Don't Just Get Clean

I was watching an episode of Queer Eye the other night and a topic came up that resonated with me. One of the people on the show said something to the effect of: When you're showering, don't just have the intention of "getting clean." Rather see it as a time just for you. Honor yourself. Make it an experience and take time to connect with your body.

Since I view my body as a betrayer, this is very hard for me. Medical trauma is very real. I thought about what I had heard. The person on the receiving end of this advice was also a big giver to other people. I reflected back on what I think of my body and how I have treated it since becoming ill and I saw something interesting.

In the past I would shave my head because it was easier to just not think about or fuss with my hair. (Or because I was too weak to shampoo my hair.) I don't wear makeup often because I don't like the feel of it. I didn't wash my face (outside of a shower) because my complexion was clear. I just stopped spending time on my looks. This all coincided with my illness.

Yes, I would go back and forth on coloring my hair. I wanted to go natural, but then I would feel like I looked old and sick and I would switch it up again.

But something recently changed.

I can't pinpoint it exactly.

Firstly it could have been my wonderful birthday party. Being around such magnificent women and being restored with feminine energy. It really was a magical evening.

Secondly it could have been me learning about animal testing and the cruelty in the beauty industry. Everything from our shampoo, deodorant to my face products were from evil companies. I vowed to do better this year.

Slowly I made a shift. 

I started by learning more about what "mature" skin needs and the changes that happen with age. I'm growing my hair out again (though I'm done with color... for now.) I tried out a brand that I'd used a few of their products in the past and liked them. They are local, woman owned, Vegan and cruelty free. I'm super happy with what I've bought so far.

Next I made a new skincare routine for myself. I do it every morning and every night. It is some special time just for me to relax and meditate. I'm trying to take extra good care of my eyes to prevent future styes.

I have a very simple makeup routine that doesn't feel gross on my skin. Again, using natural cruelty free brands.

I'm trying to "feel into my skin." Not just dissociate and "get clean." 

All or Nothing

My mom and I were talking yesterday and I mentioned how if I'm going to change a habit I am "all or nothing" about it. Doing things a little bit at a time never worked for me. Case in point. My wonderful husband and I have been together 33 years. I was pregnant within 3 months of dating (the second time around.) SURPRISE! And we moved in together two weeks after I found out. We were married less than a year later. All or nothing. And that worked out just fine for me.

So I don't just start eating one Vegan meal a week. I go full Vegan. It's going great.

I don't just "watch my spending." I stop spending completely. Well, now that Target's off limits (for supporting ICE) there goes a giant will to spend. I'm also in the "purging" phase of the year. Cleaning things out. Giving away. Not the acquiring phase, so that helps. 

A beautiful orchid I brought back from the dead.

A friend gives me her dead orchids and I bring them back to life.

Honestly I really want for nothing. I have a closet literally bursting with beautiful clothes. I have shoes that keep my feet comfy and ankles stable. I have a travel wheelchair, big wheelchair and walking sticks. I have a stunning new car. A warm house to keep me safe. Plenty of good food to eat. Books to read, TV to watch, a soft bed to rest in. More than enough blankets to wrap up in. Hot water for bathing. You get the idea. In many parts of the world I would be considered RICH.

Most of all I have many people who love and care about me. That feels amazing. So no... I don't need to go to Home Goods and get that Valentines placement. I want to go to the pottery studio and create something that didn't exist before I made it.

I don't want to go to Costco and buy new pillows. I want to get berries to feed my mitochondria. I want to walk my dogs, hug a tree, watch the birds, build a birdhouse, tend my garden, hug people I love. All free pleasures in life. I'm all in.

SLOW THE F*%& DOWN!

My mom says a lot of very true, on-point things. One of the things she is always telling me (has always told me) is to SLOW DOWN! I rush through everything. Even getting out of the car. She laughed the other day and said I'm just like the dogs (or are they just like me?) Always ready to jump out of the car before the brake is even on.

In my efforts to go slow I made a few changes.

I love the smell and warm glow of candles.

One has been reading at night rather than being on my phone. I'm not 100% perfect, but it has been really wonderful. I'm enjoying large print saucy reads and sleeping much better because of it. 

Total smut. But oh so fun!

Another change I made is switching from my Nespresso pods every morning to slow drip coffee. I read online someone doing this in an effort to have a slower morning. I thought it made good financial sense as well.

I bought this little 5 cup machine on eBay.

The other thing I've been doing for a while now is turning on the live feed from one of my favorite places in the world... Monterey Bay. I bet you thought I was going to say Hawaii? Well, that's number 2. But to see the otters and seals in real time. That stormy sea so alive. The people-less beaches. Well, it's a magical way to start the day. I pretend it's my window as I watch.

After my slow coffee by the bay I walk the dogs (if I have the energy.) And that's my easy morning. I know what a luxury it is to be able to indulge like this. I remember hitting the ground running when I worked full time. Then "luxury" time was my commute when I sang out loud in my car or listened to the news. Yeah... this is better.

Max, Margo and Mom. Living our best lives.

Addicted

I've recently been trying to learn as much as I can about my disease. Science is an ever changing, ever evolving beast. Especially when it comes to mitochondrial functioning and its role in multiple disorders.

One thing that stood out to me was the emphasis on sleep. How getting a good night's sleep is vital to good immunity and mitochondrial health. To say I don't get good sleep is an understatement. But that's in big part due to my phone. It is glued to my hand from the time I hit the sheets till around 2AM. Not healthy at all.

She doesn't look like a siren, but she is!

So last night I decided I'm changing that bad habit. I made my bed all nice, turned off all of the lights. Even my little nightlight and closed my eyes to sleep.

The urge to pick up my phone was insane. Partly due to my ADD brain wanting to look things up, add something to my Target cart, or check in with people I don't even know. Damn. I am completely addicted and I didn't even realize it.

"You knowwwww you want to shop. I bet someone is having a saaaaaaale"

It felt exactly like when I left Facebook for good about eight years ago now. I deleted my account and that was that. I didn't notice how much it had tentacled into every facet of my life until I quit cold turkey. I felt a physical pull to get back on it that was terrifying. I had been so completely addicted to it and I didn't even know it.

The fact that last night was so incredibly hard for me and that I felt that same magnetic pull to get on my phone just validated that I did the right thing. And just like Facebook, I didn't realize that I was addicted. I thought it was a preference or something I enjoyed. Not that I would feel the loss like a tooth pulled.

"I bet that comment you left is up to 5K likes now. What's your friend in Australia doing? I bet she's up."

I stayed off of it and fell asleep after a restless 30-45 minutes. Not bad. And I slept very well. Hmmmm. Coincidence? 

Oh yes. I also read a real book for the first time in ages. Bridgerton. The first one. Saucy. I felt like someone from Little House on the Prairie. Laying in bed reading. Wow! What a novel idea. Something I did all the time before the iPhone. 

I Am An Athlete

Ok... I'm not.

But my muscles THINK that I am. They conk out too fast like a marathon runner who is a professional body builder on the weekdays. Given that. I need to eat like a professional athlete.

I'm not talking about the 5,000+ calories a day. I'm talking about all the supplements, protein and muscle support foods that I can get. That means the very best breakfast I can have is a protein shake.

I don't always do this because:
1) It takes a lot of spoons to make (metaphorically speaking. Not literally.)
2) It requires a lot of ingredients = $$$$$$$
3) I don't always feel like drinking my breakfast. I girl likes to chew every once in a while.
4) It can be high in calories.
5) No matter what I put in, it doesn't taste amazing.

Here are the basic components I put in mine to feed my muscles and my body:
1) Some kind of frozen fruit. Typically mixed organic berries. Between 1/2 to 1 cup.
2) Some kind of oatmilk or juice. Between 1/2 to 1 cup.

3) Some kind of organic protein powder. Typically chocolate or vanilla. 1 scoop.

4) Powder fiber (I tend to run constipated thanks to all my pain medication.)
5) 1 tsp ground flax.

6) My recent addition to the mix, organic Inulin.

7) Filtered water.
8) Unflavored European style yogurt (if I have it on hand). 1/4 to 1/2 a cup.

Then I just blend the crap out of it and drink it. I splurged last year and bought official shake cups that come with those little metal balls in them for shaking. I find it really useful because try as I might things tend to settle fast. So unless I chug it like the athlete that I am, I tend to want to shake it a little.

I've also switched from my usual coffee brimming with barista style oatmilk and brown sugar to British tea with just a dash of honey. I'll still have coffee on the weekends. And you'll never see me without a massive cup of water. 

Here's my ideal breakfast

Something new that I'm trying also as a coffee replacement is sipping barely sweetened cacao. Just hot water, cocoa, a tiny bit of sweetener (your choice what kind), some Mexican vanilla, a dash of salt. Voila! You can add cinnamon if you like as well. 

The Cacao Powder I enjoy

You can learn about the differences in Cacao and Cocoa here. 

I am Miss Piggy! I am!

Times and Tides

I have learned in my 51 years on this planet that if I pay close attention, nature is the best teacher of all. That's one of the things I love most about Polynesian culture. Although it's not the only culture that lives so close to the Earth, it's the main one that I know and admire. Living on a volcanic island, like Hawaii and Iceland, you can't help but live in sync with nature. You are hugely dependent on nature for your survival. Any second you could be wiped out by her wrath, or enormously rewarded. We've lost that connection in more urban environments. No matter how many parks and green belts there are.

Not the same as a park

One of the big lessons nature taught me is that no growth can occur without destruction. Usually complete and violent destruction. Mother Nature loves nothing more than a clean slate. I respect that hugely. I look back on my life and see my own biggest periods of growth occurring after total devastation.

The Hawaiians also know this, which is why they focus on the "now" so intensely. Everyone has heard of "island time" and "hang loose." To me those mean exactly what my mother practices and knows so well. "Life's too short and precious to rush through." It's very easy to get caught up in the pressures of everyone else around you and start rushing through everything, even when there's no need. Rushing to our cars from the store. Rushing through the store. Rushing to the store. What happens if we're late? Typically nothing awful. You're just a little late *but not by "Island Time!"

Hawaiians also take full advantage of all of nature's gifts. The original native diet was very high in fish and fruits. It wasn't until American's came to take over that we introduced Spam. Although the Japanese labor force that was imported in to work the pineapple fields can take the blame for rice. I felt like I had never eaten a banana before until I had an Apple Banana in Hawaii right off the tree. Here we shop at the grocery store, or if you're very lucky, the Farmer's Market. But we typically eat far from nature. 

I'm very guilty of this. Frozen pizza, macaroni and cheese, heck! Even just cheese and yogurt. All are heavily processed foods that are known to contribute to disease. Does that stop me? No. It's what I grew up with and what I love. Though culture can and does change. Again, nature taught me that nothing is permanent and everything changes all the time. Even when you can't see it. Seashores are being eroded. Soil shifted. Rocks worn away. Diamonds created from stardust. Humans from blobs of cells. 

There is nothing from nature on this truck

Every so often I feel like I wake up from a culture induced stupor and wake up to the tides of nature. Fall has historically been one of those times for me. The changes in the natural world are so profound at this time that I can't help but to take notice. This always has been a time of inward reflection for me. This fall I didn't like what I saw.

I saw myself self-sabotaging over and over and over again. Doing nothing to support my own health. And little that nurtures my mental well-being. I have been shoving down the anger and grief over the death of the main male figure in my life, my Grandfather, who passed violently three short months ago. I have been feeding myself to comfort mentally rather than feeding myself what I know I need physically. I have been taking great care of others and not so great care of myself. A tried and true pattern of mine. I put other's preferences ahead of my own and lose focus of my own path as it crosses with others.

I am painfully aware of how easy it would be for my to lose myself completely to my new family. Stop going to the gym and just focus on them. But I have goals and I need to re-focus right now.

My Goals (what I want to re-focus on)

1.  My health. Eating the foods I need to eat to be as strong and healthy as possible. High fiber whole foods that will product short-chain fatty acids in my gut microbiome. Not long. This also includes going to the gym at least three times a week to work on my strength and flexibility. 
   
   
   
2. My creativity. Setting aside time for writing, ceramics, drawing, painting, whatever I want to express what's inside me.
   
   
3. My emotions. Processing my feelings about the horrible death of my grandfather.
   
   
4. My empathy. Spending time with my son, my mother and my new family. Also in here I put completing my CEU's to maintain my MFT license.
   
   
5. Making Money. Selling our unwanted stuff on eBay and maybe starting a support group of some kind. Getting back to working one or two days a week.

To accomplish my goals I need to be committed. Dedication and focus is what I need right now. Because there will always be more laundry and I don't need mac n' cheese.

I rebuke you Satan! 

I'm Not That Person... Yet

In my dream life... 

I'm up with the sun at 6AM. I start the day with a protein smoothie (not a giant mug of coffee). I pull on my workout clothes, kiss my dogs and head to the gym. After an hour of yoga or swimming I come home, shower and dress for the day. It's now around 9AM. I take my puppies out for a walk or adventure in town. They come home pooped and we're all ready for some food. I have a healthy little cup of yogurt, blueberries and gluten free granola (or some hot oatmeal). 

It's now around 10:30. Time for some art! I work on a painting, or drawing, or just play around. Maybe I even have a pottery studio? I throw on my apron and do some sculpting. Or perhaps photography? Art till 12 my dear.

I break for a small lunch with my honey. Maybe a chicken salad? Light, healthy and filling. Protein to keep me going through the day. In this dream life I have no cravings and am satisfied with what I have. 

Look at everything I've accomplished and it's only 1PM!

Now I work from 1-3PM. Maybe it's writing a book, paperwork for my support groups, volunteer work or just reading a good book.

3-4 House time. I work on a house project, garden, meal prep, do laundry or clean something up. 

It's already 4PM and now it's time to walk the dogs again. After another adventure they're ready for their dinner. Lucky dogs. I play with them after dinner. 

5-6 I'm on my computer. Blogging, e-mailing friends, posting pictures of my art. Whatever I choose.

6 We start making dinner together while talking about our busy day. We're both tired, but happy.

7-9 TV while getting my feet rubbed and petting the dogs. I'm sandwiched between them loving life.

9 is bedtime. I'm exhausted after such a busy day.

Although this isn't my life yet, it's pretty close. I still rest most days in the middle of the day. Like 3-5PM if I do. I also tend to sleep in almost every morning. Some mornings I even sleep till 10AM. I can't tell you the last time I was up at 6AM.

I haven't been back to my gym in two weeks. Something I want to remedy. A long time to go without vigorous exercise or yoga. I'd like to be more consistent.

Life happens. Things get in the way. I want to learn to pivot better and stick with what really matters to me. Art, health and happiness.

Habits

My mother and I describe ourselves as the "Queens of lists". Every week we sit down and make a list of things we've been talking about. Usually something on a deep level or something we'd like to explore and grow in some way.

Last week we were discussing habits. Specifically things we'd like to become more of a "good" habit. Here's what I came up with:

Of course I also listen to my body. She comes first and sometimes habits fall by the wayside. Like this morning we were going to go swimming together, but my body just screamed "NOPE! No spoons for that today!" And I listened. Not something I used to be able to do at all, so I guess it is a new habit after all?

Here's me participating in some new weekly habits.

My new habits combined with my refusal to compare myself to my "old" self have resulted in something I really needed. A new routine in my life. A new way of living and being in the world. Which have resulted in this!...