My Very Best Self

 

One of the things I love about myself is my ability to do absolutely anything I put my mind to. I've accomplished hundreds of things that I think would terrify the average person. But the one thing I've yet to accomplish is my happiness with my body weight.

This seems to be something millions of other people can do. Millions more appear to have self control around food (aka: a lack the addiction issues.) And then millions more have zero option and/or are starving. Which makes my gluttony all the more shameful to me. It makes me feel like I'm taking more than my fair share.

Food is my one vice. It's a big one though (pun intended). It's a huge source of pleasure, happiness, social activity... But what I am learning is that all of that is ok. It's ok to get so much joy from eating and sharing food (and having food shared with me.) What's not ok for me is the quantity and my obsessiveness about food.

After seeing the scale dip and bob like a fishing float for so many months I've finally had it. I reached my limit and I'm motivated to change. I want to be "my very best self." And like all big changes, I have a plan.

So... I made this chart for myself that breaks my weight loss into doable small goals. Each goal met also comes with a small reward. A non-food reward of course.

I am intrinsically motivated right now, but a little external motivation is also helpful. So is accountability! I'm seeing my nutritionist again in October and with some hard work I could be down 30lbs by then.

My big picture is to lose 100lbs. This chart represents the first half. I always feel more confident with small, achievable goals. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time (said someone, sometime, although I'd never really eat an elephant. Or a shark.)

I was excited to see that with some serious dedication I could be halfway there by the new year. I'm calculating a safe loss of 2lbs per week. I'm sure it will come off easier at first, then harder as I go down. That's why I have a larger amount of weight for the first few goals.

I'm a big "right tool for the job" person, so I researched and found some tools that could compliment my plan and my chart.

I really suck at portion size, so I bought these little cups to help. I feel I can eat as much fruit and veg as I want, but I need help with protein and fats. 

I'm also going to try this:

It's a "goal planner" that's supposed to help when you're trying to change behaviors and reach specific goals.

I think these tools will be plenty to support me. Then I also have my mom who is all in and my husband. They both want to lose weight and are the two main people I eat with, so I think that will be incredibly helpful for me.

Losing weight would mean less stress on my joints and muscles. Less work for my organs. It can only benefit me and my health. It's long overdue, but I needed to be in the right mindset. 

Having loose skin worries me a bit, but I figure I'll deal with that when I need to. I won't let it put me off my goal when I've barely started.

So here's to another major accomplishment in the making!

What's New Pussycat? (Oh whoa whooooa whoa...)

There are many new things going on with me creatively, medically and in my home. One of the bigger things is I finally have my BiPap machine. 

At first I was given a CPAP which has continuous air flow. It didn't work for me at all. It was like drinking from a fire hose. It took me about 6 months to get a BiPap instead and I hope it was worth all the work. (A BiPap has less pressure going out and more going in.)

I'm able to tolerate it all night, but learning to keep my mouth shut is still a huge challenge for me. Yup. I'm a big time mouth breather. I have noticed that my lungs feel much better in the morning when I use my machine then when I don't. I can breathe much easier and don't feel as asthmatic. I did read that a BiPap is supposed to be helpful for asthma. 

A non-medical thing I'm doing that's new is watercolor painting.

I've always loved oil painting. But it's very hard to do in your home. It also requires a lot of chemicals, so I stopped doing it when I didn't have a student studio anymore. Acrylic painting is fun, but not the same as oils. But with watercolors there's far less setup and cleanup. It's much easier on my muscles too. It's challenging and new, so I've been having fun with it. 

My garden is really going all out now. We have this beautiful orange-ish sunflower out front that's just perfect.

I love spending time out there when I can.

We're doing a major remodel of our front area right now too. We're excited to have it all finished so we can enjoy it. We're getting new fencing, a new driveway and a new bigger front patio with a water fountain! It's actually more like a small waterfall. I'm so excited to see it done. 

I've been finding the contractors and coordinating as much of it (including the design) as I can. Then my husband jumps in and takes care of the financing end. We're a great team and so far things are moving along. It's a challenge to deal with contractors, let alone 4 of them, but I can do it.

So that has been taking a ton of my time.

And then there's my weight. I hit an all time high about a month ago and am working on reigning in my eating. But it's very hard.

I honestly feel like I don't eat a ton, but then I have to remember that I also don't get very much exercise. The pool is about it. And although it's good for me, it doesn't help me lose much weight. In fact it makes me hungry!!!

So that's an ongoing struggle and something that's on my mind a lot.

I'm also always researching migraines and trying to find something that will help me more than the tools I already have. 

Although I already have pink tinted glasses, I thought maybe they aren't tinted enough? I got the darkest pink that I could at the time. I love that you can just try out a theory by finding a new pair online. I ordered these last night with a darker red lens to try out. Many of these companies take returns too, so if I hate it I can get them re-done in a dark pink similar to what I have now. 

And of course you might have also noticed that I colored my hair red. Actually my mother helped me to color my hair red. As in I told her how to do it and she paid for the supplies and did it for me. What a mom. 

To go from blue/black to flaming copper red is no easy task, even for a fully trained hair dresser. But 30+ years of coloring my own hair taught me a lot! And the few times I did go to the salon for a color I paid close attention. 

It took her a full day, but she managed to get as close to what I wanted as was possible. I've been having fun being a redhead for a change. 

I'm trying to make time for friends in all of this, but my health has been really awful lately. I've needed a lot more rest and down time than usual (which was already a lot). Just making time for family and the house project is about all I'm good for right now. I'm counting the days till my next Botox shots for migraine (still a month away). I'm putting myself and my needs first, which is still hard for me to do.

What Keeps Me Going

 

Did you know that the suicide rate of people with migraines is twice as high as the typical population? And that people with chronic migraines (what I have) are 42.9% more likely to kill themselves than people with episodic migraines? As someone who lives with never ending migraines these numbers don't surprise me. (read the full study here)

I have wished for death before and I'm sure it will come up again. But I would never ever act on it. Despite the constant pain, vertigo, and insane impact on me. And it is INSANE! There is no better word. Despite all of that, what keeps me going? What keeps me here?

Of course Love is #1. Especially love for my wonderful, amazing, fantastic family. They keep me laughing, keep me positive and try to help me as much as they can. I also think they'd all be screwed without me.

Shockingly my doctors would have to be #2. I know many people don't have that luxury of a fantastic medical team. Although they take a lot of time and effort on my end, they also provide me with a lot of relief and answers. I wouldn't have known that I was suffering major migraines without the Neurologist and ENT stepping in and educating me. I also would never have known to try Botox, the one thing that has consistently helped me.

Here are a few other things that not only keep me from killing myself, but make me smile and help me to thrive.

My beautiful garden that I created with my husband.

Silly, fun games that we play together.

We used to LOVE playing all kinds of games and puzzles, but when my Botox has worn off and I'm feeling "like garbage" (like now), these little iPhone games are about all I can manage. I love that we do them together.

Getting out of the house and into nature.

Any kind of nature! I can't drive, but I can wheel my chair around my small town. I can also go to and from my Mama's home. It's great to get out on my own and it gives me a feeling of autonomy, which is vital.

It's important for me to feel in charge of my body as much as I can. Maybe that's why I'm always cutting and coloring my hair.

All of these and millions of other tiny things are why I'm here today. Still fighting through the quicksand of symptoms. Of course a big sleep and some movies in bed now and again never hurt either.

And of course the...

What Comes Next?

Almost a month has gone by since my last post. Many things have changed and much has stayed the same.

I passed my licensure and am now a fully certified Psychotherapist. That's very exciting news. I passed on my first try despite the heat, a mask and a migraine. I felt and still feel a huge tidal wave of pride at that accomplishment. It also marks with a big period an enormous part of my life. Endless schooling, three degrees, 3,000 hours of practice, studying for millions of hours and now a framed certificate on my wall publicly declaring that "I DID IT!" 

What comes next?

That's the part that has changed very little.

I still can't function at all without my Botox shots for migraine every 3 months. Though by the end of month 2 it starts to wear off and then I'm a mess once more. Dizziness increases, pain, sound and light sensitivity, seeing things that aren't there, my memory gets even worse (which is really saying something!) You get the general idea.

Then there's the pain. The pain in my body is constant. I rarely take anything for it because I feel pain is the communicator. Sometimes that communicator is broken (like my migraines). But sometimes it's a valid message. I don't want to shut down that relay with my body just yet. 

But the number one ruler of my life is fatigue. When I become exhausted all systems stop. My memory, focus, ability to talk easily, train of thought, muscle strength, all go out the window. This happens daily, usually around 12-3PM. I rest and sleep and feel better when I get up. If I don't rest and sleep it gets worse till my muscles start to shake and spasm and I get cold sweats. 

When people say to me "Now that you have your license you can start seeing clients again!" I cringe. They have no concept of what goes on in my body. In their defense I also "fake normal" really well. "You can just see a few online" the friendly person might say. But that involves the ability to be there for the person 100% and many hours of record keeping, preparation, etc... I'm not just a face on a monitor. 

Therapy is out. 

So what comes next?

I'm essentially taking some time off to mull that over. I'm vaccinated and enjoying being social a little bit again. I'm looking forward to taking a few small road trips. You know... cutting myself a break!

For the future I'm considering a few ideas. Writing a mental health book is the first thing that comes to mind. Both an interventions book for clinicians and one for consumers. I like the idea of writing because I can do it anytime I feel up to it.

Right now I'm swimming often at my mother's pool. Trying to work out my CPAP machine. Attending appointments at my muscle clinic, my migraine neurologist and my regular doctor. Spending time gardening (when my body allows it), cooking (see previous comment) and hanging out with my ever-fun family.

We'll see what comes next.

Bright Side

I was thinking the other day about all the things I do now that I wouldn't be able to do if I were working full time. I came up with quite a comprehensive list. I found it incredibly helpful for my mental health to do this. I still miss working and all that came with it. The identity, the respect, contributing financially to my family, helping my community in a meaningful way...

It's one thing to have my family tell me how helpful and useful I am even though I can't work right now. But it's completely different to work through those feelings on my own.

Now I have time to:

• Fight for my medical supplies (my wheelchair, CPAP machine, etc.) This always takes a ton of time and was incredibly hard to do while working full time.
• Attend needed medical appointments and therapies.
• Spend more time in nature. 
  
  
  
• Create things and express my creative side. 
  
• Process the loss of my partial mobility. Mentally and emotionally.
• Be there to help my son. 
• Spend time getting to know my mother and who she is right now.
• Investing time and spoons into our home and garden. 
  
• Spend more time with my puppy and enjoy her last days with her. 
  
• Be available 100% for my husband. Hearing about his work and being more a part of his day.
• Being able to invest more time on my body and health. 
  
  
  

In a Different Way

I was traveling to my mother's house the other day in my wheelchair when I had a lovely realization. I always think of myself as "no longer able to drive." But that's not quite true. I don't drive a car, but I drive my wheelchair regularly. Many of the same skills used driving a car are implemented in driving a wheelchair. So I do still drive! 

WATCH ME DRIVE!

This new thought soon spread to other "I can't" areas in my life.

Thought: "I no longer work."

Reality: I don't earn an income for my work right now, but I still do plenty of work. 

Thought: "I can't travel anymore."

Reality: I can travel. I travel shorter distances now.

Thought: "I'll never be able to have more dogs because I can't take care of them."

Reality: We can have more dogs (in the future) and I'll just take care of them in different ways and ask for help in ways that I can't.

It may seem insanely obvious, but this was a big revelation for me. Now I'm seeing every "can't" in my life as "I CAN! JUST IN A DIFFERENT WAY." That's huge for me and feels wonderful.

Giving Myself Pleasure

The big goal for myself this year is to spend more time in my own company. To explore myself and my personal interests now that I can't hold a traditional job. A job that used to fill 90% of my life, mind and time. 

I have started journaling again. Something I find very helpful for sorting out my thoughts and feelings. Writing with a pen also stimulates my mind in a very different way then blogging. To me my blogs are more of a guidebook that I can easily look back on for reference. My journal however is completely personal and private.

I'm once again growing out into and finding out what gives me pleasure. Here's just a sampling...

I used to look at taking care of myself as something I must do and that I had no choice in. This year I have changed that thinking to be something I'm fortunate to be able to do. I'm lucky to have the time and resources to take very good care of myself. So when I actively choose not to (by not doing my stretches or eating something that's not a good choice for my body) it's an insult to myself. It's my privilege to care for myself, not my obligation. I find that mindset much more helpful.

It helps me mentally to have my home reflect our families playful side. We have a lot of interesting collections and it's fun to create little curio displays around the house. I love having a playful home.

It's not just the visual side of my home that's important to me, but the scent as well. Fresh coffee, flowers, scented candles, a fresh fire log burning. All combine to make my home inviting, warm and cozy. And since this is where we all spend the great majority of our time since last year, that matters to me.

I could fill volumes with what I have learned from sharing my life with dogs. My sweet puppy is a "super senior" now in the twilight years of her life. I treat each moment I still get to spend with her as a great gift. Just watching her gives me endless pleasure. I'm thankful to be able to have had the opportunity to give her (and her sister's who went before her) such a good life.

I love to try new things, especially when it comes to decorating our teeny tiny home. Right now my work in progress is turning one side of our hallway into a giant wall of mirrors. I was gifted two unique, beautiful mirrors by my mother and three more from my sister-in-law. It has been a very fun project that's not over yet.

I love jewelry. It is one of the greatest passions in my life. I used to wish Elizabeth Taylor was my mother just so I could have her jewelry collection. Her daughter probably didn't like jewelry because that's how those things usually work. Just like my mother is not into jewelry at all. Go figure.

It's more than jewelry to me though. It's a story. So vintage jewelry holds a special place in my heart. It's like a sliver of time with an unknown history that gets to belong to you. I imagine the people who owned it before me. Their lives and their stories.

Stories have always given me pleasure. Even the hard ones, which is one of the reasons I loved my profession so much. But now I'm focusing on my own story and my own meaning in life.