ADHD Follow Up

I had my long awaited psychiatrist appointment yesterday for my ADD. I didn't care for her very much, but I'd still say it went well. 

It ended up being a tele-visit which wouldn't be my first choice for a full assessment. Whatever platform she was on kept having buffering issues and I lost visual on her frequently. Not super professional. She was very serious and didn't seem to care much about building rapport with me. 

At first she also took issue with me having my husband in the room. She said "I need to ask you some very sensitive questions." Well, we're married, so there's nothing he doesn't know about me? It was very strange. I would openly talk about anything in front of my husband. 

This kind of attitude just perpetuates stigma around mental health struggles and I hate it. We all need to be comfortable talking about our mental and physical health with people we love and care about. Especially those closest to us. Not just closet ourselves off. 

So, you can tell I felt strongly about that.

What I did like about her is she was very thorough in her questions and she wants to be cautious with medication. I appreciate that. She's consulting with the head of her department because she doesn't know much about mitochondrial disease and I'm on some medications that can make dosage challenging if I'm going to try some ADD medication.

The medications we're considering are Guanfacine, Strattera and Ritalin. She's not sure about putting me on a stimulant because of my heart. Another could lower my already low blood pressure and the last could cause my vertigo and migraines to be worse. Greeeeeaaaaat. She tried to reassure me that heart attacks from Ritalin are very very rare. I told her I don't like to play the "rare" game.

So I'm not sure I'm going to end up taking anything for my ADD. We'll see. I'm in no hurry. I have a follow up with her on Tuesday.

Me & My ADHD

I don't think I've ever discussed having ADHD here, which is odd. I guess my body took importance over my brain.

I was diagnosed about 20 years ago. My husband and I were participating in a research study about relationships. One of the tests was staring into each others eyes and not speaking while our vitals were monitored for a full minute. I couldn't do it. All of my vitals were high and my mind was racing a mile a minute. That was the "aha" moment for me that something was off. (My husband had zero problems doing the test. He doesn't have ADD.)

I went to the doctor and she asked me a few questions then said "Yup. Would you like to try some medication."

When I first tried ADD medication my mind was blown. It's like when you get glasses and go "Oh! So this is what other people see?" I felt like "Oh! No wonder people can go to school and have jobs and function. Is this what a typical brain is like?" I doubt it was, but for me it was a vast improvement.

Here are my ADHD symptoms that I have always struggled with:

• Racing thoughts that jump around and make it very hard to...
• Focus. I'm either hyper focused or struggling to focus.
• Exhaustion (my whole life.)
• Sensory issues, especially auditory.
• Being hyper organized or feeling panicked if I'm not.
• Losing track of time and dates.
• Can't remember people's names (that got much worse after brain surgery.)
• Lose interest in things easily (that has improved with age though)
• Rush through tasks.
• Making friends easily but struggling to maintain friendships.
• Cutting people off easily.
• Self harm (as a child)
• "Daydreaming" (it's just my noisy head)
• Losing items (improved with age)
• Impulsivity. Purple hair? Sure! Move all the furniture in the house? Why not! This has always been a huge struggle for me.

As a kid my teachers always said I "March to the beat of her own drummer" or comment that I "Daydream in class excessively." I think part of that was being super smart and bored. The other part I know was ADD. I've always been "fidgety" but not physically hyper.

When I was older I cut school a lot and "engaged in risky behaviors" for sure. I hated school and couldn't wait to move on. When I did move on I would go from one job to the next almost monthly. I tired easily of jobs and was bored by most of them. I craved frequent stimulation both mental and physical.

Now days my ADD mostly shows up as horribly racing thoughts and my inability to focus. I jump from one task to another usually without completing the one I started. It's not a good feeling and it makes it hard to finish things.

It's also very hard for me to read. Just to keep my eyes on the page or on the line is a big challenge for me. It's easier on my phone, but still not as easy as it should be. 

Starting and finishing a task is very hard. I have to force myself.

Relationships are still a challenge for me. Not my marriage, but with others. I get offended or hurt very easily. I have to actively work on my reactions and emotions. Luckily with time this has become a bit easier, but it's still an issue.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow to talk to her about starting back up on some ADHD medication. I haven't taken anything in about 10 years. I found it very helpful for a long time, but I didn't want to be dependent on it forever. It was a good tool to show me new ways of doing things though. I feel like my ADHD has been worse of late and I don't know why. But I'm ready to ask for help and get a little relief.