...

I feel huge.

I feel like I'm making my pain worse.

I feel like my food choices are making me weaker.

I feel like a failure for not eating what and how I should to make myself well.

I feel like I'm punishing myself over and over again, but I don't know why.

I feel scared that I can't do it.

I feel confused why I keep doing this to myself.

The facts...

I'm not "huge."

I "could" be making my pain worse. It's not a fact.

I need to make better food choices for my health.

The bad choices I am currently making are contributing to my health, for good or for bad.

I have been working out. (I feel proud about that.)

Every time I eat is a new chance to change and improve my choices.

I'm not alone, everyone self sabotages, don't be so hard on yourself.

"Self-sabotage often serves as a coping mechanism that people use to deal with stressful situations and past traumas. Unfortunately, it typically makes problems worse and limits a person's ability to successfully move forward in a healthy way."

-VeryWellMind on Self Sabotage. Click for more.

Food is my "self medication" of choice. Drug of choice. I love the taste of food with a lot of preservatives. All that fat, sugar and salt. Yum! When given a chance that's my go-to. Frozen food. Fast food. Diner American style food. Whoooo Mama. Gimmie that pie and cinnamon buns for dessert too.

I love to eat this way. 

And "love" is hard to walk away from.

It's an addication.

But I have to love myself more than the food.

Isn't that what it comes down to for all addicts? You have to love yourself enough to want to change. And it's not like you change once and you're done. I have to choose to change at least three times a day, plus dessert. I can't just put down my drug and walk away. I have to change and change and change and change.

I need stamina, grit, determination, focus, willpower and strength. And I need it all of the time.

If that's really what I want. Like 'three wishes genie' want. Then that's what I need to get there. That and endless amounts of self love with the ability to put myself first.

Food Addiction

It's very hard for me to pinpoint when food became my drug of choice. It wasn't always so for me. I think it was when my son was first getting diagnosed with Autism and my husband was working incredibly long hours. That feels right. 

When hard things happen to people it's common to form an addiction to cope with the stress. Drinking, drugs, gambling, sex/porn and food can all become addictions. But food is the hardest one to overcome because we can never just stop eating.

Cheers to not over eating. 

Enough "we" and back to "I." I struggle with portion control, eating too infrequently and choosing high calorie foods. I adore fast food, even though I don't have it that often (for an American.) I would happily eat two box's of macaroni and cheese for dinner every night if I just let myself totally indulge. 

A dream day of eating for me with no consequences would be doughnuts for breakfast, Taco Bell for lunch and mac n' cheese for dinner with some kind of pie or brownie for dessert. (((GASP!))) Just awful.

I never really had a big sweet tooth until recently. Sugar is absolutely a drug. The more I have the more I want. I think about what I'm going to eat next while I'm eating. I love to watch cooking shows while I eat so I can watch other people eating too. I'm incredibly suggestive to food. If someone even says something like "ice cream" then I'll want it terribly.

This is hard, serious work.

My "serious" face.

I've been fighting my food addiction for about 25 years now. I do well for a little bit, then go right back to what I was doing. The wonderful thing about overcoming something is that you never run out of chances (while you're alive of course. Then, game over.) I don't want to lose weight to conform to some kind of idea of what I should look like. I want to lose weight to hopefully lesson my pain. And because being strong feels really good.

Many members of my family also have food addiction issues. About three generations worth. Those who didn't had other addictions. Is being addicted to something part of being human? Are we just unable to resist temptation? What is that about?

Here's what I did TODAY to help myself and heal myself rather than hurt myself.

• I used my new food tracking app.
• I put my FitBit back on.
• I walked the dogs.
• I played with my dogs.
• I ate thoughtfully and carefully.
• I ate when I was hungry.
• I made a healthy dinner this morning so it's all ready for us. 
• I bought some healthy snacks to try.
• I wrote about my thoughts and feelings.

I know how to feed my dogs.

But it's much harder when it comes to me.

Meal Planning Follow-Up

There were some good things and some not so good things that went down the week I did meal planning. 

I enjoyed the oatmeal that I made. The protein powder gave it a fake sweetener taste that I did not enjoy however. I don't know why they flavor them with fake stuff like that. Next time I'll just stick to walnut and almond butter as the protein source. 

The lunches were good, but I did tire of them. I confess to not eating one EVERY DAY like I had planned.

I did feel more regulated when it came time to dinner. I wasn't wolfing it down like I usually do.

I still ate high calorie foods on the weekend. Drat. 

It took a ton of time out of my weekend.

I didn't have time to do it this past weekend. We were camping (my first time ever) and I had to recuperate.

I would do it again, but I would change a few things. I would make two different dishes for lunch and alternate. Or the same dish, but a little bit different. Like one vegetarian version and one regular. 

It was helpful to just grab and eat. To not have to think about what I wanted, get overwhelmed and not eat, or eat unhealthily.

My husband said it was very helpful for him to have ready lunches as well.

The Dark Underbelly of Meal Planning

I want to try something new with my eating. I want to give meal prep a go. That's the one where you make all your meals and snacks ahead of time, then just eat what is in the pre-portioned out of a cute, little container. I thought it might help me not only lose some weight, but regulate my protein and meals better for my energy and muscles. It's easy for me to forget to eat until I get too hungry, then make bad choices. One of the blessings of having ADD.

I decided I was going to pack ahead for breakfast and lunch, but not dinner. For dinner I would just have a set menu like I usually do.

Breakfast was pretty easy to put together. I put everything into a big bowl, then scooped that into small baby food jars (that I use for my dog's food). That made five breakfasts.

Inside is:

• whole oats (gluten free oatmeal)
• walnut butter & almond butter
• frozen berries
• vanilla protein powder
• ground flax
• honey
  
  
  
  
  

Next up were my snack packs. I'm not a snacker by nature, but I'm working on that. Inside is:

• super baby carrots (the smallest I could find)
• sliced celery hearts
• black bean dip
  (1 can black beans drained and rinsed, oat milk, dried onion flakes, smoked paprika, pepper, salt, pepper flakes, red pepper spice, hot sauce of choice.)

High in protein and super tasty! This is the best way for me to find a short chain fatty acid dip. To make it myself in the food processor.

Now came the hard part. Lunch. My husband and I decided on chicken burrito bowls.

But wait... that's not chicken! Well, turns out I was short on chicken, so two bowls are Vegan with pinto beans instead.

It looks so delicious. What could possibly go wrong?

To start let me say this took about three hours. That's just the lunch. Not the breakfast and snack. And that's with my husband helping by slicing the onion, jalapeños, tomatoes and lettuce. I did the chicken and rice.

I baked the chicken breast in salsa, salt, pepper and a little Tapatio. Then I intended to finish it off in a hot skillet with a bit of walnut oil. Except I was too eager and didn't get the skillet hot enough. Darn. It was still tasty though.

But check this out...

What they don't show you on Pinterest

I had SO MANY DISHES from just the lunch! It was a bit nuts actually. My kitchen was a mess. I did it though and managed to make us each four lunches. I typically have lunch once a week at my mom's, so I didn't need five.

Here's what it is:

• diced onion
• diced cherry tomatoes
• fresh mixed greens
• chicken breast (pinto beans in 2)
• sliced jalapeños
• brown organic rice (cooked in a can of diced tomatoes with green chilies, 1tbsp walnut oil and organic spicy veggie broth.)

That's it! No cheese. 

Both the breakfast and the lunch were delicious. I didn't have my snack today because I got a late start. I had breakfast at 10 and lunch at 2. At 6pm we'll be starting dinner. 

I learned a lot from my first time doing meal prep and planning.

1. It will take a lot of food. Buy double what you think you'll need. I almost didn't have enough and ran out of chicken.
2. Buy the right containers. I was lucky to find great ones my first try, but that's important. Especially for fitting everything into the fridge when done.
3. Clean out your fridge before you make the meals. Make sure you have lots of free space.
4. Have a backup plan in case you run out of an ingredient.
5. Measure to get your portion size correct. For example I used a 1/2 cup for the rice in the burrito bowls.
6. Have someone to help you, or buy things already cut or cooked to save energy and time.
7. Get your skillet super hot to finish off any meat.
8. Have an empty dishwasher. Ha ha.

Junk in my trunk

I am a woman with a lot of junk in my trunk. Thick thighs, legs for days and a tummy as warm as a pet Shar Pei. But I'm not happy with my weight. My weight has gone up and down with the same 20lbs for about 5 years now. And I have felt like I wanted to lose close to 100lbs honestly for about 20 years now. That's a very long time.

I'm trying to remember when the last time was that I was content with my size. I think I must have been around 10 years old. That's very sad. 

When I was healthy I used to try and focus more on my strength and less on a number. I did Zumba, swam and lifted light weights at our local gym. I also gardened a lot. Like hard core digging mulch piles kind of gardening. Not delicately planting flowers on my hands and knees. I would say I was "moderately" physical. I even tried running a few times.

Now days I do as much as I can when I can, which sadly adds up to very little. That means what I eat needs to count. Also with my disease comes nutrient use issues. My body doesn't process energy well. I've been told to eat little, often with a focus on protein. But do I listen? Not really.

My muscles need a break. My weighing what I do does my struggling body no favors. I know that. But over eating is a very strong addiction. I love food! I love to eat. The more the better. If I have a small plate of food in front of me I feel confused, irritated, deprived, annoyed, anxious... If I have a lot of food in front of me I feel happy, taken care of, comforted, nurtured, spoiled... Food has a lot of emotional connections for me. It's not just "fuel" for my body. 

Portion size isn't my only challenge. Eating frequently is also hard for me.

Looking back at my other food blogs I feel like I had the enthusiasm in spades. The planning was definitely there. So why do I keep failing at this one thing?

Unlike other addictions you can't just stop eating. This makes it harder than most to control. To completely change my relationship with food is obviously a gigantic struggle. Do I minimize my relationship with food and the level of my addiction? I think so. I can make all the positive slogans, lists and plans that I want to. But until I tackle my base level relationship with food I just won't change.

My lunch today.
I'm trying again.

Feeding Myself

I'm watching a show about Native Alaskans and a woman said something I love. "Everything is medicine, especially the food we eat." It's easy to forget that in today's fast paced world. I'm very fortunate not to live in an urban food desert and to have money to spend on pretty much any kind of food I choose. From wholesome organic food to junkie fast food. It's all up to me.

I have a troubled relationship with food and feeding myself. I'm really not sure even when it began. When I was younger I looked at food as an inconvenience. Something I just HAD to do. Stop playing and eat. Of course unless it was something super good like pizza. But even then I would just eat what I wanted and stop when I was full.

Something switched when I became a mom. Maybe it was eating my son's leftovers? Or eating for emotional reasons (eating my feelings.) I don't know but something changed. I began to over eat, eat at the wrong times and eat convenience foods. 

Every Friday was "treat day" for my son and myself. "Treat" meant fast food. I would pick him up from school and we would drive through the fast food of his choice. Yikes. I cringe at that now. I'm older and wiser. Sadly my now fully grown son is completely addicted to fast food. I can't help but blame myself.

But back to me.
I struggle with feeding myself. 
When and how much is a constant battle for me.

My natural setting is to eat nothing till later afternoon, then have something small. But when night comes the beast is unleashed! I love a very large dinner followed up with dessert. BOOM! More than a days worth of calories all at once.

How I "should be" eating for my mitochondrial disease is the complete opposite. Small meals with very high protein through the day. 

Then there's the ethical side of eating. At least for me.

I LOVE ANIMALS! All animals. I wish I could have a complete menagerie (and the staff to properly care for them.) Dogs especially, but seriously. All animals are wonderful. The way farm animals are treated here and in Asian countries is despicable. Really disgusting. So one of my goals for this year was to stop eating mammals.

In the past I was a vegetarian for a year and a Vegan for two years. As much as I wish I could be Vegan it's just too hard for me to get enough protein that way. I have low protein levels as it is, so I need to be careful. And when I was a vegetarian I increased my dairy (mainly cheese) to unhealthy levels. Plus I was still contributing to the cow/dairy industry which I didn't like.

I'm hoping by cutting out mammals I can find a healthy balance between what I need nutritionally and what I can do ethically. I can cut back on domestic cheese. I can eat more goat and imported cheese when I do eat cheese which is far more ethical and healthy. I will still eat eggs, but from certified humane farms. I enjoy organic free range chicken (not from factory farms) and that's a great source of protein. Fish I'm working on loving. I do love seafood, but honestly not more than once a week.

Why do we love some animals and eat others?

Beef is my favorite meat, but I just can't justify eating it anymore. The older I get the more I don't think it's very healthy for me anyway.

A healthy balance is what I'm striving for. 

Lately I've been enjoying either a protein bar or small yogurt cup for breakfast. Lunch is typically leftovers from the night before, egg and toast with a banana or a sandwich of some kind (like tuna.) Or if I'm fortunate then I'm at my mom's house and she's making me something fabulous. Like cod, baked potato and salad. I'm so lucky.

These are my absolute favorite

Dinner is still commonly my biggest meal. That's something I still struggle with. Both my husband and myself want to try and make lunch our biggest meal of the day, but it's a challenge for us. Dinner is usually fish tacos, chicken curry over potatoes or soup and quesadilla. We diversify our diet a lot with dinner. 

Dessert is something I'm working on cutting out all together. Unless it's a special occasion. I used to have a serious thing for Junior Mints. My nutritionist recommended replacing them with super dark chocolate bars (since you can only eat a little bit of them at a time.) I did and I find that I just don't want it that often. Although I'm guilty of making other gluten free goodies like chocolate chip cookie bars. But not very often.

I notice I'm not as hungry when I eat a high protein diet. My nutritionist also recommended eating a little bit of carb with every meal since it's carbs that convert protein to energy your muscles can use. I didn't know that and I had been eating super low carbs thinking it was healthier. So that's another small adjustment I made.

It would be fantastic if I could cut sugar out of my diet. I'm sure it would help with pain and inflammation. Sadly I'm addicted to my sweet sweet cup of coffee. Just one cup a day, but I need to have it sweet. I'm also still searching for the perfect non dairy coffee creamer. -sigh- I'm just a work in progress. Even at 50.

Did you know that...

• 10 Billion animals are slaughtered each year in the US.
• 99% of those are raised in a factory farm.
• Globally 80 Billion land animals are slaughtered for food each year.

This one shocked me and got me thinking...