That Sweet Spot

I think I found the sweet spot. I made this venn diagram the other day and it really inspired me. Something clicked in my brain and I've been doing a very good job taking care of my body and making smart choices for myself. Even my cravings have diminished substantially.

 

I really spent time thinking about how my previous big successes could help me make smarter choices for my body and health. Where could they overlap and how could it help me. This was what I found that I need to thrive.

Support: From my family and friends. Everyone to know what I'm trying to accomplish and to check in with me regularly about it. 

My mom and I at our gym post-swim. 
#winning & twinning!

Example: For me to serve as an example to others. I do very well when I have people who look up to me. It's not an ego thing at all. It inspires me to want to do better. I feel more accountable.

Tools: I need the proper tools to thrive. Gym membership. Pool access. Water weights. Swim suit. Trolley to keep all my gym stuff in. Healthy foods that I can plan around.

Smoothie making going on up in here

Goals: I do well with both long term and short term goals. Like my big goal is to weigh 200lbs. But my goal this month was to get under 280 (goal already hit!) My goal this week is to lost 2lbs. My goal every week is to swim 3 days.

Small Steps: This not only applies to exercise, but to eating as well. I tell myself "What's the best choice I can make right in this moment. For this one meal, snack, right now." Then I do it again and again and again. Small pebbles can make a mountain. One grain of sand can make a beach.  

Plan: I can't accomplish anything if I don't have a plan. Meal plans, workout plans, weekend and weekday plans. I do best when I have a concrete plan and then I can modify as I need around it. With no plan I sink quickly and revert to ingrained habits that have been formed over a very long period of time. I'm looking at you Taco Bell.

Rewards: A little something just for me now and then keeps me motivated. Non food rewards of course. Even a small thing like a face mask or lipstick makes me feel good about my hard won battles and new neuro pathways that I've created. It keeps me going. 

This stunning constellation monstera was a little treat for myself. 

Doing it for myself:  I can't accomplish anything if I'm doing it for other people. It took me a while to get to that point when I was quitting smoking. Which is why it wasn't working at first. But when I decided to stop trying to do it for other people and to just do it for myself it clicked. Same with school. At first I was doing it just to get a job. But when I switched and did it for a career that I really wanted it clicked and I flourished. With health I can't lose weight for a trip or a big event. It has to be "just for me."

Patience: I'm AWFUL at being patient. It's one of my big weaknesses. But all of my successes have come with patience. I can't force myself to be successful and accomplish something no more than you can force a flower to bloom or a tree to grow. I can give myself the proper environment and tools for achieving my goals, but I have to just wait to get there. 

Failure is ok: It's through our mistakes that we learn. I firmly believe that. I have made every mistake you can make while trying to do what's best for my body. Setback after setback. And that's ok. I'm allowed to start over and over and over. A lot of life is like that. It's never too late to keep trying (unless you're dead.) And thank goodness I'm not quite there yet. 

 

Willpower my ass

So here's the thing. I have always had very good willpower as an adult. I achieved three college degrees in about ten years despite my ADD, contracting TB and taking my license examination during the beginning of COVID with a migraine in a wheelchair. I have willpower.

So why is having willpower with food so hard?

Addictions are different than other "accomplishment" based achievements in my experience. I once quit smoking and it was incredibly hard. I also "failed" many times before being able to stop for good. Now if I have even a drag I get an asthma attack and headache right away. It's almost like my body became allergic to them.

Staying in school was also very hard. There were many many times I doubted I could do it. When I became ill it was an even larger challenge. But I knew the finish line was close.

That's the thing. I usually do my best when there are small steps along the way. Read this book, ace this test, excel at that class, graduate and move up. Repeat till goal is reached. Fully licensed with Masters in counseling psychology. Goal achieved!

Why can't I do the same with weight loss?
Hit the gym today to work out in the pool with weights. Go back three days a week. Lose 5lbs. Repeat. Maybe because I also have to watch what I eat, when I eat, how much I eat. On top of working out? Hmmmm. But the goals are still small and (pun intended) digestible. 

I tried making a weight loss chart before with small goals and dates. That didn't work before. Tried portion control cups and plates. Naaaah. Prepared meals delivered to your door. Too expensive and not for us. Vegan, Vegetarian, Mediterranean, Atkins, high carb, low carb, no carb, pills, shots... You get the idea. So far nothing has really "clicked" for me.

Even my health wasn't the best motivator. My cravings and not so great habits are very strong. My addiction is very strong. I need to re-wire my brain and how I think about food. Fuel not food.  

I also do better when I'm accomplishing hard things with other people. A workout class, swim partner (my momma), making healthy food with my husband... Even better if I'm the best at it or an inspiration to others. Hello ego! I didn't see you hiding there. Even in school I would have "school friends" to go through classes or semesters with. 

Like school I just need to find a pattern. A key to what works for me beyond willpower. Because I don't see that as my main issue. I just don't think I've found what works for me yet. But I'm confident that I will. 

1 week update on Wegovy 1.5mg

I'm writing this while eating lavender lemon cookies that my mom and I made for Easter. How do you spell ironic again?

I've been on the new Wegovy pill for exactly 11 days. Today is day 11. Here's the good and the bad:

GOOD

• I have noticed I think about food much less overall.
• I have way fewer cravings. I'd say about 99% less.
• I don't have that "blocked up feeling" anymore.
• It's easier to take than the shot was.
• It's half the price of the shot. $149 vs $300 for the same supply.
• It has made me think more about what I eat and how much. Especially during the day.
• Overall I think I'm eating less than I used to. 
  
  
  
  So good, but so bad.

BAD

• I can still eat as much as I want. It's still hard to stop eating.
• It doesn't help my nighttime appetite. 
•  If I eat too much "rich food" at night I get acid reflux (when I didn't used to.)
• I think my constipation is a bit worse. (I had it before this too, so it's hard to say.)
• It's still very expensive.
• I think the effects are getting slowly less impactful. I feel like I need a higher dose for it to be more effective.
• The first three days I took it I did have that "blocked up" feeling.
• My weight isn't budging.
• If it's in front of me, I'll still eat it.

I will keep on with it, but I'm going to ask my doctor for a higher dose soon. Or if I can take 1 1/2 pills or even two.

On the plus side since I started it I stopped eating all the Easter candy I bought for the kids. That's an accomplishment! 

See how I put them all right next to the scale? Sneaky!

 

 

Asked for Help

I've definitely been feeling stronger and having more stamina since returning to the gym. I walked the dogs yesterday. A walk that I could barely do a month ago. One that left me in a lot of pain was suddenly (dare I say) EASY for me. I've also been able to stand still longer. Something that was incredibly difficult for me just a little bit ago.

Back in November I was seriously worried I would need to use my big chair again. Not that that's a bad thing. But it just means my muscles were very weak and I was feeling like I might need the extra help. We started bringing my travel chair with us wherever we went.  

All of this is leading me to weight loss.
I'm not going to the gym for weight loss. But to be stronger, more flexible, keep my muscles from atrophy and for my mental health. It's a special time set aside just for me and my body.

But I'm also not stupid. I know that the less weight I have, the less strain on my already compromised joints and muscles. 

My food craving have been just horrible as well. You would think the more I indulged them the quieter they would get? But I really think the opposite is true. So I asked my doctor for help (now I sound like one of those awful commercials.)

 My beautiful $149 pill bottle 
(with personal information omitted)

But I really did though. I asked if I could try the new Wegovy weight loss pill. All the others until now have been injections. I did try Zepbound injection a while back. The side effects were awful. I just felt like my digestion completely stopped.

I'm hoping that the brand and delivery change will be helpful. So far I have noticed a bit more burping and farting. But then again I am old. Hahahah. My doctor said she only had one other patient on it and that they were doing very well. The pharmacy told me that I'm the first for them and I'm to report back how it goes. So I'm a bit of a pioneer.

 LOTS of warning labels, but this aint my first rodeo.

Last night I had bad dry mouth. But that could have been from my fan blowing right in my face or allergies. I get dry mouth a lot, but it hasn't been that bad since I took Baclofen three times a day for muscle pain.

I hate to say it, but at 3:30 when I couldn't go back to sleep I paid the Devil his due (Amazon) and signed up for a one month prime membership. Just so I could get my dry mouth tablets (Zylomelt) delivered next day. I needed them bad for tonight. I'm not doing that again. Although I HATE giving the big A any money, my health needs come first.

 My nightly ritual

I was a bit stunned to learn you have to take Wegovy in a very specific way. First thing in the morning with 4oz of water exactly. Then you must stay upright for 30min. You can't eat or drink anything while the drug is absorbed in your stomach.

I measure out my water the night before and set the bottle next to it. Right after I take it I set a timer for 30min and keep myself busy. Blog, walk the dogs, write in my journal, tidy up. Man when that alarm goes off I am READY for coffee and water.

You're also supposed to have tiny meals, the first one being bland. Like a dry piece of toast or crackers or something. I'm already finding myself eating very small meals through the day. I think that could have been one of my mistakes on Zepbound. I didn't change my eating at all, then all that food just clogged up my gut.

Like the pharmacy, I'll report how it goes. 
Today is day 3. 

 

How Summer's Going

Summer 2025 is more than half over and it's going very well. The less animal products I eat the better I feel physically. I'm also have a lot less pain, especially at night. This is a huge leap from the person I used to be. Someone who would lay in bed at night and cry from the pain. 

I very quickly went from using a motor cart to shop to not even using my handicapped parking. And this...

I haven't seen the dimple in my "bad leg" in at least six years. It's usually always swollen no matter what I do. But now it's almost as strong as the other one. I've been biking and swimming, so I'm sure that combined with my diet is why.

This is how I feel. Like I'm "almost me again." It's the best feeling in the world.

I've been pushing myself, but paying close attention to my limits. I did a mile and a half walk with my husband yesterday and made 10,000 steps for the first time since I became ill.

Right now I eat a vegetarian diet with minimal dairy. And the dairy I do eat is usually fermented, like yogurt. I use oat milk in my smoothie and just eat a lot of Buddha bowls and Mexican with no cheese. The biggest dairy I eat is eggs, which don't seem to bother me.

I've gone from riding my wheelchair to the pool to swim with my mom to riding my electric bike! And yes, I do peddle. 

I work out with pool noodles and water weights about three days a week.

Another accomplishment this summer, no fear of being in the pool alone.

My mom observed that both of us usually feel our best during the summer. I agree. I think I am the most physically active, despite the horrible heat. I also tend to naturally eat a bit lighter and not quite as much.

I have felt hungry almost every night in bed. But I'm down to 281, which is a big deal for me. I'll be so happy to break through the 280's. What a wonderful summer of success!

Medical Scare

 

My mom just returned home from the hospital after being there for a harrowing six days. She was vomiting and having diarrhea and couldn't eat a single thing for 15 days. It was awful. She was diagnosed with kidney stones, gallstones, an enlarged pancreas,  two small hernias, fatty liver disease, diverticulitis of the colon and a UTI. Because everything else just wasn't enough. 

This is the third time in five years she's gone to the emergency room and been admitted. Fortunately this is the first time she didn't require surgery. It was very stressful, all the unknowns and I just felt so awful for her and helpless.

At times like this I'm reminded that the one thing I can do and can control is what I'm putting in and doing with my own body. Seeing her health scares me. Being a plus size woman myself, it makes me want to try and lose some weight to hopefully avoid some of these future issues.

The good that came out of it was that I was inspired me to re-double, triple, quadruple my efforts to try and treat myself with tender loving care. Feed myself good food. Move as much as I can. Rest when I need to. Spend my time mindfully. All fantastic reminders.

In the past I've wanted lose weight for a very specific goal. A trip usually. Or special event. Then I "cheat" because I'm on vacation, it's a special holiday, we have company, there's a birthday party, etc... There always seems to be an excellent excuse to eat anything I want.

This time I'm taking it minute by minute and trying to make the best choices for myself. For my body. For my health. For my future. Rather than indulging for the "Now."

Just Doing My Best

I'm done with Zepbound. The side effects were too much for me. Bloating, burping, constipation, painfully slow digestion... I felt like I had bariatric surgery. It took away my cravings, which was good and bad. It also dulled my love for food. The enjoyment of eating.

In one way that gave me insight to what "normal" people must feel like. On the other hand I felt sad to have no pleasure of eating. That "spark" was gone. 

When my Nana died I found books and books of weight loss tips, recipes, smoothies, advice, drugs... in her home. She was always a bit plump. Not big, but average. As long as I can remember she was on some kind of weird diet and trying to get all of us to do it too. I remember being given these giant green spirulina pills when I was young. They tasted like swamp goo. And for the record I was not a big kid. Maybe she did it for "health?" 

I was struck with how much of her life she wasted on all of these things that don't matter. Didn't matter. Her clothes size, her belly, her back fat, her "bingo" arms. She was beautiful to me. I was determined in that moment to not let all that "noise" screw with my happiness. The people in my life love me unconditionally, no matter what size I am.

She was perfect just the way she was.

Somehow I had already forgotten that lesson.

I do want to lower my weight for the sake of my joints and muscles. But I am beautiful, stunning and perfect. I don't need any weird food to do it. And it's ok to have ice cream for dinner every once in a while. 

It All Broke Loose

Uh Oh.

Day 2 went really good, but night the night time. At around 10PM I literally shit the bed. I had horrible diarrhea like I've never had before. Never in my life have I been unable to get to the toilet in time. I'm not sure if that speaks to my mito disease, or how bad it came on.

It lasted about 20hrs. I think it was because I was so scared of getting seriously constipated. I had put Metamucil in my protein drink, drank laxative tea twice a day and even took a stool softener. So now we know what happens when you make foolish choices like that. Nothing good. Nothing good happens my friend.

I was very lucky that my mom e-mailed me and reminded me about the large sanitary pads that she gave me years ago. I knew right where they where. They were a huge life saver! I don't know what I would have done without it. Maybe just camped out on the toilet for hours and hours. Ugh.

I seriously need to be more careful with what I put into my body especially. 

Pun intended. That was shitty.

Zepbound Day 1

As I mentioned in a previous blog I'm trying out the new weight loss injection Zepbound. I did my first dose last night before bed. I had some minor nausea, but then I was quickly asleep. 

I was warned by the doctor to be careful with how much fat and fiber I eat. Lots of fiber, very little fat.

Unfortunately my poor stressed out husband just got his labs back and they showed his blood sugars are back in the "diabetic" zone. So now is a very good time for both of us to change our ways. 

For breakfast I made myself a protein shake. In it was...

1 cup of each:
Orange juice
Oat milk
Frozen mixed berries

1 small banana

2 scoops chocolate protein powder

1 scoop of each:
Metamucil
Raw coco powder
Ground flax

Lastly 1/2 a scoop of Collagen (It makes the shake slimy so I can't use much of it.)

It tastes like a chocolate covered strawberry to me. Not bad at all. Just a bit gritty. 

That made 2 pints. I drank one and put the other in the fridge for tomorrow.

With this I'm having "Smooth Move" organic tea for constipation. Yes, herbal tea instead of coffee. I hope all this doesn't give me the opposite problem. Hahah.

Protein shake, tea and water.

I just got a new tattoo, so a lot of protein is important. Same with reducing my calories.

It's chicken salad for dinner. Wish me luck!

My new shark tattoo

Weight Loss Tug of War

I had a doctor's appointment today. It was rare for me because it had nothing to do with my mitochondrial disease or migraines. I wanted to talk about weight loss.

I've been going from 298 to 285 back and forth for years now. I think the lowest I've been able to get is around 273. And that's been a hot minute. I was down to 263 about 10 years ago. Neither of those are amazing numbers though. I really should be closer to 200-220. Even though the medical industry would likely say more like 190.

As I told the doctor today. I've done it all in the past. Weight Watchers, Lean Cuisines, Therapy, Journaling, Blogging, Reading soooooo many books, Meetings, Workshops, Dieticians... Ugh. I told him I've been overweight for about 25 years now and I need some help.

My mom just started an injectable called Zepbound. He said he thought that could help me too. (No. I'm not getting any kickback for this.) My insurance has to approve it first, but he's pretty positive that they will. 

My Friend's Coconut Wedding Cake Yesterday.

Beyond AMAZING!

I'm hoping to get:

• Cravings under control
• Feeling fuller with less food
• Fewer hunger pains when limiting food
• Past that "hump" of the 280's
• Help to kick start my weight loss
  
  

I'm concerned about:

• Constipation
• My system already being slow now going slower
• More fatigue
• Other side effects

Although I'm not excited about another injectable, I am feeling optimistic. I'm going to journal a lot and try to keep an open mind. I hope this helps not just me, but my mom as well. 

Who do you want to be?

One of the things I love most about life (and there are many) is the chance to constantly re-invent yourself. It is literally never too late. You choose, for the most part, who you are. Who you want to be. Do you want to be a good parent? Do you want to be a scholar? A partner to someone? Adopt animals or children? Start a non-profit? Put out fires? What kind of person are you? You choose.

My newborn son's footprints. 1/23/94

This extends somewhat to the appearance you show the world. Do you chose to be a flaming redhead, or maybe a blonde. Do you only wear black with spikes on your shoes and metal chains? Do you wear no makeup at all and let your natural beauty shine through.

My Masters graduation. 2017

Of course by now we all know that there are many conditions that make it very difficult to manage weight. Hypothyroidism is one of them. I have it, so does my mother and son. My grandfather also had it. On top of that I'm over 50 and disabled, which makes the challenges all the larger. But it's not impossible.

The choices I make literally make me. 
I chose to be a stay at home mom. I have a huge "caring for others" streak that is essential to my person. I chose to go back to school and then to become a therapist. I chose to get married (one of the best decisions I ever made.) 

"
2013. Me not knowing how beautiful I was. I am.

Every moment of every day I make some kind of choice. I chose to sit down and write this blog.

Food is a difficult choice for me. I tend to be obsessive when I make a big change. Buying tools I feel like I'll need to succeed. Re-arranging my environment to best support my whopping new goal. It's the ADD in me and also a way I try to control things that are difficult to control.

I'm trying to make better food choices and to battle my addiction to food. I can feel that monster getting bigger. If I don't address it now it will take over my life, my mobility and my health. I don't choose that. 

Me in Iceland. 2014

Are you a mini or a maxi?

I've been a massive maximalist most of my life. But deep down inside has always been a minimalist dying to come out.

I'm a maximalist in all ways. Spending, decorating, buying clothes for my dogs, eating, loving people. It's very easy for me to go way over the top in all areas of my life. My husband will ask me if I want something now, or later? Both is always my answer. Did I want to go on a trip for our 30th anniversary or get a nice piece of jewelry? Both of course. Would I like the appetizer or dessert? Uhhhh BOTH!

See the pattern? 

Restraint, budgeting, minimalism, living withing my means, decorating within the boarders of my walls... nope. Big no to all of that.

I'm an expert money spender!

2025 is knocking. It's the perfect time for reflection and change.

1 - I want to be much less of a consumer. Both with my wallet and my mouth.

2- I want to de-clutter my environment. Donations and Ebay selling are the best way to purge.

3- I want to be more on top of my finances. As long as I'm not working (and I don't think that's changing soon) I feel I need to be more responsible about my budget.

4- Be out in nature more. 

5- Be more active with the dogs & take them out with me more. That always takes a ton of spoons, but I feel it is very worth it.

I also want to embrace new ways to self sooth that don't involve hurting myself (by over-eating or by over-spending.)

WHEW! That's a big list. Notice how "weight loss" isn't there?

When I put pressure on myself by turning my focus on that, I fail. I'm tired of failing, so I'm not making it a goal right now. My hope is by trying to do a better job of taking care of myself and simplifying my surroundings, other things will fall into place.

Happy New Year.

I wish nothing but amazing things for us in 2025.

I Am A Self Sabotager

I feel like I need to go to a support group for self sabotagers and people with eating disorders.

"My name is Antoinette and I'm a self-sabotager."

"HI ANTOINETTE!"

I mean seriously.

What is wrong with me?

I know I'm far from alone when it comes to self sabotaging, but I also feel like I have more on the line than a lot of people. Or do I? Smokers smoke themselves to death all the time. But I don't want to eat myself into a wheelchair. I really don't.

The feelings...

I feel huge.

I feel like I'm making my pain worse.

I feel like my food choices are making me weaker.

I feel like a failure for not eating what and how I should to make myself well.

I feel like I'm punishing myself over and over again, but I don't know why.

I feel scared that I can't do it.

I feel confused why I keep doing this to myself.

The facts...

I'm not "huge."

I "could" be making my pain worse. It's not a fact.

I need to make better food choices for my health.

The bad choices I am currently making are contributing to my health, for good or for bad.

I have been working out. (I feel proud about that.)

Every time I eat is a new chance to change and improve my choices.

I'm not alone, everyone self sabotages, don't be so hard on yourself.

"Self-sabotage often serves as a coping mechanism that people use to deal with stressful situations and past traumas. Unfortunately, it typically makes problems worse and limits a person's ability to successfully move forward in a healthy way."

-VeryWellMind on Self Sabotage. Click for more.

Food is my "self medication" of choice. Drug of choice. I love the taste of food with a lot of preservatives. All that fat, sugar and salt. Yum! When given a chance that's my go-to. Frozen food. Fast food. Diner American style food. Whoooo Mama. Gimmie that pie and cinnamon buns for dessert too.

I love to eat this way. 

And "love" is hard to walk away from.

It's an addication.

But I have to love myself more than the food.

Isn't that what it comes down to for all addicts? You have to love yourself enough to want to change. And it's not like you change once and you're done. I have to choose to change at least three times a day, plus dessert. I can't just put down my drug and walk away. I have to change and change and change and change.

I need stamina, grit, determination, focus, willpower and strength. And I need it all of the time.

If that's really what I want. Like 'three wishes genie' want. Then that's what I need to get there. That and endless amounts of self love with the ability to put myself first.

Food Addiction

It's very hard for me to pinpoint when food became my drug of choice. It wasn't always so for me. I think it was when my son was first getting diagnosed with Autism and my husband was working incredibly long hours. That feels right. 

When hard things happen to people it's common to form an addiction to cope with the stress. Drinking, drugs, gambling, sex/porn and food can all become addictions. But food is the hardest one to overcome because we can never just stop eating.

Cheers to not over eating. 

Enough "we" and back to "I." I struggle with portion control, eating too infrequently and choosing high calorie foods. I adore fast food, even though I don't have it that often (for an American.) I would happily eat two box's of macaroni and cheese for dinner every night if I just let myself totally indulge. 

A dream day of eating for me with no consequences would be doughnuts for breakfast, Taco Bell for lunch and mac n' cheese for dinner with some kind of pie or brownie for dessert. (((GASP!))) Just awful.

I never really had a big sweet tooth until recently. Sugar is absolutely a drug. The more I have the more I want. I think about what I'm going to eat next while I'm eating. I love to watch cooking shows while I eat so I can watch other people eating too. I'm incredibly suggestive to food. If someone even says something like "ice cream" then I'll want it terribly.

This is hard, serious work.

My "serious" face.

I've been fighting my food addiction for about 25 years now. I do well for a little bit, then go right back to what I was doing. The wonderful thing about overcoming something is that you never run out of chances (while you're alive of course. Then, game over.) I don't want to lose weight to conform to some kind of idea of what I should look like. I want to lose weight to hopefully lesson my pain. And because being strong feels really good.

Many members of my family also have food addiction issues. About three generations worth. Those who didn't had other addictions. Is being addicted to something part of being human? Are we just unable to resist temptation? What is that about?

Here's what I did TODAY to help myself and heal myself rather than hurt myself.

• I used my new food tracking app.
• I put my FitBit back on.
• I walked the dogs.
• I played with my dogs.
• I ate thoughtfully and carefully.
• I ate when I was hungry.
• I made a healthy dinner this morning so it's all ready for us. 
• I bought some healthy snacks to try.
• I wrote about my thoughts and feelings.

I know how to feed my dogs.

But it's much harder when it comes to me.

Possible Answers

Yesterday my doctor let me know that my latest genetic testing came back with something. She said I have a mutation on my HADHA gene, but that I'm just a carrier. She thinks that I'm a "symptomatic carrier" (who knew there was such a thing!?)

The treatment for this disorder is to not eat anything that's a "long chain fatty acid" as my body possibly can't process it. And don't fast.

(Click to see images bigger)

I felt very happy to possibly have some answers. We knew it was a Mitochondrial disorder, but not particularly which one other than the COQ10 processing gene being mutated. She said "This is the first test to come back with a definitive mitochondrial link." A missing piece of the puzzle being clicked into place.

So with that news and my wanting to lose weight anyway my eating is about to undergo a huge change.

I did a lot of research and this is what I found out. I really wish there was a "Short chain fatty acid cookbook." Sadly people don't eat like that. Basically a Vegan diet without soy is the best. Super lean meat seems ok. Not for all the time but occasionally.

I used to be Vegan years ago. I remember being hungry a lot and missing burgers. Ha ha. But ethically it felt really good.

There are a lot of gourmet beans on the market. I can splurge on those. Same with rice. So many kinds to chose from. Summer is the perfect time for lovely fruits and veg. I'm lucking I didn't find this out in the dead of winter.

My hope is that I can halt my disease or even reverse some of it. I barely dare to let myself dream of a healthy normal life full of nature hikes and sex. In no particular order.

(Thanks Mom for the wonderful collage!)

Junk in my trunk

I am a woman with a lot of junk in my trunk. Thick thighs, legs for days and a tummy as warm as a pet Shar Pei. But I'm not happy with my weight. My weight has gone up and down with the same 20lbs for about 5 years now. And I have felt like I wanted to lose close to 100lbs honestly for about 20 years now. That's a very long time.

I'm trying to remember when the last time was that I was content with my size. I think I must have been around 10 years old. That's very sad. 

When I was healthy I used to try and focus more on my strength and less on a number. I did Zumba, swam and lifted light weights at our local gym. I also gardened a lot. Like hard core digging mulch piles kind of gardening. Not delicately planting flowers on my hands and knees. I would say I was "moderately" physical. I even tried running a few times.

Now days I do as much as I can when I can, which sadly adds up to very little. That means what I eat needs to count. Also with my disease comes nutrient use issues. My body doesn't process energy well. I've been told to eat little, often with a focus on protein. But do I listen? Not really.

My muscles need a break. My weighing what I do does my struggling body no favors. I know that. But over eating is a very strong addiction. I love food! I love to eat. The more the better. If I have a small plate of food in front of me I feel confused, irritated, deprived, annoyed, anxious... If I have a lot of food in front of me I feel happy, taken care of, comforted, nurtured, spoiled... Food has a lot of emotional connections for me. It's not just "fuel" for my body. 

Portion size isn't my only challenge. Eating frequently is also hard for me.

Looking back at my other food blogs I feel like I had the enthusiasm in spades. The planning was definitely there. So why do I keep failing at this one thing?

Unlike other addictions you can't just stop eating. This makes it harder than most to control. To completely change my relationship with food is obviously a gigantic struggle. Do I minimize my relationship with food and the level of my addiction? I think so. I can make all the positive slogans, lists and plans that I want to. But until I tackle my base level relationship with food I just won't change.

My lunch today.
I'm trying again.

What do I want from 2022

I love January. It feels fresh and new. Like pajamas smelling sweet and clean from the dryer. The year is ripe with potential and anything feels possible. 

I was reflecting and asking myself this morning, "What do I want out of 2022?" Sometimes I think I know what my goals are, but are they really MY goals? Or just goals that society inflicts upon me?

This year marks the third year that I've been unable to work. That feels like a long time. A big deal. Then I remind myself that working on myself IS VERY HARD WORK! It takes all of my time every day just to live. What my doctor calls "tasks of daily living." They are a challenge for me.

So here's WHAT I WANT out of 2022:

• Continue asking questions and pushing my medical team for the best care there is.
  
  
• Keep on keepin on with the weight loss and healthy eating. 
  
  
• Be there as much as I can be mentally for my family and friends.
  
  
• Carve out time for social connectedness in real life (as much as is safe to do and as much as I can do.)
  
  
• Help Max meet his great puppy potential for a full and happy life (free of anxiety).
  
  
• Develop the remains of our front yard garden and completely finish that project.

Growing & Shrinking

Growth isn't linear. That's something I remind myself of constantly. It's actually a lot like grief. I will have times of great growth, times of dormancy and times of regression. It's not a beautiful upward swoosh like a Nike logo. It's more like that hair ball clogging your drain. And it can feel that way at times too.

I've lost 24lbs since early June of this year. As of today. As of right now. That number goes up and down at times, but it's on a trend that I like. Each of those pounds has felt like a Herculean effort on my part. Resisting a parade of temptations (and sometimes giving in), swimming as much as I can, weighing myself weekly, then every few days, then daily, then every few days, then weekly... It's a dance that I'm doing with myself. Sometimes light on my feet, other times stepping on my own toes.

I always read that it's harder to lose weight the older you get as your metabolism goes. Back when I was "healthy" it was hard for me to lose weight because of my sluggish raisin of a thyroid. Even with synthetic replacement. Add a mitochondrial disease on top that hugely affects my energy and muscle ability and I was in for a bigger challenge than I realized.

Hence the drain clog of a process. Up and down and all around, back upon itself. But it is change. And I feel a lot of pride. I've lost a small toddler so far! Only a full adult to go. 

I see myself being pleased with about 82 more pounds lost, but I'll see how it feels.

I have vacillated between being a happy, thick adult woman and wishing to be a thinner version of myself my entire adult life. There's an important distinction there because I've never wished to be anyone other than me. Not even when I had a brain tumor and started to need the help of a wheelchair. Social media doesn't give me FOMO or make me covet other women's looks. Rather it gives me an appreciation for the feminine diversity and makes me even happier in my skin than I was before. 

Any desire to be thinner has always come down to health for me. In the past I would notice things such as my lack of stamina going up stairs. Joint pain or muscle pain after doing a Zumba fitness class. How I felt I should and could be more flexible. That hit an all time high with my mitochondrial disease. 

Self sympathy played a big part in my weight staying higher than I like once I had compromised mobility and muscle use. I told myself that if I couldn't have an orgasm I could have a massive Taco Bell feast or a whole batch of rice crispy treats. Not that I had those things very often. My big problem was just eating too many calories on a regular basis. Not particularly anything unhealthy regularly.

And then there was COVID. Everyone I know gained weight during 2020. I was no exception. But when I passed 300lbs red alarm bells went off in my head. I had come to a crossroads. Was I going to be a life-long big woman who would eat what I wanted and not worry about the consequences? I have many friends who have chosen this path and they are very happy. They look stunning! But I knew it wasn't for me.

The more weight and pressure I put on my joints and muscles, the unhealthier I personally am because of my disease. My body has to work that much harder to maintain any mobility and I have a lot more pain. I couldn't do that to myself. I love myself more than the liberated feeling I get from being able to eat what I want.

I want to feel as good as I feel in the water, on land. This can only happen with weight loss. A serious amount of weight loss. I'm fine with going slow, not going in a linear direction, but I have a destination in sight. I want to be a might lighter version of myself, for myself. For my health and for all of my muscles.