learn from the animals

To say that life has been stressful lately is an understatement. We're in a war against Iran. We're lead by an insane, murdering nazi, prices for everything have gone beyond sky high. Now we're in the stratosphere. From food to gas, most people are struggling. Women and LGBT people are actively being targeted, assassinated and having their rights taken.  

I feel angry, fearful, panicked and heart sick. 

But I can't feel that way all the time. Like the bombed Lebanese smoking a hookah amongst the ruins of what used to be their home. Or the teacher playing music inside the remains of a destroyed school. Art, music, laughter and love will always drown out the hatred of evil.

So I have been...

Making art. Making time for friends. Taking care of my body. Keeping up with my medical appointments. Loving on my puppies and trying to help people I love not feel overwhelmed.

My son is constantly stressed to the max. I think COVID really broke him. Now he shuts everything down with a "no." He struggled emotionally before all of this happened, but it has really become worse. His anxiety and depression don't seem to be at all touched by his medication anymore. 

After a recent breakup (where she broke his heart.) I took him to a town close to us for a break. I found this beautiful park with a massive pond and we just sat there and watched.

 
As I soaked in the beauty of the spot I could feel my shoulders soften from up around my ears. The tightness in my chest relax like a rope being untied. My breathing become deeper and more fulfilling. Changes that I wasn't even aware I needed.

Nature is a tonic for these times. And I need to remember that. Hug a tree. Swim in a lake. Look at birds. Go slow with my dogs. Nature is the best teacher of all. She can be vicious. But there is also a lot of love. She is slow moving. Slow growing. She takes her time when she's healing. 

The animals teach us as well. They too go slow. Enjoy the little things (like eating the same food for breakfast AND dinner.) Make time for play. Show each other new things. The old teaching the young.

Spending time in my garden has also been helpful. I think of it as an "earth detox." Where I just pour out all my stress and worries into the soil where it is composted like dead leaves. 

I realize I'm very privileged. I can afford the things I need. I don't live in a country that's being constantly bombed. The people I love are still alive and well. I'm not rotting in an ICE detention center. I'm in a healthy, loving relationship. I have a lot of resources and options. I'm a rare minority in the world.

I can hold both things. Both can be true. I can be sensitive and aware of the horrors of our time. While also healing myself in art, nature and love. I can take care of myself with food and movement and also be aware of my tremendous privilege. I can morn the lost rights of women, the disabled and people of color, while also laughing with my friends. 

It's not easy and it comes with practice. I think my background as a therapist is hugely helpful. But every day I try. Luckily I have my two beautiful puppies to lead the way. 

 

menopause

I never noticed before that menopause is such an accurate name. Because you really do feel like you are on a MEN - O - PAUSE. It could be the political climate or just hormones but in general I feel that all men suck. There are of course exceptions. Almost all of the men in my life I do adore. But I feel most interactions with men (especially older white men) just suck and end in me wanting to kick them in the nuts.

 Girrrrrrl Power! Me and Margo.

But I digress...
I just had a lot of lab work done and amongst other things (that I'll write about when I know more) I discovered that I am post-menopausal. At the very very tail end of menopause. Meaning my ovaries still sometimes kick some estrogen my way (lucky me) but in general I'm an official crone.

Welcome to the crone club Antoinette.
I told my son that I guess it means I can hex people now?

It's interesting because since my birthday almost three months ago now, I've been very much feeling myself transitioning into another space. Going through a liminal phase if you will. These labs confirm what I was feeling. Myself permanently saying goodbye to the motherhood phase of life and hello to being a crone.

 Back in the pool and loving it.

I find it so interesting and powerful that my sisters and I are very much the archetype for the Goddess in her triple form. The maiden, mother and crone. Look out when we get together.

I strongly feel my crone-ness is something to celebrate. Back when I first started menstruating a million years ago my mother took me and a friend out to dinner. Now I think we need to repeat the festivities.

Many women feel the sting of lost youth profoundly. I will never miss it. Being older and wiser comes with many gifts. I've had an eventful life and I don't mind if my face and body show it. Yes, I'll still color my hair from time to time. But that's more for art than it is chasing youth. I don't care how old I look in any way. It saddens me that so many women do.

I feel my new phase of life opening up to me and I welcome it gladly, thrilled that I've lived this long to reach such a milestone. 

Living my best life after a much needed trip to the bookstore.

I intuitively started buying myself flowers every Tuesday when I take my son to Trader Joe's. I think in a way I knew that I was worth celebrating. And why wait for a man to do something for you when you can do it yourself? MEN-O-PAUSE.

We've Got This

"In sickness and in health..."
My husband and I didn't include any traditional wedding vows in our ceremony 31 years ago. Luckily we both love each other enough to stick it out no matter what comes our way. Myopathy, brain tumor, TB, Diabetes, Liver Disease, Diverticulitis, COVID, a Regime in the US. I could keep going but you get the picture. 

 

My guy eats peanut butter as much as these squirrels love peanuts.

My man has been having some health scares lately. He's been pretty borderline diabetic for the last eight years. But this past year it was severe enough that he had to start medication for it and seriously avoid alcohol and carbs. He wasn't a big drinker before anyway, so we thought it wasn't too serious.

Then recently his liver enzyme blood work came back very high. He had an ultrasound that led to a diagnosis of fatty liver. We were both confused. He hadn't been drinking, he cut out almost all carbs and only ate white meat. What's going on? His doctor then ordered a different kind of scan and lab repeat. The scan showed that he has "severe fibrosis" in his liver. Which is one step down from cirrhosis.  

Everyone's body is different. He's also under a lot of stress and pressure with his work. And who isn't stressed out right now in America? I'm thinking that like me, he just had a strong reaction to something. Likely a combination of diet and environment. Fortunately also like me he is a "take action" kind of person, not a "wallower."  

Everything we are planning on doing to help his liver and diabetes is also good for me and my body. So it's really a win-win as long as we're serious and stick to the eating plan.

We both found this list helpful. 

He's now cut out all dairy and sugar. Going easy on fruits and heavy on veg. 

To help us out I subscribed us to a new meal delivery system. It delivers fresh made, organic, Vegan meals to our house weekly. Since I have a problem with portion control and getting enough protein in my diet I'm hoping this will be helpful.

So far I've tried out:

• Hungry Root- It had too much prep required and too much packaging.
• Misfit Market- Expensive, but I liked it. Especially their jalapeno hummus. 
• Thistle- My first delivery is Wednesday. It's also expensive, but all the shopping, meal planning and assembly is done for me. That will be helpful as my energy levels aren't great at night.

I'm also re-joining the gym this week so my energy at night will likely be even worse for a little bit. Having ready made healthy meals that fit both our needs will be a real luxury.  

Me living my best life in 2024

My mom and I are committed to going to the gym three days a week together. I'll start in the pool and slowly (hopefully) work my way up to Yoga class again. I got a lot out of both when we were regularly going.

Meanwhile my husband has been walking a lot more. He loves this mid 70's spring weather ((gag)) and the sunshine is good for his mental health. I'm less of a sunshine warm weather lover, so the indoor pool will be perfect for me.

My weight is currently at a good place and even though I'm just recovering from bronchitis and pink eye, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm hoping we can reverse my husband's liver condition. No way can he go before me!
 

(NOTE: I got nothing for linking to those food delivery companies. All my own opinion. No kickbacks.) 

How Summer's Going

Summer 2025 is more than half over and it's going very well. The less animal products I eat the better I feel physically. I'm also have a lot less pain, especially at night. This is a huge leap from the person I used to be. Someone who would lay in bed at night and cry from the pain. 

I very quickly went from using a motor cart to shop to not even using my handicapped parking. And this...

I haven't seen the dimple in my "bad leg" in at least six years. It's usually always swollen no matter what I do. But now it's almost as strong as the other one. I've been biking and swimming, so I'm sure that combined with my diet is why.

This is how I feel. Like I'm "almost me again." It's the best feeling in the world.

I've been pushing myself, but paying close attention to my limits. I did a mile and a half walk with my husband yesterday and made 10,000 steps for the first time since I became ill.

Right now I eat a vegetarian diet with minimal dairy. And the dairy I do eat is usually fermented, like yogurt. I use oat milk in my smoothie and just eat a lot of Buddha bowls and Mexican with no cheese. The biggest dairy I eat is eggs, which don't seem to bother me.

I've gone from riding my wheelchair to the pool to swim with my mom to riding my electric bike! And yes, I do peddle. 

I work out with pool noodles and water weights about three days a week.

Another accomplishment this summer, no fear of being in the pool alone.

My mom observed that both of us usually feel our best during the summer. I agree. I think I am the most physically active, despite the horrible heat. I also tend to naturally eat a bit lighter and not quite as much.

I have felt hungry almost every night in bed. But I'm down to 281, which is a big deal for me. I'll be so happy to break through the 280's. What a wonderful summer of success!

Medical Catchup

It has been a while since I updated what's been going on medically. So here's the skinny...

My leg is feeling much better. It feels like it was maybe inflammation that pinched a nerve or something and just took a long time to heal. My MRI came back fine and neither the sports doctor nor the rheumatologist could find a cause for my extreme sudden pain. BUT...

The rheumatologist wanted to rule out some autoimmune disease possibly going on. He ran some labs. The results were interesting. So far it didn't flag for anything specific. But it did show up positive for many different things. I have a message in to him to see if we're doing more testing, or if that's the end of it.

Is this English?

Gotta love lab results.

I've actually been feeling better energy wise and have been trying to push myself daily physically. I'm sore all the time, but I feel good about stretching my body in what I can do.

I went through two treatments of dry needling. It did help my neck and shoulders. Only during the last few days have I been having pain there again. It's almost like intense acupuncture. It lasts a lot longer than that for me and I get goldfish crackers after. I'm not sure it's worth the discomfort of the process though. 

I'm still getting my Botox for migraines every three months. However I changed my monthly injections from Amivog to Ajovy. Ajovy is supposed to be just as effective without the constipation side effects. I've only had one dose so far. But I'd have to say it works just as well as Amivog, maybe even a little bit better.

Thank goodness all the rain is done. That change in barometric pressure all the time was incredibly hard on my head. I can actually feel sharp pain where my head plates are when the weather shifts. It's not a fun experience.

The pool is back open and my mom and I had our first swim last Saturday. I love the water so much. I feel like I can do anything in it. It's so supportive. Getting out is a monster though. I feel triple my weight. I just try and go really fast. That helps.

After recently topping 293.7lbs I pumped the breaks on my eating. My all time heaviest is 297 and I got concerned being so close to it. I can feel the difference in my body a lot if I get over 280. An adult male gorilla weighs 300lbs. That's pretty big for a Vegan. And a little too close to my size for comfort. 

Yum Easter candy!

What's life without treats now and then?

Fortunately my garden is doing well and the summer produce is ready for planting. That will help me eat more vegetables. Here's my latest haul of broccolini, purple broccoli, sugar snap peas and chives.

I also have my beautiful back patio to spend time in. It has been fantastic to eat out there while the weather is springtime cool and breezy. This Friday we're doing a family dinner and breaking in the Hibachi for the first time. I'm very much looking forward to it.

Symptom wise I'm feeling the best I have felt in a very long time. My sinus infection cleared up. My leg pain is down from an 8 to a 2. My energy is the best it has been since I can remember. And it's springtime. I'm taking each day as it comes and living my best life.

Max does his part to help.

What's New Pussycat? (Oh whoa whooooa whoa...)

There are many new things going on with me creatively, medically and in my home. One of the bigger things is I finally have my BiPap machine. 

At first I was given a CPAP which has continuous air flow. It didn't work for me at all. It was like drinking from a fire hose. It took me about 6 months to get a BiPap instead and I hope it was worth all the work. (A BiPap has less pressure going out and more going in.)

I'm able to tolerate it all night, but learning to keep my mouth shut is still a huge challenge for me. Yup. I'm a big time mouth breather. I have noticed that my lungs feel much better in the morning when I use my machine then when I don't. I can breathe much easier and don't feel as asthmatic. I did read that a BiPap is supposed to be helpful for asthma. 

A non-medical thing I'm doing that's new is watercolor painting.

I've always loved oil painting. But it's very hard to do in your home. It also requires a lot of chemicals, so I stopped doing it when I didn't have a student studio anymore. Acrylic painting is fun, but not the same as oils. But with watercolors there's far less setup and cleanup. It's much easier on my muscles too. It's challenging and new, so I've been having fun with it. 

My garden is really going all out now. We have this beautiful orange-ish sunflower out front that's just perfect.

I love spending time out there when I can.

We're doing a major remodel of our front area right now too. We're excited to have it all finished so we can enjoy it. We're getting new fencing, a new driveway and a new bigger front patio with a water fountain! It's actually more like a small waterfall. I'm so excited to see it done. 

I've been finding the contractors and coordinating as much of it (including the design) as I can. Then my husband jumps in and takes care of the financing end. We're a great team and so far things are moving along. It's a challenge to deal with contractors, let alone 4 of them, but I can do it.

So that has been taking a ton of my time.

And then there's my weight. I hit an all time high about a month ago and am working on reigning in my eating. But it's very hard.

I honestly feel like I don't eat a ton, but then I have to remember that I also don't get very much exercise. The pool is about it. And although it's good for me, it doesn't help me lose much weight. In fact it makes me hungry!!!

So that's an ongoing struggle and something that's on my mind a lot.

I'm also always researching migraines and trying to find something that will help me more than the tools I already have. 

Although I already have pink tinted glasses, I thought maybe they aren't tinted enough? I got the darkest pink that I could at the time. I love that you can just try out a theory by finding a new pair online. I ordered these last night with a darker red lens to try out. Many of these companies take returns too, so if I hate it I can get them re-done in a dark pink similar to what I have now. 

And of course you might have also noticed that I colored my hair red. Actually my mother helped me to color my hair red. As in I told her how to do it and she paid for the supplies and did it for me. What a mom. 

To go from blue/black to flaming copper red is no easy task, even for a fully trained hair dresser. But 30+ years of coloring my own hair taught me a lot! And the few times I did go to the salon for a color I paid close attention. 

It took her a full day, but she managed to get as close to what I wanted as was possible. I've been having fun being a redhead for a change. 

I'm trying to make time for friends in all of this, but my health has been really awful lately. I've needed a lot more rest and down time than usual (which was already a lot). Just making time for family and the house project is about all I'm good for right now. I'm counting the days till my next Botox shots for migraine (still a month away). I'm putting myself and my needs first, which is still hard for me to do.

What Comes Next?

Almost a month has gone by since my last post. Many things have changed and much has stayed the same.

I passed my licensure and am now a fully certified Psychotherapist. That's very exciting news. I passed on my first try despite the heat, a mask and a migraine. I felt and still feel a huge tidal wave of pride at that accomplishment. It also marks with a big period an enormous part of my life. Endless schooling, three degrees, 3,000 hours of practice, studying for millions of hours and now a framed certificate on my wall publicly declaring that "I DID IT!" 

What comes next?

That's the part that has changed very little.

I still can't function at all without my Botox shots for migraine every 3 months. Though by the end of month 2 it starts to wear off and then I'm a mess once more. Dizziness increases, pain, sound and light sensitivity, seeing things that aren't there, my memory gets even worse (which is really saying something!) You get the general idea.

Then there's the pain. The pain in my body is constant. I rarely take anything for it because I feel pain is the communicator. Sometimes that communicator is broken (like my migraines). But sometimes it's a valid message. I don't want to shut down that relay with my body just yet. 

But the number one ruler of my life is fatigue. When I become exhausted all systems stop. My memory, focus, ability to talk easily, train of thought, muscle strength, all go out the window. This happens daily, usually around 12-3PM. I rest and sleep and feel better when I get up. If I don't rest and sleep it gets worse till my muscles start to shake and spasm and I get cold sweats. 

When people say to me "Now that you have your license you can start seeing clients again!" I cringe. They have no concept of what goes on in my body. In their defense I also "fake normal" really well. "You can just see a few online" the friendly person might say. But that involves the ability to be there for the person 100% and many hours of record keeping, preparation, etc... I'm not just a face on a monitor. 

Therapy is out. 

So what comes next?

I'm essentially taking some time off to mull that over. I'm vaccinated and enjoying being social a little bit again. I'm looking forward to taking a few small road trips. You know... cutting myself a break!

For the future I'm considering a few ideas. Writing a mental health book is the first thing that comes to mind. Both an interventions book for clinicians and one for consumers. I like the idea of writing because I can do it anytime I feel up to it.

Right now I'm swimming often at my mother's pool. Trying to work out my CPAP machine. Attending appointments at my muscle clinic, my migraine neurologist and my regular doctor. Spending time gardening (when my body allows it), cooking (see previous comment) and hanging out with my ever-fun family.

We'll see what comes next.

Pretending to Be Normal

There are times where I just get so sick of my body and my illness that I have what I call a "normal burst." That's where I just pretend that I'm a normal, healthy person who can do anything they want. I resent my medications. I resent using mobility tools. And I hate that my body fatigues. So I just push and push and push till I completely gas out.

Today was a day like that. 

I had a lovely morning with my Mom and when I kissed her goodbye for the afternoon she said "Now go and rest." We had swam that morning (Well, I more stretched and floated) and that was good advice she gave me... But something in me said "NOPE! I'm going to GARDEN because I AM NORMAL!!!" It's like my inner brat breaks loose or something?!

So I did. 

I watered my garden and did some pruning and cleaning. I felt my body want to quit, but I pushed it. I pushed it when I knew I should just stop. 

Why? 

Because it felt so good to be out there doing exactly what I wanted to do for a change instead of what my body wanted me to do (which was what my Mama told me to do... go and rest.)

I often fantasize about the things my body used to be able to do. Snorkel, bike ride, hike, etc. I think that's super normal and I'm sure many disabled people do the same. Especially considering I haven't been disabled that long. It was just 19 months ago that I was snorkeling in Hawaii with my husband and work friends. No way could I do this today.

Sometimes pushing myself is worth it. 

I try not to push so hard that my muscles go into rhabdomyolysis. It has happened a few times in the past and I like to think I learned. Pushing myself helps me know my limits. If I don't go to that breaking point I won't know where it is. It also gives me a little taste of what it was a like to be my "normal" old self again.

Magical Mermaid Moments

I've always been in love with water. Well, my mother tells of a brief moment when I was a baby screaming so loud in swim class that they politely asked us to leave. But as long as I can remember I've been in love with the water. Maybe that's more accurate? All water. Lakes, the beautiful ocean, ponds, puddles, rain and my beloved swimming pools.

I was a very fortunate child to always have access to a swimming pool. I spent all summer, every summer in my Grandmother's pool. In high school I was even briefly captain of my swim team. Brief because my math grades were so bad they took me off the team. Horribly cruel. I think anyone crazy enough to swim 2 hours before school and 2 hours after school every day should be allowed to be on any team they want. But I digress. 

Water is my second home. I'm always at peace in her embrace. It's a constant wonder to me even still. Every time I slip in to any kind of water I breathe that sweet sigh of release, of being safe and held. We love each other and I'm never tense or frightened, no matter what form she takes.

I'm most fortunate to still have access to a pool during quarantine. I talked about it here when my Mama and I were first able to go in her pool. Since then we try to go as much as we can. Typically 2-3 times a week. Not only do we swim, but we also love to play around like a couple of kids. We laugh endlessly and it nurtures our bodies and spirits. And every single time I tell myself how lucky I am.

Lucky to still be able to swim. To have access to water. To be able to get in and out on my own. To laugh and enjoy my time. Water has always been one of the biggest blessings in my life. Almost like another mother. So there is something good about summer and all the hot weather after all. I'm able to enjoy the water's embrace on a regular basis. 

Mermaid Time is Here!

FINALLY!!! IT HAPPENED!!! I'm the luckiest mermaid ever.

The swimming pool at my Mama's senior community opened up. The water is perfection. She and I couldn't wait to get to use the pool in her beautiful neighborhood. Covid delayed our anticipated dip, but it also made us all the more eager to be the first ones in.

I adore swimming. I always have. I feel most at home in any body of water. That's why when my muscle disease came into my life two years ago I told people "I'm just turning into a mermaid!" I always knew I was one.

Water is also the very best way for me to get exercise. It's supportive and safe on my muscles. Like all things though I have to be very cautious not to do too much. Which is exactly what happened on the first day we swam. I learned however and adjusted. Now I have two pool noodles. I stick one under each arm and try to just move my hands, torso and legs. Not so much my arms.

The hardest part of swimming is getting out. Not that I don't want to get out (but that too), it's because my body then feels to weigh about 1,000 pounds. It's a serious strain and very challenging, but I just go slow. Even if the pool had a wheelchair lift I don't think I'd use it (*yet). It's a good workout just getting in and out.

In fact... putting my suit on, getting to the pool, unhooking my wheelchair, getting in, swimming, getting out, drying off, getting my suit off, taking a shower, getting dressed again is about 99% of my spoons for the day. It's a serious workout for my body. But it's also one I'll enjoy doing for as long as I can.