Depression and Chronic Illness - One Year Later

Last April I shared some tips on ways that I help myself with Chronic Illness and Depression. But sometimes that's just not enough. Last July I had a few weeks where I just couldn't stop crying. I was about to start a new job that wanted me to work 40 hours a week and was struggling with illnesses that then still had no name (now I know it was a brain tumor, Metabolic Myopathy and Rheumatoid Arthritis.) I talked with my doctor and he put me on Cymbalta. That helped my mild depression and my joint pain. Things were good. 

Fast forward to today and I'm feeling the fog of depression again. I'm feeling numb to things I should feel engaged in, everything feels hard like I'm running through molasses (and I'm not talking physically, but mentally and emotionally.) I feel sad and things at work that are usually easy are becoming hard. I sometimes think about being dead and how lovely it would be (but not to worry, I'm not suicidal. There's a difference.) I feel overwhelmed and exhausted mentally. 

I think these are very common feelings when one is struggling with a medical condition or chronic illness. I once asked a friend with a spinal cord injury how she keeps so positive and she said "I don't allow myself to think any other way." So Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is what works for her. For me that can only work so long or so well.

So I messaged my doctor yesterday about increasing my Cymbalta. He asked my symptoms and I shared with him and now he wants to see me today to talk in person. I'm ok with that. I'm suspecting that instead of increasing my Cymbalta he'll want to put me on something else. Any help I can get will be appreciated.

But why not try therapy first? Well, I've had a lot of therapy in the past and I'm actually really good at using my non-medical tools. But I think there comes a time when therapy just isn't enough. You need help and you need it fast. 

On the non-medical mental health front I am trying out a support group on Saturday May 18th in my area with the Muscular Dystrophy Association. It's a "Mixed Diagnosis Group." So it's for adults with all forms of MD to come and talk. Partners are also welcome so my amazing husband will be coming with me. You can never have too much help or too many tools.

Still Waiting for Help

I don't like not trusting people. I'd rather believe that everyone has the best of intentions and that people in the profession of helping others are really there to help me. But MAN doctors don't always make it easy!

I've been trying to get a hold of my neurologist for almost three weeks now. I want to increase my Lyrica dose and also let her know that I'm still having the scary muscle weakness. I've sent 4 messages to her now through our online medical chart and called. I even just asked to talk to the on-call neurologist this morning to try and get some help. But I haven't heard a peep back yet. 

At this point I'm just tired of waiting for help and am trying to go through my primary care doctor for the increased dose. My fingers are crossed that I'll hear back from him today.

I'm also still waiting on Shirley. I had really hoped I'd have her by today. Tomorrow is my husband's birthday and we're going out of town. I intentionally added a "rush" and paid extra for shipping to make sure I'd have her in time. Drat! Hopefully just going slow and using Meg will be enough to get me through the day. 

Thankfully I'm still only working 2 days a week. It has been exhausting, but I love it. I'm taking it as slow as I can and modifying my office to accomidate my needs. My office manager knows about my diagnosis and my needs and everyone has been very supportive. 

I've also been spoiling myself and letting my husband spoil me. The Cymbalta has really helped increase my energy, but now I risk doing too much. He's always reminding me to take it slow and guard my spoons. My doctor just increased my Cymbalta dose from 20mg to 30mg at my request. See neurologist! That's how it's done!

Hopefully the Lyrica will be resolved soon. In the meantime I'm still on 50mg 2x a day. My knee and feet x-rays didn't show any RA damage, so now it's onto the MRI portion of the evening (be sure to tip your waiters.) 

... And waiting on Shirley. I'll be sure to report back my thoughts on a transport chair as soon as I get her.