Rage and Resilience

 

Our world is full of horrors right now. Abroad women in Afghanistan are now told that they really don't need two eyes and that they should at all times cover one up. In Gaza everyone is being starved to death while reporters are bombed... intentionally. More reporters have been killed in Gaza than in every war ever put together.

At home a mad man is president. He has destroyed Democracy and women are being attacked right and left. Our rights are being stripped, our jobs, our art, our voices. The disabled are being intentionally murdered by vaccine and medication denial and no more support financially.

I'm very worried about my own disabled son who receives free medical care.

We've never been here in history before. Taken such a massive step backwards as a civilization. Men and their greed for power are murdering millions and millions of people. It's time women take power back. Men have proved they are unfit.

Personally it's very hard to keep aware of what's going on here and abroad without completely marinating in it. Balancing the fear with the resiliency. 

I do have a "go bag" packed. It contains cash, our passports, birth certificates, social security cards, medical information, all the information we need for the dogs and other important documents. My mother has the same. 

My husband made fun of me at first, but shut up after a friend of his said he did the same thing. 

We live in crazy, uncertain times right now. But even so, there is still joy to be found in friends and family.

My Puppies

We've had dogs going on 22 years now. We first had "Snack." A beautiful yellow lab, basset hound mix. She was so sweet, gentle, kind and calm. The perfect "starter" dog and so great with little kids. My dream of having a menagerie of animals was soon crushed by my husband's insistence that we only ever have dogs. I was able to sneak in the odd fish now and again. But aside from two cats when our son was very young, we've only ever had dogs. 

When Snack got a little older I decided I wanted a puppy. I'd never had a puppy before and my hormones were going crazy. My husband said "no." I got a puppy. He lived with it. "Sweetie" was four months old and the only puppy at the pound when I got her. The same pound we got her sister from years before. They didn't know what breed she was. I just knew that I loved her and she needed us.

She grew into a beautiful whipped rat-terrier mix. (Best as we could tell.) She was very sweet tempered and we loved her every day of her life.

Snack (left) and Sweetie - November, 2007
Our family Christmas card photo

Next Came Lulu. My husband heard of a basset hound being dumped in our friend's backyard. She couldn't keep the dog and was looking for a new home. Snack had been gone for a while and John wanted a basset hound. It seemed like destiny. Lulu the basset was ours before the end of the day. 

     Lulu with our son 2013

Lulu and Sweetie kept us laughing for many years with their antics. Lulu was like having a stubborn, slobbery donkey. Sweetie became my close companion when I became ill and too sick to work. She loved wheelchair rides and naps with mom. 

(Lulu - With Sweetie behind her. April 2013)

We lost Lulu too soon due to a back injury. Sweetie grew old and cranky with us. 

Sweetie was with us till around 13. We took to calling her "Kreacher" after the Harry Potter house elf. Because she would walk by any room we were in, look at us with a disgusted look on her face and keep walking. "Filthy muggles" we'd mutter in her voice. Canine dementia can be amusing if you try hard enough. We had her for her long, love-filled life. 

Sweetie towards the end of her life.

2021

We were determined to take a "break" from dog ownership after Sweetie passed on. We wanted to travel if possible and not take care of a needy animal for a bit. That only lasted a few weeks. It literally felt like the heart of our home had died. It was empty, cold, lonely without a dog.

I was looking around online at different pets and I saw Max. The second I saw his picture I just knew he was my soulmate. We hadn't had a boy dog before, so this was a new adventure. Three other couples had already applied for him. He had been rescued from a hoarding situation and was at a foster home. I beat everyone out with my determination and commitment to him. I just knew he was our boy.

Max and I in our wheelchair days.

2022

2022

Two years later his sister Margo joined us. My muscles had improved and we were talking about getting a second miniature pinscher now that Max wasn't going out with us as much as before. I saw a beautiful female listed online as needing a foster. I commented that I "hope she finds one soon." Almost immediately I received a phone call from the organization. It was the same one we found Max on. They wanted to know if we would foster her.

They were desperate as she was currently in an over-crowded kill shelter and had been there for THREE MONTHS!!! I was also told she was pregnant. Oooooh no. But my husband and I talked it over. We couldn't leave her there. So we agreed to take her. The rest is history. She was officially ours three months later. Through kennel cough, immunizations and a spay surgery. Luckily they were wrong about the pregnant part. I couldn't have been more relieved.

January 2024

Who could say "no" to that face?

I will spend the rest of my life trying to right the wrongs that have been done to them both. Owning a miniature pinscher is like owning a toddler. They are very smart, stubborn, unpredictable and hilarious. Flustering, but they make me laugh all the time. They both came to us with substantial trauma. Margo more than Max. Before being in the pound for three months she was on the street. That's all I know of her story.

It has take a long time to soften her hard edges. But with love and time she has grown into an affectionate love bug. Both of my dogs adore the sling and being worn. Both love treats and being buried under blankets pressed closely next to me.

The older I get the more I dote on my dogs. They are my "fur babies" and I can't imagine my life without them. Each time I loose one my heart breaks even harder. But the love and joy they bring to my life makes all the heartbreak worth it. And they deserve all the spoiling I can afford to give them. 

Margo on the left and Max.

Yes, these are the same dogs.

They love being in my mom's Jeep.

And all the treats she gets for them.

So loved and spoiled.

August 2025

Reflecting on 2021

 

This year has come with many gains and loses for me. I lost my beloved Nana in mid-November. She was a second mother to me. Even though someone slips from the evil grasps of pain, it's still a loss. I know she's no longer suffering. But I also know I will never see her or hear her sing-song voice again. I kept some voicemails she left for me over the last few years and I'm grateful to have them. She had such an infectious laugh. One of my favorite things about my family as a whole is that we have all maintained our inner child. I can't say that for most people.

I also lost my sweet puppy girl of 16 years, Sweetie. Which I wrote about here. My son moved out of our home in an explosive way. That felt like a loss. And I felt like I finally had time to mourn my lack of ability to work. 

But my life is never just about loss. In fact every time I have a tremendous loss (like no longer being able to work), I also tend to have a huge gain (like my mother moving around the corner from me after being in England). 

So let's talk about my gains this year. 

Right up there with getting my clinicians license is my new fella Max. I worked very hard for that license. It was the climax of my education and training. Two thousand hours of working with clients, suffering through TB treatment, a total hysterectomy, a brain tumor and the start of my Mitochondrial Disease...WOW! For Max to be just as great speaks how important he is to me.

Another bright spot of my year was how much I was able to reconnect with my friends and family. My husband and I had a blast at "Friendsgiving" in November. We saw a lot of family that we missed last year. I had a life-changing heart-to-heart talk with my best friend since first grade. In short, I basked in the company of other people.

I like to think of myself as some kind of "Uber Introvert" who doesn't need the company of other people. But that's a lie I tell to protect myself from feeling rejected. Honestly I love to be around other people. And I'm doing much better at letting my limits be known.

Here are just a few things I want to remember that happened this year that were positive:

• I spent time with my Grandmother-in-law. One of my favorite people in the world.
• I had a lot of laughs with my Mama (just like last year, but it's important to savor those moments.)
• I produced some truly horrible art, but had fun doing it.
• I took some fantastic photos.
• I found new ways to do the things I love (asked for help, waited till later, worked around my disability.)
• I stopped fighting the need for rest.
• I went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium when they were practically empty. A dream come true!
• I saw the Mendocino Botanical Gardens for two days with the love of my life.
• I was finally approved for Whole Genome Sequencing along with my son and mother.
• We built our dream patio, complete with waterfall!
• I got my little room back (once my son left).
• I learned I can drink red wine again with some magical little drops that remove the sulfates. 
• I was kissed and hugged about a million times.
• I got back down to a weight that I feel ok with. Not perfect, but better.

Just looking at this list makes me feel both happy and proud. I love my life, even with its limitations. I am safe, warm, fed and very loved. I wish everyone in the world could say the same. That's my wish for 2022.

Giving Myself Pleasure

The big goal for myself this year is to spend more time in my own company. To explore myself and my personal interests now that I can't hold a traditional job. A job that used to fill 90% of my life, mind and time. 

I have started journaling again. Something I find very helpful for sorting out my thoughts and feelings. Writing with a pen also stimulates my mind in a very different way then blogging. To me my blogs are more of a guidebook that I can easily look back on for reference. My journal however is completely personal and private.

I'm once again growing out into and finding out what gives me pleasure. Here's just a sampling...

I used to look at taking care of myself as something I must do and that I had no choice in. This year I have changed that thinking to be something I'm fortunate to be able to do. I'm lucky to have the time and resources to take very good care of myself. So when I actively choose not to (by not doing my stretches or eating something that's not a good choice for my body) it's an insult to myself. It's my privilege to care for myself, not my obligation. I find that mindset much more helpful.

It helps me mentally to have my home reflect our families playful side. We have a lot of interesting collections and it's fun to create little curio displays around the house. I love having a playful home.

It's not just the visual side of my home that's important to me, but the scent as well. Fresh coffee, flowers, scented candles, a fresh fire log burning. All combine to make my home inviting, warm and cozy. And since this is where we all spend the great majority of our time since last year, that matters to me.

I could fill volumes with what I have learned from sharing my life with dogs. My sweet puppy is a "super senior" now in the twilight years of her life. I treat each moment I still get to spend with her as a great gift. Just watching her gives me endless pleasure. I'm thankful to be able to have had the opportunity to give her (and her sister's who went before her) such a good life.

I love to try new things, especially when it comes to decorating our teeny tiny home. Right now my work in progress is turning one side of our hallway into a giant wall of mirrors. I was gifted two unique, beautiful mirrors by my mother and three more from my sister-in-law. It has been a very fun project that's not over yet.

I love jewelry. It is one of the greatest passions in my life. I used to wish Elizabeth Taylor was my mother just so I could have her jewelry collection. Her daughter probably didn't like jewelry because that's how those things usually work. Just like my mother is not into jewelry at all. Go figure.

It's more than jewelry to me though. It's a story. So vintage jewelry holds a special place in my heart. It's like a sliver of time with an unknown history that gets to belong to you. I imagine the people who owned it before me. Their lives and their stories.

Stories have always given me pleasure. Even the hard ones, which is one of the reasons I loved my profession so much. But now I'm focusing on my own story and my own meaning in life.

Being Frank About My Fat

There's something that's been weighing on my mind (pun intended) for a while. Well, since I'm a woman I'd say my entire life. W e i g h t. The size of a woman and what she "should" look like has been with me for as long as I can remember. But as a disabled "woman of size" it's on my mind now more than ever.

I am fully aware that the more I weigh the more stress there is on my joints and weak muscles. I'm also aware that my weight being well over my personal preferred size does no favors for my health. However there is a constant tug-o-war that happens in my mind. I can know both those things to be true and lack the motivation and will power required to do something about it. Simply put... I LOVE FOOD!

I love to eat. I love to think about what I'm going to eat next while I eat. I love to watch TV shows of people cooking as I eat. I'm not so fond of cooking, but that's where my husband and mother come in as they are both very skilled chefs. 

I tell myself that I still look good (true), am still sexy as hell (also true) and if it makes me that happy then I should indulge. I also tell myself that if I can't have an orgasm I can absolutely replace that joy with food without guilt.

But there is guilt. Because I know that attitude isn't what's best for my body and boy does she let me know it! My pain is only getting worse along with my mobility. If it turns out I need help eventually getting into my chair or bathing, how fair is it that I have extra mass to contend with as well?

So here we have two completely conflicting emotions. The logical, sound reason that I would be much better off if I were to drop at least 80lbs. Then the heartfelt yearning for the taste of yum and more yum (and more...)

What's a cripple girl to do?

What I'm Into Lately

Rather than go on about my symptoms right now (many) or how I'm feeling (shitty) I thought it would be fun to talk about things that I'm into right now. New things. Things that keep me going and fill me with joy.

1. Puzzles: My husband and I started doing this last December and have been going strong all year. I can manage it sitting and focusing on such a small thing is really doable for me. I can also do it as long or as short as I want.
2. Records: I bought myself a record player after wanting one all year. I still have zero records though. Hahah! But I really like the idea of listening to records instead of watching TV.
   
   
   
   My new record player - minus the record. 
3. Socks: Fun socks just make me smile. My recent acquisitions include Wonder Woman and Grover. I have a rainbow striped pair that I call "my happy socks" that never fail to cheer me up instantly.
4. Pajamas: All things soft and snuggly. I'm embracing my comfort needs with clothes that feel like blankets.
5. Blankets: Can't have enough of them. Seriously. Never enough soft blankets of all sizes and colors.
6. Wood Burning: I bought a simple wood burning kit to try. I thought I could make cool, cheap Christmas gifts with them. We'll see if I ever get enough spoons to be able to give it an actual try, but I'm hopeful!
   Funky!
7. Acrylic Painting: I used to paint a lot and was quite good at it. I have a painting in mind that I want to do and a great canvas. Now I just need the spoons.
8. Redecorating: Putting up Christmas decorations makes me very happy.
   
   
9. Family Pictures: I've been updating my family pictures. I have one wall of just myself, my husband and our son, then a hallway full of family photos. I enjoy keeping them up to date. They help me remember all the fun we have and the people who care about me.
   
   
   
   Play it grandpa!
10. Re-Arranging My House: This has been a big one lately. My bedroom was pretty sparse compared to the rest of my house, despite my spending a lot of time in it. I also had another room all set up for work and getting ready for work. Both were seriously depressing me. I turned my "work" room into more of a library and we've been fixing up our bedroom so that it's useful AND fun. Both of these things have been hugely helping me transition from working to being home. I need my environment to reflect my needs or I get very depressed.

Now I just need to save my fun money to get some records to play! I'm looking forward to it.