Portion Size Confusion

I looooove food. 

Food and I have been having a passionate love affair for years now. Decades really. I have no idea when food switched for me from being tasty and something I had to do to stay alive to something I live to do. I don't feel it's healthy for me and I don't want food to take up so much space in my life. Enter my plan to eat six smaller meals a day. Yes, this is for my health, but it's also a way to educate myself about food and renew my relationship with it in a hopefully healthier way.

It's only been two days since I've changed how I eat, but I've already learned a lot about myself.

1. I have no idea how many calories are in something. My guesses are always WAY off.
2. I like eating healthy foods.

Seriously though. I looked up a portion size, then measured or weighed out what that is for each of these foods. Would you have guessed these are one serving size?

I thought I would be starving eating so little, but when I'm eating every 2 hours I don't think my body has a chance to feel hungry. Yesterday was the first day I kept actual track and set alarms on my phone. This isn't me being obsessive, but instead trying to learn what six meals a day really feels like. It's new and I need help learning.

I prepared some easy to eat things this week for in-between meals. For other meals (like dinner) we have a weekly menu board in our kitchen. My husband also wants to eat less, so that makes it much easier!

• Already sliced and prepared fresh veg
• Boiled eggs
• Salted roasted peanuts
• Avocados
• Cottage cheese (whole fat)
• Fruit for dessert

Wish me luck!

Scary morning choke

I was writing a long post about ways to take care of my body when I realized what I really wanted to talk about what how I scared the shit out of myself this morning.

Let me back up...

I pride myself in being able to swallow a lot of pills at once. It's stupid. I'm not into self deprecation typically, but come on. That's a stupid thing to be proud of. So I don't do it at night when my muscles are a bit weaker, but first thing in the morning is usually fine. Except for this morning. I popped all eleven pills of varying sizes into my mouth along with a lot of water. ELEVEN pills!

Well, the next thing I know one of the smaller buggers is lodged firmly in my windpipe. I feel the horrible familiar feeling and a wash of fear and panic comes over me. Lucky for me everything else went down the right way. I immediately lean over my bed and give a strong cough. It didn't come right out, instead disintegrating enough to go up my nose and out a little bit, but I could still feel some in my wind pipe. 

I think it was an Aleve pain pill because it burned like a mo-fo all through my nose and down. As soon as I'd cleared what I could out I knew I had to stop the burning. I poured myself a big glass of unsweetened soymilk and added about a tablespoon of honey to it. It felt lovely going down my burning mouth and in the back of my throat.

Next I sat naked in my hot shower on my lovely shower stool and coughed up as much as I could. I also vacillated between self flagellation about taking so many pills at once and being kind and loving to myself about how scary an experience it was.

With fear comes change...

I've resolved to take my pills 1-2 at a time like a normal human earthling should. I also want to take them in the same room as another person when I can. It was scary to know I could have choked to death in the bedroom without anyone in my house even knowing. It was a bit of a wakeup call to take my condition more seriously. With each cough in the shower I could feel my lungs getting more and more fatigued. 

I also had a lot of gratitude that I didn't die. Life is so fragile and it only takes one mistake to end it all. I've had many moments like that to be grateful for. It can be easy to see the hardships and miss sight of the blessings. I feel blessed today that I didn't die.

It's ok to struggle

This chronic illness life is such a roller coaster ride. Not just for me, but for my husband too. One moment I'll feel I've hit homeostasis and I can work with all these symptoms and challenges. Then the next something new will come along, or something will get worse and I'm tossed into a sea of frustration once again. 

A lot of the time I really do feel like two people. One healthy and able bodied and the other sick, chronically ill and immobile. More and more I feel that one healthy side of me literally dying. My husband jokingly tells me "Don't you die on me"! And I always promise to "do my best". But it does feel like a long slow death of the "healthy me".

Turning into a mermaid

To me the "healthy me" is the one who didn't need to nap every single day, who didn't have to think about the accessibility of a place before I went somewhere. Who didn't have to measure what I could do during the day in spoons (energy) and not do a lot of what I really want to because I just can't. The healthy me could eat whatever, go for a walk, hike, run, take a bath, have an orgasm and other things that I just can't do now. She's dying and it feels like a serious loss.

Sometimes that loss feels like my heart will break and I will drown in my disability. Some nights it feels like I'll just stop breathing or never be able to walk again. Sometimes I think of taking a lot of pills or drinking a lot of booze to just get the pain to stop for a little while. But I never make those choices.

Instead I choose continue to fight and swim against this tide pulling me down. I come up for air, and gasp before going down again. Sometimes I get hopeful at a doctors visit or with a new medication and I feel like I have some new floaties to help keep me above water. 

What really saves me and always has is knowing my husband is right there with me. Holding me up. Keeping my head above water so I can continue to struggle and try to learn to go along with my symptoms. Rest, recover, heal, eat well, pull back, reach out. All of these things help. But that doesn't mean they're easy. 

SHE also helps a lot. "My little nap buddy". Pulling back on work has also been useful. This week I also decided to apply for State Disability. Despite pulling back on my work week and working from home one day a week I don't want to come to a point where I wake up one day and just can't do it at all. I'm trying to be ahead of these symptoms for once and not go under the next time a big wave hits. 

Faces of Change

2015

Today - 2018