I Am A Self Sabotager

I feel like I need to go to a support group for self sabotagers and people with eating disorders.

"My name is Antoinette and I'm a self-sabotager."

"HI ANTOINETTE!"

I mean seriously.

What is wrong with me?

I know I'm far from alone when it comes to self sabotaging, but I also feel like I have more on the line than a lot of people. Or do I? Smokers smoke themselves to death all the time. But I don't want to eat myself into a wheelchair. I really don't.

The feelings...

I feel huge.

I feel like I'm making my pain worse.

I feel like my food choices are making me weaker.

I feel like a failure for not eating what and how I should to make myself well.

I feel like I'm punishing myself over and over again, but I don't know why.

I feel scared that I can't do it.

I feel confused why I keep doing this to myself.

The facts...

I'm not "huge."

I "could" be making my pain worse. It's not a fact.

I need to make better food choices for my health.

The bad choices I am currently making are contributing to my health, for good or for bad.

I have been working out. (I feel proud about that.)

Every time I eat is a new chance to change and improve my choices.

I'm not alone, everyone self sabotages, don't be so hard on yourself.

"Self-sabotage often serves as a coping mechanism that people use to deal with stressful situations and past traumas. Unfortunately, it typically makes problems worse and limits a person's ability to successfully move forward in a healthy way."

-VeryWellMind on Self Sabotage. Click for more.

Food is my "self medication" of choice. Drug of choice. I love the taste of food with a lot of preservatives. All that fat, sugar and salt. Yum! When given a chance that's my go-to. Frozen food. Fast food. Diner American style food. Whoooo Mama. Gimmie that pie and cinnamon buns for dessert too.

I love to eat this way. 

And "love" is hard to walk away from.

It's an addication.

But I have to love myself more than the food.

Isn't that what it comes down to for all addicts? You have to love yourself enough to want to change. And it's not like you change once and you're done. I have to choose to change at least three times a day, plus dessert. I can't just put down my drug and walk away. I have to change and change and change and change.

I need stamina, grit, determination, focus, willpower and strength. And I need it all of the time.

If that's really what I want. Like 'three wishes genie' want. Then that's what I need to get there. That and endless amounts of self love with the ability to put myself first.

ADHD Follow Up

I had my long awaited psychiatrist appointment yesterday for my ADD. I didn't care for her very much, but I'd still say it went well. 

It ended up being a tele-visit which wouldn't be my first choice for a full assessment. Whatever platform she was on kept having buffering issues and I lost visual on her frequently. Not super professional. She was very serious and didn't seem to care much about building rapport with me. 

At first she also took issue with me having my husband in the room. She said "I need to ask you some very sensitive questions." Well, we're married, so there's nothing he doesn't know about me? It was very strange. I would openly talk about anything in front of my husband. 

This kind of attitude just perpetuates stigma around mental health struggles and I hate it. We all need to be comfortable talking about our mental and physical health with people we love and care about. Especially those closest to us. Not just closet ourselves off. 

So, you can tell I felt strongly about that.

What I did like about her is she was very thorough in her questions and she wants to be cautious with medication. I appreciate that. She's consulting with the head of her department because she doesn't know much about mitochondrial disease and I'm on some medications that can make dosage challenging if I'm going to try some ADD medication.

The medications we're considering are Guanfacine, Strattera and Ritalin. She's not sure about putting me on a stimulant because of my heart. Another could lower my already low blood pressure and the last could cause my vertigo and migraines to be worse. Greeeeeaaaaat. She tried to reassure me that heart attacks from Ritalin are very very rare. I told her I don't like to play the "rare" game.

So I'm not sure I'm going to end up taking anything for my ADD. We'll see. I'm in no hurry. I have a follow up with her on Tuesday.

Me & My ADHD

I don't think I've ever discussed having ADHD here, which is odd. I guess my body took importance over my brain.

I was diagnosed about 20 years ago. My husband and I were participating in a research study about relationships. One of the tests was staring into each others eyes and not speaking while our vitals were monitored for a full minute. I couldn't do it. All of my vitals were high and my mind was racing a mile a minute. That was the "aha" moment for me that something was off. (My husband had zero problems doing the test. He doesn't have ADD.)

I went to the doctor and she asked me a few questions then said "Yup. Would you like to try some medication."

When I first tried ADD medication my mind was blown. It's like when you get glasses and go "Oh! So this is what other people see?" I felt like "Oh! No wonder people can go to school and have jobs and function. Is this what a typical brain is like?" I doubt it was, but for me it was a vast improvement.

Here are my ADHD symptoms that I have always struggled with:

• Racing thoughts that jump around and make it very hard to...
• Focus. I'm either hyper focused or struggling to focus.
• Exhaustion (my whole life.)
• Sensory issues, especially auditory.
• Being hyper organized or feeling panicked if I'm not.
• Losing track of time and dates.
• Can't remember people's names (that got much worse after brain surgery.)
• Lose interest in things easily (that has improved with age though)
• Rush through tasks.
• Making friends easily but struggling to maintain friendships.
• Cutting people off easily.
• Self harm (as a child)
• "Daydreaming" (it's just my noisy head)
• Losing items (improved with age)
• Impulsivity. Purple hair? Sure! Move all the furniture in the house? Why not! This has always been a huge struggle for me.

As a kid my teachers always said I "March to the beat of her own drummer" or comment that I "Daydream in class excessively." I think part of that was being super smart and bored. The other part I know was ADD. I've always been "fidgety" but not physically hyper.

When I was older I cut school a lot and "engaged in risky behaviors" for sure. I hated school and couldn't wait to move on. When I did move on I would go from one job to the next almost monthly. I tired easily of jobs and was bored by most of them. I craved frequent stimulation both mental and physical.

Now days my ADD mostly shows up as horribly racing thoughts and my inability to focus. I jump from one task to another usually without completing the one I started. It's not a good feeling and it makes it hard to finish things.

It's also very hard for me to read. Just to keep my eyes on the page or on the line is a big challenge for me. It's easier on my phone, but still not as easy as it should be. 

Starting and finishing a task is very hard. I have to force myself.

Relationships are still a challenge for me. Not my marriage, but with others. I get offended or hurt very easily. I have to actively work on my reactions and emotions. Luckily with time this has become a bit easier, but it's still an issue.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow to talk to her about starting back up on some ADHD medication. I haven't taken anything in about 10 years. I found it very helpful for a long time, but I didn't want to be dependent on it forever. It was a good tool to show me new ways of doing things though. I feel like my ADHD has been worse of late and I don't know why. But I'm ready to ask for help and get a little relief.

The next big project

One good thing about being home rather than working 40 hours a week is that it has afforded us the time to get some lingering home projects done. So far we've had our leaky kitchen sink replaced, the dry rot facia boards in the front of our house replaced, our front door fixed (complete with door handle that was falling off) and most recently our tub re-calked. My husband proudly installed the shower grab bars himself!

The next project we have up is a big exciting one. We're getting cement work done to form a ramp to our front door. Right now the lip to our front door is 3 inches. Even my six wheel tank of a chair "Dory" can't take that on. We also have a useless flower bed taking up space making the walkway to our door tight for a chair. 

Two lips into the front door.

We like to use our tiny front patio for coffee when the weather is nice and it would be fun to expand that out to make it larger. This would helpfully cut down on some of our garden size and hopefully make it more manageable too. 

Then the driveway will be expanded to better fit both our new wheelchair van and our Kia Soul. We have a useless little weed patch that takes up a good portion that will be cemented over giving us more space. 

Weed patch taking up driveway space.

Not for long weeds!

All those cracks will get patched too.

Thanks California earthquakes.

Here's the wonky flower patch with old bricks. 

You can see the tiny patio too. 

I'm hoping to make ALL of this cement.

Now that we took on the wheelchair van payments I do have to be very careful with our projects. After the cement our last big one will be our fence. It's literally falling down on one side and patched all over on the other. Considering we live between an in-home daycare center and a bunch of college kids (neither were there when we bought our house) a good, tall fence is very important to my mental health. Especially being home as much as I am. Anything we can do to cut down the noise is a medical necessity. Heck! I should be able to write it off on my taxes!!!

Depression and Chronic Illness - One Year Later

Last April I shared some tips on ways that I help myself with Chronic Illness and Depression. But sometimes that's just not enough. Last July I had a few weeks where I just couldn't stop crying. I was about to start a new job that wanted me to work 40 hours a week and was struggling with illnesses that then still had no name (now I know it was a brain tumor, Metabolic Myopathy and Rheumatoid Arthritis.) I talked with my doctor and he put me on Cymbalta. That helped my mild depression and my joint pain. Things were good. 

Fast forward to today and I'm feeling the fog of depression again. I'm feeling numb to things I should feel engaged in, everything feels hard like I'm running through molasses (and I'm not talking physically, but mentally and emotionally.) I feel sad and things at work that are usually easy are becoming hard. I sometimes think about being dead and how lovely it would be (but not to worry, I'm not suicidal. There's a difference.) I feel overwhelmed and exhausted mentally. 

I think these are very common feelings when one is struggling with a medical condition or chronic illness. I once asked a friend with a spinal cord injury how she keeps so positive and she said "I don't allow myself to think any other way." So Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is what works for her. For me that can only work so long or so well.

So I messaged my doctor yesterday about increasing my Cymbalta. He asked my symptoms and I shared with him and now he wants to see me today to talk in person. I'm ok with that. I'm suspecting that instead of increasing my Cymbalta he'll want to put me on something else. Any help I can get will be appreciated.

But why not try therapy first? Well, I've had a lot of therapy in the past and I'm actually really good at using my non-medical tools. But I think there comes a time when therapy just isn't enough. You need help and you need it fast. 

On the non-medical mental health front I am trying out a support group on Saturday May 18th in my area with the Muscular Dystrophy Association. It's a "Mixed Diagnosis Group." So it's for adults with all forms of MD to come and talk. Partners are also welcome so my amazing husband will be coming with me. You can never have too much help or too many tools.

Alone Together

Back in May I did a post where I shared a picture I had done in my journal. It encapsulated how I was feeling at the time. I said "I bet a lot of people feel like this, like they just slipped below the surface. Just dipped out of range. Other healthy people live on one level while you're just out of reach. You can come up to their level, but it's a lot of work... Then you dip down again"

I've been thinking about that picture ever since and noticed a few things.

1. I noticed that I didn't use the word "I" once. I was speaking in a generalized way about something I was personally feeling. 
2. I was feeling like it's me vs. everyone else who must be healthier than I was feeling at the time. That's a huge assumption.

Today I did another picture on the same theme. I said "In reality it's more like this... Everyone struggling with their own private challenges."

Again, I can't help but notice I didn't use the word "I." Although this little doodle might be more culturally accurate I think I drifted even further away from myself. I'm nowhere here. Just anonymous people trapped by their own challenges (despite the ladders everywhere.) 

Art is a useful language when words fail. Even though I was attempting to do a new drawing showing a more communal, mutual struggle I think it looks like I'm still feeling withdrawn and isolated. 

Noticing these things is very important for me. I feel like it means I need to connect with people more. It's not easy to do when I feel so drained being social and I don't have easy answers when people ask how I'm doing and what's going on with my health. The combination just makes me want to stay home and take a nap. But I know that's not healthy for me.

I made a new friend at aqua aerobics and we're having coffee Friday. I also e-mailed a friend this morning suggesting a few dates for lunch. But I notice I've been really struggling with my mood lately. Nothing about this is easy and I'm just doing the best that I can. I'm trying to have some kindness with myself and just ride these waves of emotion as they come.

Gentle Reminders

I have a few favorites in my journal. Things I like to go back and refer to. These two are particularly worth sharing today:

Yes!
One of the reasons I love gardening. 

I read a while back on another chronic illness blog that you can't live your life with sickness at the middle of it. I firmly believe that is true (no matter what the challenge is.) When you just go from appointment to appointment or even symptom to symptom you aren't really LIVING your life. You're just surviving. Of course there are exceptions to this. But typically to go from reaction to reaction is more damaging than the thing you're reacting to.

When I say "don't turn into your family" to myself it's a reminder to not just stop living. That's what my grandmother has done with her chronic illnesses and she's miserable. I don't know what she's living for. She just drifts from appointment to appointment from pain pill to pain pill. It's no life that I want to have. 

I try hard to remember this and instead of going from crisis to crisis I plan. I do. I go. I create. I invent. I discover. I explore. I may have to work around or with things, but I'm not letting these challenges rule my life. 

That's what the journal entry you see above was about. A reminder of things that make me happy and that make life worth living. If you're just going from crisis to crisis, always just reacting, then life isn't really worth living. Savor. Enjoy. Play!

Depression and Chronic Illness

I don't like the term "Big Black Dog" for depression. Dogs are loyal and funny and awesome. All they want is tummy rubs and bacon. Depression wants your joy, your playfulness and your hope. Not the same thing at all.

I've been struggling with depression the last few days. It all just feels like a lot going on all at once. Losing my job and starting Plaquenil (after the RA diagnosis) has just left me worn out. It's not just being laid off either, but the entire agency I work at is shutting down. So there's been a lot of miscommunication and uncertainty creating a ton of extra stress. And then there's trying to do what's best for my clients and make their transition as easy as I can. No wonder I woke up with a major flair the other day.

Despite feeling completely overwhelmed, depressed, angry, sad, upset and even hopeless at times, there are a few things that help me.

#1) HUMOR!

My favorite shark "Bruce" taking a night time sip from MY Disney Frozen cup.

Yeah, that's right. I own a stuffed shark AND a Disney cup.

You should try it. It helps. 

Humor is a HUGE part of my relationship with both my husband and my son. We make up funny songs, send each other silly memes and joke around a lot. Depression hates laughter. So watching a funny movie or TV show, or just spending time being child-like is incredibly helpful for me when I feel depressed and hopeless.

#2) Writing or Drawing about my feelings

My journal is a great place to get out feelings like these.

Some days are worse than others.
Monday was a bad day.

Sometimes I don't want to share my feelings with another person. But it does feel good for me to get them out. My journal is an important part of doing that for me. In it I can be funny, encouraging and hopeful. But I can also vent some darker thoughts as well.

#3) Being pro-active

My new jammie rack

A helpful way that I deal with any new situation, especially a stressful one (or one that can feel overwhelming) is by taking action. As I adjust to what it means to have RA and peripheral neuropathy I learn what's good and helpful for my body and what's hard and damaging. 

For example, digging through the freezer with bare hands? Bad. Holding cold things. Bad. Trying to pry open the drawer of our 1950's dresser every night to get my pajamas out? Bad. Going barefoot all the time? Bad.

Soooo... last night I took everything out of my "super hard to open" dresser and hung them on this wall hook behind the door instead. Now everything's eye level and easy to get to (and put away.) And my husband gained another drawer. Win-win. And since this is behind our door and we keep the door open almost all the time, you don't even see it. Problem solving at its finest!

This gives me a sense of accomplishment and taking care of myself, both of which Depression hates. Almost as much as it hates a sparkly Disney cup.