menopause

I never noticed before that menopause is such an accurate name. Because you really do feel like you are on a MEN - O - PAUSE. It could be the political climate or just hormones but in general I feel that all men suck. There are of course exceptions. Almost all of the men in my life I do adore. But I feel most interactions with men (especially older white men) just suck and end in me wanting to kick them in the nuts.

 Girrrrrrl Power! Me and Margo.

But I digress...
I just had a lot of lab work done and amongst other things (that I'll write about when I know more) I discovered that I am post-menopausal. At the very very tail end of menopause. Meaning my ovaries still sometimes kick some estrogen my way (lucky me) but in general I'm an official crone.

Welcome to the crone club Antoinette.
I told my son that I guess it means I can hex people now?

It's interesting because since my birthday almost three months ago now, I've been very much feeling myself transitioning into another space. Going through a liminal phase if you will. These labs confirm what I was feeling. Myself permanently saying goodbye to the motherhood phase of life and hello to being a crone.

 Back in the pool and loving it.

I find it so interesting and powerful that my sisters and I are very much the archetype for the Goddess in her triple form. The maiden, mother and crone. Look out when we get together.

I strongly feel my crone-ness is something to celebrate. Back when I first started menstruating a million years ago my mother took me and a friend out to dinner. Now I think we need to repeat the festivities.

Many women feel the sting of lost youth profoundly. I will never miss it. Being older and wiser comes with many gifts. I've had an eventful life and I don't mind if my face and body show it. Yes, I'll still color my hair from time to time. But that's more for art than it is chasing youth. I don't care how old I look in any way. It saddens me that so many women do.

I feel my new phase of life opening up to me and I welcome it gladly, thrilled that I've lived this long to reach such a milestone. 

Living my best life after a much needed trip to the bookstore.

I intuitively started buying myself flowers every Tuesday when I take my son to Trader Joe's. I think in a way I knew that I was worth celebrating. And why wait for a man to do something for you when you can do it yourself? MEN-O-PAUSE.

Substance

I watched the bizarre movie The Substance yesterday. Although I can say I absolutely hated the ending, I did like the political commentaries that it brough to light. 

The beautiful Demi Moore and very young Sarah Margaret Qualley in The Substance.

The invisibility of women as we age (a good thing in my opinion.) The pressure on women to keep looking as young as possible. The self hatred that our beauty based culture can inflict on women. The disgusting men everywhere, seemingly endless amounts of them, who objectify women. "Beautiful girls smile" leers one man to a young girl, trying to get her to smile. An experience I had in my youth more than once.

A powerful scene where Demi Moore wipes away the makeup she just spackled on.

I enjoyed how powerful and decisive the main character became as she aged. No spoilers here, but the movie dug through the old myth of the maiden, the mother and the crone in a unique way. 

As a crone myself I found that very empowering. To own your "crone-ness" and to hell with everything and everyone else. Men don't like us because we now know all their tricks. How vapid and lurid most of them are. Not all men of course, but that's the general vibe honestly. And when a man's partner turns into a crone I think he becomes a bit fearful. Not a bad thing. Keeps him on his toes.

Disability is another challenge that makes one invisible. Although those who do see us are shockingly helpful and friendly. I realized the other day as I used my wheelchair how much people try and go out of their way to be friendly to me. Not when I use my rollator strangely enough. Then maybe I'm just an "old woman" instead of a "disabled woman?" It feels strange to transition between these worlds at will. 

I'll be honest. I do miss my grey hair. I feel ready to embrace my crone-ness and start kicking some butt.