"Minnie" The Meningioma

I haven't posted in a while. I've been struggling to keep working as best as I can, sharing the news of the brain tumor with family and friends, juggling doctor messages and phone calls, laundry, being supportive of my son (who quit his job of 5 years the day I found out I had a brain tumor), enjoying life and distracting myself, processing my feelings and sleeping as much as humanly possible.

-GASP-

Yes, that tightness in your chest as you read that list is exactly what life has been like these past few days. But there are bright sides a-plenty!

1) The neurologists have decided I have a single tumor. I've decided to name her "Minnie." She's under 3cm big and is in my Left Temporal Lobe.

That's the green area.

2) Family has been super understanding (and of course shocked.) We're having a massive outpouring of support and specific offers of help. That has been amazing and made me feel very loved and much less worried.

3) I live in a big town with excellent health care. From the time of diagnosis to the time I'll meet with my neurosurgeon to go over a treatment plan will be less than 2 weeks. 

4) The neurosurgeon I'm seeing specialized in non-invasive surgery on that specific part of the brain.

5) My husband and son have been taking great care of me. 

6) I have the ultimate excuse for anything. Words that have left my mouth recently include "If you don't buy me that fluffy pillow I'll tell the checkout person that I have a brain tumor and you wouldn't spend $14.95 to make me happy." And of course the classic Arnold Schwarzenegger classic throwback quote "It IS a tumah." 

7) My mom sent me flowers AND a fun Halloween wreath. It's never too early for Halloween.

8) Even my dog feels bad for me.

 9) I get to sleep a lot and not feel bad about it.

10) I haven't had any seizures (a common symptom of brain tumors.)

Always look on the bright 

side of life!

Perspective

Life will always have its challenges. When they come along, regardless what they are, it's easy to let yourself get sucked in and for that challenge to become your life. This is most true with physical or health challenges. I'm fortunate to have friends who have much more serious challenges than I do. MS, breast cancer, spinal cord injury paralysis... Personally I find it difficult to balance noticing that I don't have as big a serious challenge as other people, while still respecting that I do still have struggles.

Today is a reminder to myself. A re-set on my perspective and a list of things that help me remember all the many many many pluses and blessings in my life.

#1) I worked my butt off over the last 10 years and now have 3 college degrees. I was the first person in my family to ever graduate from college (and I did it three times.) That's a massive accomplishment.

 This picture of my son when he was little always inspires me. 

He was scared of heights, but determined to jump off the high dive at our local community pool. He did it! His bravery continues to this day. Never let fear stop you.

#2) I've been to some amazing, inspiring places. Both here and around the world. Traveling the world has helped me remember what's most important in life. Kindness, openness, friends (and food!)

My husband and I traveling 2 years ago.

#3) The belief that I can do anything I want, I just have to want it bad enough. From graduation to getting a new job to being in a career field that I love. All of these have been incredibly challenging. But I did it! 

#4) Humor is everything. It is everywhere and easy to find. Enjoy it. Let it heal you.

My "study Jaws" got me through some stressful times in school

#5) I'm lucky. I have plenty to eat, a safe place to live and people who love me. I love the town I live in and am spoiled by my partner. He works very hard to give me a wonderful life. I'm very grateful for that. We're a good team.

Spoiled me with a graduation gift from my husband.

#6) I have a lot of people in my life who love me. Husband, son, dogs, family, friends... even my in-laws care! Remembering my huge team of cheerleaders (even when they aren't there all the time) is very helpful in keeping my perspective. 

Family

#7) Remembering what I CAN do! I can still walk, run (a bit), play, laugh, sing, yell, scream, eat, bathe, swim... and much much more. Instead of letting what I can't do (or what's hard) swallow my motivation I try and focus on what I can do, and do even more of it. 

Come on feet! Let's go!

#8) That I live my values. This is a fun activity called a "Value Card Sort." You go through 100 cards picking what words most reflect your values. Even when I'm feeling awful my values help keep me balanced. (Just click on the picture or link above if you want to print it out and do it yourself.)

I could honestly keep going, but I think you get the idea. Besides. I'm going to be late for my Zumba class at the gym. This time I'll keep it slower and I have my knee brace on for protection. I don't want another 4 day recovery process! But I'm determined to keep moving and trying.

Depression and Chronic Illness

I don't like the term "Big Black Dog" for depression. Dogs are loyal and funny and awesome. All they want is tummy rubs and bacon. Depression wants your joy, your playfulness and your hope. Not the same thing at all.

I've been struggling with depression the last few days. It all just feels like a lot going on all at once. Losing my job and starting Plaquenil (after the RA diagnosis) has just left me worn out. It's not just being laid off either, but the entire agency I work at is shutting down. So there's been a lot of miscommunication and uncertainty creating a ton of extra stress. And then there's trying to do what's best for my clients and make their transition as easy as I can. No wonder I woke up with a major flair the other day.

Despite feeling completely overwhelmed, depressed, angry, sad, upset and even hopeless at times, there are a few things that help me.

#1) HUMOR!

My favorite shark "Bruce" taking a night time sip from MY Disney Frozen cup.

Yeah, that's right. I own a stuffed shark AND a Disney cup.

You should try it. It helps. 

Humor is a HUGE part of my relationship with both my husband and my son. We make up funny songs, send each other silly memes and joke around a lot. Depression hates laughter. So watching a funny movie or TV show, or just spending time being child-like is incredibly helpful for me when I feel depressed and hopeless.

#2) Writing or Drawing about my feelings

My journal is a great place to get out feelings like these.

Some days are worse than others.
Monday was a bad day.

Sometimes I don't want to share my feelings with another person. But it does feel good for me to get them out. My journal is an important part of doing that for me. In it I can be funny, encouraging and hopeful. But I can also vent some darker thoughts as well.

#3) Being pro-active

My new jammie rack

A helpful way that I deal with any new situation, especially a stressful one (or one that can feel overwhelming) is by taking action. As I adjust to what it means to have RA and peripheral neuropathy I learn what's good and helpful for my body and what's hard and damaging. 

For example, digging through the freezer with bare hands? Bad. Holding cold things. Bad. Trying to pry open the drawer of our 1950's dresser every night to get my pajamas out? Bad. Going barefoot all the time? Bad.

Soooo... last night I took everything out of my "super hard to open" dresser and hung them on this wall hook behind the door instead. Now everything's eye level and easy to get to (and put away.) And my husband gained another drawer. Win-win. And since this is behind our door and we keep the door open almost all the time, you don't even see it. Problem solving at its finest!

This gives me a sense of accomplishment and taking care of myself, both of which Depression hates. Almost as much as it hates a sparkly Disney cup.