Substance

I watched the bizarre movie The Substance yesterday. Although I can say I absolutely hated the ending, I did like the political commentaries that it brough to light. 

The beautiful Demi Moore and very young Sarah Margaret Qualley in The Substance.

The invisibility of women as we age (a good thing in my opinion.) The pressure on women to keep looking as young as possible. The self hatred that our beauty based culture can inflict on women. The disgusting men everywhere, seemingly endless amounts of them, who objectify women. "Beautiful girls smile" leers one man to a young girl, trying to get her to smile. An experience I had in my youth more than once.

A powerful scene where Demi Moore wipes away the makeup she just spackled on.

I enjoyed how powerful and decisive the main character became as she aged. No spoilers here, but the movie dug through the old myth of the maiden, the mother and the crone in a unique way. 

As a crone myself I found that very empowering. To own your "crone-ness" and to hell with everything and everyone else. Men don't like us because we now know all their tricks. How vapid and lurid most of them are. Not all men of course, but that's the general vibe honestly. And when a man's partner turns into a crone I think he becomes a bit fearful. Not a bad thing. Keeps him on his toes.

Disability is another challenge that makes one invisible. Although those who do see us are shockingly helpful and friendly. I realized the other day as I used my wheelchair how much people try and go out of their way to be friendly to me. Not when I use my rollator strangely enough. Then maybe I'm just an "old woman" instead of a "disabled woman?" It feels strange to transition between these worlds at will. 

I'll be honest. I do miss my grey hair. I feel ready to embrace my crone-ness and start kicking some butt. 

Escape

Ever since I can remember I fantasized about running away. When I was little it was the classic "put all my shit into a knapsack and take off with a sandwich" type daydream. As an adult it become "don't show up to work, but keep on driving till I hit Disneyland." Now days it has turned into "keep driving till you hit Canada or Mexico."

I hate what the United States has become. We are an oppressed nation ruled by a nazi who is stripping away women's rights as fast as I can blink. Although we started wheeling that way long before the human cheeto was sworn in. Roe vs Wade was overturned right under a Democratic president's nose. And a female VP I might add. 

Women are second class citizens here. Of course I want to run away. I'm guessing most women with a half a brain are currently daydreaming about it if not actively planning it. 

I used to think about having a precious little beach house in Monterey, CA. One of my favorite places. I love the unique wildlife there and the weather. Then later it turned to thoughts of Hawaii. Having a cottage tucked in the rainforest with wild geckos climbing my walls. Steps from the beach of course where I could snorkel every day.

Now I just think about anywhere but here.

My husband doesn't get it. Never did. He's incredibly sensible, rooted, grounded, determined, practical and let's face it. An upper class white man who works a corporate job. The US is made for him and men like him. Men who just keep their nose to the grindstone for the sake of their family. Who have a beefy 401K because they planned ahead for retirement. And lucky for me, because I am not and have never been that type of person. I think of myself as a kite and he's the little boy holding my string. Without him I would have been sucked up by a storm or eaten by a tree for sure. 

But man do I like to soar. And from up here I can see the whole world, not just our little patch of sky.

Rage and Resilience

 

Our world is full of horrors right now. Abroad women in Afghanistan are now told that they really don't need two eyes and that they should at all times cover one up. In Gaza everyone is being starved to death while reporters are bombed... intentionally. More reporters have been killed in Gaza than in every war ever put together.

At home a mad man is president. He has destroyed Democracy and women are being attacked right and left. Our rights are being stripped, our jobs, our art, our voices. The disabled are being intentionally murdered by vaccine and medication denial and no more support financially.

I'm very worried about my own disabled son who receives free medical care.

We've never been here in history before. Taken such a massive step backwards as a civilization. Men and their greed for power are murdering millions and millions of people. It's time women take power back. Men have proved they are unfit.

Personally it's very hard to keep aware of what's going on here and abroad without completely marinating in it. Balancing the fear with the resiliency. 

I do have a "go bag" packed. It contains cash, our passports, birth certificates, social security cards, medical information, all the information we need for the dogs and other important documents. My mother has the same. 

My husband made fun of me at first, but shut up after a friend of his said he did the same thing. 

We live in crazy, uncertain times right now. But even so, there is still joy to be found in friends and family.

Checking In With Myself

2025 Has been as difficult for me as 2020 emotionally. This time in 2020 the COVID pandemic was really serious. Things were shutting down and people were told to stay at home unless you really had to go out. Now in 2025 everything is a big scary mess politically.

Undocumented people are hiding out while ICE is on the hunt to deport them. Or worse, hold them in Guantanamo prison. Women, people of color, disabled people, LGBT people are all targets by politicians. Thousands and thousands of important government workers have lost their jobs because of the whim of mad men with power. Much needed services are being cut right and left. 

I feel anxious and depressed. I haven't been sleeping well and I feel exhausted pretty constantly.

Personally these changes are affecting me very little. Like the lock down of 2020. But since I'm a caring person and I see the impact it has on people I love (and people I don't know,) it is affecting me in a major way.

I have to remind myself of all the good things there are constantly. Like...

• My family
• My puppies
• The support group I just started for women
• My beautiful house
• My many friends
• My lovely town
• Nature
• That I can walk a block without my chair still
• Art and cultural experiences still happening
• Good TV & movies
• My soft bed to rest on any time I need it (which is often)
• Pottery

It's already very much springtime here. That also helps me focus on good things. It's a "hopeful" time in the season wheel. 

Keep Calm and Fight!

So the world imploded last week.

Again...

First Trump won the Presidency in 2017. We had him keeping the seat warm till 2021. Now we're in for him again. Both times he ran against women. The first time he lost the popular vote. Or as I like to think of it the "real" vote. The second time he won "for real" with the majority of America preferring a narcissistic dictator to a woman of color. Of course they did. No surprise there. Women of color are valued the least in this country.

Vice President Kamala Harris.

I really wish she was our new President.

I was crushed, then enraged. Disgusted with every single person who voted for him. I grieved for what could have been under a more liberal, collaborative leader. 

Now I'm just sick and tired of women being treated like trash. Of course there are other parts of the world that are much worse. But on average I do not feel like women are valued at all.

Like a phoenix I'm rising from despair into action. Women's causes are now my number one interest. I'm taking my time to consider where my help would be most impactful, but I am planning on actively working for the greater good of women. 

August 26,1920 Women are given the right to vote.
Not very long ago

Will that be a support group for disabled women? For mother's of special needs offspring? Volunteering at Planned Parenthood? Working for reproductive rights, equal pay and other women's causes? I'm not quite sure yet. My time is limited, so I want to make sure I'm making the greatest impact possible with what skills I have.

Maybe even just a women's only support group where we de-stress and share? A women's circle.

Hmmmm, that has potential.