Medication Induced Depression

(I'm too tired to come up with a pithy title) 

Uh oh. The Lamotragine that I’ve been taking for seizures has had some MAJOR side effects. This is the first time ever that a “Black Box Warning” has hit me. And it hit me HARD. Hard is actually an understatement. It’s awful. As soon as I hit the maximum dose I became so depressed I was suicidal. It slowly creeped up as my dose increase. But it took me a while to connect the dots. Because at the same time I was also instructed to get off of Amantadine.

Amantadine has been a vital medication. It’s used off label for Parkinsons. But for me it’s very helpful for muscle pain and twitches/spasms. So being told to stop taking it has made me incredibly nervous. And for good reason. Exactly what I was concerned about happened. Though I was told that taking it would increase my risk for seizures. However, I’m at the point now that I really don’t care.

 My side effects from the Lamotragine have been:

• Horrible depression
• Urinary retention
• Headaches
• Insomnia 

After I felt like I should go to the hospital for suicidal thoughts I messaged my epilepsy neurologist. They said if it happens again to go straight to the hospital. They also decreased my dose from 300mg to 250. I’m going to very gradually go off of it. They can just put me on something else. It will take about a month for me to complete the decrease.

I am eager to say the least. I wish I could just stop taking it. But that is dangerous and can bring on seizures.

My depression used to be a zero. I would say that I had no depression at all (despite my challenges.) This week it was a 7-9 out of 10. Incredibly high. And I realized something. When I’m depressed I eat and eat. I give in to my food cravings 100%. And like the depression, at first I wasn’t connecting the two. Only the other day did I think “Maybe this is from depression?” That was after I consumed an entire 10 pack of Ding Dongs. By the way… they no longer wrap them in foil which is BULLSHIT. It also shows how long its been since I had one.

Pizza, ding dongs, crackers and cheese, peanut butter and chocolate ice cream, doughnuts. All have found their way into my house and into my mouth. It feels like one of those old “before the picture starts visit our snack bar” cartoons where all the food is animated and I just sit on the couch as they march right into my mouth. Jesus.

But I told my mom today. “I’m just going through so much right now that I’m giving myself a break.” I’m still weighing myself and logging it. I’m just not being hard on myself about that number. I know it will go up. Even if I’ve been gardening, swimming and working like a fiend on my house. That’s something else I do if I’m feeling emotional or not mentally well. I work on re-arranging my house and trying to “make it better.”

I’m back on a singly dose of my Amantadine. Next week I can increase it to two in the morning which was where I was at. Hopefully that will help my pain and muscle problems. I’m terrified that the depression will linger until I’m fully off the Lamotragine. Or even after. Fuck fuck fuck.

 

 

Powering Down

 So this is a thing...

It's called Livedo Reticularis. My doctors think I developed it from my Amantadine (aka: God's Cure Pill). It came on in May after my horrid sinus infection. I think they're wrong and it's from that virus. But they wanted me to stop taking Amantadine till I can be evaluated by a Dermatologist. Insert two month wait here.

Unfortunately without my Amantadine, this happened...

No, I didn't turn into a turtle. Not even a Ninja one.

Everything became slooooooow. I'm more tired in the morning (though I am sleeping deeper). The worse of it is my muscles became about 50% weaker. It has had a huge impact on my quality of life.

It has been about 11 days now with no improvement in my legs. They get much worse if I stand or walk. Last night I messaged my doctor to see if there's anything we can do while we wait to see what the dermatologist has to say. Blood labs? Antibiotics? I'm feeling desperate.

Because I'm moving less I also hurt more. It's a mess how that works. It's also been too hot to swim this week, which STINKS! Swimming helps me feel much better.

In the meantime I'm eating more to self-sooth, which isn't really helping my body either. ACK!

This little guy always helps!

I just have to ration my spoons even more than I was before. I have about 3 spoons per day or so when I used to have 6-10. And bathing always takes at least 1. Bummer.

I'm hoping for a situation update soon!

Finding My Way

 

At 48 years old I feel like I'm finally finding my way. The way to really care for myself. With the same deep passion that I care for my family that I love so much.

CARE is such a lovely word. I sign off all my correspondence with "Take Care." I say that because it's important to me that everyone takes care of themselves. It is true what they say that you can't take care of anyone else if you don't take care of yourself first. Although I believe that you CAN take care of others, it's just not as healthy for you or the people you love. Putting yourself first is actually an act of love for others. This is something I'm just coming to realize.

Showing I care about myself through food choices.

I have always been a giver to others. Not materialistically, but emotionally and with my time and energy. As I aged I learned that it's important to say "no" to some people and some obligations. I thought that was all I needed to be mentally and physically healthy. Well, that and a Starbucks with a pedicure once in a while.

The older I get (and wiser I hope) the more I realize there's much much more to caring for yourself than sweet coffee and paying people to rub your feet. There's...

• Thoughts about myself, my body and my actions.
• Self talk. Am I being kind to myself?
• What I am choosing to put in and on my body.
• Am I committing self harm with my eating and lifestyle choices?
• How I spend my time.
• Am I connecting with people who make me more?
• My goals and dreams for myself.

Each of these can be a gateway to either self care or self harm. In the past, I don't think I was always choosing the CARE way. 

Some things I am committed to working on and changing are...

• Going down to a healthier weight for my body.
• Moving my body more through stretching, swimming and using my stationary bike pedals.
• Eating "good for me" foods that I would have skipped over in the past for tastier options.
• Ditching the chemicals on my body (hair dye, makeup, deodorant.)
• Setting new goals for myself.
• Exploring my new identity as a disabled person unable to work.
• Playing with my creative side.
• Relishing time in nature.

Caring for myself more may mean caring about other things less. Things like youth culture, other people's opinion, things I cannot control, other people's choices... Because caring to me is also really all about choices. Picking and choosing what I do, what I say, who I spend time with, how I feed myself. It's all one small choice at a time. 

How I imaging me and my friends in 20 more years.

Life is very short and I want to make sure I enjoy my ride as much as I can. That means being in the best health possible, as strong as possible (both mentally and physically) and not wasting time on things that don't matter. It's up to me what kind of life I create for myself. And I find it worth the work.

Emotional Intelligence

The most important skill that I have learned is how to not let other's emotions and my own emotions impact me. Even now it is still challenging to remember to use my techniques to not let strong emotions affect me. But my ability is there and more often than not I can manage it.

What's the secret?

For me it goes like this...

1) NOTICE. I can't change anything I don't notice. I notice my own strong negative feeling and how it's affecting me physically. Or I notice that someone close to me is having a strong emotion and how it's making me feel physically. Step 1 glides right into step 2.

2) FEEL it in my body. Does my chest feel tight? Has my breathing sped up? Are my shoulders rising?

3) CHANGE. I slow my breathing intentionally or take a deep breath if my breathing stopped. If the negative emotion is external then typically the person will also take a deep breath automatically. I relax my shoulders and check my posture. 

4) VISUALIZE. If the emotion is particularly strong, it is helpful for me to take a moment for some internal visualization. I picture the emotion as water washing over me, but not through me. Or I'm sitting on a riverbank watching the emotion go by, floating on a leaf. Sometimes I picture my emotion is a stone that I'm holding in my hand. This helps me examine it more closely. Why am I feeling this? What can I do to resolve it?

For example... Something happens to make me feel angry.

1) I notice that I'm feeling angry.

2) I feel the anger as a knot in my stomach and see that my fists are clinched.

3) I actively unclinch my fists and start deep belly breathing.

4) I hold the anger as a fire ball in my mind and examine it. What just happened? If my anger is valid, I imagine I let it go like a dragonfly into the universe. If not I look within to see why what just happened made me feel so angry. Am I instead feeling afraid, vulnerable? Anger is often a shield for other emotions.

I can easily go through life being continuously reactionary. It's not at all hard to do. I'm very empathic and pick up on other's emotions easily. Being able to filter out what warrants a reaction and what is just better to let pass is the most important skill I've learned. It helps me feel calm, centered and saves my energy for much more important things like love.

Overwhelmed

This week has been insane. I'm about to see my mother face to face for the first time in 15 years, my temporary disability was approved, my husband is going away for the weekend and I cleaned out my office to move 100% to working from home. 

Usually any one of those things would set me into a tailspin of feelings, lung crushing anxiety, nights of insomnia and nightmares, cold sweats of insecurity... but oddly enough I'm actually coping. Coping really well. ON TOP of working 30hours this week. Not easy to do feeling how I feel even during a stable week. But to do it THIS WEEK? I seriously deserve an award. 

"Overwhelmed" is almost as familiar a feeling to me as "frustrated". So what's keeping me cool this week? I think it's the following.

1. I'm sharing my feelings. I'm letting my loved ones know that I'm feeling sad about giving up my office and mad that someone I don't like will be moving in. I worked very hard to get that office and it symbolizes a lot to me.
   
2. Awareness. My office is just that... a symbol. I'm the one who made it special. My job is just changing, not ending.
   
3. Asking for help. I've been communicating with my husband about the disability process and asking for help with it (like the whole evil math thing).
   
4. Not being impulsive. This is huge for me. I tend to do things I don't like quickly just to get them done. But I'm not rushing with the disability information. I want to understand the math and be clear on my options.
   
5. Resting. I'm not putting everyone and everything first. I'm coming first this week. What I want and don't want. What I can do and can't do. I'm going to bed early and resting whenever I can. That has been helping a lot!
   
6. Mindfulness. Staying focused on the present moment. I remembered the other day that I am a "human being" not a human doing. So be. Don't project into the future or the past. Time travel is not needed here. Just my attention to the right now. 

I'd be lying if I said I was a chill Buddha cucumber. But I'm also not a distracted wreck. And I'll take that!