Willpower my ass

So here's the thing. I have always had very good willpower as an adult. I achieved three college degrees in about ten years despite my ADD, contracting TB and taking my license examination during the beginning of COVID with a migraine in a wheelchair. I have willpower.

So why is having willpower with food so hard?

Addictions are different than other "accomplishment" based achievements in my experience. I once quit smoking and it was incredibly hard. I also "failed" many times before being able to stop for good. Now if I have even a drag I get an asthma attack and headache right away. It's almost like my body became allergic to them.

Staying in school was also very hard. There were many many times I doubted I could do it. When I became ill it was an even larger challenge. But I knew the finish line was close.

That's the thing. I usually do my best when there are small steps along the way. Read this book, ace this test, excel at that class, graduate and move up. Repeat till goal is reached. Fully licensed with Masters in counseling psychology. Goal achieved!

Why can't I do the same with weight loss?
Hit the gym today to work out in the pool with weights. Go back three days a week. Lose 5lbs. Repeat. Maybe because I also have to watch what I eat, when I eat, how much I eat. On top of working out? Hmmmm. But the goals are still small and (pun intended) digestible. 

I tried making a weight loss chart before with small goals and dates. That didn't work before. Tried portion control cups and plates. Naaaah. Prepared meals delivered to your door. Too expensive and not for us. Vegan, Vegetarian, Mediterranean, Atkins, high carb, low carb, no carb, pills, shots... You get the idea. So far nothing has really "clicked" for me.

Even my health wasn't the best motivator. My cravings and not so great habits are very strong. My addiction is very strong. I need to re-wire my brain and how I think about food. Fuel not food.  

I also do better when I'm accomplishing hard things with other people. A workout class, swim partner (my momma), making healthy food with my husband... Even better if I'm the best at it or an inspiration to others. Hello ego! I didn't see you hiding there. Even in school I would have "school friends" to go through classes or semesters with. 

Like school I just need to find a pattern. A key to what works for me beyond willpower. Because I don't see that as my main issue. I just don't think I've found what works for me yet. But I'm confident that I will. 

Asked for Help

I've definitely been feeling stronger and having more stamina since returning to the gym. I walked the dogs yesterday. A walk that I could barely do a month ago. One that left me in a lot of pain was suddenly (dare I say) EASY for me. I've also been able to stand still longer. Something that was incredibly difficult for me just a little bit ago.

Back in November I was seriously worried I would need to use my big chair again. Not that that's a bad thing. But it just means my muscles were very weak and I was feeling like I might need the extra help. We started bringing my travel chair with us wherever we went.  

All of this is leading me to weight loss.
I'm not going to the gym for weight loss. But to be stronger, more flexible, keep my muscles from atrophy and for my mental health. It's a special time set aside just for me and my body.

But I'm also not stupid. I know that the less weight I have, the less strain on my already compromised joints and muscles. 

My food craving have been just horrible as well. You would think the more I indulged them the quieter they would get? But I really think the opposite is true. So I asked my doctor for help (now I sound like one of those awful commercials.)

 My beautiful $149 pill bottle 
(with personal information omitted)

But I really did though. I asked if I could try the new Wegovy weight loss pill. All the others until now have been injections. I did try Zepbound injection a while back. The side effects were awful. I just felt like my digestion completely stopped.

I'm hoping that the brand and delivery change will be helpful. So far I have noticed a bit more burping and farting. But then again I am old. Hahahah. My doctor said she only had one other patient on it and that they were doing very well. The pharmacy told me that I'm the first for them and I'm to report back how it goes. So I'm a bit of a pioneer.

 LOTS of warning labels, but this aint my first rodeo.

Last night I had bad dry mouth. But that could have been from my fan blowing right in my face or allergies. I get dry mouth a lot, but it hasn't been that bad since I took Baclofen three times a day for muscle pain.

I hate to say it, but at 3:30 when I couldn't go back to sleep I paid the Devil his due (Amazon) and signed up for a one month prime membership. Just so I could get my dry mouth tablets (Zylomelt) delivered next day. I needed them bad for tonight. I'm not doing that again. Although I HATE giving the big A any money, my health needs come first.

 My nightly ritual

I was a bit stunned to learn you have to take Wegovy in a very specific way. First thing in the morning with 4oz of water exactly. Then you must stay upright for 30min. You can't eat or drink anything while the drug is absorbed in your stomach.

I measure out my water the night before and set the bottle next to it. Right after I take it I set a timer for 30min and keep myself busy. Blog, walk the dogs, write in my journal, tidy up. Man when that alarm goes off I am READY for coffee and water.

You're also supposed to have tiny meals, the first one being bland. Like a dry piece of toast or crackers or something. I'm already finding myself eating very small meals through the day. I think that could have been one of my mistakes on Zepbound. I didn't change my eating at all, then all that food just clogged up my gut.

Like the pharmacy, I'll report how it goes. 
Today is day 3. 

 

How Summer's Going

Summer 2025 is more than half over and it's going very well. The less animal products I eat the better I feel physically. I'm also have a lot less pain, especially at night. This is a huge leap from the person I used to be. Someone who would lay in bed at night and cry from the pain. 

I very quickly went from using a motor cart to shop to not even using my handicapped parking. And this...

I haven't seen the dimple in my "bad leg" in at least six years. It's usually always swollen no matter what I do. But now it's almost as strong as the other one. I've been biking and swimming, so I'm sure that combined with my diet is why.

This is how I feel. Like I'm "almost me again." It's the best feeling in the world.

I've been pushing myself, but paying close attention to my limits. I did a mile and a half walk with my husband yesterday and made 10,000 steps for the first time since I became ill.

Right now I eat a vegetarian diet with minimal dairy. And the dairy I do eat is usually fermented, like yogurt. I use oat milk in my smoothie and just eat a lot of Buddha bowls and Mexican with no cheese. The biggest dairy I eat is eggs, which don't seem to bother me.

I've gone from riding my wheelchair to the pool to swim with my mom to riding my electric bike! And yes, I do peddle. 

I work out with pool noodles and water weights about three days a week.

Another accomplishment this summer, no fear of being in the pool alone.

My mom observed that both of us usually feel our best during the summer. I agree. I think I am the most physically active, despite the horrible heat. I also tend to naturally eat a bit lighter and not quite as much.

I have felt hungry almost every night in bed. But I'm down to 281, which is a big deal for me. I'll be so happy to break through the 280's. What a wonderful summer of success!

Medical Scare

 

My mom just returned home from the hospital after being there for a harrowing six days. She was vomiting and having diarrhea and couldn't eat a single thing for 15 days. It was awful. She was diagnosed with kidney stones, gallstones, an enlarged pancreas,  two small hernias, fatty liver disease, diverticulitis of the colon and a UTI. Because everything else just wasn't enough. 

This is the third time in five years she's gone to the emergency room and been admitted. Fortunately this is the first time she didn't require surgery. It was very stressful, all the unknowns and I just felt so awful for her and helpless.

At times like this I'm reminded that the one thing I can do and can control is what I'm putting in and doing with my own body. Seeing her health scares me. Being a plus size woman myself, it makes me want to try and lose some weight to hopefully avoid some of these future issues.

The good that came out of it was that I was inspired me to re-double, triple, quadruple my efforts to try and treat myself with tender loving care. Feed myself good food. Move as much as I can. Rest when I need to. Spend my time mindfully. All fantastic reminders.

In the past I've wanted lose weight for a very specific goal. A trip usually. Or special event. Then I "cheat" because I'm on vacation, it's a special holiday, we have company, there's a birthday party, etc... There always seems to be an excellent excuse to eat anything I want.

This time I'm taking it minute by minute and trying to make the best choices for myself. For my body. For my health. For my future. Rather than indulging for the "Now."

Just Doing My Best

I'm done with Zepbound. The side effects were too much for me. Bloating, burping, constipation, painfully slow digestion... I felt like I had bariatric surgery. It took away my cravings, which was good and bad. It also dulled my love for food. The enjoyment of eating.

In one way that gave me insight to what "normal" people must feel like. On the other hand I felt sad to have no pleasure of eating. That "spark" was gone. 

When my Nana died I found books and books of weight loss tips, recipes, smoothies, advice, drugs... in her home. She was always a bit plump. Not big, but average. As long as I can remember she was on some kind of weird diet and trying to get all of us to do it too. I remember being given these giant green spirulina pills when I was young. They tasted like swamp goo. And for the record I was not a big kid. Maybe she did it for "health?" 

I was struck with how much of her life she wasted on all of these things that don't matter. Didn't matter. Her clothes size, her belly, her back fat, her "bingo" arms. She was beautiful to me. I was determined in that moment to not let all that "noise" screw with my happiness. The people in my life love me unconditionally, no matter what size I am.

She was perfect just the way she was.

Somehow I had already forgotten that lesson.

I do want to lower my weight for the sake of my joints and muscles. But I am beautiful, stunning and perfect. I don't need any weird food to do it. And it's ok to have ice cream for dinner every once in a while. 

Zepbound Day 1

As I mentioned in a previous blog I'm trying out the new weight loss injection Zepbound. I did my first dose last night before bed. I had some minor nausea, but then I was quickly asleep. 

I was warned by the doctor to be careful with how much fat and fiber I eat. Lots of fiber, very little fat.

Unfortunately my poor stressed out husband just got his labs back and they showed his blood sugars are back in the "diabetic" zone. So now is a very good time for both of us to change our ways. 

For breakfast I made myself a protein shake. In it was...

1 cup of each:
Orange juice
Oat milk
Frozen mixed berries

1 small banana

2 scoops chocolate protein powder

1 scoop of each:
Metamucil
Raw coco powder
Ground flax

Lastly 1/2 a scoop of Collagen (It makes the shake slimy so I can't use much of it.)

It tastes like a chocolate covered strawberry to me. Not bad at all. Just a bit gritty. 

That made 2 pints. I drank one and put the other in the fridge for tomorrow.

With this I'm having "Smooth Move" organic tea for constipation. Yes, herbal tea instead of coffee. I hope all this doesn't give me the opposite problem. Hahah.

Protein shake, tea and water.

I just got a new tattoo, so a lot of protein is important. Same with reducing my calories.

It's chicken salad for dinner. Wish me luck!

My new shark tattoo

Weight Loss Tug of War

I had a doctor's appointment today. It was rare for me because it had nothing to do with my mitochondrial disease or migraines. I wanted to talk about weight loss.

I've been going from 298 to 285 back and forth for years now. I think the lowest I've been able to get is around 273. And that's been a hot minute. I was down to 263 about 10 years ago. Neither of those are amazing numbers though. I really should be closer to 200-220. Even though the medical industry would likely say more like 190.

As I told the doctor today. I've done it all in the past. Weight Watchers, Lean Cuisines, Therapy, Journaling, Blogging, Reading soooooo many books, Meetings, Workshops, Dieticians... Ugh. I told him I've been overweight for about 25 years now and I need some help.

My mom just started an injectable called Zepbound. He said he thought that could help me too. (No. I'm not getting any kickback for this.) My insurance has to approve it first, but he's pretty positive that they will. 

My Friend's Coconut Wedding Cake Yesterday.

Beyond AMAZING!

I'm hoping to get:

• Cravings under control
• Feeling fuller with less food
• Fewer hunger pains when limiting food
• Past that "hump" of the 280's
• Help to kick start my weight loss
  
  

I'm concerned about:

• Constipation
• My system already being slow now going slower
• More fatigue
• Other side effects

Although I'm not excited about another injectable, I am feeling optimistic. I'm going to journal a lot and try to keep an open mind. I hope this helps not just me, but my mom as well. 

Times and Tides

I have learned in my 51 years on this planet that if I pay close attention, nature is the best teacher of all. That's one of the things I love most about Polynesian culture. Although it's not the only culture that lives so close to the Earth, it's the main one that I know and admire. Living on a volcanic island, like Hawaii and Iceland, you can't help but live in sync with nature. You are hugely dependent on nature for your survival. Any second you could be wiped out by her wrath, or enormously rewarded. We've lost that connection in more urban environments. No matter how many parks and green belts there are.

Not the same as a park

One of the big lessons nature taught me is that no growth can occur without destruction. Usually complete and violent destruction. Mother Nature loves nothing more than a clean slate. I respect that hugely. I look back on my life and see my own biggest periods of growth occurring after total devastation.

The Hawaiians also know this, which is why they focus on the "now" so intensely. Everyone has heard of "island time" and "hang loose." To me those mean exactly what my mother practices and knows so well. "Life's too short and precious to rush through." It's very easy to get caught up in the pressures of everyone else around you and start rushing through everything, even when there's no need. Rushing to our cars from the store. Rushing through the store. Rushing to the store. What happens if we're late? Typically nothing awful. You're just a little late *but not by "Island Time!"

Hawaiians also take full advantage of all of nature's gifts. The original native diet was very high in fish and fruits. It wasn't until American's came to take over that we introduced Spam. Although the Japanese labor force that was imported in to work the pineapple fields can take the blame for rice. I felt like I had never eaten a banana before until I had an Apple Banana in Hawaii right off the tree. Here we shop at the grocery store, or if you're very lucky, the Farmer's Market. But we typically eat far from nature. 

I'm very guilty of this. Frozen pizza, macaroni and cheese, heck! Even just cheese and yogurt. All are heavily processed foods that are known to contribute to disease. Does that stop me? No. It's what I grew up with and what I love. Though culture can and does change. Again, nature taught me that nothing is permanent and everything changes all the time. Even when you can't see it. Seashores are being eroded. Soil shifted. Rocks worn away. Diamonds created from stardust. Humans from blobs of cells. 

There is nothing from nature on this truck

Every so often I feel like I wake up from a culture induced stupor and wake up to the tides of nature. Fall has historically been one of those times for me. The changes in the natural world are so profound at this time that I can't help but to take notice. This always has been a time of inward reflection for me. This fall I didn't like what I saw.

I saw myself self-sabotaging over and over and over again. Doing nothing to support my own health. And little that nurtures my mental well-being. I have been shoving down the anger and grief over the death of the main male figure in my life, my Grandfather, who passed violently three short months ago. I have been feeding myself to comfort mentally rather than feeding myself what I know I need physically. I have been taking great care of others and not so great care of myself. A tried and true pattern of mine. I put other's preferences ahead of my own and lose focus of my own path as it crosses with others.

I am painfully aware of how easy it would be for my to lose myself completely to my new family. Stop going to the gym and just focus on them. But I have goals and I need to re-focus right now.

My Goals (what I want to re-focus on)

1.  My health. Eating the foods I need to eat to be as strong and healthy as possible. High fiber whole foods that will product short-chain fatty acids in my gut microbiome. Not long. This also includes going to the gym at least three times a week to work on my strength and flexibility. 
   
   
   
2. My creativity. Setting aside time for writing, ceramics, drawing, painting, whatever I want to express what's inside me.
   
   
3. My emotions. Processing my feelings about the horrible death of my grandfather.
   
   
4. My empathy. Spending time with my son, my mother and my new family. Also in here I put completing my CEU's to maintain my MFT license.
   
   
5. Making Money. Selling our unwanted stuff on eBay and maybe starting a support group of some kind. Getting back to working one or two days a week.

To accomplish my goals I need to be committed. Dedication and focus is what I need right now. Because there will always be more laundry and I don't need mac n' cheese.

I rebuke you Satan! 

Food Addiction

It's very hard for me to pinpoint when food became my drug of choice. It wasn't always so for me. I think it was when my son was first getting diagnosed with Autism and my husband was working incredibly long hours. That feels right. 

When hard things happen to people it's common to form an addiction to cope with the stress. Drinking, drugs, gambling, sex/porn and food can all become addictions. But food is the hardest one to overcome because we can never just stop eating.

Cheers to not over eating. 

Enough "we" and back to "I." I struggle with portion control, eating too infrequently and choosing high calorie foods. I adore fast food, even though I don't have it that often (for an American.) I would happily eat two box's of macaroni and cheese for dinner every night if I just let myself totally indulge. 

A dream day of eating for me with no consequences would be doughnuts for breakfast, Taco Bell for lunch and mac n' cheese for dinner with some kind of pie or brownie for dessert. (((GASP!))) Just awful.

I never really had a big sweet tooth until recently. Sugar is absolutely a drug. The more I have the more I want. I think about what I'm going to eat next while I'm eating. I love to watch cooking shows while I eat so I can watch other people eating too. I'm incredibly suggestive to food. If someone even says something like "ice cream" then I'll want it terribly.

This is hard, serious work.

My "serious" face.

I've been fighting my food addiction for about 25 years now. I do well for a little bit, then go right back to what I was doing. The wonderful thing about overcoming something is that you never run out of chances (while you're alive of course. Then, game over.) I don't want to lose weight to conform to some kind of idea of what I should look like. I want to lose weight to hopefully lesson my pain. And because being strong feels really good.

Many members of my family also have food addiction issues. About three generations worth. Those who didn't had other addictions. Is being addicted to something part of being human? Are we just unable to resist temptation? What is that about?

Here's what I did TODAY to help myself and heal myself rather than hurt myself.

• I used my new food tracking app.
• I put my FitBit back on.
• I walked the dogs.
• I played with my dogs.
• I ate thoughtfully and carefully.
• I ate when I was hungry.
• I made a healthy dinner this morning so it's all ready for us. 
• I bought some healthy snacks to try.
• I wrote about my thoughts and feelings.

I know how to feed my dogs.

But it's much harder when it comes to me.

All In One Year

 

My mother and I went spring garden shopping at our favorite nursery yesterday. It wasn't till my cart was full to bursting that I realized "Hey! This is my first time walking here!" Later on that day she sent me pictures of the last five years we were there. 

The picture above is 2023 and just below that yesterday, 2024. What an incredible difference a year makes.

I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to "Just hold on. Help is coming. You'll be here walking next year." What a miracle this still is.

I have a lot of pain and get tired. I need to remember to eat BEFORE I do something strenuous or exercise, not only after. Alcohol doesn't really agree with me anymore. When I was a wheelchair user I had far fewer after effects of drinking. Isn't that odd? Now my body's like "Heyyyy, we have enough going on without also metabolizing this poison you just drank." Fair enough body. I hear you.

Eight months ago that chair was still my only way to interact in the world. I call 2PM to 6PM "Magic hour" because that was the time I would miss out on every day. Every thought was about my disability and how I could best live my life. What tools I would need to get me through. How to explain my needs to people and anticipate them myself. Being disabled is exhausting.

Today was so wonderful planting all of my beautiful flowers. I'm not growing food this year in my raised bed. Just flowers and some herbs. I brought my back brace outside but didn't need to use it. Which is a testament to how much stronger my back and torso are becoming.

My weight is up, but I'm trying not to focus so hard on that. I'll be back at the gym tomorrow morning. Driving past my beautiful garden. 

Junk in my trunk

I am a woman with a lot of junk in my trunk. Thick thighs, legs for days and a tummy as warm as a pet Shar Pei. But I'm not happy with my weight. My weight has gone up and down with the same 20lbs for about 5 years now. And I have felt like I wanted to lose close to 100lbs honestly for about 20 years now. That's a very long time.

I'm trying to remember when the last time was that I was content with my size. I think I must have been around 10 years old. That's very sad. 

When I was healthy I used to try and focus more on my strength and less on a number. I did Zumba, swam and lifted light weights at our local gym. I also gardened a lot. Like hard core digging mulch piles kind of gardening. Not delicately planting flowers on my hands and knees. I would say I was "moderately" physical. I even tried running a few times.

Now days I do as much as I can when I can, which sadly adds up to very little. That means what I eat needs to count. Also with my disease comes nutrient use issues. My body doesn't process energy well. I've been told to eat little, often with a focus on protein. But do I listen? Not really.

My muscles need a break. My weighing what I do does my struggling body no favors. I know that. But over eating is a very strong addiction. I love food! I love to eat. The more the better. If I have a small plate of food in front of me I feel confused, irritated, deprived, annoyed, anxious... If I have a lot of food in front of me I feel happy, taken care of, comforted, nurtured, spoiled... Food has a lot of emotional connections for me. It's not just "fuel" for my body. 

Portion size isn't my only challenge. Eating frequently is also hard for me.

Looking back at my other food blogs I feel like I had the enthusiasm in spades. The planning was definitely there. So why do I keep failing at this one thing?

Unlike other addictions you can't just stop eating. This makes it harder than most to control. To completely change my relationship with food is obviously a gigantic struggle. Do I minimize my relationship with food and the level of my addiction? I think so. I can make all the positive slogans, lists and plans that I want to. But until I tackle my base level relationship with food I just won't change.

My lunch today.
I'm trying again.

Growing & Shrinking

Growth isn't linear. That's something I remind myself of constantly. It's actually a lot like grief. I will have times of great growth, times of dormancy and times of regression. It's not a beautiful upward swoosh like a Nike logo. It's more like that hair ball clogging your drain. And it can feel that way at times too.

I've lost 24lbs since early June of this year. As of today. As of right now. That number goes up and down at times, but it's on a trend that I like. Each of those pounds has felt like a Herculean effort on my part. Resisting a parade of temptations (and sometimes giving in), swimming as much as I can, weighing myself weekly, then every few days, then daily, then every few days, then weekly... It's a dance that I'm doing with myself. Sometimes light on my feet, other times stepping on my own toes.

I always read that it's harder to lose weight the older you get as your metabolism goes. Back when I was "healthy" it was hard for me to lose weight because of my sluggish raisin of a thyroid. Even with synthetic replacement. Add a mitochondrial disease on top that hugely affects my energy and muscle ability and I was in for a bigger challenge than I realized.

Hence the drain clog of a process. Up and down and all around, back upon itself. But it is change. And I feel a lot of pride. I've lost a small toddler so far! Only a full adult to go. 

I see myself being pleased with about 82 more pounds lost, but I'll see how it feels.

I have vacillated between being a happy, thick adult woman and wishing to be a thinner version of myself my entire adult life. There's an important distinction there because I've never wished to be anyone other than me. Not even when I had a brain tumor and started to need the help of a wheelchair. Social media doesn't give me FOMO or make me covet other women's looks. Rather it gives me an appreciation for the feminine diversity and makes me even happier in my skin than I was before. 

Any desire to be thinner has always come down to health for me. In the past I would notice things such as my lack of stamina going up stairs. Joint pain or muscle pain after doing a Zumba fitness class. How I felt I should and could be more flexible. That hit an all time high with my mitochondrial disease. 

Self sympathy played a big part in my weight staying higher than I like once I had compromised mobility and muscle use. I told myself that if I couldn't have an orgasm I could have a massive Taco Bell feast or a whole batch of rice crispy treats. Not that I had those things very often. My big problem was just eating too many calories on a regular basis. Not particularly anything unhealthy regularly.

And then there was COVID. Everyone I know gained weight during 2020. I was no exception. But when I passed 300lbs red alarm bells went off in my head. I had come to a crossroads. Was I going to be a life-long big woman who would eat what I wanted and not worry about the consequences? I have many friends who have chosen this path and they are very happy. They look stunning! But I knew it wasn't for me.

The more weight and pressure I put on my joints and muscles, the unhealthier I personally am because of my disease. My body has to work that much harder to maintain any mobility and I have a lot more pain. I couldn't do that to myself. I love myself more than the liberated feeling I get from being able to eat what I want.

I want to feel as good as I feel in the water, on land. This can only happen with weight loss. A serious amount of weight loss. I'm fine with going slow, not going in a linear direction, but I have a destination in sight. I want to be a might lighter version of myself, for myself. For my health and for all of my muscles. 

Plan Kick Ass - The Revenge!

I've talked in the past about my addiction to food. It has been a huge comfort this last year that I haven't been able to work. I've also tried different versions of what I like to call "Plan Kick Ass." In short PKA is always my attempt to regain control over my eating and diet. I'm not even including "health" in there because I honestly feel I'm as "healthy" as I can be. 

It's my enlarged fat cells that are the issue currently. My scale reached an all time high last week and I didn't like it. Since I can't exercise much the only way to change that situation is by intake. But there lies the trouble. I LOVE FOOD!!!

But there are things I love more than food:

• Art and making art
  
  
• Talking with family and spending time with them
  
  
• Snuggling with my husband
  
  
• A good TV show like Brit Box's Miss Marple series
  
  
• Walking my puppy
  
  
• Playing with my jewelry (a la' Elizebeth Taylor style)
  
  
• Sipping coco or coffee under soft blankets (especially if it's raining outside)
  
  
• Watching a movie with my Mama at her house

I bet there's even more than that! That's just off the top of my head. So why make food my number one? Because it's easy, something I have to do anyway and always there. But I'm working on it.

Being Frank About My Fat

There's something that's been weighing on my mind (pun intended) for a while. Well, since I'm a woman I'd say my entire life. W e i g h t. The size of a woman and what she "should" look like has been with me for as long as I can remember. But as a disabled "woman of size" it's on my mind now more than ever.

I am fully aware that the more I weigh the more stress there is on my joints and weak muscles. I'm also aware that my weight being well over my personal preferred size does no favors for my health. However there is a constant tug-o-war that happens in my mind. I can know both those things to be true and lack the motivation and will power required to do something about it. Simply put... I LOVE FOOD!

I love to eat. I love to think about what I'm going to eat next while I eat. I love to watch TV shows of people cooking as I eat. I'm not so fond of cooking, but that's where my husband and mother come in as they are both very skilled chefs. 

I tell myself that I still look good (true), am still sexy as hell (also true) and if it makes me that happy then I should indulge. I also tell myself that if I can't have an orgasm I can absolutely replace that joy with food without guilt.

But there is guilt. Because I know that attitude isn't what's best for my body and boy does she let me know it! My pain is only getting worse along with my mobility. If it turns out I need help eventually getting into my chair or bathing, how fair is it that I have extra mass to contend with as well?

So here we have two completely conflicting emotions. The logical, sound reason that I would be much better off if I were to drop at least 80lbs. Then the heartfelt yearning for the taste of yum and more yum (and more...)

What's a cripple girl to do?