My Very Best Self

 

One of the things I love about myself is my ability to do absolutely anything I put my mind to. I've accomplished hundreds of things that I think would terrify the average person. But the one thing I've yet to accomplish is my happiness with my body weight.

This seems to be something millions of other people can do. Millions more appear to have self control around food (aka: a lack the addiction issues.) And then millions more have zero option and/or are starving. Which makes my gluttony all the more shameful to me. It makes me feel like I'm taking more than my fair share.

Food is my one vice. It's a big one though (pun intended). It's a huge source of pleasure, happiness, social activity... But what I am learning is that all of that is ok. It's ok to get so much joy from eating and sharing food (and having food shared with me.) What's not ok for me is the quantity and my obsessiveness about food.

After seeing the scale dip and bob like a fishing float for so many months I've finally had it. I reached my limit and I'm motivated to change. I want to be "my very best self." And like all big changes, I have a plan.

So... I made this chart for myself that breaks my weight loss into doable small goals. Each goal met also comes with a small reward. A non-food reward of course.

I am intrinsically motivated right now, but a little external motivation is also helpful. So is accountability! I'm seeing my nutritionist again in October and with some hard work I could be down 30lbs by then.

My big picture is to lose 100lbs. This chart represents the first half. I always feel more confident with small, achievable goals. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time (said someone, sometime, although I'd never really eat an elephant. Or a shark.)

I was excited to see that with some serious dedication I could be halfway there by the new year. I'm calculating a safe loss of 2lbs per week. I'm sure it will come off easier at first, then harder as I go down. That's why I have a larger amount of weight for the first few goals.

I'm a big "right tool for the job" person, so I researched and found some tools that could compliment my plan and my chart.

I really suck at portion size, so I bought these little cups to help. I feel I can eat as much fruit and veg as I want, but I need help with protein and fats. 

I'm also going to try this:

It's a "goal planner" that's supposed to help when you're trying to change behaviors and reach specific goals.

I think these tools will be plenty to support me. Then I also have my mom who is all in and my husband. They both want to lose weight and are the two main people I eat with, so I think that will be incredibly helpful for me.

Losing weight would mean less stress on my joints and muscles. Less work for my organs. It can only benefit me and my health. It's long overdue, but I needed to be in the right mindset. 

Having loose skin worries me a bit, but I figure I'll deal with that when I need to. I won't let it put me off my goal when I've barely started.

So here's to another major accomplishment in the making!

O Me! O Life!

O Me! O Life!

BY WALT WHITMAN

Oh me! Oh life! of the questions of these recurring,

Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill’d with the foolish,

Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)

Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew’d,

Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,

Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,

The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?

                                       Answer.

That you are here—that life exists and identity,

That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

Perspective

Life will always have its challenges. When they come along, regardless what they are, it's easy to let yourself get sucked in and for that challenge to become your life. This is most true with physical or health challenges. I'm fortunate to have friends who have much more serious challenges than I do. MS, breast cancer, spinal cord injury paralysis... Personally I find it difficult to balance noticing that I don't have as big a serious challenge as other people, while still respecting that I do still have struggles.

Today is a reminder to myself. A re-set on my perspective and a list of things that help me remember all the many many many pluses and blessings in my life.

#1) I worked my butt off over the last 10 years and now have 3 college degrees. I was the first person in my family to ever graduate from college (and I did it three times.) That's a massive accomplishment.

 This picture of my son when he was little always inspires me. 

He was scared of heights, but determined to jump off the high dive at our local community pool. He did it! His bravery continues to this day. Never let fear stop you.

#2) I've been to some amazing, inspiring places. Both here and around the world. Traveling the world has helped me remember what's most important in life. Kindness, openness, friends (and food!)

My husband and I traveling 2 years ago.

#3) The belief that I can do anything I want, I just have to want it bad enough. From graduation to getting a new job to being in a career field that I love. All of these have been incredibly challenging. But I did it! 

#4) Humor is everything. It is everywhere and easy to find. Enjoy it. Let it heal you.

My "study Jaws" got me through some stressful times in school

#5) I'm lucky. I have plenty to eat, a safe place to live and people who love me. I love the town I live in and am spoiled by my partner. He works very hard to give me a wonderful life. I'm very grateful for that. We're a good team.

Spoiled me with a graduation gift from my husband.

#6) I have a lot of people in my life who love me. Husband, son, dogs, family, friends... even my in-laws care! Remembering my huge team of cheerleaders (even when they aren't there all the time) is very helpful in keeping my perspective. 

Family

#7) Remembering what I CAN do! I can still walk, run (a bit), play, laugh, sing, yell, scream, eat, bathe, swim... and much much more. Instead of letting what I can't do (or what's hard) swallow my motivation I try and focus on what I can do, and do even more of it. 

Come on feet! Let's go!

#8) That I live my values. This is a fun activity called a "Value Card Sort." You go through 100 cards picking what words most reflect your values. Even when I'm feeling awful my values help keep me balanced. (Just click on the picture or link above if you want to print it out and do it yourself.)

I could honestly keep going, but I think you get the idea. Besides. I'm going to be late for my Zumba class at the gym. This time I'll keep it slower and I have my knee brace on for protection. I don't want another 4 day recovery process! But I'm determined to keep moving and trying.

Find Your Heroes

I have many heroes, but I'd like to introduce you to two of them. You'll notice an intimate connection although their paths never crossed.

The first is the Dalai Lama:

I first fell in love with the Dalai Lama about six years ago. I was hired to work at a lab and the lead scientist did research in meditation and had met with the Dalai Lama before. This meeting had changed his life for the better. He shared that experience with me and I became curious to learn more about this amazing man.

I watched some videos on YouTube of him talking and was immediately struck by two important things.

1) He does not rush. If he can't find something he needs, even if a stadium full of people are waiting to hear him speak, he pauses and slowly finds what it is, leaving everyone waiting. It's ok to wait. It's ok to not rush. There was zero fear in him of disapproval. No awareness of judgement. That amazed me.

2) He 100% still has his child-like sense of humor and wonder. He laughs often (and sounds just like Yoda from Star Wars when he does) and easily. He jokes and plays around with those close to him. He's fast to show affection.

I find those two qualities to be very important in weathering adversity. Take your time, don't rush, be patient with yourself and always keep that little kid happy and let it play.

The second hero of mine is also a man. I do admire many many women (for some reason Grace Jones is jumping to mind right now), but these two have something special in common.

The second one is Viktor Frankl. He was a neurologist, psychiatrist and also had a Ph D in philosophy. He's famous however for being a Holocaust survivor and for inventing something called "Logotherapy."

 Why I love this man is his theory that "striving to find meaning in ones own life is the primary most powerful motivating and driving force as humans." The tenets of Logotherapy can be summed up as "Life has meaning under all circumstances, even the most challenging." If a man like Viktor can find meaning in a Concentration Camp, then surely I can even while struggling with health issues. Nothing like a little perspective!

Viktor believes that spirit is the will of the human being and that we create meaning in three ways.
1) By creating work or doing deeds.
2) Experiencing something or encountering someone.
3) By the attitudes we take toward unavoidable suffering.

"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing, the last of the human freedoms-to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances."

These set beliefs gel perfectly with the Dalai Lama's beliefs on human suffering.
"From the moment of birth, every human being wants happiness and does not want suffering." But he goes on to share that he feels suffering is optional. If you embrace joy (which is different from happiness because it comes from within) then you will never suffer. You will have pain and hard moments, but it will be temporary.

What both these men share is the stressing of AGENCY. That it's US who control our joy. That even when we feel like we have no choice or that things are just happening TO us, we can always control our own thoughts and attitudes.

Words have great power. They can hurt or heal. I am careful about what words I use to myself. I also try to always remember that even when I feel like I don't have any choice, I ALWAYS do.