Still Healing

I've been doing Yoga at home and a little bit of meditation lately. As in the last two weeks or so. My special room came along wonderful and is almost complete. It's a great space to do those things in, with my dogs staring at me of course. But that's much better than leaving them for the gym. Although I digress...

My point is that while I was meditating this morning I was trying to open myself up with my mind. Explore my body and see where the tension and pain is and what's causing it. I noticed that I felt very raw inside. Like an M&M but instead of chocolate I am a big, open, void of pain. That really shocked me. I leaned in even more to that feeling and saw it stemmed from the last five years of my disability being so serious. 

My loves, Margo (left) and Max (in the orange shirt)

I tend to gloss over things and move on to the next, on to the next. I tell myself that I sat with feelings and experiences but I think that's often a lie. I'm great at helping others sit with their feelings, but garbage at doing it myself. No shocker there. "Do as I say, not as I do."

I realized when really listening to that void that I am still healing from that experience. Of course I am. It has only been five months! That's what I would tell a client. "Of course you are! Hardly any time has passed at all!"

I've gone from not being able to walk around our neighborhood block to doing it while walking one dog and carrying another (poor sick Max) in a sling. All in five months. That's nothing short of miraculous.

Margo with her favorite toy

But what of all the other things that I can't see. That I'm "glossing over." All the time spent asleep. Those lost hours. Time spent not engaging with the world in the way that I'm used to. Energy spent on mobility challenges. The pain all of that caused both mental and physical. The impact it had on my relationships. On my husband, mother and son. I'm still feeling that.

I like meditation because it's a time to pause and really open myself up. I'm a person who needs time and space for that. 

Yoga makes me stronger and more flexible. But it also puts me in touch with my body. With my pain. And lets me know my limits right then and there.

Together both help me explore this new body of mine with love and intention. It's something I desperately need.

Sleeping Beauty

Sacred Space

My job is very intense. I hear a lot of stories about people suffering and their struggles. People always ask me how I do it? How do I manage hearing such horror stories without having it affect me. How do I not absorb it like a sponge?

Well first of all not all the stories I hear are awful. If you look close enough you can find hope, tenacity, strength and beauty in almost all of them. Second I've had a lot of training to not let it effect me. But most importantly I believe in letting those stories go into the universe. Regardless your beliefs, faith, spirituality or religion I feel this is a helpful practice.

Personally I consider myself a Progressive Christian, but I have many Buddhist leanings as well. Did you know that Buddhism isn't really a religion, but a Philosophy? You can be Buddhist regardless of your religion. Fascinating! As a Progressive Christian prayer is very important to me. I pray for all of my clients at least once a day. I don't feel I need "formal petitionary prayer" like our Grandparents used to do. Like Mindfulness you can do it anytime, anywhere. But I was feeling the need to carve out a special little spot for myself to re-charge my empathetic batteries.

Enter the "Meditation/Prayer Closet." It took me about 3 days to complete (thank you chronic illness.) I remember a time when I could have done it in 1. But I did it and the only part I didn't do myself was brining my couch in. I'm grateful for help with the big things. It was important to me to do as much of it as I could on my own though, since it's my special place.

It used to be a closet in what used to be my son's room. Now it's MY room. I love it. It's the first space I've had as an adult that I got to decorate 100% just the way I wanted to. Apparently my taste can be defined as "little girl pretending to be a grown woman."

Would you like a tour of the whole room?
I thought so.

Yes I like sharks. And teal. And Disney.

This is where I keep Ariel parked and charging.

I LOVE the new sheep skin arm covers.

Here's my purse collection, shoes and shower stool.
Also my rather large jewelry collection.

That desk is where I do my makeup.

It used to be where I did my homework, but thank God that part of my life is over and done with.

We have one tiny bathroom, so this gives me a good spot to get around that's not in the way. It works out really well. 

The meditation closet, my scarf collection, my antique pie safe that holds my linens and my dog's butt. 

I adore this old pie safe.
And HERE'S my dog's head!
Those are art supplies on top and a too large stuffed animal collection.

This is a fun corner. It's all about my husband and I having fun and making the most out of life. I have Disney pins, a cross-stitch of our family that I made a long time ago, important quotes, tickets to great things we've seen and done...You get the picture (literally! Hah!)