I Do What I Want

I'd been wanting to shave my head again ever since my last dye job. It came hot on the heels of two bleach jobs and two other dye jobs. When I can't get a color just right, I get frustrated. When I get frustrated with my hair... well... out come the clippers.

My mom is having a huge birthday this weekend. She's turning 70. But even her please of "Please don't shave your head till after my birthday" fell on ADHD ears. When I get something in my head it's almost impossible for me not to act. It feels like an itch I can't scratch. Awful. 

And (insert drum roll please.) I really enjoy having a shaved head! 

I love the feel of it. My husband calls me "little chick." I love the lack of work, how fast and easy it is. I can just roll out of bed and not fuss with my thin, unruly hair. I like to keep my scalp nice and moisturized, something harder to do with more hair (without looking like an oil spill.) I like not spending time or money on dye just to get a color I'm not happy with.

I like how shockingly feminist it is. Once associated with a punishment of women, now reclaimed as a powerful look (thank you Sinead O'Connor.) I get more compliments on my shaved head than any other style I've had. Quickly followed by "Oh I could never have my hair like that, I'm not brave enough. But I love it."

The late, great, Sinead

I'm not "brave" for shaving my head. Heavens no. I'm brave for a million other reasons, but that's not one of them.

I adore a shaved head on other women. How surprisingly stark it is. How de-feminizing. A woman's "worth" used to be, and in many places still is, judged by having long hair. The thicker and more flowing the better. To consciously opt to have none is a big "fuck you" to the patriarchy who invented these arbitrary rules. My husband doesn't have a six pack. So why should I feel the need to conform to cultures rules about beauty?

I should do what I want.

I always used to say "If it wasn't for my husband preferring longer hair I'd shave my head all the time." Well, I realized just how stupid that is. I need to please myself first. I love and adore my husband with all of my heart. But I don't need to conform to any male gaze, even his. The only gaze I need to please is mine. 

Anyways, he says I'm gorgeous no matter what I do. So there we are. 

A Second Teenage-hood

Remembering back to when I was a teenager, this time in my life doesn't feel all that different. I'm not talking about the pimples and stress. But the discovery phase of everything feeling new and exciting. Who do I want to be? What do I want to look like? What are my tastes? What tools do I need for the life I want and for who I am NOW?

The person I was two months ago could not be any different from the person I am today. I am full of energy and ready for an adventure at all times. Strangely enough, my style has also changed.

I shaved my head yesterday. #3 all over. I love it.
Going back to my natural color.

I've always been incredibly organized, but now I feel I'm even more so. The tingling of modernism aesthetics is pulling at my maximalist style. The "bohemian a la mode" that I've loved for so long is going by the wayside to be replaced by Ikea cleanliness. White is my new favorite color for my house (it was orange and teal.) I find myself wanting to purge most of my belongings and start over fresh.

My local Goodwill must be thrilled with all the donations they've been getting from me. Including my BiPap and Cough Assist machines. I have my old blue electric wheelchair up for sale on Ebay, but may just end up donating that as well. I'm keeping my new chair and the wheelchair van for now. 

I'm humored that I most needed to buy good walking shoes along with more bras. I stopped wearing bras 99% of the time when I was so sick because they took way too much energy to take on and off. Then obviously my shoes didn't matter much since I used my chair any time I left the house. Now I need a lot of support for the weaker muscles in my feet. And I actually want to wear a bra. I'm enjoying having this time to explore. It is a real luxury.