Sleep

I rarely sleep well on my own. Usually pain keeps me awake till the wee hours in the morning when I finally succumb. What did people with insomnia do before smart phones? Watch TV I guess.

Typically I take one Tylenol and one Tylenol PM. If I take two PM I'll sleep all through the next day too. I'm very sensitive. That's usually enough to dull my pain so I can sleep. The down side is aspirin is very constipating. So is many of the other medications I'm on. You see the problem. 

I take Lyrica and Cymbalta for my pain. Lyrica helps with my "stocking glove neuropathy" that is especially bad at night. Cymbalta helps with my all over muscle pain. The two together are barely enough to keep my pain down to a 4-6 level. Meaning below "grit my teeth and pant while wishing for sweet death" level. I feel it's there every second of the day. I'm never not in pain.

This leads to fatigue. Pain is very exhausting. When I don't sleep well on top of that it just makes everything much worse.

I still get tired around mid-day and give in to my urge to "rest." Although typically I only rest for two hours. It used to be around four (before I changed to a mostly short chain fatty acid diet.) I sometimes don't rest at all, but it's rare. 

I am happy to report that I no longer suffer from the daytime crushing fatigue that I used to get. It was horrible. The kind where I just couldn't stay awake and would instantly crash out the second my head hit the pillow. Like a mini death or coma. Not sleep.

Looking back I have always been a tired person. Even a tired kid. I would fall asleep at school all the time. At my desk. I'd be caught drooling or snoring. I would sleep walk and talk. I remember waking up a lot. I've also always had a very busy sleep. Tons and tons of dreams. Not restful feeling sleep hardly ever. My mother was the same. Even my great-grandmother would sleep walk and talk.

My grandmother would take over the counter sleeping pills frequently. I don't blame her at all.

My son also sleeps terrible. He always has since he was a boy. We have a saga of crappy sleep. I'm just happy my lifestyle allows me to sleep in frequently and rest during the day as much as I need. Not many people have that luxury.

What a Difference!

 A few days ago we had our holiday open house. The last one we did in 2021, two years ago. Here's me in 2023 (left) and 2021...

Even though I look happy in both and am smiling in both, I look a little weary and fatigued in the right one. And it's not just the natural hair. Although after seeing these picture I don't think I'll ever have anything other than black hair again.

I'm close to the same weight. My makeup is similar. But as my mom likes to say "You look about 20 years younger!" I feel about 30 years younger.

I'm savoring this Christmas season. All the bustle and time spent with family and friends. I've also been very creative this season. Doing pottery, making crafts to decorate my house, drawing on wrapped gifts. Even though we've been incredibly busy I've made time to rest too.

My husband even went with me to Yoga yesterday. He said he can see why it's so helpful for me.

What a difference two years, one year, five months, one day makes. I'm so happy to have my time back.

Finding Stillness

Spring is such an absolute flurry of noise, color and action. Nature tells us it's the time to "GO GO GO!" This week however I find myself yearning for some stillness. I've been sleeping even more than usual. I didn't get up till almost 11 this morning, even though I slept great. I feel like a groggy bear just out of hibernation now forced to fish and be active.

My mom and I have been trying to swim daily rather than three times a week. We made it five days last week. The most by far that I've swam. It felt good for my body. I felt proud emotionally. I also felt pretty exhausted energy wise. I figured out each time I swim takes around three hours. About an hour to get ready (suit on, sunblock on, pack bag...), then we swim for a full hour. Then an hour to shower, lotion, freshen up... So about three hours total. It also makes me very hungry.

Maybe that's why I didn't lose any weight at all the entire month of May? June is later this week, so I'll try and try again. But back to my energy.

After such a busy week and pushing myself to walk as much as I can I think I just shut down a little. My Botox was delayed again and my face has been hurting. Especially where my craniotomy plates are. I'm hoping to get in to see my neurologist soon. The Botox is a must have. So that could also be part of why I feel so slow this week.

I also feel a bit empty spiritually, which I don't like. I looked up at the moon last night and I couldn't remember the last time I did so. I used to track the moon cycles and star gaze frequently. Somehow I fell out of the habit. I'd like to make more space in my life for my spirituality. 

It can be difficult to find stillness in the noise of a full life. It takes intention. Giving myself a pause. Or a huge sleep. Just following the flow of what I need.