2026 Has Been Rough

Last week my mom was in the hospital for her heart. She seems to have a medical crisis every year, but this one was by far the scariest. Well, that's not true. In the moment they are ALL terrifying. But this one was the closest to death I think she has come. I was sure she was going to die. I'm not ready for that yet. Not ready to lose her from my life forever. But will I ever be? I'm sure no.

This year has been crap for me medically as well.

 

 Eye infection in January. Starting the year off with a BANG.

 

Bad pink eye in February. Yes, it spread to the other eye. 

 

Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) in March. The fun just keeps coming.

Hives that pop up after compression, touching grass, hay or my dog's claws. Or just because.

 

My fingernail strangely lifting up off my nail bed (2 of them.)

In April I had another round of pink eye. But I didn't take any pictures this time. This will have to do...

Now it's May and I woke up with thrush yesterday. Fuck my life. 

This is a great reminder for me.

 

I had some labs done recently since I told my doctor I've been obviously have immune problems. 

She's referred me to a rheumatologist. I haven't seen one since 2018 (when I also had positive labs) and it wasn't a great experience. They thought I had Rheumatoid arthritis (RA), but it ended up being Mitochondrial Myopathy. I was put on medication that just made my symptoms much much worse (plaquenil) for RA. So needless to say I'm nervous about it.

 

Next week I'm seeing a neurologist for the second opinion about my "silent seizures." Does she agree that I have them?

 

Then comes the ENT to review treatments for my right year that likes to plug up on me for days on end when the pressure changes.

 

Also the gynecologist to talk about possible HRT to help my post-menopausal symptoms.

 

In the meantime I'm hoping to get my referral for Botox for migraines. I've been fighting with them about that since November. 

 

And people like to ask what I do with "all my free time." The answer is I don't have any. 

I feel like I don't even have enough to do art, When I'm not doing all this I'm trying to keep up with my precious pups, the house or with the people I love.  Of course I also spend a huge chunk of my day unconscious.

 

So yeah. 2026 has been kicking my butt.  

 

menopause

I never noticed before that menopause is such an accurate name. Because you really do feel like you are on a MEN - O - PAUSE. It could be the political climate or just hormones but in general I feel that all men suck. There are of course exceptions. Almost all of the men in my life I do adore. But I feel most interactions with men (especially older white men) just suck and end in me wanting to kick them in the nuts.

 Girrrrrrl Power! Me and Margo.

But I digress...
I just had a lot of lab work done and amongst other things (that I'll write about when I know more) I discovered that I am post-menopausal. At the very very tail end of menopause. Meaning my ovaries still sometimes kick some estrogen my way (lucky me) but in general I'm an official crone.

Welcome to the crone club Antoinette.
I told my son that I guess it means I can hex people now?

It's interesting because since my birthday almost three months ago now, I've been very much feeling myself transitioning into another space. Going through a liminal phase if you will. These labs confirm what I was feeling. Myself permanently saying goodbye to the motherhood phase of life and hello to being a crone.

 Back in the pool and loving it.

I find it so interesting and powerful that my sisters and I are very much the archetype for the Goddess in her triple form. The maiden, mother and crone. Look out when we get together.

I strongly feel my crone-ness is something to celebrate. Back when I first started menstruating a million years ago my mother took me and a friend out to dinner. Now I think we need to repeat the festivities.

Many women feel the sting of lost youth profoundly. I will never miss it. Being older and wiser comes with many gifts. I've had an eventful life and I don't mind if my face and body show it. Yes, I'll still color my hair from time to time. But that's more for art than it is chasing youth. I don't care how old I look in any way. It saddens me that so many women do.

I feel my new phase of life opening up to me and I welcome it gladly, thrilled that I've lived this long to reach such a milestone. 

Living my best life after a much needed trip to the bookstore.

I intuitively started buying myself flowers every Tuesday when I take my son to Trader Joe's. I think in a way I knew that I was worth celebrating. And why wait for a man to do something for you when you can do it yourself? MEN-O-PAUSE.

Any Questions?

"Do you have any questions?"
YES! 

What's wrong with me and how can we fix it?