I'm STUFFED

I've been struggling with constant constipation for a long time now. Many medications I'm on cause constipation. Then I typically take emergency muscle relaxers or over the counter (OTC) pain relievers. That doesn't help the situation.

I believe that the stress I've been under with all the side effects from the Lamotragine I was put on for my seizures backed me up even more. In short, I was at a crisis point with my poor bowels. I had tried everything. I do mean everything to get them going again. Nothing was working.

As a last resort before calling Telehealth (again) I tried this anal suppository. And WOWZA did it work. If this happens again I think I'll use half, or even a quarter of the recommended dose. I am no longer stuffed.

 

 

This is part of the order I placed for Target pickup yesterday. I told my mom that the person making the delivery out to our car must have howled with laughter that I ordered both a frozen pizza and anal laxative. Mom and I cracked up for the rest of the way home. She said I must write a blog about it and take a picture. She made this perfect image for me to use. Thanks mom.

 

What would I do without her?

 

Not have this craving itch scratched for sure...

To be clear. I did not eat the pizza. I made myself lentil pasta instead. It wasn't great. That's the good thing about a frozen pizza though. It will hang out till you're ready.  

 

Now that I have a belly full of doughnuts and an empty butt I'm ready for a restful day. Hopefully this will re-set my system. Gluten can do that for me too. So SEE?! The doughnuts were really medicinal. 

 

Unexpected Interests

I never ever would have guessed that I would become someone who loved Yoga. Or that I could ever DO yoga ever again. But yoga has been the absolute best thing for my body since I regained my strength and energy. THE BEST!

I mentioned in December that I was even transforming our "guest room" (that used to be my "daytime sick room") into my own Yoga Studio. Well, it's about finished. It still needs a few things here and there (like a balance bar) but overall it's great and very usable. I love it.

I printed out and framed a lot of body positive and Yoga messages. Also some poses and routines. Instead of just taping those to the wall I used the vintage looking black corner tabs. Like from old timey photo albums. I love those.

The space has been very rejuvenating for me. It's the perfect size for my yoga as well. It's a space where I can meditate, be creative, make art, relax, read with my dogs or get harassed by them as I try to get my "flow" on. 

Yoga has been so helpful to make me feel strong again. It builds strength, balance, flexibility and helps with my breathing too. It makes me feel more grounded. I also tend to dissociate from my body and yoga brings me back to it in an incredibly positive way.

I used to hate it and not be too fond of people who did it. I thought they were a bunch of wheat grass sipping, no bra wearing, tree hugging twigs. Now here I am hugging trees, sipping veggie juice and getting on my "Namaste." Life is so unpredictable.

What 51 looks like

with no hair

for now

nothing's permanent

I do miss an in-person class though. So this Saturday I'm going to check out our local yoga studio and see if I like it. I think all that education turned me into a "class" person. That's it for now. "The light in me sees and acknowledges the light in you. Namaste."

Daily Rhythm

After all of the holidays, my mom's birthday, my birthday, my son's birthday, I think I have something of a daily rhythm forming and it's really helpful.

I start my day off with a cup of coffee and a hand full of pills, like most Americans, but especially those with any kind of chronic illness/disability. 

Then I spend about 30minutes on some kind of household chore while I have the spoons. Laundry, dishes that kind of thing. After that I move into computer work. These days it's compiling my medical files for SSDI appeal of denial. 

Now I have all my relevant medical records on my hard drive and on my Google drive. There my mom and a family friend who is a PCP can both easily access my files and give me feedback if they notice something missing. AND if anything ever happens to my computer it's all backed up and organized. 

I have some other things in the work as far as SSDI goes, but it requires me leaving the house and is more complicated. It also requires more spoons. This is something I can do bit by bit every morning.

After that I eat something. Usually a banana, but sometimes avocado toast. Or sometimes it's actually lunch time and I have some kind of fish. I shower after I get my grub on.

When I emerge all soft and shiny fresh I usually switch gears and move onto something creative or go on a small errand or adventure with Sweetie and my Mom. Yesterday was rare in that I had the spoons for both. 

My Mom came over and while she was on an important phone call I made my FAVORITE dessert and something I was craving, rice krispy treats. Yes, it is hard for me to make, but it's a challenge I can still do. 

After her call we took my 13 year old "puppy" Sweetie out to our local Arboritum for a very short walk (Mom) roll (me). It was the first time Mom got to drive Pablo. She's in love.

After that the rest of my day is devoted to napping. Then my husband is home from work and the Man Cub is home from college. We all have dinner, watch a show and it's bed time. And no, I have no trouble taking a 2-3 hour nap and going to bed for the night soon after. Not. At. All. 

Not every day follows this flow 100%. Sometimes my Mom comes over in the morning and we spend the whole day together. Other times I don't see her at all and I do my own thing the whole day and maybe roll Sweetie on my own around my neighborhood. But a typical day is tending to follow this pattern and I love it.

Today I have my second cement person coming out. I hope it goes better than the first who totally flaked on me. I'm starting to feel a little more settled in my daily rhythms and even though I'm still struggling a lot with pain, fatigue, dizziness and other issues it does bring me a new feeling of calm that I welcome with open arms.

Chronic Illness & Relationships

Life gives us many opportunities for relationships. Acquaintances, co-workers, friends, family, pets... All touch us in some way. Chronic illness and relationships are rough.

Can't you just bring a coffee by my place every once in a while?

Once I didn't "get well soon" most of my friendships went by the wayside. If I'm really honest I would say ALL of my friendships went by the wayside. You can only cancel plans for being ill so many times before people just stop asking. And I think my friends specifically just stopped knowing what to say or do when I wasn't "cured" by whatever treatment I was trying that week.




I have a specific friend who was pretty shocked when I showed up to our coffee date in a wheelchair. And if I had the energy to sit and listen to people talk about themselves for hours then I'd still be at work. I don't blame them for dropping off. It's very hard to understand and to know what to do to help. And "let me know if I can help" isn't really help at all. It's words to make the person NOT feel helpless, useless and powerless in a situation where everyone is powerless.

My in-laws have been really fantastic. My mother and father in-law took my husband and myself to Yosemite National Park not too long ago and bent over backward to do things that would be accommodating for me. They check in on me regularly and are good listeners.

Us on an accessible trail at Yosemite in July 2019

My two sisters-in-law are also very helpful. They always understand if we need to cancel an outing or family gathering because of my health. No one takes anything personally, which is a HUGE gift.

One of my sisters-in-law visiting me right after my brain surgery. They were both there and both spent the whole day with my husband waiting. Now THAT'S LOVE!

My family is also great. My mother is looking at a house close by to me to be helpful. She now drives me anywhere I need to go, anytime. She even takes my precious dog out for walks and adventures! She feeds me, henna's my hair for me and slips my son money any time she can.

Me and my Mom. I feel very loved and supported with her.

My husband is the center of my support system and where I get the most love, understanding and help. He gets to see me at my worst and has never even blinked when I lose my cool and have a "snot" moment of hysterical crying. He rubs my feet anytime I need it, rubs my back nightly and reads me stories out loud. He works more than full time to support us and is calm, cool and patient with our 25yo son (who is temporarily back home again). My husband cooks, shops and cleans... he's an amazing man. I may have bad luck when it comes to health, but I won the karma jackpot with my marriage. 

He always has my back

My chronic illness has tried to take out my marriage many times, but it hasn't even made a dent. "Can't work, no orgasm, need to rest daily, foggy mind, can't drive..." a world of "cant's" doesn't stop our love for each other and how we always find a work around.

I know people who have had chronic illness decimate every relationship in their lives. I have much to be thankful/grateful for when it comes to the people who are really there for me every day and I feel fortunate to have them. 

Faith Helps Me

I consider myself a Christian in a very liberal meaning of the word. If you wanted specifics I would say "Methodist" (though I 100% disagree on their LGBTQIIA stance.) I believe in doing as much good as you can as often as you can for as many people as you can. I believe that each of us has a purpose and a "spark" inside us that connects us together. I believe we are all children of God and that religion is just our way of trying to make meaning of something that we can't really understand because it's just too big. Too grand. Too huge. We try to comprehend the incomprehensible. But my faith does give me strength.

 I pray for my clients every night.
It's a way for me to pass along my worry and concern for them.
To put it a cheesy way: "To let go and let God." 

I've had a lot going on this past month to make me fearful. But rather than dwell in that fear I stare it in the eye, then move on. I'm able to do this because of my faith and my belief that I have a job to do here and I'm not done yet. And my view that "everything happens for a reason" I just may not know that reason at the time.

Yesterday I was offered a job. I was unemployed for 2 days. The job pays much better than the last one and I think I'll like it more. Many people who work there are Christian too, but not everyone (and it's not a Christian organization.) I like the idea of working with people who have their own spiritual belief. I think it's helpful in the kind of work that we do to have something greater than yourself to lean on. A refuge.

I crushed it!

I celebrated my new job with this necklace from Etsy.

It's hand made by a stay at home mom (here's her shop - no affiliation.) I enjoy supporting small businesses and artists like that. It's my favorite Bible verse. I don't take the Bible literally, but this verse has always spoken to me. I say it to myself when life feels overwhelming and like too much is required of me. All I have to do in that moment is remember my 3 tasks in this life. To "...Do justice, love kindness and to walk humbly with your God." - Micah 6:8

I love the "YOUR God" that shows up in every version. It's very personal. Whatever God is to you, because it's yours. That's religion at its best. Personal and intimate.