Food Addiction

It's very hard for me to pinpoint when food became my drug of choice. It wasn't always so for me. I think it was when my son was first getting diagnosed with Autism and my husband was working incredibly long hours. That feels right. 

When hard things happen to people it's common to form an addiction to cope with the stress. Drinking, drugs, gambling, sex/porn and food can all become addictions. But food is the hardest one to overcome because we can never just stop eating.

Cheers to not over eating. 

Enough "we" and back to "I." I struggle with portion control, eating too infrequently and choosing high calorie foods. I adore fast food, even though I don't have it that often (for an American.) I would happily eat two box's of macaroni and cheese for dinner every night if I just let myself totally indulge. 

A dream day of eating for me with no consequences would be doughnuts for breakfast, Taco Bell for lunch and mac n' cheese for dinner with some kind of pie or brownie for dessert. (((GASP!))) Just awful.

I never really had a big sweet tooth until recently. Sugar is absolutely a drug. The more I have the more I want. I think about what I'm going to eat next while I'm eating. I love to watch cooking shows while I eat so I can watch other people eating too. I'm incredibly suggestive to food. If someone even says something like "ice cream" then I'll want it terribly.

This is hard, serious work.

My "serious" face.

I've been fighting my food addiction for about 25 years now. I do well for a little bit, then go right back to what I was doing. The wonderful thing about overcoming something is that you never run out of chances (while you're alive of course. Then, game over.) I don't want to lose weight to conform to some kind of idea of what I should look like. I want to lose weight to hopefully lesson my pain. And because being strong feels really good.

Many members of my family also have food addiction issues. About three generations worth. Those who didn't had other addictions. Is being addicted to something part of being human? Are we just unable to resist temptation? What is that about?

Here's what I did TODAY to help myself and heal myself rather than hurt myself.

• I used my new food tracking app.
• I put my FitBit back on.
• I walked the dogs.
• I played with my dogs.
• I ate thoughtfully and carefully.
• I ate when I was hungry.
• I made a healthy dinner this morning so it's all ready for us. 
• I bought some healthy snacks to try.
• I wrote about my thoughts and feelings.

I know how to feed my dogs.

But it's much harder when it comes to me.