Alone Together

Back in May I did a post where I shared a picture I had done in my journal. It encapsulated how I was feeling at the time. I said "I bet a lot of people feel like this, like they just slipped below the surface. Just dipped out of range. Other healthy people live on one level while you're just out of reach. You can come up to their level, but it's a lot of work... Then you dip down again"

I've been thinking about that picture ever since and noticed a few things.

1. I noticed that I didn't use the word "I" once. I was speaking in a generalized way about something I was personally feeling. 
2. I was feeling like it's me vs. everyone else who must be healthier than I was feeling at the time. That's a huge assumption.

Today I did another picture on the same theme. I said "In reality it's more like this... Everyone struggling with their own private challenges."

Again, I can't help but notice I didn't use the word "I." Although this little doodle might be more culturally accurate I think I drifted even further away from myself. I'm nowhere here. Just anonymous people trapped by their own challenges (despite the ladders everywhere.) 

Art is a useful language when words fail. Even though I was attempting to do a new drawing showing a more communal, mutual struggle I think it looks like I'm still feeling withdrawn and isolated. 

Noticing these things is very important for me. I feel like it means I need to connect with people more. It's not easy to do when I feel so drained being social and I don't have easy answers when people ask how I'm doing and what's going on with my health. The combination just makes me want to stay home and take a nap. But I know that's not healthy for me.

I made a new friend at aqua aerobics and we're having coffee Friday. I also e-mailed a friend this morning suggesting a few dates for lunch. But I notice I've been really struggling with my mood lately. Nothing about this is easy and I'm just doing the best that I can. I'm trying to have some kindness with myself and just ride these waves of emotion as they come.