I Do What I Want

I'd been wanting to shave my head again ever since my last dye job. It came hot on the heels of two bleach jobs and two other dye jobs. When I can't get a color just right, I get frustrated. When I get frustrated with my hair... well... out come the clippers.

My mom is having a huge birthday this weekend. She's turning 70. But even her please of "Please don't shave your head till after my birthday" fell on ADHD ears. When I get something in my head it's almost impossible for me not to act. It feels like an itch I can't scratch. Awful. 

And (insert drum roll please.) I really enjoy having a shaved head! 

I love the feel of it. My husband calls me "little chick." I love the lack of work, how fast and easy it is. I can just roll out of bed and not fuss with my thin, unruly hair. I like to keep my scalp nice and moisturized, something harder to do with more hair (without looking like an oil spill.) I like not spending time or money on dye just to get a color I'm not happy with.

I like how shockingly feminist it is. Once associated with a punishment of women, now reclaimed as a powerful look (thank you Sinead O'Connor.) I get more compliments on my shaved head than any other style I've had. Quickly followed by "Oh I could never have my hair like that, I'm not brave enough. But I love it."

The late, great, Sinead

I'm not "brave" for shaving my head. Heavens no. I'm brave for a million other reasons, but that's not one of them.

I adore a shaved head on other women. How surprisingly stark it is. How de-feminizing. A woman's "worth" used to be, and in many places still is, judged by having long hair. The thicker and more flowing the better. To consciously opt to have none is a big "fuck you" to the patriarchy who invented these arbitrary rules. My husband doesn't have a six pack. So why should I feel the need to conform to cultures rules about beauty?

I should do what I want.

I always used to say "If it wasn't for my husband preferring longer hair I'd shave my head all the time." Well, I realized just how stupid that is. I need to please myself first. I love and adore my husband with all of my heart. But I don't need to conform to any male gaze, even his. The only gaze I need to please is mine. 

Anyways, he says I'm gorgeous no matter what I do. So there we are. 

Feeling Powerful

Hair is a topic I talk about a lot here. Along with weight loss. Apparently I'm just a typical American woman.

I shaved my head again a few months ago because I thought I was done with color. At least for a long while. But then I saw pictures. And then pictures of other women in my life with natural hair and I thought "Hmmmmm... I don't like the look of that." You know what it looked to me? It looked like I wasn't "POWERFUL."

These are times where it's good to look and feel as powerful as possible. 

My mom has brilliant red hair. Like Crayola crayon red. I love it. She gets stopped everywhere we go and people comment on how great it looks. Partly I think this is because it does make her look like a super hero.

She looks POWERFUL. She also IS powerful. A force of nature. As am I. You don't f*$& with the two of us. But my salt and pepper hair just wasn't conveying how I felt inside.

So I decided to go with a classic. Blue/black. Did you know that more comic book super heroes had blue/black hair than any other color? They were also all fair skinned. Why? Because there's something mythic and powerful about that combination.

Me in LA 2017 with black hair. Post TB and right around when my muscles decided to lose their shit. Age 44.

Pre-coloring. Cute, but not fierce.

Oooooh yeah... That's better!

This is my favorite go-to black dye. For experienced hair color'ers only. This stuff stains like crazy and you for sure don't want to get it on your new white sink. (But if you do, a little swipe with some nail polish remover will get it right off.)

I already feel refreshed. And yes... powerful.