Am I Ready?

I keep having dreams where I'm in an elevator and it's not going where I want it to go. I take it to mean that I don't feel in control of my life right now. 

I thrive on change. That's one of the things that drew me to therapy. As my mentor and supervisor once told me "Even the worst session only lasts an hour." Each hour a new person would come in with new issues and it was a huge change, and a challenge. A fresh chance every hour to help someone change their lives.

I don't miss that level of intense work, but I do miss that feeling of helping people in that way. I feel ready to start pursuing my CEU's to turn my license back to "active." 

I feel able to take on maybe a weekly support group. Especially this summer when the weather is ok. Storms trigger my migraine pain like crazy.

But also...
I'm loving ceramics. Spending time doing art is intensely therapeutic for me. So I will absolutely keep time for art. I have no intention on working full time at a 9-5 job ever again. I just can't do it. My body is much too unpredictable.

I also get a lot of pleasure out of being available to my dogs, husband, son and mom. If anyone needs me for anything I can help.

 

My Brain Is Back!

It's not just my muscle strength, stamina and energy that have returned to me. I can also feel my mind becoming sharper each day. This is very exciting to me because it means I can go back to work at some point. I gave up a career that I loved when I could no longer focus or retain what was being said to me. My short term memory and recall were both terribly impacted by my mitochondrial disease. Both are vital to my work.

I also had physical coordination issues that made working on the computer for any prolonged period a serious challenge. Then there was the fatigue. Sorry, that makes it not sound so bad. I mean FATIGUE! The worst of the lot. Actually they all suck. There is no winner here, just me losing all my faculties.

I could tell when I was recently able to play games again that I was starting to recover. Then when I was able to win a few... well... I can't even express how thrilling that was. And not just because I'm competitive. It meant that my brain was getting back online.

Now that I reflect I'm astonished at how well my body ran during that time when I was so terribly ill. How my brain and body worked at all? I think it was just sheer stubbornness and will on my part. Of course I wouldn't feel up to playing games. I could barely function.

The longer I'm at the gym the kinder I feel towards my body and the miracle that is me. I've been through so much physically and mentally. No wonder COVID had a minimal impact on me mentally. I was already in my own hellish war. Now I'm working my way back to health. Trying to shake damaging eating patterns. Attempting to nurture myself inside and out. I feel so incredibly lucky that my brain didn't check out completely and I can feel everything coming back online.

Road Blocks

There are certain events in my life that feel like road blocks. Success will lead to one path and failure will lead in another direction entirely. I have such a road block in 16 days. My licensure examination. The culmination of my entire education and training will lead up to my success or failure at obtaining a piece of paper. But that piece of paper means a lot to me.

Every therapist I know has failed their licensure at least once. Most up to three times. But I have high expectations for myself. I don't want to keep shelling out $100 and putting my health at risk each time I go take that test. I want to be over and done with that part of my life for good. I hate loose threads.

So if I don't pass, I can pay money, wait three months and take it again. That's one path. Or I can decide not to take it. I wouldn't do that, but it is an option. If I do pass I'll be officially, legally licensed. FINALLY! I'm not planning on practicing clinically any time soon, but mentally and for my future it would mean a lot to me.

It would give me closure. Give me confidence. Open up more doors for me in the future and for money making opportunities. Make me feel like a success. Yes, it's important.

My world right now revolved around those 16 days.