Facing Down Fear

I have signed up to take my license exam. It's the final step to becoming a fully fledged Marriage and Family Therapist. This is what I've worked so hard for over the last 10+ years. It's a very big deal and what was supposed to be the climax of my academic career. But it doesn't feel like that now.

It has been 11 months since I left my job because of my many chronic conditions. In the end it was the unrelenting migraines that were just too much for me to work through. This was my dream. To get my license and to help people and I'm still convinced I can do that in some capacity in the future. It won't look how I expected, but when does life ever work out how we plan?

Millions of people around the world have had their future plans completely derailed by Covid. Just because my cause is different doesn't make my situation any more special. Life is nothing if not unpredictable.

It has been very hard for me to study. Every question reminds me of my past work with clients and what I had to give up. I know that will fade the more that I study. I have five months before my test to work through my feelings and learn the questions. I've accomplished much harder tasks in the past.

I can almost hear the Helen Reddy song that my Mother would sing when I was little. It's very fitting to my situation. I don't always feel this way, but the strength of such mantras are helpful.

..."Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
(Strong)
I am invincible
(Invincible)
I am woman"

Pretending to Be Normal

There are times where I just get so sick of my body and my illness that I have what I call a "normal burst." That's where I just pretend that I'm a normal, healthy person who can do anything they want. I resent my medications. I resent using mobility tools. And I hate that my body fatigues. So I just push and push and push till I completely gas out.

Today was a day like that. 

I had a lovely morning with my Mom and when I kissed her goodbye for the afternoon she said "Now go and rest." We had swam that morning (Well, I more stretched and floated) and that was good advice she gave me... But something in me said "NOPE! I'm going to GARDEN because I AM NORMAL!!!" It's like my inner brat breaks loose or something?!

So I did. 

I watered my garden and did some pruning and cleaning. I felt my body want to quit, but I pushed it. I pushed it when I knew I should just stop. 

Why? 

Because it felt so good to be out there doing exactly what I wanted to do for a change instead of what my body wanted me to do (which was what my Mama told me to do... go and rest.)

I often fantasize about the things my body used to be able to do. Snorkel, bike ride, hike, etc. I think that's super normal and I'm sure many disabled people do the same. Especially considering I haven't been disabled that long. It was just 19 months ago that I was snorkeling in Hawaii with my husband and work friends. No way could I do this today.

Sometimes pushing myself is worth it. 

I try not to push so hard that my muscles go into rhabdomyolysis. It has happened a few times in the past and I like to think I learned. Pushing myself helps me know my limits. If I don't go to that breaking point I won't know where it is. It also gives me a little taste of what it was a like to be my "normal" old self again.

Nesting

August has been an interesting month. It started off fantastic with my husband finally taking some time off of work and us diving into our fun bedroom decorating project. But then the fires came to California and it looked and felt like the world was ending. 

The family had already been investing time into making our home even more special. We'd been tending our garden, caring for the ever growing collection of house plants and investing our "vacation/travel fund" into a bedroom spruce up instead. Not just any re-do though. Not your Better Homes and Gardens bedroom. We're turning our bedroom into a Disney Jungle Cruise (loosely) themed room. It's going to be amazing!

We've been doing a lot of art and fun craft projects to make it uniquely ours. Not only does it personalize the space, but it saves money too. 

So while it does indeed feel like the world might be ending, we can be sipping cocktails (and mocktails) in our tiki room, or snoozing under a canopy of "man eating jungle vines." A worthy investment to lift our spirits.

All of this may sound superficial, but mental health is just as important as physical health. Keeping busy with "nesting" is an instinct almost every living thing has.

I've also learned that I can have gratitude for what I have knowing how lucky I am while also having empathy for those who aren't as fortunate. Feelings are not exclusionary. 

This is Hard!

 Here's how things stand on me trying to change my eating habits for the better.

1. This shit is REALLY hard!
2. I apparently don't eat enough protein
3. If I ate as much protein as I "should" I would never poop again
4. I'm still eating too large of a dinner
5. I hate thinking about this as much as I am
6. I'm glad I'm tracking with an app because how I think I eat and how I really eat are so far apart you could steer a cattle drive through it (Mmmm... running burgers...)

Here's some of the evidence that my eating isn't consistent even though I think that it is. These are screen grabs from My Fitness Pal, the app that I'm using (no affiliation). 

See! What the hell!? I knew that dinner was my largest meal (typically), but come on!

Ok... so I also have the awareness to know that it has only been a week and that most people suck when trying something new. Apparently eating like this is a skill and like any skill it will take a lot of time and practice to master this.

Now if you'll excuse me I must take a laxative and eat a boiled egg.

Puppy Love

All animals are amazing, but my top favorite has to be canines. Dog's love you like no other animal on earth. They make you laugh, lower your heart rate, reduce stress, keep you active and give you the most unconditional love you will ever find. If you pay close attention there is much to learn from a canine companion.

We've been lucky enough to share our life and home with three dogs over the last 20 years. The first was Snack. Her "gotcha" anniversary is coming up next week. We got her from our local animal shelter. We were told she was dropped off in the night box, though who would ever let such a precious soul go like that is still beyond me. We figured she was about two years old when we got her and was a cross between a yellow lab and a basset hound. A more perfect dog there never was. She had endless patience for our son, was always hungry for a treat (or five) and gave us so much joy. She was with us for about 10 years.

Our second dog was an impulse rescue on my part. I really wanted a puppy bad (I blame hormones) so I went and adopted one without letting my husband know. Snack was wonderful with Sweetie. I think she might have had her own puppies at one time because her maternal instincts kicked in immediately.

I adopted Sweetie from the same shelter we got Snack from, but she was only three months old at the time. We now think she's part Whippet and part Rat Terrier, but I was told at the time that she was a Chihuahua mix. She's always had a tiny bit of a stinky temper, but she also lives up to her name.

Our third dog came along soon after we lost Snack. Lulu the 100% pure Basset Hound had been dumped in a friend's backyard by her son's roommates. Apparently he had moved to Mexico without his dog, so his roommates drove her all the way from San Diego to Davis just to leave her alone in the backyard. She HATED to be in a car the whole time we had her. Understandable given what happened to her. My husband saw Lulu's picture on Facebook with a desperate plea from our friend. We met her that afternoon and took her back home with us that night. It was a no-brainer. My husband LOVES Basset Hounds and Lulu needed a family right away. We were her 5th and last family.

Sweetie got along with Lulu just as well as she did Snack. They would play together and walk well together. Well, as good as a Basset can walk considering they are all part stubborn donkey. We had Lulu for about eight years before she passed. She was a ton of fun, but also enough work to make me swear off pure bred dogs for eternity.

Now Sweetie is 13 years old and into her twilight years. She has moderate dementia, but still loves going for walks. She also eats well and has never had an accident in the house. We love her to bits, even if she takes up our whole bed.

I find myself really missing that total companionship and dedication you get from a dog though. Sweetie is much more like a cat behaviorally now than like a dog. She likes attention on her terms when she feels like it. Her favorite pastime is just to stand and stare at nothing. -sigh- Not that big happy grin you get from most dogs.

My heart says I want another dog NOW but my brain says it's a bad time. We'll see who wins the battle. 

Portion Size Confusion

I looooove food. 

Food and I have been having a passionate love affair for years now. Decades really. I have no idea when food switched for me from being tasty and something I had to do to stay alive to something I live to do. I don't feel it's healthy for me and I don't want food to take up so much space in my life. Enter my plan to eat six smaller meals a day. Yes, this is for my health, but it's also a way to educate myself about food and renew my relationship with it in a hopefully healthier way.

It's only been two days since I've changed how I eat, but I've already learned a lot about myself.

1. I have no idea how many calories are in something. My guesses are always WAY off.
2. I like eating healthy foods.

Seriously though. I looked up a portion size, then measured or weighed out what that is for each of these foods. Would you have guessed these are one serving size?

I thought I would be starving eating so little, but when I'm eating every 2 hours I don't think my body has a chance to feel hungry. Yesterday was the first day I kept actual track and set alarms on my phone. This isn't me being obsessive, but instead trying to learn what six meals a day really feels like. It's new and I need help learning.

I prepared some easy to eat things this week for in-between meals. For other meals (like dinner) we have a weekly menu board in our kitchen. My husband also wants to eat less, so that makes it much easier!

• Already sliced and prepared fresh veg
• Boiled eggs
• Salted roasted peanuts
• Avocados
• Cottage cheese (whole fat)
• Fruit for dessert

Wish me luck!

Try ALL the Things!

It's a new month. August. The bridge between summer and fall. A perfect time to try something new. I've been told (and my own research confirms) that I am not eating properly for my muscle disease. What I should be doing is eating many small meals through the day that are high in protein and "good" fats and low in carbs. But what I like to do is eat two large meals (especially dinner! My favorite) and nothing in between. Breakfast to me is a banana or just coffee. Not so good. 

Soooo... Since I want to be my best healthy self that I can be. And I'm also very fortunate to have access to food. I want to at least try eating the way that my doctors recommend. With gratitude in my heart that I have the financial stability to be able to do so. Especially now during the pandemic.

Soooo... I did a lot of research and here's what I found:

1. I should try eating 6 smaller meals a day. 
2. I will prioritize foods naturally high in COQ6 since that's where my major genetic mutation is.
3. I will focus on foods that are high in protein and fats and low in carbs.
4. I am going to pay close attention to my symptoms and how I feel.
5. I am going to try this for the entire month of August.

Yes. I already started!

I read that foods naturally high in COQ10 are:

• Trout
• Herring
• Mackerel
• Sardines
• Spinach
• Cauliflower
• Broccoli
• Oranges
• Strawberries
• Sesame Seeds
• Pistachios
• Eggs
• Soy
• Peanuts

(I got this instead of Taco Bell the other night. One small choice at a time!)

Some basic "good fats" are:

• Avocado
• Salmon
• Peanuts
• Olive Oil
• Eggs
• Dark Chocolate (85%)
• Macadamia Nuts
• Tofu

Foods high in protein are:

• Anchovies
• Eggs
• Yogurt
• Tuna
• Salmon
• Pumpkin Seeds
• Cottage Cheese
• Peanuts
• Tofu
• Beans
• Halibut
• Peas
• Oats
• Hummus
• Broccoli
• Popcorn
• Avocado
• Asparagus
• Potatoes
• Shrimp
• Guava
• Sun Dried Tomatoes

Food helpful for inflammation are:

• Flax Seed
• Green Tea
• Turmeric
• Walnuts
• Pineapple
• Kale
• Garlic 
• Broccoli
• Lemon
• Berries
• Avocado
• Cantaloupe

These lists aren't all inclusive, but are helpful for me. I also notice a common theme. Like rich fish, eggs and tofu. Those will be a staple for me. 

My hope is that maybe I'll have more energy with eating this way and even a little less pain. That would be lovely. It could also make some weight loss easier too. Fingers crossed. I'll keep you posted!