Self Love

What would you do if you knew today was your last day here alive on earth? Who would you talk to? How would you spend your time?

As someone who has always been unafraid of death, these are questions that go through my head often. "Is this the last time I'll ever see this person again? The last chance to hug them?" 

Everyone in my life whom I love knows just how much I love them. I'm very vocal about it. I hug tightly and let them know in as many ways as I can just how important they are to me.

Am I that important to myself?
I'm working on it.

Self-love is an evolving work in progress for me. As I kid I remember hitting myself, choking myself, biting myself. As a Psychologist I now know these are all common trauma reactions, especially in girls who have experienced SA. So is self hatred. Especially hatred of their bodies.

It has taken me a very long time to turn all of that around. To nurture that young girl and ease her trauma. Now I find self love talk to come easily. I am gentle with myself. However doing what's in my best self interest is still a struggle. 

• How I spend my time.
• Staying on a budget or planning financially for the future.
• Making the healthiest choice for my body.
• Putting my needs first (even before my dogs.)

All of these are a work in progress for me. I've come a long way (baby) but I still have a bit of self love that I want to grow into.

My new Fitbit. An act of self love to invest in my goals.

Just Doing My Best

I'm done with Zepbound. The side effects were too much for me. Bloating, burping, constipation, painfully slow digestion... I felt like I had bariatric surgery. It took away my cravings, which was good and bad. It also dulled my love for food. The enjoyment of eating.

In one way that gave me insight to what "normal" people must feel like. On the other hand I felt sad to have no pleasure of eating. That "spark" was gone. 

When my Nana died I found books and books of weight loss tips, recipes, smoothies, advice, drugs... in her home. She was always a bit plump. Not big, but average. As long as I can remember she was on some kind of weird diet and trying to get all of us to do it too. I remember being given these giant green spirulina pills when I was young. They tasted like swamp goo. And for the record I was not a big kid. Maybe she did it for "health?" 

I was struck with how much of her life she wasted on all of these things that don't matter. Didn't matter. Her clothes size, her belly, her back fat, her "bingo" arms. She was beautiful to me. I was determined in that moment to not let all that "noise" screw with my happiness. The people in my life love me unconditionally, no matter what size I am.

She was perfect just the way she was.

Somehow I had already forgotten that lesson.

I do want to lower my weight for the sake of my joints and muscles. But I am beautiful, stunning and perfect. I don't need any weird food to do it. And it's ok to have ice cream for dinner every once in a while. 

Still Healing

I've been doing Yoga at home and a little bit of meditation lately. As in the last two weeks or so. My special room came along wonderful and is almost complete. It's a great space to do those things in, with my dogs staring at me of course. But that's much better than leaving them for the gym. Although I digress...

My point is that while I was meditating this morning I was trying to open myself up with my mind. Explore my body and see where the tension and pain is and what's causing it. I noticed that I felt very raw inside. Like an M&M but instead of chocolate I am a big, open, void of pain. That really shocked me. I leaned in even more to that feeling and saw it stemmed from the last five years of my disability being so serious. 

My loves, Margo (left) and Max (in the orange shirt)

I tend to gloss over things and move on to the next, on to the next. I tell myself that I sat with feelings and experiences but I think that's often a lie. I'm great at helping others sit with their feelings, but garbage at doing it myself. No shocker there. "Do as I say, not as I do."

I realized when really listening to that void that I am still healing from that experience. Of course I am. It has only been five months! That's what I would tell a client. "Of course you are! Hardly any time has passed at all!"

I've gone from not being able to walk around our neighborhood block to doing it while walking one dog and carrying another (poor sick Max) in a sling. All in five months. That's nothing short of miraculous.

Margo with her favorite toy

But what of all the other things that I can't see. That I'm "glossing over." All the time spent asleep. Those lost hours. Time spent not engaging with the world in the way that I'm used to. Energy spent on mobility challenges. The pain all of that caused both mental and physical. The impact it had on my relationships. On my husband, mother and son. I'm still feeling that.

I like meditation because it's a time to pause and really open myself up. I'm a person who needs time and space for that. 

Yoga makes me stronger and more flexible. But it also puts me in touch with my body. With my pain. And lets me know my limits right then and there.

Together both help me explore this new body of mine with love and intention. It's something I desperately need.

Sleeping Beauty

Reflecting on 2021

 

This year has come with many gains and loses for me. I lost my beloved Nana in mid-November. She was a second mother to me. Even though someone slips from the evil grasps of pain, it's still a loss. I know she's no longer suffering. But I also know I will never see her or hear her sing-song voice again. I kept some voicemails she left for me over the last few years and I'm grateful to have them. She had such an infectious laugh. One of my favorite things about my family as a whole is that we have all maintained our inner child. I can't say that for most people.

I also lost my sweet puppy girl of 16 years, Sweetie. Which I wrote about here. My son moved out of our home in an explosive way. That felt like a loss. And I felt like I finally had time to mourn my lack of ability to work. 

But my life is never just about loss. In fact every time I have a tremendous loss (like no longer being able to work), I also tend to have a huge gain (like my mother moving around the corner from me after being in England). 

So let's talk about my gains this year. 

Right up there with getting my clinicians license is my new fella Max. I worked very hard for that license. It was the climax of my education and training. Two thousand hours of working with clients, suffering through TB treatment, a total hysterectomy, a brain tumor and the start of my Mitochondrial Disease...WOW! For Max to be just as great speaks how important he is to me.

Another bright spot of my year was how much I was able to reconnect with my friends and family. My husband and I had a blast at "Friendsgiving" in November. We saw a lot of family that we missed last year. I had a life-changing heart-to-heart talk with my best friend since first grade. In short, I basked in the company of other people.

I like to think of myself as some kind of "Uber Introvert" who doesn't need the company of other people. But that's a lie I tell to protect myself from feeling rejected. Honestly I love to be around other people. And I'm doing much better at letting my limits be known.

Here are just a few things I want to remember that happened this year that were positive:

• I spent time with my Grandmother-in-law. One of my favorite people in the world.
• I had a lot of laughs with my Mama (just like last year, but it's important to savor those moments.)
• I produced some truly horrible art, but had fun doing it.
• I took some fantastic photos.
• I found new ways to do the things I love (asked for help, waited till later, worked around my disability.)
• I stopped fighting the need for rest.
• I went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium when they were practically empty. A dream come true!
• I saw the Mendocino Botanical Gardens for two days with the love of my life.
• I was finally approved for Whole Genome Sequencing along with my son and mother.
• We built our dream patio, complete with waterfall!
• I got my little room back (once my son left).
• I learned I can drink red wine again with some magical little drops that remove the sulfates. 
• I was kissed and hugged about a million times.
• I got back down to a weight that I feel ok with. Not perfect, but better.

Just looking at this list makes me feel both happy and proud. I love my life, even with its limitations. I am safe, warm, fed and very loved. I wish everyone in the world could say the same. That's my wish for 2022.

Thriving

What is the difference between surviving and thriving? 

I asked myself today "Am I going day to day surviving? Or am I thriving?" The answer is complicated.

First I turned to the all knowing oracle of our times. Google. I think it's fun to ask deep questions and see what pops up. Much like a Magic 8 Ball. "Oooooooh all knowing Google. What lies at the depths of this question..." (((SHAKE SHAKE)))

Surprisingly Google had a good answer. Or make that Empowerwomen.org had a good answer. Although one I don't 100% agree with. "Surviving is doing what is necessary to live." I agree with that part. "A thriving mindset is defined by continually challenging oneself." I'm not sure about that.

To me personally the big difference isn't in challenging myself, but in growth. Surviving is making it from one day to the next intact. I for sure have my survival days. I know I'm not alone. I think of all the people across the world who are simply surviving right now.

However, Like Viktor Frankl I believe it is possible to thrive in any condition, no matter how hard, oppressive and awful. Most days I feel like I am thriving. I'm continually attempting to better myself. Better my health, my mind, my attitude, my relationships with loved ones, my body, my home... Thriving to me personally is a continual growing process into a better and better Antoinette. 

A kinder me who is as healthy as I can be, softer with my words, respectful of others, spending my time on important things, giving people (and pooches) my love, actively listening to others... all of these are things that make me feel like I thrive.

It doesn't have to be travel or a paycheck. I don't have to save lives or run a marathon. I just have to do my best and be my best. I am growing, flourishing, expanding into my own human potential. And I feel like most days I am thriving.

Magical Mermaid Moments

I've always been in love with water. Well, my mother tells of a brief moment when I was a baby screaming so loud in swim class that they politely asked us to leave. But as long as I can remember I've been in love with the water. Maybe that's more accurate? All water. Lakes, the beautiful ocean, ponds, puddles, rain and my beloved swimming pools.

I was a very fortunate child to always have access to a swimming pool. I spent all summer, every summer in my Grandmother's pool. In high school I was even briefly captain of my swim team. Brief because my math grades were so bad they took me off the team. Horribly cruel. I think anyone crazy enough to swim 2 hours before school and 2 hours after school every day should be allowed to be on any team they want. But I digress. 

Water is my second home. I'm always at peace in her embrace. It's a constant wonder to me even still. Every time I slip in to any kind of water I breathe that sweet sigh of release, of being safe and held. We love each other and I'm never tense or frightened, no matter what form she takes.

I'm most fortunate to still have access to a pool during quarantine. I talked about it here when my Mama and I were first able to go in her pool. Since then we try to go as much as we can. Typically 2-3 times a week. Not only do we swim, but we also love to play around like a couple of kids. We laugh endlessly and it nurtures our bodies and spirits. And every single time I tell myself how lucky I am.

Lucky to still be able to swim. To have access to water. To be able to get in and out on my own. To laugh and enjoy my time. Water has always been one of the biggest blessings in my life. Almost like another mother. So there is something good about summer and all the hot weather after all. I'm able to enjoy the water's embrace on a regular basis. 

I AM

When I became disabled I had a very hard time not comparing myself to my "old" able self. It was constant. If I spent time in the garden watering I would tell myself "Well, you USED TO be able to be out here for hours". See what I mean? Comparisons.

Nothing good ever comes from looking behind. It has taken me a very long time but I feel a shift. I think I finally moved past comparing myself to what I used to be able to do. It has been a huge liberation!

I can't pinpoint what caused it. I've been aware of how damaging it is and unhelpful, but I just couldn't stop it. It literally had tentacled its way into every aspect of my life... just like my disability. But unlike my disability it is something I can control.

What helps is being mindful. Fully present in each moment as they come. Not having judgement on my life and what I can and can't do. Just enjoying it for what it is. Once I made that shift in thinking, I was FREE! Free to enjoy my life and each moment as they came. 

So now I AM a person who:

• Can ask for help
• Lets others help me
• Does my best and lets it rest
• Is MUCH happier
• Is seeing the beauty all around me
• Is more confident
• Is less judgmental of others
• Has a lighter heart

Punishment disguised as self-love.

Punishment disguised as self-love

Going out with your friends and pounding back drinks can seem like a good time and a good idea on the surface, but underneath that you're just hurting yourself physically. Or the messages that women get all the time that by applying chemicals to ourselves (hair dye, anti-aging cream, makeup, etc) we're somehow treating ourselves. 

Personally I struggle with over-eating or eating things that don't help my body feel good. At the time I tell myself it's a "treat" or "special" but it only leaves me feeling unwell and at a weight and size that has negative repercussions for me.

Again that's a message we all get in Western culture. "You're worth it!" While a billboard shows someone shoving a massive burger in their face. It's a rare person who would feel that "health food" would be some kind of a treat or reward. 

But when you scrape the surface of most "rewards" you will find they are actually punishments. So how can I break that cycle?

• Patience
• Mindfulness
• Changing my vocabulary around food (like "good" or "bad")
• Find pleasure intrinsically

Mindfulness teaches us that there is no "first pain then pleasure" but instead to find the pleasure in everything. That goes against what we're taught as children and takes a lot of time to re-learn how to do. The example most often given is in washing dishes. Don't rush to "get it over with" but instead really be in that moment.

So perhaps rather than focusing on rewarding myself with things that I know will hurt me in the end I should go slow, be mindful and find the pleasure and reward in every action.

I believe children naturally get this. It's the adults and our society that teach them to rush on from one thing to the next calling some things "work" and others "play." But science shows that when you're rewarded for something you enjoy doing it takes all pleasure and motivation out of wanting to do that thing. Reward actually robs you enjoying that moment.

I'm going to try to be more child-like in my food. Enjoying it for what it is... Food. Not comfort, not a reward, not sex. It's food and that should be enough.