Thriving

What is the difference between surviving and thriving? 

I asked myself today "Am I going day to day surviving? Or am I thriving?" The answer is complicated.

First I turned to the all knowing oracle of our times. Google. I think it's fun to ask deep questions and see what pops up. Much like a Magic 8 Ball. "Oooooooh all knowing Google. What lies at the depths of this question..." (((SHAKE SHAKE)))

Surprisingly Google had a good answer. Or make that Empowerwomen.org had a good answer. Although one I don't 100% agree with. "Surviving is doing what is necessary to live." I agree with that part. "A thriving mindset is defined by continually challenging oneself." I'm not sure about that.

To me personally the big difference isn't in challenging myself, but in growth. Surviving is making it from one day to the next intact. I for sure have my survival days. I know I'm not alone. I think of all the people across the world who are simply surviving right now.

However, Like Viktor Frankl I believe it is possible to thrive in any condition, no matter how hard, oppressive and awful. Most days I feel like I am thriving. I'm continually attempting to better myself. Better my health, my mind, my attitude, my relationships with loved ones, my body, my home... Thriving to me personally is a continual growing process into a better and better Antoinette. 

A kinder me who is as healthy as I can be, softer with my words, respectful of others, spending my time on important things, giving people (and pooches) my love, actively listening to others... all of these are things that make me feel like I thrive.

It doesn't have to be travel or a paycheck. I don't have to save lives or run a marathon. I just have to do my best and be my best. I am growing, flourishing, expanding into my own human potential. And I feel like most days I am thriving.

What I'm Into Lately

Rather than go on about my symptoms right now (many) or how I'm feeling (shitty) I thought it would be fun to talk about things that I'm into right now. New things. Things that keep me going and fill me with joy.

1. Puzzles: My husband and I started doing this last December and have been going strong all year. I can manage it sitting and focusing on such a small thing is really doable for me. I can also do it as long or as short as I want.
2. Records: I bought myself a record player after wanting one all year. I still have zero records though. Hahah! But I really like the idea of listening to records instead of watching TV.
   
   
   
   My new record player - minus the record. 
3. Socks: Fun socks just make me smile. My recent acquisitions include Wonder Woman and Grover. I have a rainbow striped pair that I call "my happy socks" that never fail to cheer me up instantly.
4. Pajamas: All things soft and snuggly. I'm embracing my comfort needs with clothes that feel like blankets.
5. Blankets: Can't have enough of them. Seriously. Never enough soft blankets of all sizes and colors.
6. Wood Burning: I bought a simple wood burning kit to try. I thought I could make cool, cheap Christmas gifts with them. We'll see if I ever get enough spoons to be able to give it an actual try, but I'm hopeful!
   Funky!
7. Acrylic Painting: I used to paint a lot and was quite good at it. I have a painting in mind that I want to do and a great canvas. Now I just need the spoons.
8. Redecorating: Putting up Christmas decorations makes me very happy.
   
   
9. Family Pictures: I've been updating my family pictures. I have one wall of just myself, my husband and our son, then a hallway full of family photos. I enjoy keeping them up to date. They help me remember all the fun we have and the people who care about me.
   
   
   
   Play it grandpa!
10. Re-Arranging My House: This has been a big one lately. My bedroom was pretty sparse compared to the rest of my house, despite my spending a lot of time in it. I also had another room all set up for work and getting ready for work. Both were seriously depressing me. I turned my "work" room into more of a library and we've been fixing up our bedroom so that it's useful AND fun. Both of these things have been hugely helping me transition from working to being home. I need my environment to reflect my needs or I get very depressed.

Now I just need to save my fun money to get some records to play! I'm looking forward to it.

Looking "Sick" and "Tired"

Friday evening my husband and I had a spontaneous walk through a beautiful rose garden. It was the same day I found out I would need to be job hunting again and my spirits were a little low. There is nothing like the touch, smell and sight of nature to heal your soul. I always feel so revived after a little time in nature.

But there was something that struck me:

Before - Friday night

I'm sure my husband would disagree, but in reviewing our pictures that we took I had one thought running through my mind. "Who is that sick, tired looking woman!?" Even in the best picture that he took I thought "That's accurate and looks just like me, but I don't like looking like that."

So part of that is out of my control of course. But fortunately since I'm a woman and my culture supports (nay, ENCOURAGES) me to change my appearance whenever I wish I have many tools at my disposal. The most obvious choice was to dye my hair.

Weapon of choice

I go back and forth (and back and forth) on coloring my hair or not. I'm lucky to be in a field where not only do I not have pressure to look a certain way, but looking older actually adds wisdom and credibility to the things I say. I also hate beauty routines for the sake of just doing them. Conformity. Feeling like I "HAVE" to do something to myself on a regular basis. Coloring you hair can easily become something you feel like you HAVE to do and I hate that. 

I also admire women who don't color their hair. I consider it to be a very feminist act of rebellion in our "youth obsessed" culture where women aren't allowed to age or look their age.

BUT... on the other hand... I also felt like my body wasn't really my friend right now. That I was showing outward signs of a losing battle. I felt I looked much older than what I really am and that frankly I looked "sick." As I said, I need to be job hunting and I really want to look and feel my best! I want to feel pretty and confident and not look like I just really want to crawl back into bed (even if I feel that way.)

So yes. I decided to color my hair.

After

I went with a color as close to my natural color as I could get. I like the look of dark hair, light skin and blue eyes. I also didn't want anything TOO dark as that's pretty high maintenance. I'm a DIY kind of girl. I HATE spending money at a salon and having people talk at you for hours only to pay 100x as much as you would if you just did it yourself. 

And yes, I am aware of the hypocrisy that I'm trying to cut out chemicals, but then I go and dye my hair. What can I tell you. I'm an impulsive enigma. You know what though? I do feel better! I was very happy with how it came out. It was just what I hoped for. I feel prettier and subsequently healthier. My hair also looks thicker and like I have more of it. That's a big deal for someone with Hypothyroidism. 

I'm glad I acted impulsively. I'm glad I listened to what I wanted in the moment, even if it seemed counter-productive to my health (dousing myself in chemicals.) I hope it will give me a confidence boost to land my next job.

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Are you wondering why I never show my face? The governing body that regulates my profession dictates that if I share anything personal about myself. Even on a personal blog. Be it my full face or name. Then I have to provide a ton of other information that I really don't want to be made public. I also don't want one of my clients accidentally stumbling on my blog. It's a personal place to share and vent and I hope it is helpful to others. If I were you, I'd be wondering why, so I thought I'd share my reasons.