Re-Imagining Me

I've been trying to have a big mental shift. It isn't easy. At my age my thinking is pretty set. However if I shifted it to become a full time student at the age of 40, then I can do this. I accomplished a hell of a lot for my career. I have shown myself what I can do when I put my mind, time and energy to something.

In the past this was how my brain worked:

90% Illness

10% Everyone else, including me

My illness was in the drivers seat. I did anything I could to self-comfort. Social media, fast food, limiting how physical I was, ignoring it and just surviving. Not much of a focus on thriving.

But the power of the mind is mighty. Here's what I'm working towards:

75% ME

my food, being in nature, art, creativity, spirituality, relationships

25% Illness (appointments, crash days, pacing, pain, insomnia)

Rather than numbing myself out of my illness I'm leaning in and making friends with it. I'm not "managing" or "surviving." I am nurturing and feeding my body what she needs to do her best. By leaning in and listening. Rest, art, movement, beauty, nature, good nutrition... These are things I need. 

I Am An Athlete

Ok... I'm not.

But my muscles THINK that I am. They conk out too fast like a marathon runner who is a professional body builder on the weekdays. Given that. I need to eat like a professional athlete.

I'm not talking about the 5,000+ calories a day. I'm talking about all the supplements, protein and muscle support foods that I can get. That means the very best breakfast I can have is a protein shake.

I don't always do this because:
1) It takes a lot of spoons to make (metaphorically speaking. Not literally.)
2) It requires a lot of ingredients = $$$$$$$
3) I don't always feel like drinking my breakfast. I girl likes to chew every once in a while.
4) It can be high in calories.
5) No matter what I put in, it doesn't taste amazing.

Here are the basic components I put in mine to feed my muscles and my body:
1) Some kind of frozen fruit. Typically mixed organic berries. Between 1/2 to 1 cup.
2) Some kind of oatmilk or juice. Between 1/2 to 1 cup.

3) Some kind of organic protein powder. Typically chocolate or vanilla. 1 scoop.

4) Powder fiber (I tend to run constipated thanks to all my pain medication.)
5) 1 tsp ground flax.

6) My recent addition to the mix, organic Inulin.

7) Filtered water.
8) Unflavored European style yogurt (if I have it on hand). 1/4 to 1/2 a cup.

Then I just blend the crap out of it and drink it. I splurged last year and bought official shake cups that come with those little metal balls in them for shaking. I find it really useful because try as I might things tend to settle fast. So unless I chug it like the athlete that I am, I tend to want to shake it a little.

I've also switched from my usual coffee brimming with barista style oatmilk and brown sugar to British tea with just a dash of honey. I'll still have coffee on the weekends. And you'll never see me without a massive cup of water. 

Here's my ideal breakfast

Something new that I'm trying also as a coffee replacement is sipping barely sweetened cacao. Just hot water, cocoa, a tiny bit of sweetener (your choice what kind), some Mexican vanilla, a dash of salt. Voila! You can add cinnamon if you like as well. 

The Cacao Powder I enjoy

You can learn about the differences in Cacao and Cocoa here. 

I am Miss Piggy! I am!

Medical Scare

 

My mom just returned home from the hospital after being there for a harrowing six days. She was vomiting and having diarrhea and couldn't eat a single thing for 15 days. It was awful. She was diagnosed with kidney stones, gallstones, an enlarged pancreas,  two small hernias, fatty liver disease, diverticulitis of the colon and a UTI. Because everything else just wasn't enough. 

This is the third time in five years she's gone to the emergency room and been admitted. Fortunately this is the first time she didn't require surgery. It was very stressful, all the unknowns and I just felt so awful for her and helpless.

At times like this I'm reminded that the one thing I can do and can control is what I'm putting in and doing with my own body. Seeing her health scares me. Being a plus size woman myself, it makes me want to try and lose some weight to hopefully avoid some of these future issues.

The good that came out of it was that I was inspired me to re-double, triple, quadruple my efforts to try and treat myself with tender loving care. Feed myself good food. Move as much as I can. Rest when I need to. Spend my time mindfully. All fantastic reminders.

In the past I've wanted lose weight for a very specific goal. A trip usually. Or special event. Then I "cheat" because I'm on vacation, it's a special holiday, we have company, there's a birthday party, etc... There always seems to be an excellent excuse to eat anything I want.

This time I'm taking it minute by minute and trying to make the best choices for myself. For my body. For my health. For my future. Rather than indulging for the "Now."

Time to shave my head again!

Hair is such a big deal for women. And men too. It's a symbol of a woman's sex appeal. Her virility and sensuality. Women spend insane amounts of time and money on their hair. I bet you could buy a house by the time the average woman dies with what is spend on hair care. Men do too of course, but really not to the extent of women.

Me right after this picture was taken.
"Mooooooom. Will you shave my head for me?"

Some of it is cultural of course. The hair salon becomes a sacred "Third Space." Especially if you're having a very long process done like a weave or braids. I can't think of a time in history where women weren't plucking, dying, shaving, braiding, fucking with their hair. I wonder why? Did you know ancient women used sharp sea shells to shave their hair? And Roman prostitutes bleached their hair blonde with donkey urine.

Different hair colors also have different meanings. Right? The flirty, ditsy blonde. Serious, mysterious brunette, fiery temperamental red head. Fascinating.

Post swim and shave

I have enjoying playing with my hair in the past. Different colors and looks. But frankly now that I'm older I just feel so over it all. Over the time, fuss, money, energy, supplies... all of it. 

I really love the look of a buzz cut. To me it "means business." I find it so sexy when a woman has a buzz cut, no matter the age. Men too. There's a Viking sex appeal to it for me. And oh my God is it easy and cool. Feeling the breeze on your scalp is a pleasure everyone should enjoy at least once in their life. 

Speaking of. I love to rub my hand on a shaved head. So do most people. The most common question I get when I buzz my hair is "can I touch it?" And if I know you, then sure! Rub away.

The A/C hitting my head during the summer heat feels AMAZING!

A woman with a shaved head says "don't fuck with me." She's a bad ass who doesn't care what people think. Even if it's from chemo or alopecia, that woman is a warrior. She's down for a battle and is fighting every second.

Whoa...

Maybe that's one of the reasons I do it? Maybe I'm showing people that I'm fighting every second of my life. That my mitochondrial disease has forced me to be a warrior. I had no choice. It makes my invisible battle visible in a way. Hmmmmm. I'll have to think on that some more. While I rub my "fuzzy chick head" as my husband calls it.

I'm melting and I can't get up

Oh LORDIE! Summer is here. We've had weather in the high 90's already. Multiple days in a row. Something I've learned about my mitochondrial disease is that heat affects me in a major way. Too cool and my muscles cramp and spasm. Too hot and I very quickly wind down and have zero energy or muscle strength. Jeeze. win-win. Strangely humidity doesn't seem to effect me as much as it did when I was healthy and able bodied. 

It's not all fun and games when I'm too hot or too cold.

I was just outside talking to someone for about 15 minutes. It's exactly 90* outside right now. I literally felt like I was going to die.

Some great tips to keep cool that I've recently learned are:

• Vicks Vaporub (menthol gel) or peppermint oil on your skin will help you cool off fast when combined with a fan.
• Keep ice or a cool towel over your heart and on the back of your neck.
• Keep an electric personal fan on you.
• Wet a scarf and wrap it around your head.
• Stay inside where it's air conditioned. Hah!

IT BURNS!

I'm going to have to learn to turn people down for outside activities during the summer unless at night or involving a swimming pool. A new area to advocate for myself. And like most things going on with my body, this temperature sensitivity seems to get worse every year.

 

Exertion is sometimes worth it

The older I get the more I like my home environment to reflect where I am in my life right now. My values, my hobbies and interests, my friends and family. 

Last summer I updated my special room. I made an art corner and bought a beautiful desk. Everything in the room is special to me and exactly the reflection I wanted it to be. But now...

Upon my epiphany that I want to commit more of my time to my art I realized my space for my beloved ceramics was woefully wanting. My "art table" had become a "catch all" for everything from future craft projects to things I need to return. Even a bath mat found its way in. ACK! 

Is there even a craft table in there!?

Then I realized that the space (once de-cluttered) would be great for TWO art tables. One devoted completely to ceramics and clay and the other for my other art. Painting and drawing mostly. Then my desk (which I'm at right now) for computer things.

Voila!

But as I said previously, I am disabled, so I need to do this in stages. Something I HATE TO DO! I love to swoop in like a vulture and make the space perfect all in one day. I think this will take me well into the weekend. But I see the vision and it's coming along nicely.

Sweating like a sinner in church.

My "Visible" device telling me to stop. I listened.

Even though I have to stop and do this project in spurts I'm excited for the end result. I have time booked at my ceramics studio tomorrow and will buy some clay to take home. Anything I make they can then fire for me. 

I'm also excited to get some of this clutter out of my special room.

Hey Me! You're Disabled Dummy!

Holy hell. I had a big "aha" moment the other day. 

I needed to complete a certain number of hours of training when I renewed my license. A very large number of hours. I've been procrastinating completing them. This past week I finally got down to work. It took me about three hours, but I finished one course successfully. 

Then I spent the rest of the day exhausted and seeing double from so much reading for so long.

Completing just a very small section of what was being asked of me left me feeling physically ill. Why was I putting myself through this? 

No... seriously... why? The more I thought about doing this 10 more times the more nauseous I became. Was I even this person anymore? Didn't I leave all this behind because I'm disabled and can't do it any longer?

Yes. Yes I did. And no, silly. I don't have to do it 10 more times. I don't have to do it ever again if that's what I chose. Because why put my brain and body through that? I can help people in many other ways.

I feel like I've been in limbo ever since I left work. At first I was too ill to do hardly anything. But the last (almost) two years I've been torn between art and therapy and not really doing either that well.

I've always been an artist. I am an artist. I adore making ceramic pieces, drawing and painting. It's time I drop all the studying, quizzes and shit that makes me ill and get back to creating things. Like many disabled women artists that came before me.

Frida Kahlo

Yayoi Kasama

Lisa Bufano

Emily Barker

Judith Scott

And many many more. I'm honored to join their ranks

Me taking a much needed chill pill