Time to shave my head again!

Hair is such a big deal for women. And men too. It's a symbol of a woman's sex appeal. Her virility and sensuality. Women spend insane amounts of time and money on their hair. I bet you could buy a house by the time the average woman dies with what is spend on hair care. Men do too of course, but really not to the extent of women.

Me right after this picture was taken.
"Mooooooom. Will you shave my head for me?"

Some of it is cultural of course. The hair salon becomes a sacred "Third Space." Especially if you're having a very long process done like a weave or braids. I can't think of a time in history where women weren't plucking, dying, shaving, braiding, fucking with their hair. I wonder why? Did you know ancient women used sharp sea shells to shave their hair? And Roman prostitutes bleached their hair blonde with donkey urine.

Different hair colors also have different meanings. Right? The flirty, ditsy blonde. Serious, mysterious brunette, fiery temperamental red head. Fascinating.

Post swim and shave

I have enjoying playing with my hair in the past. Different colors and looks. But frankly now that I'm older I just feel so over it all. Over the time, fuss, money, energy, supplies... all of it. 

I really love the look of a buzz cut. To me it "means business." I find it so sexy when a woman has a buzz cut, no matter the age. Men too. There's a Viking sex appeal to it for me. And oh my God is it easy and cool. Feeling the breeze on your scalp is a pleasure everyone should enjoy at least once in their life. 

Speaking of. I love to rub my hand on a shaved head. So do most people. The most common question I get when I buzz my hair is "can I touch it?" And if I know you, then sure! Rub away.

The A/C hitting my head during the summer heat feels AMAZING!

A woman with a shaved head says "don't fuck with me." She's a bad ass who doesn't care what people think. Even if it's from chemo or alopecia, that woman is a warrior. She's down for a battle and is fighting every second.

Whoa...

Maybe that's one of the reasons I do it? Maybe I'm showing people that I'm fighting every second of my life. That my mitochondrial disease has forced me to be a warrior. I had no choice. It makes my invisible battle visible in a way. Hmmmmm. I'll have to think on that some more. While I rub my "fuzzy chick head" as my husband calls it.

Confidence

My self confidence has always been sky high. Mountain high. Olympus high. Not in a bratty way, but I have a history of feeling good and getting what I want. Or making what I want happen. All of that went out the window when I became disabled.

I thought I knew what my life would be like. Or at least a big part of it. Then it all changed. I felt and still feel the impact of that. A lack of control. In a good way it shows up as mindfulness and a lack of attachment that the Buddhists talk about. In a bad way it shows up as my confidence being shaken.

Not feeling sexy.

Sometimes this can look like not feeling sexy enough for my partner or myself. Because of my intense pain I have limitations. This can make me feel guilty, upset, depressed or angry. Lately I was looking at pictures of myself and seeing an "old sick woman." This isn't the first time it's happened either. I talked about it openly here. And here. And here. I definitely I have a "thing" with my hair.

My mom reminded me today that my hair has always been an outlet of creativity and self expression that I've been messing around with since I was 13. Always different colors, lengths, styles. It's just something that I do and have done. It's healthy for me.

So here I am once again coloring my hair. What am I hoping for? That I will feel more like "my old self." My "healthy" self. Even if it (obviously) won't cure me. I'm hoping I might feel a bit prettier and sexier. There are many things I can't change, do or help with my body. But there are things I can.

• What I wear
• How I'm intimate
• Hair or no hair
• Hair color
• My sexuality
• Mobility devices (Yes! I consider them an extension of my body) 

Although it may just look like hair color to an outsider, to me it's much more than that. It's body autonomy. It's my "look." It's me.

Weapon of choice. Very close to my natural color.

I also think it's time to start wearing bras regularly again. Hah!

Sex and Progressive Disability

It seems as if every article and blog on the internet that addresses sex and disability does so from the point of view that the person has always been the way that they are. I have found hardly any information in my scouring that talks about what happens when you have a progressive disability or illness. Which is very sad because it has a HUGE impact on your sex life.

My neurologist told me last week that my issue (COQ6 gene mutation that causes COQ10 deficiency that causes Metabolic Myopathy) is progressive and degenerative. It was something I suspected but it was still hard to hear. Although it did light a fire under my butt (pun intended) to try and find something that would help my sex life.

My husband is amazing and is always open to trying anything that might help me, even if it costs us money. I've tried a vibrator in the past, but I don't think it was strong enough for my muscles. We also have a "wedge pillow" that is amazing. I can't speak highly enough of support pillows with any kind of muscle condition and intimacy. So although I still was enjoying sex, I had been unable to have an orgasm for a long time.

One of my issues is muscle cramps and spasms that happen most of the time. My neurologist recommended I try CBD for it and said it would help. A friend of mine from my Muscular Dystrophy support group suggested I try a tincture. One trip to our local dispensary (it's legal in my State) and $80 later and I was equipped with something that has been helping me. I thought it might also just help my orgasms?

My husband and I made a trip out to a very female forward sex store called Good Vibrations. They helped me find a new vibrator that could be helpful, along with some other muscle support devices to try out. BINGO!!! A stronger, more adjustable, larger vibrator did the trick. My orgasm has changed a lot though and felt very different. But I was still happy to get there.

NEVER GIVE UP! My tenacity paid off once more. Don't be afraid to experiment and invest some money on your sexual pleasure. It's important and helpful for your mood.

(I'm not affiliated with any of the links and received no compensation for sharing them.)