You Look So Pretty!

Second only to "you look so healthy" those four words also can be a bit loaded. I mean when was the last time you told a woman "You're so smart! You're so organized! I really admire you!" Not to say that we don't also compliment others outside of beauty, but come on. We all know "You look so great!" Commenting on someone's superficial appearance is the cultural go to. Even for children "You're so cute". Which is really terrible.

I had a conversation with my mother the other day about beauty standards and ableism. I feel like every way in which a person deviates from the cultural standard of "normal" you will encounter push back. This push back can come in the way of prejudice, discrimination and the world just not being made for you.

No makeup, kid clips, not fighting aging.
I think I'm still pretty.

Typical "deviations" from our current culture that will cause pushback are:

• Skin Color
• Body Size
• Signs of normal aging (wrinkles, sagging, silver hair...)
• Obvious signs of disability (wheelchair, walker, synthetic limb, deformation, oxy tank...)
• Height
• Socioeconomic status (how wealthy you are... or aren't)
• Body hair (on women)
• Body odor (on women)
• Dressing "outside the norm"
• Body modifications (face piercings, ear gaging, etc...)

And as if this exclusionary, impulsive reaction wasn't bad enough another thing I've noticed is that the more of this box's you tick, the more violent and immediate someone's reaction can be. One need look no further than the violence perpetrated against trans women of color to see that's a fact. Being tall, a person of color and transgender can easily get you killed.

So what does that mean to me, a queen size disabled person over 20? I shared with my family that I've noticed a huge difference in how people react to me and treat me depending on what mobility device I'm using, the color of my hair (natural vs colored), the clothes I'm wearing, the purse I use and if I've chosen to wear makeup that day.

Growing my hair color out.

AGAIN...

The most poorly I'm treated is with natural hair, casual clothes, no Coach bag and using a store electric cart. I honestly like to keep my cane in a store electric cart with me as an obvious signal to my disability. Being a big person there are way too many "people of Wall Mart" memes out there for my comfort. I noticed that people will not get out of my way (block me in on purpose), ignore me, not offer to help me with anything and in general tend to just look away.

Helooooo. Get the hell out of my wayyyy!!!

The best I'm treated is in full makeup, hair colored, dressed up, expensive purse and either walking on my own (something I only do in my own house these days) or using Dory, my "mega wheelchair." I believe that is because it screams "I have a legit disability!!!" Dory for sure gets me treated even better than my travel wheelchair Ariel. I'm guessing because of the size and gadgets it just "looks more disabled".

Vroooom!
Me and Dory taking off from my Mom's house.

So what would happen if I have blue hair, piercings all over, riding in a scooter, wearing rainbow yoga pants and an obscure 80's band t-shirt carrying a unicorn backpack on my back? If you add to that it is a person of color and a very large person I'm sure she'd end up a meme on someone's Instagram account, or be filmed against her will and uploaded to YouTube with some horrible comments being made. That's my guess. Because this person is too far outside of what our culture deems "normal" and they deserve to be punished for it.

Even with knowing all this to be true I still choose to push the boundaries on normalized culture. I feel it's the only way to create change for the good. For there to be love instead of hatred and prejudice. Because I am a social justice warrior and a feminist and that will never change no matter how severe my disability becomes. 

With not being able to work right now. Not being able to help people the way that I used to. Living with this core value of loving people and fighting against stigma in even the smallest way still gives me a strong sense of purpose. Something everyone needs in life.