I Do What I Want

I'd been wanting to shave my head again ever since my last dye job. It came hot on the heels of two bleach jobs and two other dye jobs. When I can't get a color just right, I get frustrated. When I get frustrated with my hair... well... out come the clippers.

My mom is having a huge birthday this weekend. She's turning 70. But even her please of "Please don't shave your head till after my birthday" fell on ADHD ears. When I get something in my head it's almost impossible for me not to act. It feels like an itch I can't scratch. Awful. 

And (insert drum roll please.) I really enjoy having a shaved head! 

I love the feel of it. My husband calls me "little chick." I love the lack of work, how fast and easy it is. I can just roll out of bed and not fuss with my thin, unruly hair. I like to keep my scalp nice and moisturized, something harder to do with more hair (without looking like an oil spill.) I like not spending time or money on dye just to get a color I'm not happy with.

I like how shockingly feminist it is. Once associated with a punishment of women, now reclaimed as a powerful look (thank you Sinead O'Connor.) I get more compliments on my shaved head than any other style I've had. Quickly followed by "Oh I could never have my hair like that, I'm not brave enough. But I love it."

The late, great, Sinead

I'm not "brave" for shaving my head. Heavens no. I'm brave for a million other reasons, but that's not one of them.

I adore a shaved head on other women. How surprisingly stark it is. How de-feminizing. A woman's "worth" used to be, and in many places still is, judged by having long hair. The thicker and more flowing the better. To consciously opt to have none is a big "fuck you" to the patriarchy who invented these arbitrary rules. My husband doesn't have a six pack. So why should I feel the need to conform to cultures rules about beauty?

I should do what I want.

I always used to say "If it wasn't for my husband preferring longer hair I'd shave my head all the time." Well, I realized just how stupid that is. I need to please myself first. I love and adore my husband with all of my heart. But I don't need to conform to any male gaze, even his. The only gaze I need to please is mine. 

Anyways, he says I'm gorgeous no matter what I do. So there we are. 

You Look So Pretty!

Second only to "you look so healthy" those four words also can be a bit loaded. I mean when was the last time you told a woman "You're so smart! You're so organized! I really admire you!" Not to say that we don't also compliment others outside of beauty, but come on. We all know "You look so great!" Commenting on someone's superficial appearance is the cultural go to. Even for children "You're so cute". Which is really terrible.

I had a conversation with my mother the other day about beauty standards and ableism. I feel like every way in which a person deviates from the cultural standard of "normal" you will encounter push back. This push back can come in the way of prejudice, discrimination and the world just not being made for you.

No makeup, kid clips, not fighting aging.
I think I'm still pretty.

Typical "deviations" from our current culture that will cause pushback are:

• Skin Color
• Body Size
• Signs of normal aging (wrinkles, sagging, silver hair...)
• Obvious signs of disability (wheelchair, walker, synthetic limb, deformation, oxy tank...)
• Height
• Socioeconomic status (how wealthy you are... or aren't)
• Body hair (on women)
• Body odor (on women)
• Dressing "outside the norm"
• Body modifications (face piercings, ear gaging, etc...)

And as if this exclusionary, impulsive reaction wasn't bad enough another thing I've noticed is that the more of this box's you tick, the more violent and immediate someone's reaction can be. One need look no further than the violence perpetrated against trans women of color to see that's a fact. Being tall, a person of color and transgender can easily get you killed.

So what does that mean to me, a queen size disabled person over 20? I shared with my family that I've noticed a huge difference in how people react to me and treat me depending on what mobility device I'm using, the color of my hair (natural vs colored), the clothes I'm wearing, the purse I use and if I've chosen to wear makeup that day.

Growing my hair color out.

AGAIN...

The most poorly I'm treated is with natural hair, casual clothes, no Coach bag and using a store electric cart. I honestly like to keep my cane in a store electric cart with me as an obvious signal to my disability. Being a big person there are way too many "people of Wall Mart" memes out there for my comfort. I noticed that people will not get out of my way (block me in on purpose), ignore me, not offer to help me with anything and in general tend to just look away.

Helooooo. Get the hell out of my wayyyy!!!

The best I'm treated is in full makeup, hair colored, dressed up, expensive purse and either walking on my own (something I only do in my own house these days) or using Dory, my "mega wheelchair." I believe that is because it screams "I have a legit disability!!!" Dory for sure gets me treated even better than my travel wheelchair Ariel. I'm guessing because of the size and gadgets it just "looks more disabled".

Vroooom!
Me and Dory taking off from my Mom's house.

So what would happen if I have blue hair, piercings all over, riding in a scooter, wearing rainbow yoga pants and an obscure 80's band t-shirt carrying a unicorn backpack on my back? If you add to that it is a person of color and a very large person I'm sure she'd end up a meme on someone's Instagram account, or be filmed against her will and uploaded to YouTube with some horrible comments being made. That's my guess. Because this person is too far outside of what our culture deems "normal" and they deserve to be punished for it.

Even with knowing all this to be true I still choose to push the boundaries on normalized culture. I feel it's the only way to create change for the good. For there to be love instead of hatred and prejudice. Because I am a social justice warrior and a feminist and that will never change no matter how severe my disability becomes. 

With not being able to work right now. Not being able to help people the way that I used to. Living with this core value of loving people and fighting against stigma in even the smallest way still gives me a strong sense of purpose. Something everyone needs in life.

Looking "Sick" and "Tired"

Friday evening my husband and I had a spontaneous walk through a beautiful rose garden. It was the same day I found out I would need to be job hunting again and my spirits were a little low. There is nothing like the touch, smell and sight of nature to heal your soul. I always feel so revived after a little time in nature.

But there was something that struck me:

Before - Friday night

I'm sure my husband would disagree, but in reviewing our pictures that we took I had one thought running through my mind. "Who is that sick, tired looking woman!?" Even in the best picture that he took I thought "That's accurate and looks just like me, but I don't like looking like that."

So part of that is out of my control of course. But fortunately since I'm a woman and my culture supports (nay, ENCOURAGES) me to change my appearance whenever I wish I have many tools at my disposal. The most obvious choice was to dye my hair.

Weapon of choice

I go back and forth (and back and forth) on coloring my hair or not. I'm lucky to be in a field where not only do I not have pressure to look a certain way, but looking older actually adds wisdom and credibility to the things I say. I also hate beauty routines for the sake of just doing them. Conformity. Feeling like I "HAVE" to do something to myself on a regular basis. Coloring you hair can easily become something you feel like you HAVE to do and I hate that. 

I also admire women who don't color their hair. I consider it to be a very feminist act of rebellion in our "youth obsessed" culture where women aren't allowed to age or look their age.

BUT... on the other hand... I also felt like my body wasn't really my friend right now. That I was showing outward signs of a losing battle. I felt I looked much older than what I really am and that frankly I looked "sick." As I said, I need to be job hunting and I really want to look and feel my best! I want to feel pretty and confident and not look like I just really want to crawl back into bed (even if I feel that way.)

So yes. I decided to color my hair.

After

I went with a color as close to my natural color as I could get. I like the look of dark hair, light skin and blue eyes. I also didn't want anything TOO dark as that's pretty high maintenance. I'm a DIY kind of girl. I HATE spending money at a salon and having people talk at you for hours only to pay 100x as much as you would if you just did it yourself. 

And yes, I am aware of the hypocrisy that I'm trying to cut out chemicals, but then I go and dye my hair. What can I tell you. I'm an impulsive enigma. You know what though? I do feel better! I was very happy with how it came out. It was just what I hoped for. I feel prettier and subsequently healthier. My hair also looks thicker and like I have more of it. That's a big deal for someone with Hypothyroidism. 

I'm glad I acted impulsively. I'm glad I listened to what I wanted in the moment, even if it seemed counter-productive to my health (dousing myself in chemicals.) I hope it will give me a confidence boost to land my next job.

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Are you wondering why I never show my face? The governing body that regulates my profession dictates that if I share anything personal about myself. Even on a personal blog. Be it my full face or name. Then I have to provide a ton of other information that I really don't want to be made public. I also don't want one of my clients accidentally stumbling on my blog. It's a personal place to share and vent and I hope it is helpful to others. If I were you, I'd be wondering why, so I thought I'd share my reasons.