Re-Imagining Me

I've been trying to have a big mental shift. It isn't easy. At my age my thinking is pretty set. However if I shifted it to become a full time student at the age of 40, then I can do this. I accomplished a hell of a lot for my career. I have shown myself what I can do when I put my mind, time and energy to something.

In the past this was how my brain worked:

90% Illness

10% Everyone else, including me

My illness was in the drivers seat. I did anything I could to self-comfort. Social media, fast food, limiting how physical I was, ignoring it and just surviving. Not much of a focus on thriving.

But the power of the mind is mighty. Here's what I'm working towards:

75% ME

my food, being in nature, art, creativity, spirituality, relationships

25% Illness (appointments, crash days, pacing, pain, insomnia)

Rather than numbing myself out of my illness I'm leaning in and making friends with it. I'm not "managing" or "surviving." I am nurturing and feeding my body what she needs to do her best. By leaning in and listening. Rest, art, movement, beauty, nature, good nutrition... These are things I need. 

Terrifying Side Effect

My health feels overwhelming most of the time. 

Yesterday I had a major episode that was truly terrifying. I had my annual flu shot in the morning. I've never had an issue with it ever in the past, nor with any other vaccination. Ever. Yesterday was a first. Three hours after my shot I felt myself getting weaker. By five I was terrified. I was home alone and my muscles were so weak I could barely work my phone or speak. I though about calling my mom over, but my husband was due to be home any second. I also thought about calling 911, but I didn't want the dogs upset. (Yes... even my dogs come before me.) 

Finally my husband came home. As soon as I started talking to him I started sobbing. I mean 'snot crying' big time. I could hardly get out what happened to me between the tears and muscle weakness. Somehow he understood. I asked him to make me a Gatorade. The last in the house. It has helped in the past. He then crawled into bed with me and comforted me. It was all very helpful. I decided I would wait and see if I got any worse and if I did, then I would go to the hospital. 

Fortunately I didn't get worse. After about 90 minutes after the Gatorade I even improved a little. The tide was being pulled back. I was so scared. To suddenly lose your muscle strength like you've been hit with a blow dart. It is a very horrific thing to experience. I haven't had that happen to me for about four years now. The last time I went to the hospital by ambulance. 

I still feel weak today. When I went to the hospital what made me better was a full IV fluid bag and antihistamines. Strange. My body is such a complex creature. When she's unhappy, she lets me know it with both barrels!

I've been very busy lately. Living my life to the fullest. Family, kids, the ballet, stand up, late nights, company, booze. Not sticking 100% to my short chain fatty acid diet. Working out extra hard, pushing myself over my limit. It's time to pull back and turtle up for a bit. Let my body calm down and recover.

A little taste of my busy life

Post Script - My muscle weakness got much worse after I wrote this. My neurologist had a nurse practitioner call in and check on me. I had sent them a message last night about what happened. She urged me to go to the ER to run labs and just double check that I hadn't had a stroke. 

After 3 hours there I had every reassurance that what I thought had happened was what happened and nothing else. No infection. No stroke. Nothing else. It was very scary though and I'm for sure skipping my flu vaccination next year. This morning I'm feeling much better. 

Things in the way (AKA: LIFE!)

Life will always throw distractions in the way. Unfortunately I'm part bird, so I'm easily distracted by the shiny and new. I'd much rather play on my Instagram gardening page apparently then focus on the really important.

My hobby - rescuing plants from our local dumpster. 
It's so rewarding!

In fact I've been feeling SO incredibly distracted lately that I had to sit myself down and make a list. Here it is. It's called "What Matters to Me."

• ·     Money back from old gym
• ·     Re-Join new gym
• ·     Lose weight
• ·     Do Yoga again
• ·     Sell the eBay stuff to make trip money
• ·     Re-activate my MFT license (take needed CEU’s)
• ·     Help Papa get into VA home
• ·     Stay on budget

That last one is rough. I'm not known for keeping a close eye on my budget. Especially with the cost of everything rising 20% recently. But I want my husband to be able to retire as soon as possible, so this needs to become important to me. 

I will always make time for art.
My latest ceramic piece. A little garden Goddess.

Getting rid of things I'm not using and letting them go to people who will love and use them is why I'm selling some belongings on eBay. It makes me feel good that something I'm just holding onto will instead be important to someone else. I'm happy there's a way I can do that and also make a little money. That matters to me.

I miss my old gym terribly. Luckily so does my mother. It's going to be hard for me to get my money out of them. Sadly I can't afford both the new membership and for the old gym to keep my money (see "stay on budget.") Good thing I'm not terrible at getting what I want. I hope I don't have to escalate things with them though. That takes time and energy I'd rather spend at the gym.

Margo and Max will also always get my time and attention.

In fact, they get the most of it.

My two toddlers.

In the meantime there's nothing stopping me from doing Yoga (other than myself.) I managed to do "Chair Yoga" once this week. I'm going to do it again today. I did it along with a video I found on YouTube for people with Cancer. It was excellent. Just what I needed to get me back into Yoga without injury or too much pain.

Next Sunday my mother and I are going back to Oregon to get my grandfather and move him back to California. He's no longer able to live independently and his rent is going up again to a place where he can't afford it anymore. He does not want to go, so we have a battle on our hands. It won't be a "jolly time had by all at the beach." But family matters to me a lot, so there we have it. It will also take as many people as possible to help my Papa through this very hard time in his life. Transitioning to a home.

So there we have it. What matters to me and where I need to be focusing my time. Not that I still won't spend some time on the "shiny" and "new." But these can still be my anchors of attention.