Food Addiction

It's very hard for me to pinpoint when food became my drug of choice. It wasn't always so for me. I think it was when my son was first getting diagnosed with Autism and my husband was working incredibly long hours. That feels right. 

When hard things happen to people it's common to form an addiction to cope with the stress. Drinking, drugs, gambling, sex/porn and food can all become addictions. But food is the hardest one to overcome because we can never just stop eating.

Cheers to not over eating. 

Enough "we" and back to "I." I struggle with portion control, eating too infrequently and choosing high calorie foods. I adore fast food, even though I don't have it that often (for an American.) I would happily eat two box's of macaroni and cheese for dinner every night if I just let myself totally indulge. 

A dream day of eating for me with no consequences would be doughnuts for breakfast, Taco Bell for lunch and mac n' cheese for dinner with some kind of pie or brownie for dessert. (((GASP!))) Just awful.

I never really had a big sweet tooth until recently. Sugar is absolutely a drug. The more I have the more I want. I think about what I'm going to eat next while I'm eating. I love to watch cooking shows while I eat so I can watch other people eating too. I'm incredibly suggestive to food. If someone even says something like "ice cream" then I'll want it terribly.

This is hard, serious work.

My "serious" face.

I've been fighting my food addiction for about 25 years now. I do well for a little bit, then go right back to what I was doing. The wonderful thing about overcoming something is that you never run out of chances (while you're alive of course. Then, game over.) I don't want to lose weight to conform to some kind of idea of what I should look like. I want to lose weight to hopefully lesson my pain. And because being strong feels really good.

Many members of my family also have food addiction issues. About three generations worth. Those who didn't had other addictions. Is being addicted to something part of being human? Are we just unable to resist temptation? What is that about?

Here's what I did TODAY to help myself and heal myself rather than hurt myself.

• I used my new food tracking app.
• I put my FitBit back on.
• I walked the dogs.
• I played with my dogs.
• I ate thoughtfully and carefully.
• I ate when I was hungry.
• I made a healthy dinner this morning so it's all ready for us. 
• I bought some healthy snacks to try.
• I wrote about my thoughts and feelings.

I know how to feed my dogs.

But it's much harder when it comes to me.

Junk in my trunk

I am a woman with a lot of junk in my trunk. Thick thighs, legs for days and a tummy as warm as a pet Shar Pei. But I'm not happy with my weight. My weight has gone up and down with the same 20lbs for about 5 years now. And I have felt like I wanted to lose close to 100lbs honestly for about 20 years now. That's a very long time.

I'm trying to remember when the last time was that I was content with my size. I think I must have been around 10 years old. That's very sad. 

When I was healthy I used to try and focus more on my strength and less on a number. I did Zumba, swam and lifted light weights at our local gym. I also gardened a lot. Like hard core digging mulch piles kind of gardening. Not delicately planting flowers on my hands and knees. I would say I was "moderately" physical. I even tried running a few times.

Now days I do as much as I can when I can, which sadly adds up to very little. That means what I eat needs to count. Also with my disease comes nutrient use issues. My body doesn't process energy well. I've been told to eat little, often with a focus on protein. But do I listen? Not really.

My muscles need a break. My weighing what I do does my struggling body no favors. I know that. But over eating is a very strong addiction. I love food! I love to eat. The more the better. If I have a small plate of food in front of me I feel confused, irritated, deprived, annoyed, anxious... If I have a lot of food in front of me I feel happy, taken care of, comforted, nurtured, spoiled... Food has a lot of emotional connections for me. It's not just "fuel" for my body. 

Portion size isn't my only challenge. Eating frequently is also hard for me.

Looking back at my other food blogs I feel like I had the enthusiasm in spades. The planning was definitely there. So why do I keep failing at this one thing?

Unlike other addictions you can't just stop eating. This makes it harder than most to control. To completely change my relationship with food is obviously a gigantic struggle. Do I minimize my relationship with food and the level of my addiction? I think so. I can make all the positive slogans, lists and plans that I want to. But until I tackle my base level relationship with food I just won't change.

My lunch today.
I'm trying again.

Portion Size Confusion

I looooove food. 

Food and I have been having a passionate love affair for years now. Decades really. I have no idea when food switched for me from being tasty and something I had to do to stay alive to something I live to do. I don't feel it's healthy for me and I don't want food to take up so much space in my life. Enter my plan to eat six smaller meals a day. Yes, this is for my health, but it's also a way to educate myself about food and renew my relationship with it in a hopefully healthier way.

It's only been two days since I've changed how I eat, but I've already learned a lot about myself.

1. I have no idea how many calories are in something. My guesses are always WAY off.
2. I like eating healthy foods.

Seriously though. I looked up a portion size, then measured or weighed out what that is for each of these foods. Would you have guessed these are one serving size?

I thought I would be starving eating so little, but when I'm eating every 2 hours I don't think my body has a chance to feel hungry. Yesterday was the first day I kept actual track and set alarms on my phone. This isn't me being obsessive, but instead trying to learn what six meals a day really feels like. It's new and I need help learning.

I prepared some easy to eat things this week for in-between meals. For other meals (like dinner) we have a weekly menu board in our kitchen. My husband also wants to eat less, so that makes it much easier!

• Already sliced and prepared fresh veg
• Boiled eggs
• Salted roasted peanuts
• Avocados
• Cottage cheese (whole fat)
• Fruit for dessert

Wish me luck!

Try ALL the Things!

It's a new month. August. The bridge between summer and fall. A perfect time to try something new. I've been told (and my own research confirms) that I am not eating properly for my muscle disease. What I should be doing is eating many small meals through the day that are high in protein and "good" fats and low in carbs. But what I like to do is eat two large meals (especially dinner! My favorite) and nothing in between. Breakfast to me is a banana or just coffee. Not so good. 

Soooo... Since I want to be my best healthy self that I can be. And I'm also very fortunate to have access to food. I want to at least try eating the way that my doctors recommend. With gratitude in my heart that I have the financial stability to be able to do so. Especially now during the pandemic.

Soooo... I did a lot of research and here's what I found:

1. I should try eating 6 smaller meals a day. 
2. I will prioritize foods naturally high in COQ6 since that's where my major genetic mutation is.
3. I will focus on foods that are high in protein and fats and low in carbs.
4. I am going to pay close attention to my symptoms and how I feel.
5. I am going to try this for the entire month of August.

Yes. I already started!

I read that foods naturally high in COQ10 are:

• Trout
• Herring
• Mackerel
• Sardines
• Spinach
• Cauliflower
• Broccoli
• Oranges
• Strawberries
• Sesame Seeds
• Pistachios
• Eggs
• Soy
• Peanuts

(I got this instead of Taco Bell the other night. One small choice at a time!)

Some basic "good fats" are:

• Avocado
• Salmon
• Peanuts
• Olive Oil
• Eggs
• Dark Chocolate (85%)
• Macadamia Nuts
• Tofu

Foods high in protein are:

• Anchovies
• Eggs
• Yogurt
• Tuna
• Salmon
• Pumpkin Seeds
• Cottage Cheese
• Peanuts
• Tofu
• Beans
• Halibut
• Peas
• Oats
• Hummus
• Broccoli
• Popcorn
• Avocado
• Asparagus
• Potatoes
• Shrimp
• Guava
• Sun Dried Tomatoes

Food helpful for inflammation are:

• Flax Seed
• Green Tea
• Turmeric
• Walnuts
• Pineapple
• Kale
• Garlic 
• Broccoli
• Lemon
• Berries
• Avocado
• Cantaloupe

These lists aren't all inclusive, but are helpful for me. I also notice a common theme. Like rich fish, eggs and tofu. Those will be a staple for me. 

My hope is that maybe I'll have more energy with eating this way and even a little less pain. That would be lovely. It could also make some weight loss easier too. Fingers crossed. I'll keep you posted!